Happenings

My handsome hubby

The band was my birthday gift. I didn't think I could love my ring any more, but I do.

Beautiful birthday flowers from my sweet brother

She wants to wear her babies too

His little hands slay me *swoon*

My beautiful girl. This was such a good day.

Bedroom eyes, be still my heart

To the Daddy of My (Our!) Babies

A pretty big chunk of the time that I've know, and loved, my AngryBear has been punctuated by his role as a daddy and co-parent to our daughter Madeleine. I consider myself pretty lucky for this fact because any less than perfect traits he might carry (which are pretty much nonexistent since he and I are both perfect, which makes us perfect together;) are easily overshadowed by his overwhelming ability to be an AMAZING father. Grrr grrrr I just tripped on a pair of cowboy boots for the tenth time today! Oh look,Stephen is snoring with our toddler nestled into the crook of his arms! What was I annoyed about again???

This is all to say that he is an incredible father and my love for him only deepens as I watch him love and parent our sweet baby (soon to be plural woo hoo!). Sometimes it seems I can actually feel my heart swelling when I see him with Maddie, loving her, teaching her, comforting her, it's just all so amazingly beautiful.

I truly have no shame in bragging about what he does as a father, I know he's unlike so many out there. I've never been left to deal with difficult times on my own. When Mad was a newborn he woke up several times almost every single night the first 4 months to change her diaper. A man who never had changed a diaper in his life could quite literally do it in his sleep! Seriously, sometimes he would do the diaper change then have a full conversation with me while I nursed her and not recall a single moment the next day. It was, and is, hilarious. Bath time has always been his specialty, I hardly ever hear a peep when it comes time to wash hair, and he is happy to let Mad splash and play for an extra long time when I would get tired and pull her out kicking and screaming. His most anticipated moment after she was born was for the day she would be able to wrap her arms around his neck and REALLY hug him. See? I just swooned while writing that! I am happy to report that he can't get out the door without a hug AND a kiss right smack on the lips from his girl. When I don't have the patience? He always does. When I don't have the energy? He finds a little extra to give. When I feel like it's all too much he is there with a pat on the back, letting me know that we're there together and eventually we'll make it through.

On top of all that is the fact that he works, day in and day out, to care for us, put a roof over our heads, put food in our bellies, and provide for us the things we need AND want without asking for anything in return. He doesn't complain he just does it all because he wants to, it's who he is. If there is no dinner on the table at the end of his long day? No big deal. No laundry? I barely hear a word about it. A mess everywhere he looks? Hey, it happens. He has never once asked me to do more than I do, he is just always grateful for what is done. A smile or hug is enough for him even though I know it would probably be nice to have a perfectly clean home and a wife who isn't pulling her hair out waiting for him to come home and share some of the "burden" on a difficult day (not to say life is a burden but I'd be lying if I said some days weren't more difficult and tiresome than others, if you know what I mean).

My Maddie, oh how she adores him. She wants to do everything that daddy does. When he heads out the door to go cycling she shadows him around the house getting all of his gear together, crouching down to watch him put on his shoes, holding his helmet until he's ready to put it on, sending him off with kisses and waves and the insistence that he "be so careful". Recently he was lookin at motorbikes to purchase and she was thrilled to sit on the back of each bike with him, her sweet little arms wrapped tightly around his waist, and offer her opinion on choices of color. After that day she has made all kinds of plans to have her own motorcycle to ride with him (a blue one, with a blue helmet). She really, truly, is his number one fan.

The day he brought his final choice home. She approves!

We're so lucky to have him. No blog post can adequately describe how it feels to have a man like my AngryBear as the father of my children. Knowing I get to spend my life loving our babies, and granbabies, with him at my side is enough to fill me up with so much happiness and love.

Happy Father's Day Stephen. Mad  & I KNOW how much you do and how special you are, even if we act like little brats sometimes and forget to remind you of how amazing we think you are every.single.day. like you deserve. Although it's a good thing we rarely act like brats..........

A Chance to Change?

Lately I've been wondering a lot about my thoughts and ideas on parenthood and how, if I get the opportunity to do it again from the very beginning, I would do it differently (I am so so so NOT pregnant, not for a while I hope, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it).

