Days Like These

When Mad wakes from a nap I like to let her play in bed for a while before I go to get her. Why? Well, mostly because she will and it gives me a few minutes to finish up whatever I'm in the middle of doing (usually a shower or dishes), and also because who am I to disturb a cheerful baby who is playing happily by herself? I like to wait until she has decided she is done playing and starts to call for me. "Mama? She says. And then it is followed by a long string of loud, "mamamamamamamamama"'s. I love it. I pop my head in the door and she jumps up and down in her bed with the biggest most delicious grin on her face.

Kinda like this, only maybe a little bigger because you can't see her rabbit teeth in this one, looking way too big for her (or my) own good.

Then, once she's in a fresh diaper and sometimes even wearing a real outfit (getting dressed is overrated you know) we head out to play, have a snack, listen to music, read books...all that good stuff. That means all that extra time I had to finish my cleaning is about to be undone because this kid is a whirlwind. And it's not just toys. It's everything! Laundry is her favorite item to spread throughout the house. Diaper laundry especially.

She inherited her father's strange fascination with putting everything she can find on her head. Sometimes if she can't get it to stay she gets annoyed so I help her secure it on top of her crown, but usually I just glance over and there she is with a diaper/lap top sleeve, toy bag, bowl, perched up there and a big grin on her face. I laugh hysterically which only encourages this behavior.

During meal time it's a constant battle on who gets to feed her. Me, the mama with capable hands, or her the BABY with spastic movements and no aversion to having food smothering her from top to bottom.


This picture makes it look like she's mastered the spoon. Let me assure you, based on my kitchen floor after lunch this afternoon, that she certainly has NOT!

When she gets filthy dirty I give up the battle and just let her be as nature intended. I admit it's selfish of me because this view is just about the most adorable in the entire world.

Now, and also a hint at what she will look like as an 80 year old lady.

At the end of the day she smothers us with love before it's time for jammies. Daddy gets the extra special loves as she's a world class daddy's girl. I mean, he might as well start filling up her closet with shoes and designer jeans because he'll never say no to his little girl. Never.


And that, dear friends, is what life is like these days. I want it to never end. Except at 10 PM then I want to sleep allllll night long. I think it's the Summer. I can't imagine Winter being this lovely.

Lazy Days?

The summer is passing too quickly and I fear that if I focus too much on it ending, it will already be over before I enjoy these last weeks. And by enjoy I mean totally overwork myself in an attempt to get our house/yard/life organized and beautified by Mad's (if Mr. Bear is the original Angry Bear then our Baby Bear, who will soon not be the babiest of baby bears, can be my Mad Bear, since Mad is what I call her at home. Though I can't say I'll let go completely of my Baby Bear nickname anytime soon, or ever at all) 1st birthday. Birthday + party = people in my house.

I don't want my family and friends who haven't seen this place yet to think we're those awesome neighbors with dead grass. That might be what we are now but after this past weekend we are the awesome neighbors with dead grass and new randomly placed plants. Plus some piles of old ugly mulch that we are trying to get rid of (there is a lot of it!).

Rewind for just a minute. Can you believe this little imp is going to be 1? ONE!



Basically since buying the house I've worked my body to the bone and found even more energy than I ever realized I had. I can cook, clean, care, AND do yard work. Except on the days I work in the yard it's nearly impossible to get anything else done. I spent almost all day Saturday & Sunday outside trying to get the front yard ready for new grass. I'm sunburned and sore but we made progress. Unfortunately when I work in the yard I miss this little lady as she buzzes around the house doing what she does. Have I mentioned that she will be 1 in two months? I'm not ready for it. Already she feel so big in my arms when I nurse her. My sweet sweet baby.

This is her being a bookworm. She loves to read just like her mama and daddy.

A Clean House Is A Happy House

Today as I sat, exhausted from a day of busy house/baby work, folding diapers I realized something, something kind of important to me. I finally, after all these months, feel like I'm living up to my roll as "wife" and mother. I don't know if I've just gotten the hang of things or if moving into a bigger space, even if it's not my own home yet, has alleviated the claustrophobic depression I was feeling in the condo. Or maybe spending some hours in the sun these past few weeks has really made me that much more capable, I wouldn't be surprised; it's been a long winter. Whatever it is I'm surprising myself more every day as I take on the cleaning, feedings, diaper changes, nap times, laundry and more, that used to exhaust me before I'd even finished a portion of what needed to get done that day.

