A Chance to Change?

Lately I've been wondering a lot about my thoughts and ideas on parenthood and how, if I get the opportunity to do it again from the very beginning, I would do it differently (I am so so so NOT pregnant, not for a while I hope, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it).

First of all I would find a fairy to grant me three wishes and every single one of them would be that The Bear and I would agree on all parenting issues. That would basically have solved ALL of our contention the past 2 years of our lives together. I hate knowing that if we disagree one person is going to feel that they "lost" and perhaps their parenting opinions don't matter as much. Mostly that would be The Bear. He knows it and I know it. I don't love that it is that way but I'm not foolish enough to deny it. Somewhere in my heart I believe that if we both had supported* each other a little more the difficult months would have been easier to move through. I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly searching for a way that we both agreed with and just stuck to the same thing from day 1. There is no going back but I hope if we do it again some day there will be less debate on how and what to do and more action. Consistent and calm action.

Secondly, and this is a big one, I would stop WONDERING, out loud mostly, how to make my child do what I wanted and expected. The wondering led to discussions, which led to disagreement, which led to attempts at other ways, which led to frustration, which led to more disagreement, and ultimately led us back to the same thing I was doing in the first place. If I just did what my heart told me was right, without the tears (my own) because things weren't perfect and complaints of exhaustion and frustration, we would have moved through with less contention and those long months wouldn't  have dragged on and on. I hate recalling all the conversations wherein I analyzed every little thing she did trying to figure out the best way to parent her (sleep, let's be honest, I've stressed about sleep this.entire.time). I would have been so much happier if I just stopped talking about it. In the end I am who I am and I can no sooner let her cry for hours on end when she just wants me close to her than The Bear can stop eating cake pops from Starbucks. It's part of who we all are...compulsive cake pop eating and all.

Sleeping with all of her things

Thirdly? Stop trying to control everything. I'm a control freak when it comes to my beloved daughter, I can't deny this even though I feel a little ashamed from time to time. Next time around I think it would ease a lot of that new baby pressure if I didn't freak out quite so much. Chances are The Bear is not going to snap her neck when he pulls her out of her bed for a diaper change but according to me it's a miracle Mad survived the first 6 months when he was in charge of her care. I won't stop missing my babies when I am away from them for even a moment, I won't stop sending huge lists of "how to's" when they go to Grammy (my mom) or Manna's (his mom) house, I won't stop describing every detail of how I get them to sleep, I won't stop loving them with every inch of my being....but I really hope that I can leave The Bear with our new baby without agonizing over the fact that he doesn't do things exactly the way that I do. Mad is proof that he did something right (a lot of things) because never has a little girl loved her father more than my Mad loves her daddy. He is the first person she looks for in the morning and business trips are getting so difficult now that she spends half her days asking "where he is?" until the moment he walks through the door. I love that because I love him so much too, so I totally get it. We both like shoes, shopping bags full of new stuff, and an AngryBear. Twinners!

But....if I didn't change a thing? Well, I have to think that despite all my (many) flaws I must have done something right. Because I made this (with a little help ;) and I think she is pretty.damn.amazing.

Playing in her hut. She loves this thing.

*The fact is, The Bear was so supportive of me and my choices, even when they didn't line up AT ALL with how he thought things should be done or what he was used to in his family. He might not always understand what I do, or why I do it, but he will always defend me. I really love that about him and it is just one more reason why I am so lucky to have him. I was the one who struggled to support any way of doing things that wasn't MY way. So, I fail, I'm working on it. I promise.

Counting Sheep

It's no secret that bed time in our house is a nightmare. Not so much the initial going to sleep process, many nights Baby Bear crawls right out of my arms into her cozy bed and kicks me out, but the whole sleeping through the night thing. While she was teething her most recent molar she screamed every time I tried to put her back in her own bed after nursing in the middle of the night. It was exhausting and the only way she wanted to sleep was snug in my arm on the bed that sits next to her crib, lets be honest, porta crib (we bought a full size co-sleeper and just lowered it rather than spending the money on a huge A crib we didn't have room for before the move). Then came the hives and two days of being in our bed, sleeping with her hands entangled in my hair, feet propped on my belly, head snugged on my super comfy pillow (that I've hoarded since I was a teenager, it's the best and even The Bear knows it), ruined her. She went from not sleeping well in our room to LOVING the family bed. She's always loved to snuggle in bed with us but for a few months she was just too excited and wiggly to fall asleep.


For me it's just easier to bring a crying baby into bed with us because I know she'll sleep the rest of the night and the thought of using the nightstand as a pillow is sometimes better than trying to constantly go to a baby who flips every time I put her back down. It's easier emotionally anyway. Most mornings I wake up pretty sore but not exhausted. The Bear, on the other hand, doesn't love it. He rarely complains, about anything I do, but inside it's there. The thought that never again will he ever let a child co-sleep with us. He likes our bed to be for us. He likes to be the one to curl up on my pillow with his face pressed into the back of my neck. It's his territory and he likes it that way.