First of all I would find a fairy to grant me three wishes and every single one of them would be that The Bear and I would agree on all parenting issues. That would basically have solved ALL of our contention the past 2 years of our lives together. I hate knowing that if we disagree one person is going to feel that they "lost" and perhaps their parenting opinions don't matter as much. Mostly that would be The Bear. He knows it and I know it. I don't love that it is that way but I'm not foolish enough to deny it. Somewhere in my heart I believe that if we both had supported* each other a little more the difficult months would have been easier to move through. I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly searching for a way that we both agreed with and just stuck to the same thing from day 1. There is no going back but I hope if we do it again some day there will be less debate on how and what to do and more action. Consistent and calm action.

Secondly, and this is a big one, I would stop WONDERING, out loud mostly, how to make my child do what I wanted and expected. The wondering led to discussions, which led to disagreement, which led to attempts at other ways, which led to frustration, which led to more disagreement, and ultimately led us back to the same thing I was doing in the first place. If I just did what my heart told me was right, without the tears (my own) because things weren't perfect and complaints of exhaustion and frustration, we would have moved through with less contention and those long months wouldn't  have dragged on and on. I hate recalling all the conversations wherein I analyzed every little thing she did trying to figure out the best way to parent her (sleep, let's be honest, I've stressed about sleep this.entire.time). I would have been so much happier if I just stopped talking about it. In the end I am who I am and I can no sooner let her cry for hours on end when she just wants me close to her than The Bear can stop eating cake pops from Starbucks. It's part of who we all are...compulsive cake pop eating and all.

Sleeping with all of her things

Thirdly? Stop trying to control everything. I'm a control freak when it comes to my beloved daughter, I can't deny this even though I feel a little ashamed from time to time. Next time around I think it would ease a lot of that new baby pressure if I didn't freak out quite so much. Chances are The Bear is not going to snap her neck when he pulls her out of her bed for a diaper change but according to me it's a miracle Mad survived the first 6 months when he was in charge of her care. I won't stop missing my babies when I am away from them for even a moment, I won't stop sending huge lists of "how to's" when they go to Grammy (my mom) or Manna's (his mom) house, I won't stop describing every detail of how I get them to sleep, I won't stop loving them with every inch of my being....but I really hope that I can leave The Bear with our new baby without agonizing over the fact that he doesn't do things exactly the way that I do. Mad is proof that he did something right (a lot of things) because never has a little girl loved her father more than my Mad loves her daddy. He is the first person she looks for in the morning and business trips are getting so difficult now that she spends half her days asking "where he is?" until the moment he walks through the door. I love that because I love him so much too, so I totally get it. We both like shoes, shopping bags full of new stuff, and an AngryBear. Twinners!

But....if I didn't change a thing? Well, I have to think that despite all my (many) flaws I must have done something right. Because I made this (with a little help ;) and I think she is pretty.damn.amazing.

Playing in her hut. She loves this thing.

*The fact is, The Bear was so supportive of me and my choices, even when they didn't line up AT ALL with how he thought things should be done or what he was used to in his family. He might not always understand what I do, or why I do it, but he will always defend me. I really love that about him and it is just one more reason why I am so lucky to have him. I was the one who struggled to support any way of doing things that wasn't MY way. So, I fail, I'm working on it. I promise.

Her Mother's Daughter

My girl is so like her daddy. If you know him then the answer to the question of why I call him my AngryBear is obvious. She can furrow her brow with the best of them and as far as squirrelyness goes she has him matched. They are peas in a pod, those two.

But the beautiful thing about parenthood is finding all the little things that are just.like.you.

New shoes make any day sunny

Gold shoes; a must for my shoe lover

Madeleine's for my Madeleine

We both love the same man!

  

Things I'm Loving

In no particular order (because I'm lazy and don't want to rearrange the pics to a particular order), these are some things I love today. I took a few shots tonight, on the fly, so I could post this. I could have (should have) waited until tomorrow so I could take them in natural light but, once again, I'm just too damn lazy. Besides, if it was as easy as saying I'd do it there would be a lot more posts on here lately. So, here you go!

Mads in a winter hat. Cutest.Ever.

Because I'm spoiled McSpoiledson my lover brought me home the ultimate in Lush gift boxes to make up for leaving me alone with an anxious dog, messy house, and satan's spawn our adorable and practically perfect daughter. I stash it in my closet where it can smell lovely every day and I can look and oooo and awwww and wish I could make it last forever.
More Lush, stashed on my closet shelves with the Nora Roberts books The Bear won't let me put on our book shelves. Yep, he's embarrassed. Aren't the colors so pretty (the Lush, not the books)?
My pretty little bench from Target that matches our bed perfectly. It also opens and has storage inside. Not tons of space, but enough. The sad part in this picture is the lack of pretty pillows on my bed. I have ideas of the perfect bed pillows so I'm slow accumulating them. Not to mention that pretty throws are expensive! Note the dark lamp on The Bear's side of the bed. Because he is traveling yet again.
My half decorated Target tree. I loaded the top half of the tree up with pretty/cheap ornaments because I have to leave the bottom emtpy due to little baby hands that like to grab. "Wow wow," she says when I turn the lights on.
My new little entryway bench. It's the perfect size and I'm so happy to have it. The baskets were even included and they are actually pretty nice. I don't sit here to read or drink my coffee but I didn't have anything to fill the other side of the bench!
Love these two. Just because they are awesome and wear things like this.