Example? I've made my bed for at least 7 days in a row. That's impressive right? Maybe you have always made your bed every day. Good for you! I haven't. Bed making always seemed so ridiculous to me because I was just going to get in bed again that night. I'd go through phases where I'd make on occasion and when I was single I often made my bed, but I was never much of a messy sleeper so it was simply a matter of pulling the corner of my blankets up and putting pretty pillows out. Mr. Bear is NOT a neat sleeper and kicks the blankets every which way. This means that to make the bed I have to untangle the maze of sheets and comforters, readjust & fluff the pillows, and start from the very beginning (all the bed items pulled off the bed) every time. But having a neat and tidy bed feels good I've realized and what's more I don't feel like my bedroom should have to be a place that the door is closed to. Having a "made" bed IS important after all but it is a task that is easily skipped over when there are millions of other things to do. ANYWAY, my point is, I'm finding the energy to do the things that aren't always at the top of my "to do" list and for that I deserve a drink. Or two.

Perhaps a big contribution to this whole "successful" feeling is that I'm THIS CLOSE to feeling like I can say we've got a Baby Bear who sleeps through the night. I wholly underestimated her when it came to bedtime and nights without nursing. We did it without screaming for hours, though tears WERE involved (aren't a few of them inevitable when you have a tired, cranky baby?), and what's more I learned a lot about my relationship with my daughter. The first night she went down easily, as usual, but woke just a couple hours later in tears. I let her fuss for a bit to see if she was just searching for her binky and would go back down on her own. The Bear went in after a few minutes and oh boy did that piss her off. He tried to pick her up to calm her down but she wasn't having any of that. So I went in, I sang to her and held her hand, patted her back, assured her that she just needed to sleep and we were right there for her and she quieted down. The second night was easier and she only had to hear my voice from the doorway before she fell to sleep again. The third night she slept all the way through until 5 AM the next day. Last night was the same.

All that stress and all of the tears I shed over my insecurity in this situation and what I really needed to do was listen to my own mommy instincts. I don't doubt that we will have plenty of rough nights, no one ever sleeps perfectly all the time (and if they do I want to learn their tricks!) but if we can make it through this week I'll consider it an accomplished milestone.

Now I must return to my productive day; I have diapers in the wash, diapers sitting in the sun, wool drying, and about 3 more loads of wash that are nagging at me.

Swim Suit (un)Ready

Ahhh Summer! How I've missed you. I feel like I've said that before. Probably because I say it EVERY year. I love the warm weather. love.love.love.LOVE!!! Over the past month Baby Bear and I have found every excuse to go outside when the sun has been shining, even just a little. Saturday we went for a walk to the park by the house and she enjoyed some time on the swings and I even took her down the slide (Mama is too big!). Last night Mr. Bear bought Baby a little blow up pool that had a big crab sun cover and this afternoon I took her outside for a swim. She loved it. LOVED! I loved being out in the sun too and was thrilled when I came in to see some pink on my cheeks. It feels like it's been so long! Baby Bear entertained herself the whole time, splashing and babbling while I sat next to the pool and watched/enjoyed the sun on my skin. It was so perfect that I hope to do it a couple more times this week, if the weather allows.

*Baby Bear sporting her cute swimming suit from daddy (she was just a little lump when he picked it out for her!)



In other, more tragic, news Mr. Bear and I have decided that TOGETHER we will start a new "diet" and workout plan. In the past I've said that I'll watch what I eat (but I don't) and he just doesn't eat anything so I'm stuck trying to do dinner alone which results in shitty meals and an everlasting belly pooch. Out diet isn't anything fancy. We just have pre-written meals and every day I write down what we will eat and that is exactly what we do. We also drink at least 8 glasses of water and do increased amounts of cardio/weights every.single.day. Well, maybe we'll get one day off.

I'm halfway through my first day and pretty much would kill a cow for some sugar and a Dr. Pepper. I've done my weight/resistance training off of some videos online. Basically I have no stomach muscles and I'm really out of shape. When I started the video I thought, "there is no way this can be an actual work out". I changed my mind when I tried to walk up the stairs an hour later. It was a humbling experience to say the least. I have to wonder how I went from a woman who could hop on the elliptical trainer and do 45 minutes of intense aerobic training like it was no big deal to this lump of fat that feels awkward trying to do one lunge. One little baby made me this way? It's really sad and, as I said a moment ago, incredibly humbling.

