Parenting OR Am I Doing It All Wrong

Sometimes I get the itch to blog. But, I have nothing to say. Honestly, most days around the Bear house are pretty much the same. And our same isn't always that exciting. Well, Jaime thinks it is, but he is easy to impress! So, tonight I got the feeling that I wanted to blog. Like I need to pee, only I need to blog instead? Yep. I pushed it off since I could peruse Facebook instead without putting any thought into it at all. But the feeling stayed and I'm not tired (thanks to a sweet husband who let me sleep in this morning, whoa I'm not used to sleep!) so here I am.

There is one thing on my mind lately. It's there a lot because it is ever present in my life. Parenting. It's hard. I want to be completely honest but complete honesty makes me look bad, and it makes me feel sad. But, here it is. Mad Maddie is rough these days. I waiver between feeling like Stephen and I have too high of expectations, or perhaps don't truly understand what is normal behavior for little kids (perhaps a little of both?), and feeling that Maddie is a truly spirited child. I think it really is a bit of both of those things. I struggle with the yelling that so often accompanies her activities. I feel guilty when I don't have the time/hands to clean, nurse the baby, AND pay attention to her constantly. Add to that the time I spend on myself, showers, computer time, coffee, 15 minutes to stare at the wall and have no one touching me, I guess I put her off too often.

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We aren't the sort of family that has crafts and projects going every week, so often her activities are reading, coloring, and playing with her toys. No pretty blankets and picnics out in the woods, or trips to the market with mini child sized carts. No season pass to the zoo where we bundle up even in the bone cold Winter to watch the polar bears laze around. Our days have too many trips to "the stairs", which is a non-excluded version of time out. She never really sits there but she also can't be running amok and causing trouble for a few minutes, which we HOPE gets her to calm down just a bit. I tell her no, be quiet, stop doing that, put that away, go play in your room, way too much for my own liking.

I was so annoyed she wouldn't smile for this picture. Mom fail.

The hardest part is, she is amazing. She is SO affectionate and tells me constantly how much she loves me. She adores Jaime, hugging kissing, rushing to his side when he wakes after naps. I feel like if I could JUST find her best way of disciplining things would be easier/better. We talk, we try to talk things out, allow her to have feelings, problem solve when she does something that isn't ok (hitting, mean words, yelling, waking the baby, torturing the cats, bossing her cousins.....etc), but the lessons never really last until the next episode. Which could be 5 minutes later or a day later, we never know. I want her to thrive while keeping my own sanity. I just don't.know.how.

The best big sister. The best.

I feel like we need a screen free week VERY soon. A week without tv, for any of us, computer, ipads, or phones (except for phone use). I bet if I eliminated the time on all of that we'd have more done around the house and have more time to play the way she wants. At the heart of all of this I believe that more time on her terms would be a good solution. Maybe a membership to the zoo is in our future.......

Belated Mother's Day Post

I really missed out on talking about Mother's Day, about how much I love being a mama to my sweet Mad girl and how excited I am to watch my first baby love this new baby. Maybe it's a cliche to be so happy "just" being a mama but if it is I don't care, I love it and I'm not ashamed to shout it from the roof tops, or the top of Facebook which is what I do on a daily basis. So I'll just give a little shout out right now.....belated as it may be.

Riding the carousel at the Zoo. I had to steal this from Stephen's FB page so forgive the blur.

 To be honest I never knew how much I would love it. When I was a kid it was just what every other little girl wanted to do, so I wanted it too. I loved babies, especially my sweet brown haired baby sister who I adored from the moment I saw her tiny face (I don't recall the birth of my other younger sister much but my parents say I adored her just as much), but as I got older I questioned my own ability to be a good mother. One with patience, one smart enough to teach her children all the things they need to know (I won't lie the thought of teaching my Mad how to read still petrifies me!), it all felt very intimidating.

So being thrown head first into motherhood really worked out well for me. I was better than I thought I'd be but old enough to know my struggles and I still have to work on them every single day. And that's it. I love it even when I want to pull my hair out. Because that is part of motherhood you know. I'm surprised my own mother has any hair on her head because God knows what hell we've all put her through.

On that note I'll say that I'm lucky to have had the best mother in the world because I'd probably be a lot worse than I am if I didn't have such an amazing example of what motherhood should be. I only wish she thought she was as amazing as ALL of her children do. Even if/when we don't show it the way we should.