I love myself for finally buying, and prepping, my prefolds. And of course actually using them. This is a pretty great fold if I do say so myself. Too bad they don't always look so good!
The Angry Bear himself.....and our sweet doggie. Except when he yelps in the night after hearing Mad wake to nurse. The dog, not The Bear.
This face. I love scrunchie nose.
Her. This chair. Books. Bare legs in Winter. Blue eyes. Messy hair.

I love a lot right now. Things I don't love, and thus do not have pictures of, are :

♥ creepy noises in the dark house. There are a lot of them and it freaks me out some nights when I'm alone. aka tonight
♥ wind (probably a huge contributor to the creepy noises)
♥ my empty refrigerator
♥ work travel right before Christmas.
♥ work travel all the time (I know it's necessary but that doesn't mean I have to love it. This is just a "don't love" list, not an "I hate it" list)
♥ Staying up too late when I'm alone
♥ proper punctuation.

So, there you have it. Now I'm off to bed. Someday I'll have a better camera, better photo taking skillz (they are there, I just don't care to try), and the time and energy to take pictures during the day when I don't have to use a flash. Until then, this is what you get.

Miles of Piles

It's late...for me anyway.....and I have a gigantic pile of towels to fold.....and they are still sitting in the same place I put them first thing this morning, right on the couch, next to the spot that I have planted my lazy self, NOT folded. To be exact there are 5 folded towels. Only 20 million to go.

The Bear was tired and headed off to bed almost an hour ago. Right now he is snoring so loudly that I can hear him through the wall and closed doors (guess this means I won't be joining him any time soon since sleeping next to a snoring bear is nearly impossible). On the bed next to him is a huge pile of clothes that I threw there this morning and never put away. Do you see a pattern?

I also have jeans in the dryer and a tub full of soaking diapers that need to be moved to the washer. Diapers that haven't been used since basically the day we moved in to the new house. Something about two weeks of baby diarrhea (TMI!) which then turned into a consistent 3 poops a day-er baby, a broken diaper sprayer, & super funky smelling dipes from too much hard water and terrible washing habits. Excuses that are all as stinky as my diapers but I've felt a little buried lately. Not to mention fighting against an Angryatclothdiapers Bear who has been less than enthusiastic (but I love him anyway) toward my cloth since we moved in. Pretty sure he sabotaged my diaper sprayer (love you Mr. Bear, if you even read my blog anymore!).

So instead of doing all this folding of laundry that is basically BEGGING to be done....I'm reading craft/design blogs. Yep. And oogling over all the projects I'll probably never do but really wish I could. My most crafty project since the move has been a couple of picture frames and a letter "T" that I finished to go over the mantle. Even that took me about 3 days longer than it should have. Sitting on top of my dryer is an unfinished shelf for Baby Bear's bedroom that is entirely lacking in the decor department. I swore I would have this finished before her birthday when all the family is here to view how much I haven't done to the place. I am a sad un-crafty mama. Other crafts on my list? An Autumn yarn wreath for the front door & a book wreath for the empty library/"formal" living room. I say "formal" because nothing in my life will ever be successfully formal, I'm just not that classy.

/tangent. I think the snoring has gotten quieter so I really am going to fold these towels so I can sneak into bed. Hopefully without disturbing The Bear's sleep.

I'll See You in the Morning

As I sit here typing away my daughter is playing peacefully on her own. Which means she is NOT asking me to read slash sing Elmo's Twelve Days of Christmas fifteen times in a row. That's a pretty big deal since that has been her favorite book for the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying that I have an awful voice but let's just say that if I went to a church I probably would NOT be invited to sing with the choir. But Mad loves my singing voice and she's the most important judge in my world, just sayin. Either way, good voice or not, no one wants to hear the Sesame Street version of that annoying Christmas song so many times a day, or ever. The sacrifices I make.

