Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Reflection of the Overweight & Emotional

If I had to made an educated guess, and by educated I mean a guess with no formal research whatsoever, I would say that every pregnant woman hits a point in their pregnancy when they step back, look at their fat face in the mirror, and contemplate if being SUCH a bitch is really necessary. In my case I can't say that it is necessary, rather, it is one of those sticky situations I get myself into that is hard to recognize until well after the tears and erratic hand motions have ceased.

I'm the sort of girl that jumps the gun in getting upset. Time has trained me to assume that no man will have a calm discussion with you and so get the first word in, because it surely will be your last. I also require a certain period of time to dissect every word I said and think, "Hmmm....did I REALLY mean that I think his dog is a stupid whore?". Usually I don't. Unfortunately I have yet to discover a way to catch my mouth before it spins out of control.

Luckily, for all of the involved, I haven't acted on my VERY STRONG desire to throw things. This is an urge I've had to resist since I was a kid; crying uncontrollably in my room, woe is me my parents hate me because I'm fat and it makes me want to KILL LITTLE BUNNIES, so instead I'm going to throw this wood bunny REALLY HARD. And when it cracks against the wall the tears just turn to emotional self mutilation....woe is me my parents hate me because I'M PSYCHOTIC AND BREAK get the point. Now, when I'm angry, I just think about how damn good it felt when that cute little bunny left my hand and how if I can just find the nearest *searching searching* item *searching* that I can actually pick up *searching* I can get that same satisfaction.... but I have learned a lesson or two in my life, and I remember clearly that throwing things only makes one look crazy, not in control, and usually doesn't make me feel better. As a side note I should mention that I have no desire to throw things AT someone, just in the general direction of a wall.

So, this is my public apology for being a crazy bitch.

Also, may I gently remind those that I love that it has been about 4 1/2 months, 18 weeks......or 127 & a HALF days since I've had any Tequila. Or Xanax. Not that I'm keeping track. If you love me you'll remember this next time you see me desperately searching for a cotton ball to throw while I cry and mumble obscenities concerning your dog and her whoreness. Or is that my dog?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Poor Mr. Bear

Week 23 of being with "Alien" has arrived and I couldn't be more.....ornery about every damn thing that goes on. Sunday our breakfast server was a jack ass. Why? Because he was. Isn't that reason enough? The cashier had an annoying voice, and by annoying I mean incredibly cheerful, but paired with her spiky hair it was just THAT MUCH worse. The people behind us had a cute little girl who dared to talk loud enough for me to overhear, "WHY can't people control the mouth's of their 3 year old? We're in public for Christ's sake!!! NO TALKING ALLOWED!!!". It was hot outside. Fucking weather. Doesn't the sun know I'm pregnant and ornery as hell? Apparently not because it just kept shining. People drive too slow, or too fast, the sun shines at the wrong angle, my blanket got twisted, I forgot to turn the air conditioner off/on and I'm UNCOMFORTABLE, someone is getting married/divorced and wants to talk about their emotions (I'm not the only one with those things?), someone is having a conversation and IT REALLY IS BOTHERING ME!!! You see where I'm going with this?

Poor Mr. Bear.

We've gotten the itch, like many other expecting families have been known to do, to make the most of our small space by re-organizing. This includes down sizing furniture which actually costs money (SURPRISE!!!) although in the long run it is totally worth it. Naturally as first time parents we have a lot of things we'd like to invest in for the baby, and ourselves, and it's frustrating to see how many items hold a price tag over $100.00. At first it seemed like just a few specific, in addition to furniture & accessories that is all expensive even for a good deal, we have baby decor & clothes and clothing for me, which is totally overpriced. $50.00 t-shirts??? I don't even spend that much on shirts normally! Alas I keep getting fatter, something about growing a child, and 5 multi-colored shirts and tanks that no longer cover my bulging belly just aren't enough to keep me feeling positive about the way I look. Poor Mr. Bear has enough reasons to keep me from crying and hating myself every morning shouldn't have to be one of them. So, we buy, and buy, and buy. A lot of money, and a lot of effort later, the condo is in shambles and I still cry a lot. It feels like it might never end and I seem to find more and more to add to the already huge list of things to do. Walking 3 flights of stairs at the end of a work day and then feeling like the whole place is out of order is really exhausting, for both of us.

