Happy Birthday

To my Madeleine,
In just a few hours (well, 12 but I'm going to sleep and you already are so it will FEEL like a few) you will be 3. THREE YEARS OLD! How did this happen? I'm having a lot of mama guilt today because I've been down with mastitis the last 3 days and don't have a single thing to surprise you with in the morning. You can blame brother for trying to look like the good sibling by sleeping so well so early, before mama was ready, since I'm pretty sure that is what got me into this position. Luckily you don't expect anything more than exclamations about it being your real birthday (you like to pretend a lot) and hugs and kisses from me and your brother. Don't worry, I'll make your day special. Every day with you is special my sweet girl, I just don't always appreciate it the way I should. Tomorrow I will, and I hope to remember that more often.

Life with you as a 3 year old is never boring. It never has been, but especially now. I love this video (below this paragraph) because you are talking up a storm not knowing what exactly you are saying. Little did we all know that wouldn't change much. Now if you have stuff to say but can't quite figure out what word to use you just make the noise of the action. Like spitting into the sink after brushing your teeth. You tell us you need to *pfffft* and that is as close to the sound as I can type. It is adorable. Sometimes you make noises you shouldn't know and don't really understand, like today when you told me you were going to *pshew pshew* me, meaning you were pretending to shoot me with a gun. Thanks Tavian, I'm pretty sure I owe that one to you. As well as the *hiya*ing.

I'd like to remember your favorite things right now but......I have no idea what they are. You love life, you love stuff, you love EVERYTHING! Every family member is the best when you are with them, every color of the rainbow is a favorite when you look at it, every toy has their moment, every food is good when you are eating it. You are just full of appreciation and love for life and all the things, and people, in it. Every time we drive past the park you ask if we can stop and go to the park. I never take you, we have all the same things in the backyard but I guess I should. Because you would love it. I have a lot to learn from you little girl. You are FULL of life and ideas and most of all happiness. You laugh and cry and get angry (I know because you tell me so) and every emotion is so vivid with you. Luckily you are most often happy or simply opinionated, hardly every crying or whining, except when fit trowing. I know if I were a better mam to you it would be easier to make all the fits go away. I'll try harder this next year ok? (this video is your first really good laugh, you loved life from the beginning).

Oh Madeleine. Bringing you into this world was not an easy thing for me to do. I don't think it was too easy for you either. But we did it, together, and I'm so happy you are here, my first daughter. My first and forever baby. I love every inch of you and wish I could hold you in my arms right now as I weep while writing this. I hope you remember that, no matter what happens. Your mama loved you so much it made her cry when you were away. Even when she was a grouch she missed you the moment you left her side. That is how amazing you are sweet girl. Happy 3rd birthday. I cannot wait to see how we celebrate together.  (below: an old phone picture of your sweet baby tummy, snoozing on my lap. No wonder you hate to sleep without me ;)

Overdue

I had all kinds of plans to post a lengthy, overly detailed, birth story. That didn't happen and I kind of lost interest in the story. I guess that happens as you move away from birth and into life with your baby. At 3 weeks it feels like old news*snore* and things like poop and throw up are more my current life right now. Exciting! I'm so cool! And interesting! I never leave the house unless it is for the baby!

Anyway, a brief rundown. It was no secret that I wanted a med free labor and delivery. Here is how it went down.
♥ contractions began 10 minutes apart at 4 AM and continue consistently all day.
♥ We ran some last minute errands to pass the time. Mr. Bear liked to shock people by telling them I was in labor. This only happened once but I could tell that he liked it, ok.
♥ Labored intensely at home until 7ish PM then headed to the hospital.
♥ Checked in at 7cm I was feeling like a rock star!
♥ Tub then checked an hour later, 8 1/2 cm
♥ 2 hours after arriving tons of pressure, major panic setting in @ 9 cm
♥ Lots of doubting, baby has been posterior sooooo that = back labor this whole day. I'm tired.
♥ by midnight I'm still at 9 cm and pushing involuntarily but my water still hasn't broken so I ask her to break it in hopes that I can push the baby out within the hour.
♥ Pain. Constant, never ending, intense contractions. Pressure in the wrong area.....I know baby isn't ready to come out.
♥ Pushing on my side/back where I am most comfortable with no change. Still at 9 cm because baby is posterior still and not turning.
♥ Pushing on hands and knees. Nothing.
♥ It's 2 AM. I've been at 9 cm since 10 PM. I yell at everyone a lot and demand an epidural. I am exhausted and cannot move. I know that the baby isn't coming until he turns and that could be hours.
♥ At roughly 3 AM I have the epidural. I'm too tired to be disappointed. Baby's heart rate drops a little but I find a good position for him and fall asleep for 20 minutes.
♥ By 4 AM baby has turned. I credit my nap during which contractions slowed down quite a bit and that is how I will continue to justify giving in to the epidural. Dr. thinks she will need to use forceps, calls backup. She is worried that there is something wrong with baby's position and I might even need a C-Section though the thought never crossed my determined mind.
♥ Pushing.
♥ 4:30 AM more pushing. Dr. says this baby is going to be huge.
♥ 5:04 AM my beautiful baby is born. "It's a boy!" Stephen says. He knew it. He's huge.
♥ 10 lbs 3 oz and cute as a button.