Speaking of sacrifices...I have to sacrifice my Iphone to get her to do something other than read books, allowing me a few moments to sit on the couch. She loves talking on the phone and will jabber away to herself before handing the phone off to me to chat with whatever imaginary person is on the other line. It's her favorite. After books that is. And maybe after eating. This kid will consume more food than her 7 year old cousin! And she still nurses at least 5 times a day and twice at night! Yes, that means she still doesn't sleep through the night.

Oh the sleeping hell she puts me through. I know it's normal for some babies not to sleep through the night at this age but when everyone you know got their child to sleep at 6 months it's really depressing. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And maybe I am. At around 8 months I got her to sleep for about a month until she started working on all the rest of the teeth in her mouth at the same time as well as learned to move into a sitting position from her tummy. She was restless, uncomfortable and constantly pushing herself up so my previous techniques of calming her in bed stopped working. For a while we let her stay in bed with us, until she no longer wanted to sleep in our bed. Maybe I should have let her cry it out at that point but something inside me just didn't think that was the method to use with her and so I was back to nursing her twice a night. We do have really good nights though, which gives me hope, like last night. She went down at 7 with no issues and slept until 3:30 AM. If only I had gone to bed at 9! Of course she woke for the day at 6:50 AM and I was exhausted all morning. I blame the sun. Damn sunlight telling my offspring to wake for the day. Hate it.

I suppose my point in saying all of this (about sleeping issues) is that The Bear has booked a weekend NYC getaway for us in few weeks, without Baby Bear (!), and I really really want to have her sleeping well before then. I'll rest so much easier while I'm gone knowing that she is sleeping and not waking expecting mama nursies and getting a bottle and someone other than her mama (even if it is Grammy, a pretty awesome substitute). Not to mention that I have NO milk stored and so I have to pump enough for the three days and knowing that I don't have to get enough for 4 night feedings too would be a huge relief. I don't know how I'm going to get enough as it is since I haven't pumped since she was 4 months old.

Enough talk about my mom boobs. Can we return to the fact that I get to go away, ALONE with Mr. Bear, for a whole weekend?!?! I'm beyond excited and pretty nervous too. I know that a lot of parents take vacations alone during the first year of their child's life but I have only spent one night away from her when she was 4 months old and mostly all I did was sleep and then we were back together the next morning. Mr. Bear travels so much that not seeing her every day is normal. I feel like it should be easier for me but I can't stand to imagine my baby wanting me and not understanding why I'm not there for her. Likely she won't even realize I'm gone and that will make me sad too. Really though, I know that time time alone is truly important for my relationship with my Angry Bear and that is what I'm excited for. Plus NYC! Hello! We will have so much fun together. He has been there a lot but I haven't been since I was really young and I couldn't enjoy the things I can now...like drinks! Going out without having to come home and nurse the Baby Bear means I have a lot more freedom. And no curfew! Woo hoo! Now I just have to find some cute things to wear while we are there. What is a vacation without a cute outfit, or three?

Now my Baby Bear is napping, she is a great napper, and I am missing her. She's been extra lovey with me all day, smothering me with kisses and hugging me for no reason at all. Heaven! No wonder I'm afraid of how much I'll miss her! How cute is this picture of her watching the kids play in the water fountains in SLC? Cute! She always props her feet up like this and I just want to eat them for dinner. Yum.

It's What We Do & How We Do It

Baby Bear is napping. We're going on two days of napping more than an hour each nap. = Heaven! Mr. Bear just left again, off to New York City until Saturday morning when he returns. On Sunday night he flew to L.A., then to San Fran on Tuesday, home to us for Wednesday night to drop off presents and snuggle with me in bed for one night, and now he's gone once more. So I'm here, trying to make time to write while wearing new pink shoes and the prettiest of pretty new earrings. Mr. Bear spoils Baby and I. He says he doesn't care if Baby Bear wears jammies all day long but he must be lying because he has impeccable taste in baby clothes (and shoes too!). He also buys the best jewelry (see photo).



While The Bear has been gone this week Baby has learned to crawl up the stairs and call for her Dada in the morning. The first morning he was gone she woke up at 3:30, in my bed of course, and said, in the sweetest yell you've ever heard, "Dada? Daaaaada?". He wasn't there to answer. This morning she was up at 6:30 and sat up, climbed on top of The Bear and hollared, "Daaaaa. Dada.", it was lovely. For the next hour she crawled around the bed smacking her lips before moving in for the slobber fest that is her kiss. She completes this kiss by chomping down on my face with her razor sharp teeth. It hurts. A lot. Then she cackles and smacks her lips in search of her next victim. I may start waking up in the dead of night panicky because I can hear lips smacking, coming to claim my flesh. I have a child zombie only she hasn't yet broken skin.

