A Sleep Story

A week, or two, ago I wrote a post about sleep. Not my sleep, though I am involved, but baby/toddler/kid sleep and what "they" do and don't tell you to expect and what of all that is actually true, in my humble experience. But as I wrote it just all got jumbled and I lost what I was really trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? It happens to me all the time. So I bagged it and didn't write anything for a while. Luckily for me I'm not a real blogger so this is totally ok.

I have been wanting to write about sleep though and I really am going to do it, right now. Our battle with sleep has been long and difficult. It's caused many tears and fights and worries about if I am doing anything right at all. Just last night The Bear walked down the stairs and gave me "the eyes" from the doorway. "What's wrong?" I asked, or something to that effect. "She's still awake," he growled, not really at me but at the Universe in general, or maybe at me but if that's the case I'm oblivious & also I shouldn't be saying so on my blog. "Send her down to me but tell her she's sleeping in the little bed."

Passed out on the couch, mama bed napping with the kitty, sleeping on the floor of her bedroom, sleeping in her bed with her favorite napping blanket. P.S. we have gotten rid of the binky since some of these pictures were taken

 The little bed is an Ikea crib mattress that sits on the floor, with sheets blankets and pillows, next to my side of the bed. The intention was to get her out of our bed with the hopes that she might tire of sleeping on the floor and start going back to sleep in her own bed. Some nights she doesn't ask to sleep in our bed with us at all she just come down, wakes me for good measure, and gets comfy somewhere on the floor and sleeps the rest of the night. Other nights she asks to get in bed with us and cries if I say no. Then she asks for water, medicine (because she likes the idea of something being wrong to add to her drama), hand holding and songs and I give her all but medicine unless of course there really is something wrong.

The Little Bed. It's a great play spot during the day when mama needs to rest. 

 So, most nights we get the bed to ourselves and it has vastly improved my quality of sleep. With Mr. Bear I'm never quite sure because even if I hear him snoring all night long he never seems to have gotten the right amount or type of sleep he needs to feel rested. Sometimes I still let her in my bed, because I can't lie and say that I don't love it when we can all get comfy. She is soft and warm and when she is snuggled in our bed on a good night we don't wake at all until morning which means I feel more rested. I worry about what happens when the little baby arrives and takes the coveted spot at my bedside in the little co-sleeper. Hopefully she and Mr. Bear are both ok with the transition to his side of the bed.

Napping in mama's bed after an afternoon outing, family naps on the weekend, the snuggles that make all the difficult times worthwhile.

With all the difficulty we have faced there remains the silver lining which is nap time. It's not always easy to get her to go down, in fact, just the other day we had a face off that is terrifying to recall. Usually this only happens when she is overtired and expecting something fun like visits from friends or a Grammy night. Anyway, no it isn't always a walk in the park but the days of missed naps are few and far between and I'd say that even with the struggle the nap is well worth it. For her and for me. She knows to expect it and I think some days she actually looks forward to it. She'll be 3 this September and I know nap time is going to fade into a distant memory eventually but hopefully not too soon. My girl who wakes at least once every night and is up with the sun every morning needs that extra hour or two of sleep and I savor every snuggle I get with her during these times.

So, that is our current sleep story. What's yours?

A Chance to Change?

Lately I've been wondering a lot about my thoughts and ideas on parenthood and how, if I get the opportunity to do it again from the very beginning, I would do it differently (I am so so so NOT pregnant, not for a while I hope, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it).

First of all I would find a fairy to grant me three wishes and every single one of them would be that The Bear and I would agree on all parenting issues. That would basically have solved ALL of our contention the past 2 years of our lives together. I hate knowing that if we disagree one person is going to feel that they "lost" and perhaps their parenting opinions don't matter as much. Mostly that would be The Bear. He knows it and I know it. I don't love that it is that way but I'm not foolish enough to deny it. Somewhere in my heart I believe that if we both had supported* each other a little more the difficult months would have been easier to move through. I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly searching for a way that we both agreed with and just stuck to the same thing from day 1. There is no going back but I hope if we do it again some day there will be less debate on how and what to do and more action. Consistent and calm action.

