The (frustrated) Mama in Me

I lost my patience this morning with a little girl I call Mad. Even though I try to avoid writing too often about the frustrating times we are going through (terrible two's come early?) in real ACTUAL life those frustrating times are impossible to avoid. Lots of days are wonderful. She might throw a fit or two but it's nothing we can't handle. Other days end up like this one.

"Look mom, I don't have time for this, I've got better things to do, OBVIOUSLY!"

Mad wakes at the crack of dawn. Literally. 5:45 AM. I know it's before 6 AM if the sky has that lovely hazy color only captured as the sun is rising over the mountains. Since our mornings are pretty relaxed (lounge in bed watching Curious George and nursing) I don't mind that she wakes early. But by early I mean 6:30 because any earlier than that and she is a snotty wreck by 9 AM. Sure enough the moment the clock struck 9 the tears and fits began.

Somehow we managed to get through a couple more hours before....I. Just. Lost. It. Too many tears. Too many hits. Too many kicks. Too many "DOP MAMA!"s (STOP MAMA!)for the day. If you have ever had a toddler you know that there are days. Unwelcome, overtired, cranky, crabby, awful no good days when no matter how many times you look into their eyes and ask for a "nice" voice they just don't even acknowledge you and go right on screaming,  kicking and hitting their way through the day. And on some of those days we mama's just aren't the perfect women we want to be. I picked her fit throwing self up and took her to her bed. After I calmed down a little, a moment was really all I needed, I went in to her with a binky and blankey and told her to lie down and nap. I wiped her snotty nose, but didn't pick her up and nurse her like I normally would have, stroked her wispy hair, and tried to hold back my own tears while she fell into a coma like sleep.

I left her sleeping soundly but couldn't get the pit out of my stomach. "I didn't even nurse her!" was all I could think to myself. Not surprisingly I snuck back in the room, picked up her heavy toddler body and nursed her. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and buried her face into me. This little person makes me weep with love and even now, hours later, I feel so frustrated with myself for losing my cool. I'm not the first mama in the world to get frustrated with their child, of course, but it's not what I want to be as a parent. It's difficult to find patience and love in these situations but what my daughter needs is for me to step outside of my own anger and exhaustion and try to "listen" to what she needs. As a friend once said, their love tank needs to be filled, and then MOST of the time it gets better.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill her love tank up until it is bursting and show her that I can be patient and hold her hand while she lets out her emotions (but, she still can't hit me).

Memorial Day outing to Ikea, one of our favorite mama and Mad day trip destinations.