Tonight it will just be the two of us again. Hopefully by the time The Bear is home we will know if we have a house yet. All I'll say is that we've found our home, the one I see us raising our babies in the for the foreseeable future, but the market is so complicated right now and it seems that all the forces are working against us successfully becoming home owners. Let me just say, it's not us, it's them. If I never hear the words "short sell" or "negotiating price" or "bank" ever again it will be too soon. Now I have to go mentally prepare myself for a hectic weekend of BBQing and extended family by taking three shots of tequila (kidding, sort of). Yayhoo.

A Happy Happy Birthday to You From Me!

Today is Mr. Bear's 32nd birthday. *cough* OLD *cough cough*. I just wanted to say publicly how much I love him. How happy I am to be with him. How grateful I am for all the hard work he does to provide our family with a beautiful home, clothing, food, cars to drive. Everything. He is amazing. I only hope some day our daughter will meet a man who is half of the man her father is. Someone who will love her the way he loves me. I am very very VERY lucky.

I love you my Angry Bear! Thank you for knowing you loved me, from the very beginning. I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I know I had a wonderful time spending it with you.



Love,
Me

Times They Are Changin

I really despise moving. Really. The mess, the disorganization no matter how organized we try to be, the effort. UGH! And thinking that I will have to do this not just once but TWICE in the next 4 months makes me want to cry. *CRIE* While Mr. Bear travels it's up to me to get what remains of our house in order. This means lots of laundry and lots of decisions and lots of packing away things that I hope I don't need.

You see our condo has been sold but they haven't even broken ground on our new house yet. So, in the interim, we are moving in with Mr. Bear's brother. I love him and I love his house, there is plenty of room for us, but I hate giving up our own things for these few months, and I hate knowing that we are infringing on his privacy. But mostly I hate that I have to pack and move and then unpack and then pack and move and unpack again. I suppose I should be grateful because once we unpack in the new AMAZING house I won't have to worry about it again for many many years. I'll just need to worry about furnishing and organizing a house that is triple the size of our condo, landscaping a huge yard, & finishing a basement. Then I have to keep it all clean.

Baby Bear's room is mostly packed, although it looks like a bomb went off in there. Mr. Bear packed most of the kitchen and excess storage stuff. Now I'm just feeling like I don't know where to go next. I don't want to pack anything I'll need this week and I don't want to pack something and send it off to storage if it actually needs to come with us. I'm tired and lonely and wish The Bear was here to keep me company. I suppose I should go start some more laundry while the Baby naps. *le sigh*

The Thing About Dreaming Is.....(Part Deux)

Ok, do you recall this post about my dream house? Well I sure do and at the time I thought, "Melissa, this is a mighty TALL order. The Bear loves you and wants you to have everything you could ever want or need but a dream house might be years and years away." I was prepared to have a house that wasn't my dream house.

Just recently we moved from "looking into looking" for homes to actually looking LOOKING for homes . The whole ordeal stresses me out to no end. Down payments, bank accounts, qualification, credit score, FINDING A HOUSE!!! Bidding wars, disappointment, tears, anger, sadness, NO dream house. I was not looking forward to it. The anxiety alone made me want to stay in our cramped two bedroom condo, which we outgrew the day I moved in with him.

Today we saw my dream house. I mean, seriously, my DREAM house!!! A bathroom fit for a queen (my best friend is seriously considering moving into the closet it's THAT awesome) with a tub I can only use once a month because filling it will cost a fortune! A kitchen that makes The Bear drool. They use the word "Gourmet" to describe it. Yep. And a yard. A real one. One that I can plant veggies and flowers in. One that I can have BBQ's in. One that my babies (do you like how I added an extra baby in there heh) can play in for years to come. It even has a front porch. A long one. It's not quite out of Happy Vally, but close. We'd probably still have all mormon neighbors but a girl can hope right?

I don't want to speak too soon, and I told The Bear I wasn't going to whisper a word to anyone, but I think it might be ours. Yep, closet and everything. All mine (to share with Mr. Bear). I want to cry. Mr. Bear is doing official stuff right now, he even called me to ask about stuff like whether or not I wanted shelves built in around the fireplace (EEEK!!!), but we still have lots of not so fun stuff to wait and see on (see the second paragraph about anxiety). If all goes as planned it will be built and ready for move in sometime in August. Are we actually going to live in a home that fits all of our stuff by the time Baby Bear is one? A girl can hope right?