Secondly, and this is a big one, I would stop WONDERING, out loud mostly, how to make my child do what I wanted and expected. The wondering led to discussions, which led to disagreement, which led to attempts at other ways, which led to frustration, which led to more disagreement, and ultimately led us back to the same thing I was doing in the first place. If I just did what my heart told me was right, without the tears (my own) because things weren't perfect and complaints of exhaustion and frustration, we would have moved through with less contention and those long months wouldn't  have dragged on and on. I hate recalling all the conversations wherein I analyzed every little thing she did trying to figure out the best way to parent her (sleep, let's be honest, I've stressed about sleep this.entire.time). I would have been so much happier if I just stopped talking about it. In the end I am who I am and I can no sooner let her cry for hours on end when she just wants me close to her than The Bear can stop eating cake pops from Starbucks. It's part of who we all are...compulsive cake pop eating and all.

Sleeping with all of her things

Thirdly? Stop trying to control everything. I'm a control freak when it comes to my beloved daughter, I can't deny this even though I feel a little ashamed from time to time. Next time around I think it would ease a lot of that new baby pressure if I didn't freak out quite so much. Chances are The Bear is not going to snap her neck when he pulls her out of her bed for a diaper change but according to me it's a miracle Mad survived the first 6 months when he was in charge of her care. I won't stop missing my babies when I am away from them for even a moment, I won't stop sending huge lists of "how to's" when they go to Grammy (my mom) or Manna's (his mom) house, I won't stop describing every detail of how I get them to sleep, I won't stop loving them with every inch of my being....but I really hope that I can leave The Bear with our new baby without agonizing over the fact that he doesn't do things exactly the way that I do. Mad is proof that he did something right (a lot of things) because never has a little girl loved her father more than my Mad loves her daddy. He is the first person she looks for in the morning and business trips are getting so difficult now that she spends half her days asking "where he is?" until the moment he walks through the door. I love that because I love him so much too, so I totally get it. We both like shoes, shopping bags full of new stuff, and an AngryBear. Twinners!

But....if I didn't change a thing? Well, I have to think that despite all my (many) flaws I must have done something right. Because I made this (with a little help ;) and I think she is pretty.damn.amazing.

Playing in her hut. She loves this thing.

*The fact is, The Bear was so supportive of me and my choices, even when they didn't line up AT ALL with how he thought things should be done or what he was used to in his family. He might not always understand what I do, or why I do it, but he will always defend me. I really love that about him and it is just one more reason why I am so lucky to have him. I was the one who struggled to support any way of doing things that wasn't MY way. So, I fail, I'm working on it. I promise.

Counting Sheep

It's no secret that bed time in our house is a nightmare. Not so much the initial going to sleep process, many nights Baby Bear crawls right out of my arms into her cozy bed and kicks me out, but the whole sleeping through the night thing. While she was teething her most recent molar she screamed every time I tried to put her back in her own bed after nursing in the middle of the night. It was exhausting and the only way she wanted to sleep was snug in my arm on the bed that sits next to her crib, lets be honest, porta crib (we bought a full size co-sleeper and just lowered it rather than spending the money on a huge A crib we didn't have room for before the move). Then came the hives and two days of being in our bed, sleeping with her hands entangled in my hair, feet propped on my belly, head snugged on my super comfy pillow (that I've hoarded since I was a teenager, it's the best and even The Bear knows it), ruined her. She went from not sleeping well in our room to LOVING the family bed. She's always loved to snuggle in bed with us but for a few months she was just too excited and wiggly to fall asleep.


For me it's just easier to bring a crying baby into bed with us because I know she'll sleep the rest of the night and the thought of using the nightstand as a pillow is sometimes better than trying to constantly go to a baby who flips every time I put her back down. It's easier emotionally anyway. Most mornings I wake up pretty sore but not exhausted. The Bear, on the other hand, doesn't love it. He rarely complains, about anything I do, but inside it's there. The thought that never again will he ever let a child co-sleep with us. He likes our bed to be for us. He likes to be the one to curl up on my pillow with his face pressed into the back of my neck. It's his territory and he likes it that way.

I don't know what the future holds for us and our sometimes family bed. I know that the thought of fighting a child on sleeping with us if that's what they really really want is hard for me. I hate letting Baby Bear cry because I'm so tired of rocking, for hours on bad nights, while she sleeps in my arms that I have to just put her down and go to bed. I hate that she still struggles so much when it comes to sleeping at night.

