36 Weeks

I've hit week 36 of my pregnancy and honestly at this point all I have energy is nesting/cleaning (verrrry slowly and with a lot of strange noises as I try to breathe and bend at the same time), napping/resting, cooking and eating, and Maddie time. Leaving the house takes all of my energy and by the end of the day I'm a little grouchy, super whiny, and extremely physically exhausted.

I had a couple of free Maddie days which she spent at her Manna's house (Stephen's mom) and spent the majority of the days going through boxes of baby clothes....boxes and boxes and boxes.....sorting out what I could use for this baby regardless of gender, then sorting everything else by size. Exciting right?!? Anyway, I realized that parenting a toddler on top of growing and carrying a human inside of me is what really gets my energy. I look forward to the days when I can have both my babies on the outside and hopefully have the physical energy to make it through each day without wanting to cry.

On that same note I'm so nervous.....so nervous that I won't be able to give to both of my babies as much as I want. My sweet Maddie has this crazy energy that we can barely keep up with as it is and she loves to be the center of the world, for everyone. How do I make sure she doesn't go without but still give this new baby as much love and attention as I've given her? I know it's the question that so many mama's ask themselves and it just work itself out....but it's hard simply wondering.

This post is really just a bunch of personal thoughts but I wanted to get it out. Another post I want to write is all the things about my Maddie that I notice right now. Things that no one really cares about, I'm sure, except myself. I could write for days and new things would come up all the time......like how today she put her arm around the crying kitty, who wanted to go outside and play, and told her to zip it. My girl, a bossy boss already!

A few belly shots since I haven't shared since week 24. Yikes!

29 weeks

31 weeks

34 weeks

36 weeks (taken today)

To the Daddy of My (Our!) Babies

A pretty big chunk of the time that I've know, and loved, my AngryBear has been punctuated by his role as a daddy and co-parent to our daughter Madeleine. I consider myself pretty lucky for this fact because any less than perfect traits he might carry (which are pretty much nonexistent since he and I are both perfect, which makes us perfect together;) are easily overshadowed by his overwhelming ability to be an AMAZING father. Grrr grrrr I just tripped on a pair of cowboy boots for the tenth time today! Oh look,Stephen is snoring with our toddler nestled into the crook of his arms! What was I annoyed about again???

This is all to say that he is an incredible father and my love for him only deepens as I watch him love and parent our sweet baby (soon to be plural woo hoo!). Sometimes it seems I can actually feel my heart swelling when I see him with Maddie, loving her, teaching her, comforting her, it's just all so amazingly beautiful.

I truly have no shame in bragging about what he does as a father, I know he's unlike so many out there. I've never been left to deal with difficult times on my own. When Mad was a newborn he woke up several times almost every single night the first 4 months to change her diaper. A man who never had changed a diaper in his life could quite literally do it in his sleep! Seriously, sometimes he would do the diaper change then have a full conversation with me while I nursed her and not recall a single moment the next day. It was, and is, hilarious. Bath time has always been his specialty, I hardly ever hear a peep when it comes time to wash hair, and he is happy to let Mad splash and play for an extra long time when I would get tired and pull her out kicking and screaming. His most anticipated moment after she was born was for the day she would be able to wrap her arms around his neck and REALLY hug him. See? I just swooned while writing that! I am happy to report that he can't get out the door without a hug AND a kiss right smack on the lips from his girl. When I don't have the patience? He always does. When I don't have the energy? He finds a little extra to give. When I feel like it's all too much he is there with a pat on the back, letting me know that we're there together and eventually we'll make it through.

On top of all that is the fact that he works, day in and day out, to care for us, put a roof over our heads, put food in our bellies, and provide for us the things we need AND want without asking for anything in return. He doesn't complain he just does it all because he wants to, it's who he is. If there is no dinner on the table at the end of his long day? No big deal. No laundry? I barely hear a word about it. A mess everywhere he looks? Hey, it happens. He has never once asked me to do more than I do, he is just always grateful for what is done. A smile or hug is enough for him even though I know it would probably be nice to have a perfectly clean home and a wife who isn't pulling her hair out waiting for him to come home and share some of the "burden" on a difficult day (not to say life is a burden but I'd be lying if I said some days weren't more difficult and tiresome than others, if you know what I mean).