Here's to hoping. Send good house vibes our way!

The Thing About Dreaming Is.....

The house is quiet tonight. Mr. Bear is at the BYU/Utah game decked out in his Utah gear so as not to be confused for a Cougar fan. My Baby Bear is sleeping peacefully, for now, and I am wasting time online. I'm not supposed to be shopping for diapers but does it count if they are super cheap gently used diapers?

Today the furnace went on the fritz and we were cold. Today I am grateful for heat. Today I wish it was Spring.

I'm tired like whoa. I'm in need of some serious M time. I'm craving a treat and a glass of wine.

Currently we are looking into looking for a house. Our little condo, while nice on the pocketbook, is just SOOOOO cramped. I'm cranky at it. I try to imagine our perfect home. It has a big master bathroom. I have my own office for all my "stuff" and a guest bed that I can decorate to my own liking. I can fit all of the nursery in one room. I can fit a bigger co-sleeper next to our bed. I have room for a rocker in the master bedroom. I have a yard ready to be filled with vegetables and a playground for the warm months. There is a porch so Mr. Bear and I can sit and snuggle while the sun sets. There is a place to BBQ and eat outside. Our neighbors are awesome and don't look at us like sinners when we leave the house in jeans on a Sunday. *side note: The Bear says not to expect neighbors to befriend us just because they aren't Mormon either. He suggested I be more friendly. WTF????? I say hi to the neighbor's pug all the time! He loves me. /side note. It is out of Happy Valley. It has a beautiful, big, sunny kitchen. There are nice area's to go for walks. It is perfect. Is that too much to ask?

Now I am going to go dream about houses.

*Yawn*

I sat down at the computer at 9:00 intending to do.....nothing. To wait for my diapers to soak, to wait for my laundry to dry, to listen for my baby and hope she sleeps late into the night (or early into the morning) before she wakes to nurse, to ignore the quiet of a house void of Mr. Bear. Now it is 11:30. My diapers are STILL soaking (has it ever taken this long???), my other laundry is finished drying but I truly do not want to get up and fold all the millions of baby sized items, the wee one is still sound asleep, and...the house is still quiet and void of my love.

Life is good despite the cold and dark of winter. Though I do wish it was warm so I could pack up my darling and go find a shady spot to play and enjoy the Earth. If it is only December and it has only begun to snow then how will I feel when the misery that is February hits? February is misery because it is bone cold. The ground has forgotten what heat is and has all but given up on living. But, February means March is on the horizon which means April showers are not so far away. And although we'll likely get some snow in April (thank you Utah) it will mostly be warm. Warm enough for walks and daydreams of Summer! So, I suppose I would take February over December. Life is still good though. I have my daughter. I have The Bear, even if he has spent more of December away from me than he has with me, or it feels that way. Work is a pest but I am glad for it anyway.

I'm tired but I keep thinking I'll go get that warm laundry and do my duty. On the other hand....I rarely get quiet to myself so perhaps I should enjoy it? Likely I'll give into the tired and crawl in bed, my sleeping sweetheart barely an arms reach away, and get what rest I can. I do love to lie in the dark and listen to her little sighs. To reach over and place my hand on her chest when she stirs.

Tomorrow is another day with more life to face. I savor the goodness that is my own.

In The Moment

The house is quiet save a few little "mews" from my Baby Bear sleeping away in her swing. Desperate for 10 minutes in a hot shower I plopped her in the swing, something that makes me feel like a terrible & lazy mom, and after a few minutes of watching the rotating lambs she dozed off to sleep. I got a whole shower AND I got to dry my hair. AND I got to put her laundry away. The laundry that was piled up on the guest bed in her nursery/the room we use to change her diapers. How is it that one teeny tiny child can have so much damn laundry? It's unbelievable.



Now I'm exhausted and, although I know it's time for her to wake and have some lunch (isn't it lovely the way my body is a personal meal alarm?), I'm letting her doze a moment longer so I can sit and write....and enjoy the quiet. Instead of writing I could clean, God knows there is a lot of that to do, but the past month has been one huge moment of exhaustion for me and I am finding that a mother never gets to enjoy time to herself. So here I am. Enjoying it. Or trying to anyway.

