Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired

2011....the year of The Sickness. That's what it feels like anyway. I had a cold a couple of weeks ago that was followed by a persistent cough that has now turned into a full blown flu. Misery. 

I'm trying to focus on the positive throughout this and here is what I came up with. So far I've lost 2 pounds from not being able to eat anything. That puts me 1 pound away from 20 pounds lost since November and 40 pounds lost since I had the baby. I know, 18 months to lose 40 pounds and I still have 20 (minimum) to go, not very impressive. Also, it snowed over 6 inches at my home here in Utah (in April!!!!!) on Saturday night but being so sick I can't get out of bed makes it a lot less frustrating to be stuck inside the house. Also, I cut my hair. Short. Not washing short, freshly cut, and styled by a professional, hair for 3 days is a lot less of a greasy mess than my old long doo. Along those same lines, washing and drying short, low maintenance hair is so much easier than long hair, especially when standing up makes you want to vomit.

Yes that is me in my bathrobe, in a bathroom, taking a mirror picture. Also, I'm not trying to be sexy or MySpace picturey, smiling just doesn't feel at all natural when you are A) Taking pictures of yourself in a mirror for no reason & B) feeling like death. Kudos to me for pulling my shit together for long enough this afternoon to shower, dry my hair, AND brush my teeth.

Poor poor Mad. She was so bored today. I promised her, tonight as we snuggled in my bed, that I would feel better in the morning. I really hope mama doesn't look like a liar and really does feel better!

The Funky Chicken

Honestly, I've been in a bit of a funk lately....aka all of February, and maybe part of January too....so there it is, my too legit to quit excuse for the lack of substantial and hilarious blogs. As per my usual around here...OF COURSE!

I was starting to feel a little less "funked" and then my Baby Bear came down with HELL and we literally did not leave the bedroom, or bed for that matter (except to go to the Dr.), for an entire week. And then we struggled to keep it together for another week after that, and that was the large part of the month. Now I've just been overwhelmed with catch up. As in, catching up to a tornado toddler who has been making up for lost time via dumping everything within reach onto the floor. Again and again and again and again......And eating CONSTANTLY so I feel like I might as well just move in to the kitchen so I can load and unload dishes in my sleep. My organization weeks haven't come to a complete halt, they are just a little side tracked with some of the small projects I've been working on that are less abrasive to my sanity. Not that sitting in a pile of cupboard contents and finding a better way to store them isn't healing in it's own right.

So, now I am attempting to climb out of the dark tunnel that has been my February, hopeful for some of that early Spring I was promised so I can feel a little more sane slash stir crazy but wanting to avoid leaving the comfort of my warm home. I have a few projects that I've been working on, like this bulletin board slash key holder (that I DID complete the next day), and I want to show off the cute ideas all this sick time has afforded me but today I don't have the photos ready (or the cleaning to make the photos viewable) so you'll have to settle for an Iphone capture of my new Spring (possibly Summer) yarn wreath. I really love the colors and I kinda think I could have done better on the flower placement. Alas, I use tacky glue because I'm too lazy to get floral wire and figure out how to do it that way.

I'm welcoming Spring to my doorstep! P.S. This Spring I AM going to sand down and paint this awful, chipped door. Hate.It.
P.P.S. Tutorials for the felt flowers can be found at the lovely blog of Mrs. Priss, here & here. I was doing yarn wreaths prior to finding her blog but I know an entire wreath tutorial as well. Basically it's exactly the way it looks, super easy!

To Eat or Not to Eat....

I'm puttering around my quiet, post bedtime, house trying to get things done (while not actually working too hard) and I swear that all the sweets and treats in the house are calling my name. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear as I organize groceries in the refrigerator, taunting me with their bubbles and toppings of whipped cream or raspberries as I try to fold my laundry, begging me to stop washing those dishes and sit down with just one cup/slice/piece/bit before I nod off to sleep with my little Baby Bear snuggled in beside me. Curse you holiday that is an excuse to buy things that don't belong in this chubby household!

The Bear, admittedly loathing of such a ridiculous a holiday as Valentines Day, brought home Godiva Chocolate Truffles, Raspberry Almond Torte, Expensive Red Wines, among other goodies and they are all half eaten waiting for me to give in and indulge for the second night in a row. Ridiculous! I should just throw it all out, but the sugar addict in me just cannot let go!

{Mad Mads in her Valentines outfit...well before Valentines Day since we were sick and unable to move on Monday. She's sweeter than any treat!!!}

I'm trying to keep my hands busy with projects but my brain is going a million miles an hour and I can't even focus on getting a single task accomplished. I don't blame this lack of focus, entirely, on the sugar cravings. It's been a really long week. A long month. A long year in fact (is it a bad sign if I'm saying this at the beginning of month 2?), and I am tending to avoid the things that simply must be done. Today, instead of putting laundry away (at least 3 loads waiting on the couch for my undivided attention) I got down and dirty with my spray paints and have almost finished up a little project in the kitchen and one in the laundry room. It takes so much longer during these cold, dirty, months so now, when I am literally a few sprays away from being done I find myself wandering to other jobs. My non perishable groceries are sitting quietly on the living room rug waiting for me to assign them a home. Instead, I am blogging. About all these things I should be doing, but am not, because I can't stop my mind from wanting to eat and then relax.