My Maddie, oh how she adores him. She wants to do everything that daddy does. When he heads out the door to go cycling she shadows him around the house getting all of his gear together, crouching down to watch him put on his shoes, holding his helmet until he's ready to put it on, sending him off with kisses and waves and the insistence that he "be so careful". Recently he was lookin at motorbikes to purchase and she was thrilled to sit on the back of each bike with him, her sweet little arms wrapped tightly around his waist, and offer her opinion on choices of color. After that day she has made all kinds of plans to have her own motorcycle to ride with him (a blue one, with a blue helmet). She really, truly, is his number one fan.

The day he brought his final choice home. She approves!

We're so lucky to have him. No blog post can adequately describe how it feels to have a man like my AngryBear as the father of my children. Knowing I get to spend my life loving our babies, and granbabies, with him at my side is enough to fill me up with so much happiness and love.

Happy Father's Day Stephen. Mad  & I KNOW how much you do and how special you are, even if we act like little brats sometimes and forget to remind you of how amazing we think you are every.single.day. like you deserve. Although it's a good thing we rarely act like brats..........

Easy Pesto Shimp Mini Pizza with Sauteed Onions and Herb Goat Cheese

So I'm supposed to be working on a little Disneyland share post. But there are a lot of pictures and words to choose from and I'm lazy. So, it is going to have to wait a couple more days until I have more than a minute to myself. Speaking of minutes, lately nap time means naps for this mama too but today, and the last couple days, my leg cramping is just out of this world and it's so hard to get comfy for sleep. Instead of the two things I should be doing, writing about my little bug's first magical trip to Disneyland or napping, I thought I'd share a quick post about the most delish quicky mini pizza I've ever made. It's so yummy and oh so easy I just had to share. In fact, I just had leftovers while my computer booted up. The bread was a little more droopy but still yum.

I saw this recipe on Pinterest. It's actually a pretty simple recipe as she has it but I don't have a Trader Joe's to buy pre-made dough from and rolling etc....well I'm just too lazy these days, it's kind of my thing. So I made a few adjustments using a flatbread pizza creation from The Pioneer Woman that I've done before. But this was way better than that first time.

Anyway, I buy Naan flat bread for this pizza that is in the perfect oval shape which I find in the bread aisle at our GOOD grocery store. I don't shop at Wal-Mart so I can't say if stores like that have good Naan bread but maybe? I also added sauteed white onions and tomatoes and the goat cheese I used was an herb goat cheese, so perfect for this recipe. I didn't know they were going to be so amazing when I started so I don't have any step by step pics, but the original recipe does, so feel free to use that (but really, add in the onions and tomatoes, it makes a world of difference).

For this recipe you need :
♥ Pizza dough or flatbread
♥ pesto (I highly recommend the Costco brand pesto if you were too lazy to plant basil this year....like me)
♥ goat cheese
♥ mozzarella cheese
♥ Shrimp aka shrimpies (that's how Mad and I say it)
♥ white onion
♥ fresh tomato
♥ garlic seasoning, Italian seasoning, & fresh ground black pepper

To start saute some halved and thinly sliced white onion in a pan of melted butter, yum, until they are fragrant, soft, and golden. This is my favorite step, onions in butter smells incredible (until you go to bed that night!). While they are cooking pre-heat the oven (she did 400 degrees but I only did 375 because I didn't need to actually cook the dough just toast and melt everything slowly) and smear your bread/dough with pesto. Also, slice up some tomato and grate the mozzarella cheese. When the onions are done spread them over the top of the pesto, as much or as little as you'd like. Add tomato, top with shredded mozzarella, and crumble goat cheese on top of that. Season now with fresh black pepper. Add a bit more butter to the same pan and toss in your shrimp, giving each piece room to cook. Quickly toss on some garlic and Italian seasonings and flip to the other side, cooking 30-45 seconds on each side, just enough to see them turn pink. Top your bread with the shrimp pressing them down a bit into the cheese mixture (in my opinion how you add the toppings really does make a big difference which is why I go into such detail about the order of it all) and put the pan into the oven. I don't think I specified but I just put the bread on a big cookie sheet to catch all the drips etc.

