Monday, November 24, 2008

My Whole Life is Just Change Falling Out of My Pockets

Sunday morning I woke up with a plan. A good one. Blogging about it includes a lot of back(forward?)slashes and I'm excited for it/them. The world SLASH is awesome and so every time you see this,/, you MUST say "slash" in your head. Or out loud, whichever is preferable to your blog reading style.

This weekend I was going to pray to my heathen God that Sunday would be fantastically beautiful, as it has been all week (alas my "knees"/weather update sources were incorrect in their expectation of snow and cold and misery), and I could drag Mr. Bear up the canyon for the hike/walk I've been wanting/needing.

Pray/Praying/Prayed. IT WORKED!!! Apparently I've confirmed that there is such a thing as a heathen God/God of Heathens and Sunday was BEAUTIFUL!!! And by beautiful I mean incredible/everything I could possibly ask for on a Sunday in November in the cold infested state of Utah/All that is Miserable. Mr. Bear and I got up and headed for coffee right after showers and WoW time HAHAHAHAH (sorry) as I cannot function without it. Example (give or take some words for blogness compatibility):

Mr. Bear: What would you like for breakfast?
Me: Coffee
Mr. Bear: And?
Me: Toast?
Mr. Bear: We'd have to sit somewhere to get coffee AND toast.
Me: Ok, just coffee.
Mr. Bear: *looking up some place with breakfast type food that is not as complicated as sit down with a waitress restaurants*
Me: It's Sunday. I don't think they even have coffee.
Me in my own head: Food? What is food? Where is my coffee? What day is it? Where am I? Who is this man talking about ingesting a meal before I am caffeinated? Do normal people require a substance OTHER THAN caffeine in the morning? Weird. MUST.HAVE.COFFEE.

We drove what felt like hours to the nearest Starfucks so I could function properly and fueled up. Lucky for Mr. Bear they serve somewhat edible bagels (note: SOMEWHAT if you like dry bagels, which I do as long as I have coffee) and it didn't require a waitress. He ate in 2 minutes. I ate in 20. It was delightful and he needs to learn how to eat at a normal human/Melissa is slow pace.

Our walk up the the canyon was so lovely and I want to do it all over again every single day/once a week. We also saw a dead body/homeless kid dead/sleeping in a body bag/sleeping bag on the way back to the car. Some people thought that was really hilarious.

Mr. Bear: I hate when change falls out of my pockets and beneath my seat where I will never see it again.
Me: My whole life is just change falling out of my pockets.
Mr. Bear: Wow! That was really deep. *smirk* (possibly imagined the smirk but it's doubtful)
Me: No, I mean literally. I'm always dropping change everywhere.
Mr. Bear: But the DOUBLE meaning. That really was deep! You should blog about that! It would make a great blog!

So here I am, change falling out of my pockets and all, take that as you will/in a very deep way. Next time you drop some change and swear out loud/in your head because it has been lost to the underneath of your seat I hope you think of us. I will advise you not to pay $60.00 for a car detail just to find at least that much hiding beneath you. Just sayin.

*Some convo is not word for word. I can barely remember my name each morning (especially before coffee) let alone full word for word conversations. BUT it is essentially the same and this is the only time I will ever clarify this lapse in actuality. It ruins the blogness of my blog and all that which is funny/blogish.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Еб тваю мать...в банкe

This morning as I rushed out the door (rushing because I have been in the bad habit of obsessing over my chubby ass in the mirror before deciding what to wear each morning) I realized that I had a couple of necessary errands that needed to be taken care of before I started my day. Adding errands to an already frazzled, distant, sidetracked Melissa? Interesting.

Sometimes when I drive I realize how TOTALLY unorganized I can be. Why don't I wait to walk out the door until my coat is on....or, you know, everything is at least in my purse. Instead I leave the house with one arm in my coat, my scarf half tied, phone, keys, hair pins, breakfast and most of the contents of my purse IN MY HANDS! Not in my purse, where they belong. So what I'm saying is it is quite a sight to watch me walk to my car some mornings. This is usually followed by a drive where I try to remember what it was that morning I told myself I needed to remember. Then it becomes a struggle to even remember if there was ANYTHING I needed to remember at all. Perhaps it was yesterday I had things to remember...and if that is the case I definitely didn't even remember to remember it let alone remember it a day later.