So here's to saying goodbye to these last 40 lbs of unwanted baby weight and HELLO! to being thin enough to find designer jeans in my size at The Rack. Oh, and in shape too. By the end of the summer I'm going to have a toddling baby to keep up with and I don't want her to be ashamed of me. Maybe in a couple months I'll be able to post a picture of me in a pool WITH my Bear. HAHAHAHA....but seriously.

8 months (WTH!?!)

In a few days my little darling will be 8 months old. I don't understand how this could have happened! I told her that if she continued to grow older I would ground her for life. She obviously isn't intimidated by my threats because she grows and changes every single day.

Right after she turned 7 months her two bottom teeth popped in. One day we were saying how white her gums were looking and the next morning *BAM* there they were. The surprising thing is that she had been in the best mood that week and slept like an angel (an angel that wakes up only two times!) the night before. I am sad to say goodbye to the baby gum smile days but at least this new smile is cute too!

*here is a bath picture shortly after her teeth came in. You can kind of see them poking out. Sweetness.


Lately she has really found her voice and jabbers LOUDLY all the time. I'm having difficulty getting a video of it where she doesn't start to cry, because she see's my phone and wants to have it for herself, but I'm working on it. She's always been talkative at home but more quiet in new places while she stares at everyone but these days it takes a lot to keep her quiet. We go out to dinner and she hollars and growls while all the tables stare at us. She also throws all her toys on the floor. Her most favorite game.

It seems like just yesterday I was stressed because she was well past 6 months and had no interest in eating anything other than mama's milk. Now the little piggy will eat any food I give her. Well, so long as it's pureed. She doesn't chew at all so we've been unsuccessful in getting her to take thick table foods without gagging and refusing to try again. But she isn't picky otherwise. Apples, oatmeal, & avacado is one of her favorite breakfast treats. Carrots used to be the fav but she I don't love the way the come out so I don't give them more than once a week usually. She loves lentils and rice, spinach, potatoes, squash, corn, zucchini, yams, sweet potatoes....the only food she has refused so far is green beans, which is funny because they are my favorite and I craved them all the time during my pregnancy. I probably ate green beans 3 times a week all Summer long.

She has also been learning all kinds of new tricks and if she likes you a lot she will perform, but never on command. She loves peek-a-boo and is getting really good. She has learned to hold the blanket over her face for a few seconds and make us wait, and then do lots of quick peeks in a row to get a really fun reaction. She waves "hi" and it is probably the cutest thing I've ever seen. She LOVES doggies and is very good at being "so soft" when she pets them. She will do the sign for doggie if they are around and I remind her what it is. She likes that sign because it's pretty easy to wack her leg with her hand and of course she enjoys the cheers from everyone in the room. She dances to music, sings softly when she's tired (the only time she ever uses a quiet voice), plays games on my Iphone, and gives the biggest yummiest kisses EVER (but only if she's in the mood for lovin). She isn't really close to crawling yet but has started to lunge to get where she wants to be. Right now she is climbing onto my lap trying to get the computer so I guess I will have to finish up.

She doesn't sleep through the night, or anything close to it, but she looks awfully cute when she falls asleep in my bed. I'm creating a monster, I know. Her thing these days is to hold her little feet and then she can finally catch some zzzz's. The picture is terrible because it was very dark and I only had my Iphone to edit with...but seriously, how cute is she!

Sleep Tight

My sweet daughter is a wreck without her sleep. If she doesn't nap well or if she becomes overtired she is a snotty mess of tears, eye rubbing, and general hysterics. As I type she is buried beneath my blankets, snuggled into my pillows, her little hand clutching my shirt, snoozing away in my bed. I dared to put her in her bed when she wanted to nap next to mama and she quite literally had a melt down. I tried to let her cry a bit and then re-binky her, which usually wears her out so she falls right to sleep, but alas she sobbed even louder and craned her neck searching for my arms. I couldn't deny her. After just a moment of sobs and snuggles in my bed she fell fast asleep. Although she sleeps just fine at night in her own bed there is something about napping in a big soft bed with me by her side. I don't suppose I can blame her. I enjoy napping amongst soft feathery down myself. A hard cold mini mattress doesn't quite compare. *this image is her asleep in my parents bed the day we moved from the condo. She needed to nap but her bed was in transit. She left sweaty head marks on my dad's pillow. Sweetness.