Now you can see how the layers really pay off. All the colors look so perfect and every bite has just the right amount of goodness.

Honestly the cooking time will really vary depending on the oven and your desired bread toastedness. If you used pre-made dough like the original recipe it should be about 20 minutes. Mine went for about 10 or 15 minutes; I just kept peeking at them and when the edges were golden and the cheese was bubbling I pulled them out. Admire how beautiful your mini pizzas are, post pictures on Instagram or Facebook so you can pretend to be domestic, and try not to burn your mouth and you shovel it into your mouth. Your kids will love this too, I swear. Maddie went crazy for it and even Stephen had one sans shrimp. I don't think I'll ever make mini pizza with regular pizza sauce again. I love pesto so much I might name my baby Pesto....with the middle name of goat cheese.

Now, please excuse me while I go print off a poster sized print of this pizza to put over my bed.

Belated Mother's Day Post

I really missed out on talking about Mother's Day, about how much I love being a mama to my sweet Mad girl and how excited I am to watch my first baby love this new baby. Maybe it's a cliche to be so happy "just" being a mama but if it is I don't care, I love it and I'm not ashamed to shout it from the roof tops, or the top of Facebook which is what I do on a daily basis. So I'll just give a little shout out right now.....belated as it may be.

Riding the carousel at the Zoo. I had to steal this from Stephen's FB page so forgive the blur.

 To be honest I never knew how much I would love it. When I was a kid it was just what every other little girl wanted to do, so I wanted it too. I loved babies, especially my sweet brown haired baby sister who I adored from the moment I saw her tiny face (I don't recall the birth of my other younger sister much but my parents say I adored her just as much), but as I got older I questioned my own ability to be a good mother. One with patience, one smart enough to teach her children all the things they need to know (I won't lie the thought of teaching my Mad how to read still petrifies me!), it all felt very intimidating.

So being thrown head first into motherhood really worked out well for me. I was better than I thought I'd be but old enough to know my struggles and I still have to work on them every single day. And that's it. I love it even when I want to pull my hair out. Because that is part of motherhood you know. I'm surprised my own mother has any hair on her head because God knows what hell we've all put her through.

On that note I'll say that I'm lucky to have had the best mother in the world because I'd probably be a lot worse than I am if I didn't have such an amazing example of what motherhood should be. I only wish she thought she was as amazing as ALL of her children do. Even if/when we don't show it the way we should.

I also missed out on a birthday post for my AngryBear. He deserved a great one because he is so wonderful. It doesn't take much for me to look around and see that I lucked out when he fell in love with me and put up with all of my nonsense (he still does!). Father's Day is coming up and I can't wait to give him a post that is deserving of him. Also, he is OLD you guys. That means in a few years I'll be old too. Not looking forward to it!

Maddie loves her daddy. Another stolen FB picture.

A Sleep Story

A week, or two, ago I wrote a post about sleep. Not my sleep, though I am involved, but baby/toddler/kid sleep and what "they" do and don't tell you to expect and what of all that is actually true, in my humble experience. But as I wrote it just all got jumbled and I lost what I was really trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? It happens to me all the time. So I bagged it and didn't write anything for a while. Luckily for me I'm not a real blogger so this is totally ok.

I have been wanting to write about sleep though and I really am going to do it, right now. Our battle with sleep has been long and difficult. It's caused many tears and fights and worries about if I am doing anything right at all. Just last night The Bear walked down the stairs and gave me "the eyes" from the doorway. "What's wrong?" I asked, or something to that effect. "She's still awake," he growled, not really at me but at the Universe in general, or maybe at me but if that's the case I'm oblivious & also I shouldn't be saying so on my blog. "Send her down to me but tell her she's sleeping in the little bed."