Did I say brief? I suppose this IS brief for me.....

We've been busy living life, too busy to care that things didn't go exactly as I had hoped. Now I feel pretty great and am anxious to drop the excess weight I've been hanging onto for years now. It's hard to be patient. I miss the little kicks inside of me but even waking at night to nurse a baby is easier than sleeping with an enormous painful belly. Jaime fits right in. He complains a lot but doesn't cry too often unless there is no boob when he wants it or someone is holding him who doesn't know how to do the bounce & pat pat system the way mama does. Which means pretty much everyone, except for Gram, and so I do a lot of the holding and calming. I still love him. Mad loves him. I miss giving her all my attention but in all honesty this Summer has been tiring and not that wonderful for mothering so I guess this is better.  

And Then This Happened....

Introducing Jameson Bradley T., born 08-16-12 5:04 AM, weighing a whopping 10 lbs 3 oz

Sissy looks on as her brother hollers for milk

Napping on daddy's chest on day 2

She absolutely could not be more in love <3 babies="babies" br="br" my="my">

A Letter

My Dear Sweet Madeleine,

Every day now I wonder if this will be my last day with you, just you, my first baby. You seem less worried about it than I do and I think that you will be amazing. You wrap your sweet arms around my enormous belly and nuzzle your face in to me, whispering love to your baby brother or sister. You make sure baby always gets kisses goodnight and when you leave you ask if baby misses you when you are gone. It melts my heart, truly. People worry about how you will react, if you will be jealous, but I am not worried at all. I know you will be amazing; maybe a little rough around the edges, but amazing. This baby is oh so lucky to have you and I hope throughout your life you are always the one to love and protect him/her when mama and daddy aren't around.

You have grown so much this year, my love, and I almost don't recognize you. You have such interesting thoughts and you notice EVERYTHING. The other day you told me I was pissing you off! Oops, you got that one from your mama for sure. You eat.....and eat and eat and eat. Anything and everything you truly do not discriminate. Grapes, cheese, berries (raspberries, blueberries & strawberries), and most any other breakfast food is your most requested food when we head to the store. Carrots, pasta, chicken, "han-ger-ber-gers", "cados" (avocados), artichokes (I mean, what 2 year old knows how to eat artichokes? You! They are our family treat.), rice, peas, salad (yes! I am not kidding you love salad, especially caesar salad) any veggie, you name it. And every meal you are so sweet and grateful for what we have made for you, it melts my heart. Or chicken nuggets, fries, and mac and cheese? Yep you love that too when I let you have it. This Winter I will be buying you 4T clothing because all your clothes shrink in our house! Or you are growing so tall, but I don't like to think about that.

The energy you bring into our home is amazing, and a little exhausting for this mama, I won't lie. My favorite game to play at the end of the day is the running game. I tell you to run around in a circle 100 times and you just run and run until you get dizzy and fall down in a fit of laughter. You'll do acrobatics, ballet, and yoga on demand and still have energy at the end of it all. This past month you've learned that you love our slide out back (it was always a little scary for you before) and if the weather isn't too overwhelming (it's been a very hot Summer!) I will sit outside with you while you slide down the slide over and over and over again. It makes me smile.

Of course not every moment is as picture perfect as I would like to remember it. You have opinions, and will, and you are every bit as stubborn and your daddy and I put together. You never miss a word we say but if it isn't to your interest you simply choose not to listen. I get so frustrated asking you to NOT do the same things every single day and it doesn't matter how many times you might get in trouble for something, if you like doing it you will continue to do it.

Time is nothing to you, everything moves at your own very slow distracted pace. And if I want you to go somewhere or do something you don't really want to do it's amazing how many things you can come up with that you need to tell me, "mama MAMA I need to tell you something........" then you dart your eyes around thinking very hard about what it is, sometimes just repeating the first line over and over until you come up with something good. And when you leave the house without me, or daddy puts you to bed, you have several minutes worth of instructions to give as you head out the door or up the stairs, continuously coming back to tell me just one more thing. Daddy says it's my fault, I do the same thing when I have to leave you. I still miss you every minute you are away, even if you are naughty and exhausting.