In just a few days Mr. Bear and I will break* from our life as parents to spend our anniversary alone together. Welcoming this new year, one where I am not pregnant and growing fatter every day, is something I am very much looking forward to. I know that the coming months hold many unexpected events for me and my head is spinning with the thought that I am living a life so very different than the one I was living a year ago. You'd think that just becoming a mother would be life changing enough....but at the possibility of moving my entire professional direction altogether I am beginning to think my parenting position is the most normal of all the changes I'm facing. Lucky for me I am not alone in this. Having The Bear to support me relieves a weight from my shoulders, though I can't imagine he knows how hard it is for me right now. So, as I was saying, we will take our time this week to remember how much we love each other. And we do, Good God how I love that man. Now I can only hope some miracle presents itself so that his anniversary gift arrives on time....though I'm doubting it will.



Alas, my quiet time really must come to an end. Baby Bear needs the nourishment only I can provide.....and in a way I need it too.

*break....for a few hours. Not a whole day or night. God, I can't even imagine that right now. Although my mother would be thrilled if we did ask her to stay the night with the wee one. And Mr. Bear would be thrilled to experience an entire nights sleep for the first time in a month....but he's going out of town on business next week and for that he can just SUCK IT. Yep. I said it. Anyway, yes a few hours of break, which for me is enough.

You Give Me, Something

Last week was my final week at the office before Alien arrives. This means I don't technically have to work anymore....though I spent most of the afternoon today checking up on stuff. MUST.LET.GO.

This ALSO means that I get to wear sweats EVERYDAY for the next week if I wish. And I do wish. Mr. Bear found a pair of HUGE sweats that he gave to me last week. I wear them every single day, from the moment I get off of work until the next morning, and I love them. Love.Them. I swear by pajamas. They may not make me feel look sexy but damn if they don't make me feel good.

Walking in the house at the end of the day, knowing I get to take my jeans off....and EVEN MY BRA IF I WANT TO!.....is seriously the best feeling. There is no greater reward for this pregnant hippo woman. The entire 5 minute climb up our 3 flights of stairs I just focus on the step ahead and remind myself that if I survive (and that is one big IF) I will get to take my clothes off. Aside: I'm sure Mr. Bear wishes I would continue to feel this way once I don't have a huge belly. But now I don't have to walk up the stairs to treat myself to my sweats! It's awesome.

The whole "no work" thing would be much more enjoyable if I wasn't getting sick. Yep. Thanks to some DB (read: DOUCHE BAG!) at the office who got Mr. Bear sick, I am now coughing and suffering a headache. I know that an achy body and sniffles are on the way, probably by this evening. I really REALLY do not want to be coughing during labor. I think the whole giving birth thing looks awful enough without adding a serious cough to the mix.

On the up side, perhaps I can just cough her out.....I know The Bear would think that was totally awesome.

It's Raining It's Pouring

I'd like to set the record straight about something. Something that I've been thinking about for a while.....Snoring. What's in a snore?

Growing up my dad snored. A LOT! Shake the house snores that would wake us up in our rooms DOWN THE STAIRS!!! And it just was. He was a dad. Our big cuddly teddy bear father who loved babies, loved his daughters, yelled in his sleep and snored like a grizzly bear. In my dating history I've known a lot of men who snore. One guy would snore so loudly, especially when he was drunk, and that was how I could gauge the depth of his sleep....or the depth of his inebriation. I'd hear my friends complaining about their husbands snores keeping them awake. My uncle would snore so much that it turns out he needed a machine to keep him from snoring because it made him stop breathing! Imagine an annoying sleeping trait actually being something that is dangerous. I never would have known.

One consistency about snoring? Men do it. Dad's, husbands, boyfriends, uncles...it's a manly thing to do! So it was a very shameful day when a few weeks after Mr. Bear and I started dating he said, "you snore. It's kinda cute.". "I know" I said...and I did know. There was always that awkward moment with a guy when they discovered that I, yes little ol' me, snored just like my pop (only maybe not so loud, and without the yelling). I had been a little congested and I assured Mr. Bear that I only snored when I was sick. Then I got pregnant. The snoring increased. "You see Mr. Bear, pregnant ladies get all this soft tissue in their nose, or something, and it makes them snore! I'll show you the article. Google it!". Then Spring hit and I made sure to let him know that when I had allergies it made me snore. And the rain! The rain was nice to listen to at night with the window open, but all the cold air made me stuffy and...you guessed it.....that makes me snore.

I could spend the whole year making up excuses for my snoring but it would be SO.MUCH.EASIER. to just say this one thing. Women snore too. Though you can imagine my delight on the days I get to roll over and say to The Bear, "you were snoring last night....". It's very satisfying to my womanhood (is that a word?).

I wonder if the Alien will snore like her Poppy too?