The little imp loves to sleep but is terrible at it, unfortunately. Just when I think maybe she's getting better she will have an awful night where she wakes every two hours. It isn't that she is difficult to put down at night. She just has a hard time staying asleep without waking for her binky, nursies, or just some warm snuggles. Last night was heaven though. She went down with minimal tears around 8ish (after her first bath sitting up on her own. She LOVED that!) and didn't make a peep before Mr. Bear and I turned in for the night (usually I have to go in to her at least once). We talked a bit in bed, still not a stir from her bed a foot or so away. Hours later I woke from an unnerving, reoccurring dream wherein I am stopped driving down a long road by a group of young kids. They demand I step out of the car and when I do I realize they have guns and are deciding if they should kill me or not. Usually I escape but it is never easy and I wake very upset and restless.

Anyway, after I woke I noticed that there was, errr, some discomfort in my chest and I checked the time. 2 AM. I checked the baby to make sure she was breathing (she was) and tried to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and checked on her a few more times hoping she'd just wake up and nurse so I could go back to sleep. Finally well after 3 AM she peeped just a bit and I practically jumped out of bed to get her. She barely latched on before drifting back to sleep and I had to put her back to bed feeling only the smallest bit relieved. I tossed and turned for another hour before finally falling asleep myself. I was happy when she woke at 6 AM crying out for food. As is our morning custom I let her stay in bed with me and she chatted herself into dreamland sleeping until 10 AM. It was lovely.

I want to hope that she'll sleep so well again tonight (this time I'll be prepared with my pump set up in the other room if I wake) but it never happens two nights in a row. In fact she'll probably wake every hour just to make up for it. Who knows, one of these days maybe she'll surprise me. I'm used to no sleep so when it happens it happens. I never thought I'd adjust but now exhausted is just normal to me. Don't tell Mr. Bear that not waking to nurse will be something I truly miss. She's growing so fast that I don't want to encourage her to grow any faster. My silly, sweet, sweet baby girl.

Shopping With My Eyes Closed

I'm tired. Not just tonight. I'm physically exhausted every single day. Baby Bear is restless. I'm restless too. We get so bored in this condo but it's impossible to leave for more than short periods of time and when you have to drive to get anywhere you either sacrifice a nap or come and go multiple times a day. Either option is exhausting. If you've ever hauled a 17 lbs baby in and out of the car 4 times in one day or dealt with an over tired baby for hours on end you'll understand what I mean. If you haven't then I probably just sound fat and lazy.

I'm learning what I guess I always knew and never really appreciated with my own mother. Mamas don't get a day off. No sick day. No vacation day. No holiday. I'm on duty even when I'm off duty and lately my shifts are a lot more demanding. A little one who is ready to move but can't yet keeps me on my toes and keeps my hands full. Baby Bear wants to be going going going every second that she is not sleeping. She has endless energy when she is awake and her toys simply do not entertain her the way they used to. We will read every book in the house. twice. and she'll still look up at me expectantly as if to say, "Ok? Now what? That can't be all you've got woman!". So we'll move to another room, pull out a different basket of toys and books and go through those until she starts to whine with her bored disapproval.

Today, while Baby Bear and I shopped at Target for groceries, I swung into the baby toy aisle looking for something new and more challenging than the blocks and rattles she tires of quickly these days. I guess I wasn't paying attention when my daughter rolled her eyes and told me those toys were SOOOOO 2 weeks ago. My bad. I am not kidding when I say that her eyes got big and round with awe as I paced up and down the aisle examining each toy for her age group, checking the price, seeing what sounds it made, thinking if her little hands could do those tasks yet, trying to imagine if it would last more than 2 minutes before being tossed aside. Finally after I'd gone back and forth multiple times she let out a squawk of excitement/impatience, her little feet twirling around and around, arms waggling as if to say, "Please for the love of God woman pick a damn toy"! I settled on a phone slash piano (it flipped over from one to the other) that was reasonably priced and not too huge. When I pulled it out for her at home she banged on the keypad with delight and made lovely music on the little keyboard. When I showed her how to pick the phone the first thing she did was try to shove the entire piece into her mouth. Yep, just as I thought. Maybe now my Iphone won't be covered in slobber when I turn my back for two seconds.