So, you see, my little bug bug.....I love you so very much, even if I am not the perfect mama all the time. I kiss your hands when you sleep and savor the sound of your breath. I love your warmth next to me when we nap together, I hope that doesn't stop anytime soon. There may be a new baby in the house but YOU will always be my baby, my very first baby, that made me a mama and taught me what never ending, limitless, love was. I can't wait to watch you on this new journey.

Love always,
Mama

The Nursery

First of all, I'm 39 weeks (tomorrow, if we're being technical, and I usually take my pics a couple days late so who knows if I'll keep growing in the next two days) and this thing feels massive. I honestly don't feel like I've grown but when I compare pictures I'm kind of blown away. This belly is big. Real big. Anyway, I just wanted to get this thing out of the way.....

I'm too sexy to show my un-madeup face and fat arms

Now on to the main subject here. The nursery. I'm not a decorator by any means nor am I at all talented naturally when it comes to crafting and making things look good in a room. I try because I like having a cute house as much as the next girl (or guy!) but it takes a lot of work and thought for something that generally seems, meh, if you know what I mean. I can pick out cute stuff but putting it into motion, especially when it comes to hanging things on walls, is NOT my strong point.

So, that was my lengthy way of saying don't have too high of expectations when it comes to my nursery. I put so much thought into what I wanted in the room and how I really wanted it to feel. Which was pretty and clean. I don't have boatloads of money to spend or a professional designer bff or family member to help me out, I am working with a very small room, and of course there is the fact that I'm a little design challenged. All in all I am so happy with the outcome thus far, there are some other things to add, and I feel like it is truly what I was going for in this sweet little baby space.

The light in this particular room is terrible for picture taking at all times of the day. Trying to get this picture of the whole wall turned out terribly and it is quite grainy. It probably also doesn't help that I take all my pictures with my Iphone :/. That empty corner is just crying for a sweet little chair. However, my AngryBear bought me a beautiful printed reclining glider and it is going in our room since that is where I will be spending the bulk of our first months breastfeeding and rocking to sleep and I'm not about to worry about buying another chair at this very moment. So just imagine it. Also, I added a little hamper wire basket thing that is so cute but is not in this image. And the floor space....it will have a rug someday when I find the perfect one.

Whale print from Etsy, hooks from Michaels bought unfinished and painted

Baskets on clearance from Michaels, holding burp clothes, misc. baby items lotions etc, & cloth wipes and wetbags

Super sweet blanket basket from Home Goods

Yellow rimmed wire hamper from Home Goods

Dream sign from Michaels and spray painted, shelf from Home Goods

Mobile from Ikea, hanger thingy is a hanging plant hook spray painted

 The main focal point above the crib is the little lantern trio. I searched so many lantern designs in nurseries trying to get some inspiration but settled on just doing something very simple. Mostly because I only found these when I was ready to put stuff up, but I'm really happy I didn't do something more over the top. Mr. Bear is too......he just doesn't get it. I also try not to notice imperfections because it is absolutely not getting re-done, I can't care that much.

Sleepy print from Etsy, ikea crib, lanterns from Hob Lob that took entirely too long to hang

Sunshine pillow from Etsy

Please don't ask me why I am sharing a picture of this totally unorganized closet. It's awful. The point is to notice the super cute owl hanging next to it. I couldn't find the close up of it on my computer and it has to be included because I love it. It is a sweet little rod iron owl my lovely friend gifted to me and I've just never found the perfect spot for it (that thing about not being able to decorate walls....), until now that is. I spray painted it to match and am so in love. Eventually I'll have the closet brag worthy, but that could take another year.

So, that's it. I have a full wall, though not very long of a wall, that I am going to put a small table or mini bookshelf to hold a lamp, books, and some toys, and hopefully do a small picture frame gallery. That is another one of those projects for another day when I catch my breath again. The room is, as I said, very small, so I didn't want to overdo it with tons of details. If this baby happens to be a girl I have some fun ideas for girly magenta items that I'll throw in and over time the few things I mentioned will be added. But mostly I'm happy with it as is. And I am SO glad to have it done in time.

Now, we wait........

36 Weeks

I've hit week 36 of my pregnancy and honestly at this point all I have energy is nesting/cleaning (verrrry slowly and with a lot of strange noises as I try to breathe and bend at the same time), napping/resting, cooking and eating, and Maddie time. Leaving the house takes all of my energy and by the end of the day I'm a little grouchy, super whiny, and extremely physically exhausted.

I had a couple of free Maddie days which she spent at her Manna's house (Stephen's mom) and spent the majority of the days going through boxes of baby clothes....boxes and boxes and boxes.....sorting out what I could use for this baby regardless of gender, then sorting everything else by size. Exciting right?!? Anyway, I realized that parenting a toddler on top of growing and carrying a human inside of me is what really gets my energy. I look forward to the days when I can have both my babies on the outside and hopefully have the physical energy to make it through each day without wanting to cry.

