Finding Balance During Changes

For the last week and a half I've been volunteering at the Breastfeeding Cafe (coordinated with World Breastfeeding Week for the first week). That has kept me pretty busy and seeing that I'm giving about 4 hours a day, between driving and volunteer time, it's safe to say that I have a new appreciation for mama's who work out of the home, even part time. Whew! I'm tired and cranky at the end of the day and I have had no desire to do any of my usual chores. Add to that the fact that there are several OTHER reasons I have been a little bit down and lacking the energy and desire to do my duties and you can only imagine what a wreck my life is right now.

Volunteering has been wonderful and I'm so glad that I took the time this year to do it. It's bittersweet because I'm fairly certain that this will be the last year, possibly one of the last months, I'll be breastfeeding my sweet Mad. I know I WANT another baby, deep down anyway, but there is no guarantee that when the time comes we'll decide to go for another or that we'll even be able to have another. We were lucky with Mad and I know so many people struggle with infertility everyday so I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch (eggs before they fertilize??? Overshare??????). So, in my mind I have to imagine the possibility that I am close to being done with breastfeeding forever. Cry. Seriously.

I love breastfeeding. I love the beauty of it, the bond, the closeness, I love the incredible rush I STILL get from being so close to my baby even after almost 2 years. People talk about the oxytocin you produce when you are breastfeeding your newborn but no one ever told me that 2 years later the feel of her little hand on my skin, her breath on my neck while she sleeps, would still give me such a physical reaction. It's the reason I think I'm so completely obsessed with her, why I hate to leave her for long, she's my drug.

All this aside I know that emotionally I am ready to hang up my breastfeeding badge for a while. It might be some time before I convince Mad that she is done as well but I know it will be a peaceful movement eventually and it will be at a time that is right for both of us. I doubt this is the last I will write of it because as of today she is still nursing SEVERAL times a day and loving every minute of it. We aren't even close to me being able to politely tell her no without a mini breakdown (but it is getting better). I guess I'm her drug too.

I can promise that even when we are done with our breastfeeding relationship we will continue on with our attached life. Just now I snuggled her down for a nap (in her big girl bed, which is a story for another day) peacefully, her legs wrapped around me, her head snugged right into my shoulder where she likes to fall asleep, until she was silent and ready, and warm enough, to roll into her own space for the next two hours. I think toddlers are even more clingy (in a good way) at bed time than infants. I'm positive that I rock her more now that I ever did as an infant and I'm ok with that. This is one of the reasons I didn't want to have babies close together. I don't want to sacrifice my snuggle time with her to rock and cuddle a fussy newborn. I want it all dammit!!!

The clock is ticking as I write this and there are a million things (literally) to do before she wakes and we head up for another volunteer shift. So that is that.

Baby Making

It's always a dilemma for you when you meet someone who is good with language and also able to make you laugh. You can enjoy your time with such a person, but the conversations may leave you feeling empty. You want more depth, intensity and passion. Ask, and don't take no for an answer.

Today at lunch we started talking about getting married and somehow it lead to talking about having a baby. “So are you? Desperate to have a baby right now?”. I thought about it and this was/is my answer (though this is a bit more in depth).

No. When I was married the thought of starting a family was all consuming. It was the driving force behind every effort I made in my marriage. It was all I knew. You grew up, got married and had a family. After the big D word I was so afraid I would never have a baby and some sad events that next year made me incredibly lonely for the baby I was sure I would never have (at this time I told my mom that if I wasn’t married by 27 I’d get a sperm donor). Now though, now I have no desire to bring a child into this world. Not now. Why? What could I possibly offer this littler person? Every day would be a struggle for us. I wouldn’t be able to give them a life worth having, not alone.

The conversation ended quickly at that as our lunch was officially over but I wonder what any of those words meant. Does it mean I have lost faith that I would be a good caregiver regardless of the circumstances? Does it mean that I’ve become too selfish? Does it mean that I have begun to think the only way to have a family is the traditional marriage then baby sense (if that was ever the case you should shoot me, because I would never feel that way while sane)?

I don’t really have an end to this because I don’t know the answers to my own questions. Instead of continuing to get lost in these thoughts I am off to a dirty bar for beers and friends and laughter. We won’t talk about the babies we don’t have yet. Or, in my case, the past years of endlessly failing relationships (actually we should make that singular, relationship). We won’t talk about those things because it does no good. Instead, we drink.

Goodbye and goodnight my dears.