In Memory, With Love

Tonight it breaks my heart to write the things that have been in my mind since yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, when my sweet and gentle father called in tears to let me know that his youngest sister had died tragically in a car accident that morning. Her youngest child home from college, alone, at the house waiting for her to arrive.

Among the many people that love her she will be greatly missed by her 4 beautiful and incredible children, her husband, her father & step-mother, her mother, her 3 older sisters and, my father, the oldest of the 5. She was the baby and as with many youngest she was something special to them all.

Kristen Marie Gardner was her name and I will never forget her life. She had the ability to make me feel that years of distance meant nothing and that her love for me meant the she knew me. And she did.

My last memories with her, from just a few years ago, will always be held near to my heart. We talked and laughed. I scolded her, while shielding my eyes, for being naked too much. I didn't inherit the naked gene she and my father share being more like my mother and opting for full nighttime clothing. We drank wine. Oh how we drank wine. Kristen was happy to partake in wine offerings and one always had to consider her presence if bringing wine to dinner. But no one would appreciate it more and your evening would be filled with delightful wine induced laughter. We sat on rocky beaches and contemplated things that I cannot recall. I wish I could, at the time I didn't realize that it would be so soon that I would need to. She may or may not have caused me to trespass and lose my shoes at the same time. We walked down winding roads, shoeless & drunk, searching for the river where we spent what seemed like hours talking and partaking of her home grown herbs. She had wisdom to share with me from her life of experience. I was in need of a kindred spirit. She was never afraid to be herself. To live. To love. She was open about her regrets and it broke my heart then, as it does now. My God, how I will miss her.

My baby bear never met her though I know they would have loved one another. My Aunt Kristen was a crunchy mama herself and loved having, nursing, & raising her babies. Once again, in a different time of life, our hearts shared the same joys. The night before she died The Bear and I were talking about her children and how my dad loved them. It ended with me stating, "I know you would like her," and he would.

It's difficult to suppress the tears as I write these things. So much sadness yet so much happiness in remembering the woman that she was. I hope she knew that I loved her. I can't remember the last time I told her so.

So bloggers of the world, I hope you will all tell your loved ones you love them today, and every day. And I hope you will send my dad and his family any extra positive energy you have to spare. I'm not a religious person so I am encouraged to focus on the beauty that was her life and not on what happens now that she is gone.

Kristen and her big brother Don, years ago, sharing a drink and a picture.

Hard To Say Goodbye

After almost 5 weeks of being mommy and partner full time I made the decision to venture out of the house, ALONE, for the first time. Just a quick trip to Target but it seemed like a major life event.



I was in search of a dress for my grandfather's funeral on Saturday; A heartbreaking reason to have to go shopping. I wandered around the store which seemed to be full of tired, crying children and exasperated parents. One little boy stood in the midst of the clearance section screaming, and I do mean screaming, at the top of his lungs. I glanced over to see a very embarrassed mother on her knees with her arms around her son, trying to talk quietly to him, which was proving to be difficult. The screaming continued until she offered a bribe enticing enough to quiet him down and they moved on. All around me babies cried, whined, begged for toys......is this what my future has in store for me??? My break was turning out to be rather traumatizing.

Armed with dresses in sizes so large I was ashamed to be carrying them I made my way into a dressing room, locked the door and looked up to see my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me was a pale, pudgy faced woman with dark circles under her eyes and little red bumps scattered across her neck and chest (thank you whacked out hormones). The plaid shirt I was wearing was ill fitted due to my super sized mom boobs and though I have often gone without makeup or fancy hair the result this day was nothing short of hideous.

Safe to say the tent dresses I was trying on for the funeral didn't work out. Even if I had found a dress my feet are still swollen a size and a half bigger than my pre-pregnancy feet so I had no heels to wear with it. Tired and somewhat depressed I climbed back into a car I no longer felt suited to be driving (fat, frumpy women and red, turbo Audi's don't mix). On the ride home I did what any woman in my super sized shoes would/should do; picked up a large coffee and a donut. The coffee to help me get through the rest of the evening and the donut to give my fat butt the middle finger. Baby Bear was happy to have her milk source home again and I was happy to snuggle with a soft little thing that didn't judge my frazzled appearance.



Today my Grandpa Carter passed away. I know it was his time and I know he was ready to move on from this life but it hurts just the same. He never got to meet my sweet Madeleine; I know he would have loved her, and she him. The last time I saw him we were rushed for time and space in the hospital room and, added to the fact that I am awful with emotions, I didn't say a proper goodbye. I kissed his cheek and held back tears; one can only hope he knew that was my way of letting him know how very much I loved him and how terribly his presence would be missed in my life. I hope one day my girl forgives me for giving her so many names and is proud to carry a piece of her Great-Grandpa Carter with her.



Baby Bear will hear stories of two great-grandparents that passed on shortly before, and shortly after, her birth. A life begins and others end. Thus the circle of life continues.

*Picture from a previous trip to the hospital in December of 2008, taken by Wickenden.