So, I'm tired, but happy. Happy that my baby girl is growing into a smart, fun, busy little person. Sad that she it is all happening so fast though. I admit that instead of more rigid sleep training I've started nursing her to drowsiness and then snuggling her on my chest until she's fast asleep. These moments are just passing too quickly to leave her before she's sleeping. In the past she preferred to go down on her own without me crowding her personal space (oh such her mama's girl in that way). Now I think we both need a little extra cuddling to calm down from the busy days. I hold her and let her wispy hair tickle my face. She smells so yummy and feels so warm and soft against my body. I remember nursing her during those first weeks, in the wee hours of the night, and trying to remember exactly how small she looked in my arms. Now she fills my entire lap with her long chubby limbs and her head seems so big on my chest (hard to believe that it was once smaller than just one side of my "chest" ;). I love to see her grow...but oh boy does it break my heart.

Airing Our Dirty Laundry

This week I finally "officially" packed up all of Baby Bear's 0-3 month clothing items (and a few 3-6 month pants that don't fit her long legs and booty bottom). Whoa boy was it a sad day for me. I have watched her grow. I've been excited to see all the things she can learn. So why am I so shocked??? I miss my tiny little itty bitty baby.



I wish I could go back and smell her newborness just one last time. Hold her tiny little head while she nursed through the night. Snuggle her on my shoulder without having her squirm away from me. Oh how will I ever make it through her life without crying over every new development? I suppose this is being a parent.



Today we folded diapers together. Well. I folded diapers. She stole them from my pile every time I turned my head. Eventually she had the bulk of the laundry on her lap and smiled up at me just as innocent as can be. I put my hands on her face, brought my head down low to touch hers, and kissed her over and over and over again. She loves when I do this. She loves big open mouth kisses especially. I love smelling her sweet scent. I love her. Then we decided that it was a good time to abandon our piles and take a nap together. I love being a mama. Thank you Mr. Bear for letting me spend all my days at home with my baby girl. Our time together is precious. Look at that face? I'm drunk from love. Time to go sleep so I can be close to her.

I Love(d) Tequila & Getting Caught in the Rain

For just a moment tonight I missed my old life. I missed getting up, getting my skinny butt into skinny jeans, and going out. I missed drinking like a fish. Yes, I missed being Tequila Melissa.

Lately the winter has been taking a toll on me. I go a little stir crazy and I get really lazy. I haven't put the laundry I actually DO wash away for weeks. WEEKS! So when The Bear called me tonight on his way home from a big "Meet & Greet" party for work, and told me that he saw some of my old friends, I realized that they were there baby free. Not thinking or worrying about anything in life but that moment. They were drinking without counting the hours in their head between that second and when their infant would be up and hollering for mama's milk, from the tap only, please and thank you. They were laughing at something other than a baby tooting and rolling around naked. They weren't depressed about not having lost the baby weight. And I just missed that. So much. I missed knowing myself as someone other than "mama" for once. How would it be to wake up one morning and think about myself? To stretch out and take a long lazy shower without craning my neck out the bathroom door to listen for baby cries? To need a nap because I was out having fun the night before and not because I woke up every hour to nurse a fussy baby? To not loath the body I am left with post-child birth?

I know how it would be. It would be lonely. Quiet. Empty. When I was single those things were OK. But it ISN'T baby fat rolls and rumbling bottoms. And it isn't popping my head out the bathroom door mid-shower to hear a baby jabbering to herself in a sing song voice. It isn't kisses on the back of soft necks. Or getting drunk off the scent of a freshly bathed baby. It isn't crawling in bed after a long, exhausting, day with an energetic and short tempered 5 month old and watching her chest rise and fall as she sleeps next to me and feeling so much love my heart could explode. Nope.

So take your Tequila shots and your loud parties. Take your work events and stimulating conversation. I'll stay home and savor the baby talk while it lasts. I'll snuggle and soothe and rock. I'll be the mama and save Tequila Melissa for a couple years down the road when Mr. Bear takes me on a cruise and I miss my baby so much I have to drink away my worries.

But I still hate my body even if it did shelter my beautiful baby for 42 weeks!

Do You Remember the Time

Do I remember the days when I got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time? How about those lazy weekend mornings when I could sleep in, stretch, sleep some more, and then head out to a late, lazy breakfast with The Bear? Or just the regular old work mornings when I got up at 8:30 (8:30??? Como whaaaaa???? I only speak 5:30 these days)? I do remember these days but I try not to. If I do then my headache gets a little stronger and I slump down a little further in my sloppy jammies. So instead I'm focused on THIS day.