I know that she is more attached to me than ever and that only seems to be increasing. She comes over to my arms for a cuddle often through out the day while playing. She just needs to rest her head on my mama chest for a moment to be reminded that I am there. When she is sleeping peacefully next to me, stirring and reaching out to wrap her arms around my warm body, I know I am doing what humans did with their children for centuries before the invention of cribs, crying it out, and houses big enough for designer nurseries. And...it feels right. I wish it didn't. It's a subject of disagreement for us and it would be easier if, just once, I could roll over and do what The Bear thinks is best instead of getting all emotional and maternal while I over analyze what sort of damage I might be doing to my child if I let her "manipulate" us on sleep routines or don't. I hate that word, manipulate. No one has successfully convinced me that a baby crying because being with mama is the best feeling in the world and nothing compares to that sort of emotional and physical euphoria is manipulation.

I just read this really great blog on Babycenter about this very subject, which prompted my post. I've read her blog before and I love it. She has a great writing style and I love the French thrown in here and there.

I have to mention that since her molar is in and another hasn't begun to break yet she has been doing better at night. She slept through the night once and has gone down like an angel every other night waking to nurse but going back to bed immediately and not making any fuss whatsoever. Maybe this is her meeting us in the middle. Simply on her own terms. So like her mother.....

I'll See You in the Morning

As I sit here typing away my daughter is playing peacefully on her own. Which means she is NOT asking me to read slash sing Elmo's Twelve Days of Christmas fifteen times in a row. That's a pretty big deal since that has been her favorite book for the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying that I have an awful voice but let's just say that if I went to a church I probably would NOT be invited to sing with the choir. But Mad loves my singing voice and she's the most important judge in my world, just sayin. Either way, good voice or not, no one wants to hear the Sesame Street version of that annoying Christmas song so many times a day, or ever. The sacrifices I make.

Speaking of sacrifices...I have to sacrifice my Iphone to get her to do something other than read books, allowing me a few moments to sit on the couch. She loves talking on the phone and will jabber away to herself before handing the phone off to me to chat with whatever imaginary person is on the other line. It's her favorite. After books that is. And maybe after eating. This kid will consume more food than her 7 year old cousin! And she still nurses at least 5 times a day and twice at night! Yes, that means she still doesn't sleep through the night.

Oh the sleeping hell she puts me through. I know it's normal for some babies not to sleep through the night at this age but when everyone you know got their child to sleep at 6 months it's really depressing. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And maybe I am. At around 8 months I got her to sleep for about a month until she started working on all the rest of the teeth in her mouth at the same time as well as learned to move into a sitting position from her tummy. She was restless, uncomfortable and constantly pushing herself up so my previous techniques of calming her in bed stopped working. For a while we let her stay in bed with us, until she no longer wanted to sleep in our bed. Maybe I should have let her cry it out at that point but something inside me just didn't think that was the method to use with her and so I was back to nursing her twice a night. We do have really good nights though, which gives me hope, like last night. She went down at 7 with no issues and slept until 3:30 AM. If only I had gone to bed at 9! Of course she woke for the day at 6:50 AM and I was exhausted all morning. I blame the sun. Damn sunlight telling my offspring to wake for the day. Hate it.

I suppose my point in saying all of this (about sleeping issues) is that The Bear has booked a weekend NYC getaway for us in few weeks, without Baby Bear (!), and I really really want to have her sleeping well before then. I'll rest so much easier while I'm gone knowing that she is sleeping and not waking expecting mama nursies and getting a bottle and someone other than her mama (even if it is Grammy, a pretty awesome substitute). Not to mention that I have NO milk stored and so I have to pump enough for the three days and knowing that I don't have to get enough for 4 night feedings too would be a huge relief. I don't know how I'm going to get enough as it is since I haven't pumped since she was 4 months old.

Enough talk about my mom boobs. Can we return to the fact that I get to go away, ALONE with Mr. Bear, for a whole weekend?!?! I'm beyond excited and pretty nervous too. I know that a lot of parents take vacations alone during the first year of their child's life but I have only spent one night away from her when she was 4 months old and mostly all I did was sleep and then we were back together the next morning. Mr. Bear travels so much that not seeing her every day is normal. I feel like it should be easier for me but I can't stand to imagine my baby wanting me and not understanding why I'm not there for her. Likely she won't even realize I'm gone and that will make me sad too. Really though, I know that time time alone is truly important for my relationship with my Angry Bear and that is what I'm excited for. Plus NYC! Hello! We will have so much fun together. He has been there a lot but I haven't been since I was really young and I couldn't enjoy the things I can now...like drinks! Going out without having to come home and nurse the Baby Bear means I have a lot more freedom. And no curfew! Woo hoo! Now I just have to find some cute things to wear while we are there. What is a vacation without a cute outfit, or three?