I also missed out on a birthday post for my AngryBear. He deserved a great one because he is so wonderful. It doesn't take much for me to look around and see that I lucked out when he fell in love with me and put up with all of my nonsense (he still does!). Father's Day is coming up and I can't wait to give him a post that is deserving of him. Also, he is OLD you guys. That means in a few years I'll be old too. Not looking forward to it!

Maddie loves her daddy. Another stolen FB picture.

My Journey to Mamahood

When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. Crazy scared. I didn't know if I would be a good mama to that little being. I was afraid I wouldn't be what this child needed. I was excited, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel fear. I had just spent the last 4 years of my life thinking about no one but myself. I was still adjusting to life in a committed relationship. You know, one where the man I was with actually admitted to being with me, who fought to keep me by his side. I wasn't sure I deserved his love let alone the love of an innocent human. Lucky for us, hormone filled, women we have 9 months to gain the confidence we need for the beautiful day when we become a mother for the first time. Or the second, third, fourth, etc.

*2 months pregnant with The Bear in L.A.
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*on vacation with The Bear, 30+ weeks pregnant


After the first 24 hours of contractions I knew that I was ready to have my child. My daughter. After the second 24 hours I was begging my body to do what was necessary to give birth. I lacked the grace I had always hoped to have during birth. After throwing up for the 4th time I seem to remember wondering how I was going to make it to pushing. And how would I find the strength when that time came.

How silly it was of me to question myself. I should have had faith in my abilities because when it had to be done I didn't give up. And I had the most beautiful, perfect, amazing baby girl to show for it. I would live those pain filled days a thousand times over again. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. It would take many weeks before I could feel comfortable again but, oh my, being a mother was heaven. Even being a mother in pain. When she was placed in my arms the world stopped. The hospital room was filled with lights and people but all I could see, all I could hear, was my child. I put my hands on her and forgot the tears of the past few days.





I've spent the last 8 months loving her. Absorbing her perfect baby energy. Teaching her all I know (all that a baby can understand anyway, and some that she can't). Talking, laughing, crying with her. And you know what? I'm an awesome mama. I can say that. I might not love all the things about myself but I love being a mother. And I've poured my heart and soul into it. It seems to have paid off because I have a beautiful and funny daughter who stops grocery store traffic with her chubby cheeks and precious smile.

*Baby Bear, 6 months old


Those days of fear? When I didn't know if I could do it? If i would be any good at it? Well, they're mostly gone. Sometimes I still think about having a teenage daughter and I wonder how I'll help her understand how important it is to be good, smart, & respectful (of others and of herself). I hope I'll have another moment where it just clicks.

*Baby Bear & her mama on Valentines, 5 months old

*Yawn*

I sat down at the computer at 9:00 intending to do.....nothing. To wait for my diapers to soak, to wait for my laundry to dry, to listen for my baby and hope she sleeps late into the night (or early into the morning) before she wakes to nurse, to ignore the quiet of a house void of Mr. Bear. Now it is 11:30. My diapers are STILL soaking (has it ever taken this long???), my other laundry is finished drying but I truly do not want to get up and fold all the millions of baby sized items, the wee one is still sound asleep, and...the house is still quiet and void of my love.

Life is good despite the cold and dark of winter. Though I do wish it was warm so I could pack up my darling and go find a shady spot to play and enjoy the Earth. If it is only December and it has only begun to snow then how will I feel when the misery that is February hits? February is misery because it is bone cold. The ground has forgotten what heat is and has all but given up on living. But, February means March is on the horizon which means April showers are not so far away. And although we'll likely get some snow in April (thank you Utah) it will mostly be warm. Warm enough for walks and daydreams of Summer! So, I suppose I would take February over December. Life is still good though. I have my daughter. I have The Bear, even if he has spent more of December away from me than he has with me, or it feels that way. Work is a pest but I am glad for it anyway.

I'm tired but I keep thinking I'll go get that warm laundry and do my duty. On the other hand....I rarely get quiet to myself so perhaps I should enjoy it? Likely I'll give into the tired and crawl in bed, my sleeping sweetheart barely an arms reach away, and get what rest I can. I do love to lie in the dark and listen to her little sighs. To reach over and place my hand on her chest when she stirs.

Tomorrow is another day with more life to face. I savor the goodness that is my own.