My Mad and I are slowly recovering from a terrible illness that has plagued our home for an entire week now. She is coughing constantly and her nose is one big scab from the constant flow of snot I try to keep from dripping into her mouth, I have a throat that is swollen, but not enough to keep me from enjoying the taste of aforementioned foods. We both are tired and cranky and ready to feel 100% again. House tending isn't really what I want to be doing tonight but I know when I wake in the morning I'll be even crankier if I have to deal with sick Baby and dirty home. The incredible, and frustrating, fact is that The Bear and I LITERALLY scrubbed this place from top to bottom over the weekend while the sun was shining and we had the energy. It smelled like Pledge and freshly washed floors. Now it looks just the way it always seems to, cluttered and in need of my attention.

{My kitchen project, waiting for colored hooks to screw into the bottom as key holders. Previously it was black, one of those multi-purpose boards from Target.}

Worried Rambling

Am I allowed to say that it has been a long week when we're only on Monday? Time change just threw the whole routine through a big fiery loop and it feels like the last two days have been an eternity.

On Sunday (an appropriate day for eternity to begin, no?) Mr. Bear and I were restless, like whoa, and itching to get out of the house, by noon, or one according to our brains/bodies. We piled our Angrybear selves into the car and took Baby Bear to the aquarium. I've been meaning to invite my girlfriends and their kiddos to go with us on a boring cold day but this day was desperate for entertainment. As it turns out it was better just the three of us went because Mad, who I was sure would looooove the whole thing, was more than a little afraid at a lot of the big fish (and penguins!). Also, she was petrified of the big plastic frog. Who would have thought my fearless munchkin would flip out over a cute frog?! But, she really like the tanks with tiny, bright, fish and frogs so we had some white knuckled, clingy, fun.

This morning we woke to cloudy skies that threatened rain. After a very long night, in a week of many many long nights (molars), I bumbled through the morning routine before naps and then a trip to the craft store. It was snowy/rainy and so so cold. Welcome Winter.

After book time I noticed a voicemail from my sister....my niece, the one that Mads loves to hug and kiss on, has strep throat. My stomach felt sick (still does). First of all, my poor poor niecey. Up all night crying, for days, and in so much icky pain. Second of all, we were just with her the night before. Both Mad and I loved on her. The Bear travels this week, I can not be home alone with a strep throat baby, or a strep throat me.

During bath time I asked The Bear to put some lavender drops in to help calm Mad down, hopefully, so we could get a night of good sleep. When we pulled her out her legs and bum we covered in huge raised spots and were burning to the touch. Mama freak out! We assume he put too much oil in the water (we've used this same oil her entire life with no issues) and she had a reaction. She was oblivious so we let her play on our bed without clothes so we could keep an eye on her. Sooner than later they faded away and off to bed she went.

Now I'm just sitting up wondering if she might be getting sick and hoping her jammies didn't irritate her legs, even though the spots were all gone. So yes, a long long mama day. My heart races at the thought of my little Bear going through any pain at all. She is never sick, has only had 2 or 3 colds her entire life, so I'm not sure how to handle any problems. I continually panic at the thought of waking in the night to a very high fever. So, even if she sleeps tonight, which I DOUBT she will, I have a feeling I won't be doing much of it either way. Who knew being the mama could be so hard (everyone, I'm pretty sure).

I Got Out of Bed...& Bumped My Head

Maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired or maybe it's because I've had one of "those days," (you know, the days where everything you do and say comes out a little harsher than you intended it, or you opened your big mouth at all when you knew you should have just kept it shut altogether) but the intense feeling of failure is just overwhelming. Alright, over dramatics aside, I simply feel like I can't win just by being me today.

Parenthood & partnerships/marriages are two of those fuzzy, feel good, me love you long time sorts of experiences that you can't help but feel intense gratitude for being involved in. Most days are surrounded by laughter, hugs, smiles, slight chaos (the good kind), & much much love. Other days, for me anyway, begin on the wrong side of the bed and end with the whole bed to yourself (not the good kind). They are few and far between, really they are, but when I have them it's enough to make me wonder why/how I ever thought I was so awesome to begin with.

For example? I thought I was an awesome, attentive, loving, home cooked meal, sort of mama but today my almost 13 month old daughter ate an Arby's roast beef for lunch and Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner (I couldn't have even done the Organic kind???), she cried when I took her out of my sister's arms (the quivering lips and huge crocodile tears type of crying), & she picked up the television remote and carried it over to me whining and pointing to the television. Guess the 6 AM Sesame Street in bed & sanity saving Tinkerbell movie does more damage than good. My bad! Mom of the year at your service!