Passed out on the couch, mama bed napping with the kitty, sleeping on the floor of her bedroom, sleeping in her bed with her favorite napping blanket. P.S. we have gotten rid of the binky since some of these pictures were taken

 The little bed is an Ikea crib mattress that sits on the floor, with sheets blankets and pillows, next to my side of the bed. The intention was to get her out of our bed with the hopes that she might tire of sleeping on the floor and start going back to sleep in her own bed. Some nights she doesn't ask to sleep in our bed with us at all she just come down, wakes me for good measure, and gets comfy somewhere on the floor and sleeps the rest of the night. Other nights she asks to get in bed with us and cries if I say no. Then she asks for water, medicine (because she likes the idea of something being wrong to add to her drama), hand holding and songs and I give her all but medicine unless of course there really is something wrong.

The Little Bed. It's a great play spot during the day when mama needs to rest. 

 So, most nights we get the bed to ourselves and it has vastly improved my quality of sleep. With Mr. Bear I'm never quite sure because even if I hear him snoring all night long he never seems to have gotten the right amount or type of sleep he needs to feel rested. Sometimes I still let her in my bed, because I can't lie and say that I don't love it when we can all get comfy. She is soft and warm and when she is snuggled in our bed on a good night we don't wake at all until morning which means I feel more rested. I worry about what happens when the little baby arrives and takes the coveted spot at my bedside in the little co-sleeper. Hopefully she and Mr. Bear are both ok with the transition to his side of the bed.

Napping in mama's bed after an afternoon outing, family naps on the weekend, the snuggles that make all the difficult times worthwhile.

With all the difficulty we have faced there remains the silver lining which is nap time. It's not always easy to get her to go down, in fact, just the other day we had a face off that is terrifying to recall. Usually this only happens when she is overtired and expecting something fun like visits from friends or a Grammy night. Anyway, no it isn't always a walk in the park but the days of missed naps are few and far between and I'd say that even with the struggle the nap is well worth it. For her and for me. She knows to expect it and I think some days she actually looks forward to it. She'll be 3 this September and I know nap time is going to fade into a distant memory eventually but hopefully not too soon. My girl who wakes at least once every night and is up with the sun every morning needs that extra hour or two of sleep and I savor every snuggle I get with her during these times.

So, that is our current sleep story. What's yours?

Domestic Bliss

These last weeks as I've been running around, NOT for no reason, trying to get my home and garden into shape, trying to keep up with a toddler who has more volume and energy every day, and learning to once again keep my balance with a growing belly full of baby, I've realized that I'm still just getting used to this domestic life. In reality I jumped head first from a life of YOUNG! SINGLE! TOTALLY CAREFREE! into this, my life now with a husband, babies, a home, a yard, weeds to pull, dishes to wash that simply cannot be ignored, 10x the laundry, baths to give, jammies to put on, songs to be sung, dinners to be made, garbage to be cleaned, rinse and repeat. There was no gentle initiation. Is there ever?

Mad is already the best mama

Today my Mad and I pulled weeds, spread mulch, cleaned dirt, put out chairs, and then, with the sun and a gentle breeze pouring over us,we sat in our seats to drink water and be amazed at what we got done. The funny thing is, once you sit down it doesn't feel like very much at all. The weeded area was not even 1/4 of the entire yard needing to be attended to and when you look at it you can easily look past the parts that are good and focus on all of the things that aren't good enough & very well might not ever be as good as they could be.