This day I got to giggle with Baby Bear. This day I got to laugh with my nephew. This day I learned more lessons about being a mama. This day I got to take a late afternoon nap with my girl. This day I got to spend all of my energy being better than I was before, because being a mama is a lot better than being "Tequila Melissa", as my family refers to my pre-baby self. I won't lie that kind of hurts my feelings, because I know it ISN'T a compliment, but I guess I created the name for myself with all those old posts dedicated to the drink (someday when I'm not nursing my baby I will have a reunion with Sir Tequila just to see if we still have the same "fire" we did before). This day I got to go to Target ALONE and it was lovely. The best part about this day? It was 50 degrees! And even though we didn't go for the walk I was hoping for Baby Bear wore her shorties for the first time, and looked adorable!



A few notes about this picture (I'd LIKE to be high tech and, you know, draw on the picture itself with fun colors and shapes accenting what I want to show you....but I don't know how to work any program other than Lightroom, and only the most basic of tools within, on this stupid Mac....which I love, but you have to be smart to do those fancy picture doodles...and I'm not): Our toothbrushes are in the second/guest bathroom and I think that is gross but we can't brush our teeth in OUR bedroom because Mini Mr. Bear has taken over and wakes to the vibrating of the brushes. There are "man wipes" on the counter, yes. I use them for my 3 year old nephew who hasn't mastered the art of cleanup. Today his bathroom break ended in a bath, I'll spare you the details. You can see Baby Bear is watching him play Superman in the tub rather than smile for me in the mirror. Yes, I still have a baby belly pooch. I'm afraid I will NOT be that girl who updates her Facebook page 6 minutes after giving birth letting the world know I'm in my pre-pregnancy jeans again. Oh size 4 how I miss you. Ok.....size 6. But still, compared to size 11million that's not too shabby. Also....is it legal to eat my child's toes? *NOM NOM NOM* Lastley....my mom rocks. She knitted those adorable shorties and I'm in love. Oh, and yes, my towels are disheveled. Would you like to come fix them?

In The Moment

The house is quiet save a few little "mews" from my Baby Bear sleeping away in her swing. Desperate for 10 minutes in a hot shower I plopped her in the swing, something that makes me feel like a terrible & lazy mom, and after a few minutes of watching the rotating lambs she dozed off to sleep. I got a whole shower AND I got to dry my hair. AND I got to put her laundry away. The laundry that was piled up on the guest bed in her nursery/the room we use to change her diapers. How is it that one teeny tiny child can have so much damn laundry? It's unbelievable.



Now I'm exhausted and, although I know it's time for her to wake and have some lunch (isn't it lovely the way my body is a personal meal alarm?), I'm letting her doze a moment longer so I can sit and write....and enjoy the quiet. Instead of writing I could clean, God knows there is a lot of that to do, but the past month has been one huge moment of exhaustion for me and I am finding that a mother never gets to enjoy time to herself. So here I am. Enjoying it. Or trying to anyway.

In just a few days Mr. Bear and I will break* from our life as parents to spend our anniversary alone together. Welcoming this new year, one where I am not pregnant and growing fatter every day, is something I am very much looking forward to. I know that the coming months hold many unexpected events for me and my head is spinning with the thought that I am living a life so very different than the one I was living a year ago. You'd think that just becoming a mother would be life changing enough....but at the possibility of moving my entire professional direction altogether I am beginning to think my parenting position is the most normal of all the changes I'm facing. Lucky for me I am not alone in this. Having The Bear to support me relieves a weight from my shoulders, though I can't imagine he knows how hard it is for me right now. So, as I was saying, we will take our time this week to remember how much we love each other. And we do, Good God how I love that man. Now I can only hope some miracle presents itself so that his anniversary gift arrives on time....though I'm doubting it will.



Alas, my quiet time really must come to an end. Baby Bear needs the nourishment only I can provide.....and in a way I need it too.

*break....for a few hours. Not a whole day or night. God, I can't even imagine that right now. Although my mother would be thrilled if we did ask her to stay the night with the wee one. And Mr. Bear would be thrilled to experience an entire nights sleep for the first time in a month....but he's going out of town on business next week and for that he can just SUCK IT. Yep. I said it. Anyway, yes a few hours of break, which for me is enough.