On that same note I'm so nervous.....so nervous that I won't be able to give to both of my babies as much as I want. My sweet Maddie has this crazy energy that we can barely keep up with as it is and she loves to be the center of the world, for everyone. How do I make sure she doesn't go without but still give this new baby as much love and attention as I've given her? I know it's the question that so many mama's ask themselves and it just work itself out....but it's hard simply wondering.

This post is really just a bunch of personal thoughts but I wanted to get it out. Another post I want to write is all the things about my Maddie that I notice right now. Things that no one really cares about, I'm sure, except myself. I could write for days and new things would come up all the time......like how today she put her arm around the crying kitty, who wanted to go outside and play, and told her to zip it. My girl, a bossy boss already!

A few belly shots since I haven't shared since week 24. Yikes!

29 weeks

31 weeks

34 weeks

36 weeks (taken today)

To the Daddy of My (Our!) Babies

A pretty big chunk of the time that I've know, and loved, my AngryBear has been punctuated by his role as a daddy and co-parent to our daughter Madeleine. I consider myself pretty lucky for this fact because any less than perfect traits he might carry (which are pretty much nonexistent since he and I are both perfect, which makes us perfect together;) are easily overshadowed by his overwhelming ability to be an AMAZING father. Grrr grrrr I just tripped on a pair of cowboy boots for the tenth time today! Oh look,Stephen is snoring with our toddler nestled into the crook of his arms! What was I annoyed about again???

This is all to say that he is an incredible father and my love for him only deepens as I watch him love and parent our sweet baby (soon to be plural woo hoo!). Sometimes it seems I can actually feel my heart swelling when I see him with Maddie, loving her, teaching her, comforting her, it's just all so amazingly beautiful.

I truly have no shame in bragging about what he does as a father, I know he's unlike so many out there. I've never been left to deal with difficult times on my own. When Mad was a newborn he woke up several times almost every single night the first 4 months to change her diaper. A man who never had changed a diaper in his life could quite literally do it in his sleep! Seriously, sometimes he would do the diaper change then have a full conversation with me while I nursed her and not recall a single moment the next day. It was, and is, hilarious. Bath time has always been his specialty, I hardly ever hear a peep when it comes time to wash hair, and he is happy to let Mad splash and play for an extra long time when I would get tired and pull her out kicking and screaming. His most anticipated moment after she was born was for the day she would be able to wrap her arms around his neck and REALLY hug him. See? I just swooned while writing that! I am happy to report that he can't get out the door without a hug AND a kiss right smack on the lips from his girl. When I don't have the patience? He always does. When I don't have the energy? He finds a little extra to give. When I feel like it's all too much he is there with a pat on the back, letting me know that we're there together and eventually we'll make it through.

On top of all that is the fact that he works, day in and day out, to care for us, put a roof over our heads, put food in our bellies, and provide for us the things we need AND want without asking for anything in return. He doesn't complain he just does it all because he wants to, it's who he is. If there is no dinner on the table at the end of his long day? No big deal. No laundry? I barely hear a word about it. A mess everywhere he looks? Hey, it happens. He has never once asked me to do more than I do, he is just always grateful for what is done. A smile or hug is enough for him even though I know it would probably be nice to have a perfectly clean home and a wife who isn't pulling her hair out waiting for him to come home and share some of the "burden" on a difficult day (not to say life is a burden but I'd be lying if I said some days weren't more difficult and tiresome than others, if you know what I mean).

My Maddie, oh how she adores him. She wants to do everything that daddy does. When he heads out the door to go cycling she shadows him around the house getting all of his gear together, crouching down to watch him put on his shoes, holding his helmet until he's ready to put it on, sending him off with kisses and waves and the insistence that he "be so careful". Recently he was lookin at motorbikes to purchase and she was thrilled to sit on the back of each bike with him, her sweet little arms wrapped tightly around his waist, and offer her opinion on choices of color. After that day she has made all kinds of plans to have her own motorcycle to ride with him (a blue one, with a blue helmet). She really, truly, is his number one fan.

The day he brought his final choice home. She approves!

We're so lucky to have him. No blog post can adequately describe how it feels to have a man like my AngryBear as the father of my children. Knowing I get to spend my life loving our babies, and granbabies, with him at my side is enough to fill me up with so much happiness and love.

Happy Father's Day Stephen. Mad  & I KNOW how much you do and how special you are, even if we act like little brats sometimes and forget to remind you of how amazing we think you are every.single.day. like you deserve. Although it's a good thing we rarely act like brats..........