Enjoying her water after a long day of work/play

 It felt so similar to the way I often, fleetingly, feel at the end of a long day. When my arms are so heavy they couldn't possibly lift my baby even one more time to change one more diaper and I feel like I did so many loads of dishes, possibly even got around to making my bed, showered, got dressed, played, napped, cleaned some more, and did all of the things that should make my family and my home so happy.....only to sit down, put my feet up, and realize there are dishes in the sink, dirt on the floors, the bed that was made is unmade from naps and tv hour in the late afternoon, laundry didn't get done, the minutes I spent on the computer/phone add up to more than I intended and I look at my husband just KNOWING how much he must think I fail every day at my job.

Happy as long as I don't force him to take pictures with me

Some nights it gets to me and I swear to be better, do more, the next day, but most of the time I just shrug my mental shoulders flip, on the tv and feel so grateful to have a home to be messy and a toddler to exhaust me. And when we crawl into that cozy bed no one is worried about how perfectly made it is, least of all my AngryBear who is usually happy to have food in his belly and a few minutes of quiet before we drift off to sleep.

The cat's only demand is plenty of attention and warm spots to nap

I figure it's ok to want to be better, to do better, but the more I think and talk about it the less I do it and the more I feel disappointed that I "failed". I should just give what I have every day, which can be more or less depending on the day/mood/health status/baby location in my belly/hours of sleep from the night before and be happy for another day to do it again. That's my goal for the Summer, and hopefully by the end of it, when my new little baby arrives, I'll have next to no days when I focus on what I didn't do instead of being happy and proud of what I did........because this life was the best jump I've ever taken.

24 weeks with a baby who doesn't care about dirty dishes

My best work so far

The Goodness of Spring

Life has just been so busy and writing has just seemed like so much work lately. So, I don't do it. And then I'm sad because I wish I did. Then I sit down to write and I remember why it is so much work because I have all these thoughts and memories in my head and trying to put them down is extremely difficult.

April is a month of birthdays and my youngest sister turned 21!

Everything seems to be at such a peaceful place right now. That is exactly how I want it. I want to be calm, and happy.....I know that it's just a matter of looking around me, watching my girl play, feeling this newest baby kick and squirm around inside me, anxiously waiting for the end of the day for my husband to be with us again, listening to the laughter that brightens every morning in our home, and I can't deny how much happiness I have. That's not to say that there aren't difficult things but right now, at this point, I'm choosing to forget about that and just be content. A person only has control over their own direct choices and life and I want mine to be good. It's that easy really. If I ever feel like crying? I listen to happy music, or color in a coloring book. I mean HELLO, what tears could not be dried over coloring Disney Princesses???

Coffee, food, and my baby girl....this is every day and I like it

I am making a huge effort to spend this pregnancy overwhelmed with the good. I really believe it is a positive thing for this baby and for this birth, which I am already trying to prepare myself for. With my beautiful first baby I was so worried all the time. I obsessed over what her little face would look like, over how much she would weigh, if she would cry or nurse well, or if she would actually turn out a she. I cried worrying that there would be problems or that labor would hurt so much or that somehow I wouldn't be able to do it. As if there was really any option once things got started anyway, so silly of me. But it felt real. All that anxiety was real to me and I allowed myself to feel it. This time? It just isn't an option. I'm calm and relaxed, and if I'm not I'm pretending that I am anyway. I don't worry about anything except for the moment I am in, the kicks I am feeling, the roundness I'm trying to appreciate, the way my daughter cups my belly with her arms and whisper yells to her sibling about her love for him/her, and how she demands I do not cover the baby with clothing, which I get around by telling her the baby is coldy (coldie? It's our way cuter way of saying cold) and that totally makes sense to her!

Our kitties love Mad - My very best lunch date - Book reading together - 22 week baby

I'm feeling the extra happiness of Spring and can't wait to spend every day outside in the sun. I think the baby would like that and I KNOW my little outside girl will too. This mama could use some Vitamin D to keep her pumped up with happy with little to no effort, which is exactly what Spring brings. Happy Spring everyone, I hope it makes everything look a little brighter for everyone.

Such a cute and happy Easter girl

P.S. My new favorite Iphone app, Frametastic. I don't even use a regular camera these days and this is a fun way to catalog my many pictures.