Bring Back That Lovin Feeling

My hair feels dirty even though I shower every day. My arms and shoulders smell of milk and spit up. My shirts and bras are all spotted with milk stains, my bed sheets follow the same pattern. Next to me is a little, tiny, snoring baby, looking as innocent as can be. Her little chest rising and falling, her sweet lips twitching into a smile from time to time, the sweetest little bundle you've ever seen. She's napping well, I'm sure, due to the fact that all night long she grumbled and complained, squirmed and twisted, sleeping fitfully in her mama's arms (since she had no desire to sleep in her own bed of course) and wearing herself out. And me. Yes, don't forget about me. I'm tired too! And cranky on top of that. And it's only Tuesday.

Now it's nearly 4 hours later......Baby Bear woke, ate, snuggled, and now she is back in her favorite place; the soft spot in the middle of our king sized bed, head resting on a pillow while I'm here to watch her, close to her mama but comfy in her own space. Why can't night time be so easy? The little pill likes to stay awake for an hour or more every time she wakes up to eat, and she nurses terribly at night. This is all new for us as the last two weeks had been pretty good at night. So we're hoping it's just a phase. Or I'm hoping anyway.

I try to find patience during these late nights and early mornings though it's not always easy. Early this morning, while she hollered at my boob for not making her food come faster and easier, while she flailed her arms around and head butted my chest in her own frustration, I sighed loudly and said her name very sternly. It was a real parent moment come to soon. She jerked her head up to look at me, her eyes wide open and blinking as if to say, "Yes mother? Is there a problem?", and my heart melted just a little. Mostly I felt bad for scolding her even though she doesn't know her name and was just reacting to the noise not knowing what it meant. I don't suppose it gets any easier from here. One day, too soon I'm sure, she will know what it means when I say her name that way. She will look at me with her sparkly eyes and wonder why I'm such a mean cranky parent. And I'm sure my heart will break then too. Or maybe she'll have been so terrible I won't feel bad at all....but I'm not counting on it, and I'm not looking forward to it either.

Oh Baby Bear. Please stay little forever. But.....learn how to nurse and sleep at night the same way you do in the afternoons. Also, I can't believe you're almost 1 month old! We picked pumpkins last night for your first Halloween. It was cold and mama is still fat but here we are! /yet another mommy bloggeresque post

Nap & Milkstains : The Aftermath

When I found out I was pregnant at the end of January I reluctantly went to Barnes & Noble to buy some pregnancy literature. At only 6 or so weeks pregnant I still didn't FEEL like I was carrying a miniature little seedling inside of me so when the cashier asked me if the book was for me I told him quickly that, no, it was for my sister who was expecting. "Oh, well, kids are great", he said with a smile. I walked out of the store feeling uncomfortable (and really, what business did he have asking me such a personal question anyway?) and unsure of this new title in my life. Pregnant. What did this mean for my life as I knew it? So I began reading my book. What to Expect...I'm sure you've heard of it and, chances are, if you've been pregnant before you've read it too. Week after week month after month I read. By month 9 I was an expert, or so I thought.

Whatever mention there had been of the post-pregnancy experience I must have skipped over because I literally had NO idea what I would be getting. It's been nearly two weeks. Two weeks of beautiful frustration. Two weeks of naps and milk stains. Two weeks of tears. Two weeks of kissing soft cheeks. Two weeks of tiny hands reaching for my fingers. Two weeks of loving this absolutely perfect child that I created with The Bear and carried for 41 weeks. These are the moments I didn't know I had been waiting for.



Our little Baby Bear is delightful, there is no other way to describe it. Her sweet stares while she is awake, cooing, and wiggly arms are worth all the heartache I've experienced trying to feed her. Feeding time can be hell at the Bear home. Baby decided early on to make it as difficult for herself, and her mama, by refusing to actually work for her food. I suppose it shouldn't be too much to ask that the milk just pour gloriously from my chest into her open, expecting mouth. I would if I could but instead I patiently work, day after day after day, to help her understand that one must make a very small effort for each meal. She's coming around, slowly but surely, and in the end the work is all quite selfish; I love nursing this stubborn, willful, child.



No one really told me how much I would love loving her. "You'll love being a mom!", I heard them all say. But I doubted myself. I doubted my ability to be maternal. And perhaps I'm not perfect....but I love it all the same.