Now my Baby Bear is napping, she is a great napper, and I am missing her. She's been extra lovey with me all day, smothering me with kisses and hugging me for no reason at all. Heaven! No wonder I'm afraid of how much I'll miss her! How cute is this picture of her watching the kids play in the water fountains in SLC? Cute! She always props her feet up like this and I just want to eat them for dinner. Yum.

A Clean House Is A Happy House

Today as I sat, exhausted from a day of busy house/baby work, folding diapers I realized something, something kind of important to me. I finally, after all these months, feel like I'm living up to my roll as "wife" and mother. I don't know if I've just gotten the hang of things or if moving into a bigger space, even if it's not my own home yet, has alleviated the claustrophobic depression I was feeling in the condo. Or maybe spending some hours in the sun these past few weeks has really made me that much more capable, I wouldn't be surprised; it's been a long winter. Whatever it is I'm surprising myself more every day as I take on the cleaning, feedings, diaper changes, nap times, laundry and more, that used to exhaust me before I'd even finished a portion of what needed to get done that day.

Example? I've made my bed for at least 7 days in a row. That's impressive right? Maybe you have always made your bed every day. Good for you! I haven't. Bed making always seemed so ridiculous to me because I was just going to get in bed again that night. I'd go through phases where I'd make on occasion and when I was single I often made my bed, but I was never much of a messy sleeper so it was simply a matter of pulling the corner of my blankets up and putting pretty pillows out. Mr. Bear is NOT a neat sleeper and kicks the blankets every which way. This means that to make the bed I have to untangle the maze of sheets and comforters, readjust & fluff the pillows, and start from the very beginning (all the bed items pulled off the bed) every time. But having a neat and tidy bed feels good I've realized and what's more I don't feel like my bedroom should have to be a place that the door is closed to. Having a "made" bed IS important after all but it is a task that is easily skipped over when there are millions of other things to do. ANYWAY, my point is, I'm finding the energy to do the things that aren't always at the top of my "to do" list and for that I deserve a drink. Or two.

Perhaps a big contribution to this whole "successful" feeling is that I'm THIS CLOSE to feeling like I can say we've got a Baby Bear who sleeps through the night. I wholly underestimated her when it came to bedtime and nights without nursing. We did it without screaming for hours, though tears WERE involved (aren't a few of them inevitable when you have a tired, cranky baby?), and what's more I learned a lot about my relationship with my daughter. The first night she went down easily, as usual, but woke just a couple hours later in tears. I let her fuss for a bit to see if she was just searching for her binky and would go back down on her own. The Bear went in after a few minutes and oh boy did that piss her off. He tried to pick her up to calm her down but she wasn't having any of that. So I went in, I sang to her and held her hand, patted her back, assured her that she just needed to sleep and we were right there for her and she quieted down. The second night was easier and she only had to hear my voice from the doorway before she fell to sleep again. The third night she slept all the way through until 5 AM the next day. Last night was the same.

All that stress and all of the tears I shed over my insecurity in this situation and what I really needed to do was listen to my own mommy instincts. I don't doubt that we will have plenty of rough nights, no one ever sleeps perfectly all the time (and if they do I want to learn their tricks!) but if we can make it through this week I'll consider it an accomplished milestone.

Now I must return to my productive day; I have diapers in the wash, diapers sitting in the sun, wool drying, and about 3 more loads of wash that are nagging at me.

Up In the Night

When I became a mother this instinct I never knew I had kicked in. Not just an instinct to be maternal but an instinct to be PERFECT. I want to be the perfect mother, so much that it consumes my thoughts at night. But....I'm too tired to be perfect. I know, parenting is exhausting, babies wake in the night, shit happens and you have to get used to it. I know all of this. And I'm as used to lack of sleep as a person can get. I've spent the last 8 months waking anywhere from 1 to 5 times a night (or more!) and every morning I get up, and make breakfast, and play, and give naps and do laundry, and pick up baskets of toys 50 million times and by the time night hits I'm so tired. So so tired. But I can't sleep because I know that I'll only close my eyes and a little Baby Bear will cry for her mama and I'll have to get up again. Then I'll nurse and snuggle and crawl out of bed so quietly to put her back in her bed and as soon as I close my eyes again it's been two hours and she's crying once more. Basically I'm sleep traumatized.