*Edit to say: Would you like to make a bet on how cute he thinks my snoring is now? Read: NOT AT ALL!!!

Poor Mr. Bear

Week 23 of being with "Alien" has arrived and I couldn't be more.....ornery about every damn thing that goes on. Sunday our breakfast server was a jack ass. Why? Because he was. Isn't that reason enough? The cashier had an annoying voice, and by annoying I mean incredibly cheerful, but paired with her spiky hair it was just THAT MUCH worse. The people behind us had a cute little girl who dared to talk loud enough for me to overhear, "WHY can't people control the mouth's of their 3 year old? We're in public for Christ's sake!!! NO TALKING ALLOWED!!!". It was hot outside. Fucking weather. Doesn't the sun know I'm pregnant and ornery as hell? Apparently not because it just kept shining. People drive too slow, or too fast, the sun shines at the wrong angle, my blanket got twisted, I forgot to turn the air conditioner off/on and I'm UNCOMFORTABLE, someone is getting married/divorced and wants to talk about their emotions (I'm not the only one with those things?), someone is having a conversation and IT REALLY IS BOTHERING ME!!! You see where I'm going with this?

Poor Mr. Bear.

We've gotten the itch, like many other expecting families have been known to do, to make the most of our small space by re-organizing. This includes down sizing furniture which actually costs money (SURPRISE!!!) although in the long run it is totally worth it. Naturally as first time parents we have a lot of things we'd like to invest in for the baby, and ourselves, and it's frustrating to see how many items hold a price tag over $100.00. At first it seemed like just a few specific items....now, in addition to furniture & accessories that is all expensive even for a good deal, we have baby decor & clothes and clothing for me, which is totally overpriced. $50.00 t-shirts??? I don't even spend that much on shirts normally! Alas I keep getting fatter, something about growing a child, and 5 multi-colored shirts and tanks that no longer cover my bulging belly just aren't enough to keep me feeling positive about the way I look. Poor Mr. Bear has enough reasons to keep me from crying and hating myself every morning shouldn't have to be one of them. So, we buy, and buy, and buy. A lot of money, and a lot of effort later, the condo is in shambles and I still cry a lot. It feels like it might never end and I seem to find more and more to add to the already huge list of things to do. Walking 3 flights of stairs at the end of a work day and then feeling like the whole place is out of order is really exhausting, for both of us.

I wish Mr. Bear and I could just jump on a very air conditioned plane and fly away to the beach somewhere....and that it could be free. I deserve it because I'm fat and tired and growing an Alien. He deserves it more because he is carrying a much bigger, and much less adorable, load than I.

Poor Mr. Bear. But lucky me, I couldn't wouldn't want to do it without him. Yes lucky me, and very lucky Alien.

Happy BIIIIIIRTHDAAAAAY Mr. President

Today is my very favorite person's birthday. Mr. Bear is turning 18! Finally our relationship is legal!!! Having a baby with an underage man was really an emotional burden for me.

In all seriousness....Mr. Bear is the most wonderful man. He makes every day a joy. Because I love me a good list I'm going to list all the things I love about him, and being with him (in no particular order of course):

♥ He makes me laugh. Out loud. A lot.
♥ He knows how to rub my back, not too hard not too soft
♥ He is a great housekeeper! (haha)
♥ He tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful every day
♥ He loves to cuddle
♥ He's really sexy
♥ He never forgets me when he's out of town
♥ He makes me a better person
♥ He always tries to be a better person too
♥ He loves my family
♥ He loves his own family, SO much
♥ He feels comfortable leaving creepy messages on my sister's voice mail
♥ He drinks beer just to prove he's a real "man"
♥ He holds my hand when we walk
♥ He is super smart! I'm always learning new things from him.
♥ He has nice handwriting
♥ He tolerates my eating habits (from veggies, to sushi, to peanut butter in bed)
♥ He will let me have a pug *wink*
♥ He has made so much room in his life for me, even though it isn't always easy

And FINALLY.....
♥ He actually wants to get old with me (and I believe him, kind of)
♥ He will be the most wonderful father in the whole entire world, and I couldn't be happier.

This isn't all, or even close to all, of the wonderful things I could say about him. But it's a good start. I noticed that a lot of my list includes the word "me" and maybe that is the thing I love the most. That there IS a me in his life. And even though there are easier women (no pun intended) in the world, he put up with my shit long enough for me to realize how LUCKY I would be to include myself in a list of his wonderful things. I wish everyone could hug a Bear today....I know I will.