Or this; I feel like I try to be patient and understanding with The Bear when it comes to these two things, work & parenting. Instead the first thing I do when he sits down to play with us at the end of his work day is bark at him for checking work email at the same time. Never mind the trip to NYC that work email just paid for, or my beautiful home & brand new car. And when we sit down for dinner, rather than expressing gratitude that he is feeding the baby so I can eat before my food goes cold for once, I criticize him for not doing the feeding just the way I think he should be doing it; which is something I've struggled with since day one, "hold her neck! rock her MY way! smile more! talk more! laugh more!". Just saying it all aloud makes me want to kick myself out of the house. In my head I am telling myself that I'm patient and understanding a lot of other times and maybe I had every right to react the way I did (I was sick and exhausted right?) but I never have been good at pep talks and mostly just feel worse the longer I analyze the situation.

Unfortunately even though I recognize these flaws in myself it is extremely likely that I will, flip on Sesame Street when Baby Bear is brought to me at 6 AM (or earlier) tomorrow morning, fill up another day with not so homemade meals because I'm still recovering from the sickness, get my feelings hurt when Baby Bear wants my sister more than me, & feel, possibly un-justified, resentment toward Mr. Bear's Iphone....and vocally express that resentment. All of these realizations are contributing to this overwhelming feeling of utter parent & partner failure.

So I sure hope that this day can be blamed on my sickness because I know the runny nose won't last and this losing streak sure as hell can't last either lest I spend the remainder of my life being constantly plagued with the knowledge that I am a sub-par, overly critical, & nagging woman (reminded by no one other than myself). /pity party

Weekend Update

Yesterday I had the flu. It was awful. I can't thank myself enough for getting sick on the weekend though, when The Bear is home from work to help me out. I threw up on the side of the road because I thought I was better when I really wasn't. Thankfully it only lasted 24 hours.

Tonight Mr. Bear and I sat outside under the stars. We talked and watched old videos of Baby Bear on his Iphone. I admit I cried, I just miss my little itsy baby so much (but I love my big independent baby too). Little babies make me cry a lot. My friend has the sweetest little baby girl and I just well up with tears when I see her pictures too. Sometimes I see little babies in public places and I stare a lot and make weird "awww cute" holding back tears at the sweetness, mama faces at them. I can't help myself. Maybe it's a lack of sleep, maybe I just haven't been snuggling enough with my sweet girl since she's been sleeping all night in her own bed. Maybe the milk in my chest pushes tears out of my eyes involuntarily. Who knows.

Speaking of tears. I just bought a swimming suit. In 4-7 days I'm really going to have something to cry about. At least I got a bottom with a tummy control option. That's a good thing right? RIGHT??? Ok, how about this. At least I got 10 bucks off plus free shipping. My advice to free stuff while online shopping is to Google search "company name" coupon codes. Works almost every time.

To end I have to share some sweet pics of Baby Bear. Mr. Bear's brother and I put our heads together and did this photo shoot in his living room. I love them but everyone keeps saying the balloons makes it look like a birthday shoot. Haters. Thanks B for spending so much time on this for me. M&m love you lots.

Wordless Wednesday - Sick Baby Bear

Jumping on the bandwagon.

The Worst "Welcome Back to ME!" Post EVER!!!

What a week. WHAT A TOTALLY AWFUL TERRIBLE NO GOOD WEEK!!!! Ok. Not that bad. But, definitely not good. Right before I gave birth to my little Baby Bear I got an awful cold. Sneezing, coughing, sniffling...no sleep etc etc. It sucked. Now I've got that same awful cold again (thanks to my dad and/or sister ;) only this time I have a baby to take care of and because I'm nursing her there isn't much I can take. So. I'm miserable. My head feels like a balloon. But with snot in it. Yes I did go there. On Monday Mr. Bear stayed home with me to help out but unfortunately I was worse on Tuesday. And worse again today. That's three days of feeling awful. THREE!

All this sniffling makes me hate Utah and the disgusting inversion that I blame for getting me to this place of sickness. It has cleared away now but I'm still sick. Ugh.

Oh, and the baby is sick too. = Misery. Last night The Bear slept on my side of the bed, next to her sleeper, and I tried to get some rest in the nursery (also allowing me to cough without waking her). Great in theory but with my chronic sniffling that no amount of nose blowing could cure I slept little and not well. Still, I'm grateful he was willing to do that for me, especially with work the next day, and I hope he can handle another night or two while I get well again.

Today has been long. And tiring. Baby doesn't want to nap, not even in her swing. I don't have the energy or capacity to swaddle her and rock her to sleep like I normally would. What I'm saying is, I'm very very very tired. And I miss being healthy. And I miss the Spring time too.