I admit, not every night is this way. I probably get one night of good sleep (only waking once before 5 AM) a week. The rest...not so good. Finally last night I just kept her in bed with me because I couldn't imagine opening my eyes one more time to get her out of her bed. And she does well when she can have a big comfy bed and a boob at her disposal all night long. If you were to see her sleeping with me you'd smile and "awwww" at us snuggled up like two little peas in a pod.

Only I don't feel snuggled. I feel trapped after about 2 hours of sleep. Baby Bear is wiggly, oh my, and likes to wedge herself up between my arm and my chest, feet propped on my tummy, with her hands planted firmly on my face or breast proclaiming to the world that I am her possession, oh yes, and she loves me so, and look LOOK I can eat all night long if I want! See that! Who needs a binky when there is a mama close by. So it's safe to say that at the end of the night I've been pushed to the edge of the bed (sometimes my bottom is hanging OFF the bed) and my back and neck ache like they did when I was pregnant. YES! It's like she's trying to crawl back into her womb when we sleep together, that's how close she tries to get. So I have a big 18 lb. baby attached to my front side and it is killing me. I love napping with her but all night is just.too.much.

So what do I do? Continue getting up with the hopes that she will figure it out on her own? Let her sleep with us even though I hurt in the morning? Maybe I'll just get used to the pain? Try to rock her back to sleep without nursing and hope she'll stop waking? Or.....do I move her to another room and refuse to pick her up until at least 5 AM? Part of me feels like we will both be happier if she learns to sleep all night without waking. But part of me doubts that she will calm down if I don't pick her up and feed her. And the waking will still happen every night only this time I'll have to go in and try to soothe her without picking her up, or just let her cry, and she'll never get better and I'll still be exhausted and emotionally drained at the same time. SERIOUSLY!

Is it supposed to be this hard to make a decision? I have a wonderful, happy, beautiful, funny baby. A baby who loves to sleep, so long as she can wake to nurse every 2-3 hours. I always thought babies who didn't sleep were difficult babies all the time. She isn't. She's wonderful. High energy yes, but wonderful and happy. I don't want that to change. I need answers. I need help.

Is there a sleep fairy who can come and grant me 3 sleep wishes? I only need one. I wish to be perfect with, or without, sleep.

Sleep Tight

My sweet daughter is a wreck without her sleep. If she doesn't nap well or if she becomes overtired she is a snotty mess of tears, eye rubbing, and general hysterics. As I type she is buried beneath my blankets, snuggled into my pillows, her little hand clutching my shirt, snoozing away in my bed. I dared to put her in her bed when she wanted to nap next to mama and she quite literally had a melt down. I tried to let her cry a bit and then re-binky her, which usually wears her out so she falls right to sleep, but alas she sobbed even louder and craned her neck searching for my arms. I couldn't deny her. After just a moment of sobs and snuggles in my bed she fell fast asleep. Although she sleeps just fine at night in her own bed there is something about napping in a big soft bed with me by her side. I don't suppose I can blame her. I enjoy napping amongst soft feathery down myself. A hard cold mini mattress doesn't quite compare. *this image is her asleep in my parents bed the day we moved from the condo. She needed to nap but her bed was in transit. She left sweaty head marks on my dad's pillow. Sweetness.



The little imp loves to sleep but is terrible at it, unfortunately. Just when I think maybe she's getting better she will have an awful night where she wakes every two hours. It isn't that she is difficult to put down at night. She just has a hard time staying asleep without waking for her binky, nursies, or just some warm snuggles. Last night was heaven though. She went down with minimal tears around 8ish (after her first bath sitting up on her own. She LOVED that!) and didn't make a peep before Mr. Bear and I turned in for the night (usually I have to go in to her at least once). We talked a bit in bed, still not a stir from her bed a foot or so away. Hours later I woke from an unnerving, reoccurring dream wherein I am stopped driving down a long road by a group of young kids. They demand I step out of the car and when I do I realize they have guns and are deciding if they should kill me or not. Usually I escape but it is never easy and I wake very upset and restless.

Anyway, after I woke I noticed that there was, errr, some discomfort in my chest and I checked the time. 2 AM. I checked the baby to make sure she was breathing (she was) and tried to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and checked on her a few more times hoping she'd just wake up and nurse so I could go back to sleep. Finally well after 3 AM she peeped just a bit and I practically jumped out of bed to get her. She barely latched on before drifting back to sleep and I had to put her back to bed feeling only the smallest bit relieved. I tossed and turned for another hour before finally falling asleep myself. I was happy when she woke at 6 AM crying out for food. As is our morning custom I let her stay in bed with me and she chatted herself into dreamland sleeping until 10 AM. It was lovely.