I wish Mr. Bear and I could just jump on a very air conditioned plane and fly away to the beach somewhere....and that it could be free. I deserve it because I'm fat and tired and growing an Alien. He deserves it more because he is carrying a much bigger, and much less adorable, load than I.

Poor Mr. Bear. But lucky me, I couldn't wouldn't want to do it without him. Yes lucky me, and very lucky Alien.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Today is my very favorite person's birthday. Mr. Bear is turning 18! Finally our relationship is legal!!! Having a baby with an underage man was really an emotional burden for me.

In all seriousness....Mr. Bear is the most wonderful man. He makes every day a joy. Because I love me a good list I'm going to list all the things I love about him, and being with him (in no particular order of course):

♥ He makes me laugh. Out loud. A lot.
♥ He knows how to rub my back, not too hard not too soft
♥ He is a great housekeeper! (haha)
♥ He tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful every day
♥ He loves to cuddle
♥ He's really sexy
♥ He never forgets me when he's out of town
♥ He makes me a better person
♥ He always tries to be a better person too
♥ He loves my family
♥ He loves his own family, SO much
♥ He feels comfortable leaving creepy messages on my sister's voice mail
♥ He drinks beer just to prove he's a real "man"
♥ He holds my hand when we walk
♥ He is super smart! I'm always learning new things from him.
♥ He has nice handwriting
♥ He tolerates my eating habits (from veggies, to sushi, to peanut butter in bed)
♥ He will let me have a pug *wink*
♥ He has made so much room in his life for me, even though it isn't always easy

And FINALLY.....
♥ He actually wants to get old with me (and I believe him, kind of)
♥ He will be the most wonderful father in the whole entire world, and I couldn't be happier.

This isn't all, or even close to all, of the wonderful things I could say about him. But it's a good start. I noticed that a lot of my list includes the word "me" and maybe that is the thing I love the most. That there IS a me in his life. And even though there are easier women (no pun intended) in the world, he put up with my shit long enough for me to realize how LUCKY I would be to include myself in a list of his wonderful things. I wish everyone could hug a Bear today....I know I will.

Monday, May 4, 2009

What's in A Name???

Girl Alien has an ETA of September 12th, 2009. Mr. Bear and I are anxious for her arrival. I don't know if I'm more excited for the Alien herself or to work on getting my body back (kidding, I'm totally more excited for my body). Surprisingly it doesn't matter how much you cry, tears don't burn ass fat. I guess eating ice cream doesn't either.

Mr. Bear is a man wonder. Honestly, I don't know how anyone does ALL of this with a lesser man. He couldn't be any more kind or sensitive (in a very manly way) with me and all of my traumatic emotional breakdowns. He COULD have been better at getting me curly fries when I wanted them...but, it's too late now, I don't want them anymore. Lets see how he fixes all the insensitive things that people at work say (ex. "you're just getting fat all over"). If he still loves me at the end of all this I will be truly impressed.

And, to save any nosey people from the questions:

♥ No, we won't be getting married (I don't need a paper document to justify my desire to have a child with this man)
♥ Yes we're excited
♥ Yes I will keep working
♥ Yes I will give birth in a hospital with pain reducers (and my sister and mom are totally ok with this)
♥ Yes, to all those questions that end in the idea of whether or not Mr. Bear and I will do what is best for our Alien in every way. The questions may vary, but we only want the best so yes is our answer.

♥ & NO I don't think she is getting a complex because I call her an alien. Now, if I called her a big headed alien (which she is) I would expect to catch some grief. Assuming she cannot read my blog and cannot read my mind I think we're safe because I only talked about her big head out loud one or two times.

♥ Oh and really, I shouldn't have to say this, but of course I'm more excited for an alien. Totally worth the fat, and I get big boobs. Get with the humor program.


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