I don't know what the future holds for us and our sometimes family bed. I know that the thought of fighting a child on sleeping with us if that's what they really really want is hard for me. I hate letting Baby Bear cry because I'm so tired of rocking, for hours on bad nights, while she sleeps in my arms that I have to just put her down and go to bed. I hate that she still struggles so much when it comes to sleeping at night.

I know that she is more attached to me than ever and that only seems to be increasing. She comes over to my arms for a cuddle often through out the day while playing. She just needs to rest her head on my mama chest for a moment to be reminded that I am there. When she is sleeping peacefully next to me, stirring and reaching out to wrap her arms around my warm body, I know I am doing what humans did with their children for centuries before the invention of cribs, crying it out, and houses big enough for designer nurseries. And...it feels right. I wish it didn't. It's a subject of disagreement for us and it would be easier if, just once, I could roll over and do what The Bear thinks is best instead of getting all emotional and maternal while I over analyze what sort of damage I might be doing to my child if I let her "manipulate" us on sleep routines or don't. I hate that word, manipulate. No one has successfully convinced me that a baby crying because being with mama is the best feeling in the world and nothing compares to that sort of emotional and physical euphoria is manipulation.

I just read this really great blog on Babycenter about this very subject, which prompted my post. I've read her blog before and I love it. She has a great writing style and I love the French thrown in here and there.

I have to mention that since her molar is in and another hasn't begun to break yet she has been doing better at night. She slept through the night once and has gone down like an angel every other night waking to nurse but going back to bed immediately and not making any fuss whatsoever. Maybe this is her meeting us in the middle. Simply on her own terms. So like her mother.....

Up In the Night

When I became a mother this instinct I never knew I had kicked in. Not just an instinct to be maternal but an instinct to be PERFECT. I want to be the perfect mother, so much that it consumes my thoughts at night. But....I'm too tired to be perfect. I know, parenting is exhausting, babies wake in the night, shit happens and you have to get used to it. I know all of this. And I'm as used to lack of sleep as a person can get. I've spent the last 8 months waking anywhere from 1 to 5 times a night (or more!) and every morning I get up, and make breakfast, and play, and give naps and do laundry, and pick up baskets of toys 50 million times and by the time night hits I'm so tired. So so tired. But I can't sleep because I know that I'll only close my eyes and a little Baby Bear will cry for her mama and I'll have to get up again. Then I'll nurse and snuggle and crawl out of bed so quietly to put her back in her bed and as soon as I close my eyes again it's been two hours and she's crying once more. Basically I'm sleep traumatized.

I admit, not every night is this way. I probably get one night of good sleep (only waking once before 5 AM) a week. The rest...not so good. Finally last night I just kept her in bed with me because I couldn't imagine opening my eyes one more time to get her out of her bed. And she does well when she can have a big comfy bed and a boob at her disposal all night long. If you were to see her sleeping with me you'd smile and "awwww" at us snuggled up like two little peas in a pod.

Only I don't feel snuggled. I feel trapped after about 2 hours of sleep. Baby Bear is wiggly, oh my, and likes to wedge herself up between my arm and my chest, feet propped on my tummy, with her hands planted firmly on my face or breast proclaiming to the world that I am her possession, oh yes, and she loves me so, and look LOOK I can eat all night long if I want! See that! Who needs a binky when there is a mama close by. So it's safe to say that at the end of the night I've been pushed to the edge of the bed (sometimes my bottom is hanging OFF the bed) and my back and neck ache like they did when I was pregnant. YES! It's like she's trying to crawl back into her womb when we sleep together, that's how close she tries to get. So I have a big 18 lb. baby attached to my front side and it is killing me. I love napping with her but all night is just.too.much.

So what do I do? Continue getting up with the hopes that she will figure it out on her own? Let her sleep with us even though I hurt in the morning? Maybe I'll just get used to the pain? Try to rock her back to sleep without nursing and hope she'll stop waking? Or.....do I move her to another room and refuse to pick her up until at least 5 AM? Part of me feels like we will both be happier if she learns to sleep all night without waking. But part of me doubts that she will calm down if I don't pick her up and feed her. And the waking will still happen every night only this time I'll have to go in and try to soothe her without picking her up, or just let her cry, and she'll never get better and I'll still be exhausted and emotionally drained at the same time. SERIOUSLY!

Is it supposed to be this hard to make a decision? I have a wonderful, happy, beautiful, funny baby. A baby who loves to sleep, so long as she can wake to nurse every 2-3 hours. I always thought babies who didn't sleep were difficult babies all the time. She isn't. She's wonderful. High energy yes, but wonderful and happy. I don't want that to change. I need answers. I need help.

Is there a sleep fairy who can come and grant me 3 sleep wishes? I only need one. I wish to be perfect with, or without, sleep.