I want to hope that she'll sleep so well again tonight (this time I'll be prepared with my pump set up in the other room if I wake) but it never happens two nights in a row. In fact she'll probably wake every hour just to make up for it. Who knows, one of these days maybe she'll surprise me. I'm used to no sleep so when it happens it happens. I never thought I'd adjust but now exhausted is just normal to me. Don't tell Mr. Bear that not waking to nurse will be something I truly miss. She's growing so fast that I don't want to encourage her to grow any faster. My silly, sweet, sweet baby girl.

First and Second

First of all....check out my new favicon*! (that is the little picture next to the web address bar) I had it made into a little bear because, you know, I'm in love with an Angry Bear and I gave birth to a very cute Baby Bear. I got it from a wonderful Etsy site for a reasonable price and I'm so happy with it. Makes my blog so cheerful. Now if I can find someone who will design my blog for free instead of charging me $85! har har I have a great idea for my blog header, I just need to figure out how to get it done. Dad??? I feel like you should be able to help me do this. ANYWAY.

There is no second of all. I'm just so happy because last night Baby Bear only woke up 3 times after we got home and in bed around 10 PM. Sleeping from 10-1, 1-3:30, (waking at 4 because she needed to be reswaddled, I'm not counting that one), & finally 4-7ish is impressive in my book. Ok, it doesn't sound impressive, I get that, maybe it was just the fact that I went to bed at 10 too. Yeah, that must be it. Bummer, I had convinced myself we had a good night.

I guess that's it. Now I need to pack Baby Bear's bag so she can go spend a few hours with her Grammy. Mr. Bear and I are attempting to house hunt but I'm here to tell you that it is FRUSTRATING! Really frustrating. I'm just focusing on the grateful factor. I'm grateful that we are in the position to look for houses. I just need to keep repeating that over and over and over. Because a 2 bedroom condo just IS NOT cutting it anymore. Wish us luck.

*I think if you use internet explorer you won't see this, bummer for you.

Spring Where Are You?

It's been over a week and although I spend time on the computer I haven't had the energy to think about posting. The winter blues have hit me like a ton of bricks and I just feel exhausted and cooped up in our little condo. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I would eat a cow if it meant I could get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. That is desperation if you couldn't figure it out!

Last night I was up every hour with the Baby. At about 3:30 AM she didn't want to sleep, she didn't want to nurse, she just wanted to cry. So...I got out of bed, changed a very wet diaper, and rocked my baby while she ate. The hardest thing about these difficult nights is that when morning comes I feel unable to function. Mr. Bear is tired and has to work so what is there to do? Crying is not an option. Mom's don't cry. But sometimes I really really want to. So instead I'm going to suck it up, do some dishes, brush my teeth, and pretend to keep it together. Oh, and enjoy my darling because she is why I do it all.

*Yawn*

I sat down at the computer at 9:00 intending to do.....nothing. To wait for my diapers to soak, to wait for my laundry to dry, to listen for my baby and hope she sleeps late into the night (or early into the morning) before she wakes to nurse, to ignore the quiet of a house void of Mr. Bear. Now it is 11:30. My diapers are STILL soaking (has it ever taken this long???), my other laundry is finished drying but I truly do not want to get up and fold all the millions of baby sized items, the wee one is still sound asleep, and...the house is still quiet and void of my love.

Life is good despite the cold and dark of winter. Though I do wish it was warm so I could pack up my darling and go find a shady spot to play and enjoy the Earth. If it is only December and it has only begun to snow then how will I feel when the misery that is February hits? February is misery because it is bone cold. The ground has forgotten what heat is and has all but given up on living. But, February means March is on the horizon which means April showers are not so far away. And although we'll likely get some snow in April (thank you Utah) it will mostly be warm. Warm enough for walks and daydreams of Summer! So, I suppose I would take February over December. Life is still good though. I have my daughter. I have The Bear, even if he has spent more of December away from me than he has with me, or it feels that way. Work is a pest but I am glad for it anyway.

I'm tired but I keep thinking I'll go get that warm laundry and do my duty. On the other hand....I rarely get quiet to myself so perhaps I should enjoy it? Likely I'll give into the tired and crawl in bed, my sleeping sweetheart barely an arms reach away, and get what rest I can. I do love to lie in the dark and listen to her little sighs. To reach over and place my hand on her chest when she stirs.

Tomorrow is another day with more life to face. I savor the goodness that is my own.