What I'm trying to say, lest I get side tracked (SHINY OBJECTS!!!) & forget, is that sometimes, er MOST of the time, I'm a headcase who can't remember shit and to be honest I don't try that hard to rectify the problem. Now I'm going to tell you a very short story to sum up my morning: Wait for it......BAM

Notice something missing from this picture?

If this was my bank I visited this morning...and that was my banking tube I picked up my transaction through...then the actual container the following customer might need to complete THEIR transaction would be in my back seat. Yep. I noticed when I got to work and have yet to return it. Just another moment when I think to myself, "Is this a sign that I'm going a little crazy?", to which I answer, "Yes, yes it is", TO MYSELF!

Note: If you can't read Russian, and that is perhaps a good thing, I will tell you that I don't think my title is at all appropriate for repeating. It could say chicken fucker and I would have no idea. But that would be cool if it did.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tirer de Sommeil

I had big plans. Lots to do. All the time in the world. Sparkling fresh bathrooms were in my future and I couldn't wait.

It must have been close to 2AM when I woke up on the front room couch, television repeating the Daily Show probably for the 3rd time that night. I ate 4 pieces of Tuna on toast, 2 beers, and a tootsie roll. Good to know I can keep up with myself. I guess secretly when I was making great plans to clean and do my laundry I really knew I just wanted to sleep all night in an apartment with no roommates (traveling). It doesn't happen every day you know.

In between naps last night I think I came up with some brilliant ideas about life. Oh man, I had it all figured out. Beer and toast will do that to a person. True enlightenment. Unfortunately by the time I woke up in the morning I couldn't remember what the questions were to begin with. Must not have been that great.

I guess it's good to know that there is nothing so major in my life that I worry about it for too long....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Tweet & Tweeted & YetAnotherListOMGWTF

My most recent Tweet: this day is awesome. people are awesome. i am super in love with this shitty ass day/week. awesome.

It isn't that everything this week has been shitty. Thank you to the following for being the kind of awesome that is happy and not shitty:

♥ Gin & Tonic
♥ Tequila shots
♥ Xanax scrip refills
♥ hilarity during dinner
♥ fancy dresses
♥ good sleep
♥ good work out sessions
♥ the release of the most awesome game ever EVAH; WoW! OMG I love that game! Totally powering up right now (is that even possible? you know who you are...)
♥ being served alcohol somewhat illegally
♥ stupid people
♥ drunken....conversation
♥ Mr. Bear for accompanying, providing, enjoying all of the above with/for me

As for the bull shit that makes everything so awesome, well. yeah. I'll kill a bitch. And anyone that ever makes me cry again. And your mom. Kidding, I won't kill your mom but if you do it and you need an alibi I can totally provide. Or maybe I won't and this is all a set up (by your mom)? *insert mysterious music here* also *waving my hands in a mysterious manner*.

I will say that, regardless of my badassness, matters of the heart are never easy. Also....if you give something up don't try and make it feel bad for moving on. Not cool yo. A second also; if the something you gave up was, say, an M&M that you didn't like, you can't just have it back. Trying to convince someone to give it back is super gross anyway, and kind of pointless. I think I just compared myself to a regurgitated M&M? If that is the case I'd like to be the one with Peanut Butter in the middle. k thanks bye.

*edit: If you are reading this out loud please remember to verbalize all parenthetic indicators. It makes the whole thing so much more....awesome.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Buy Lists Wholesale

Too much anxiety. Must consume Xanax. It would also be nice if I could do all or any or perhaps just one of the following:

♥ Take a full week off of work from the Big Green
♥ Not live in a state where I freeze my ass off when I walk out the door
♥ Be normal
♥ Do something illegal....I have something in mind
♥ Ignore all of my calls and the incessant questions that follow
♥ Plant a tree that grows money
♥ Plant money and grow a tree (a regular one) which would subsequently make me a lot of money because, HELLO, money can't grow a tree!
♥ Have a lot
♥ Lose pounds that I will not specify...without giving up peanut butter
♥ Hit something (not someone)
♥ Lay in the middle of a perfectly square field of perfectly green grass and stare up at the sky. For hours.
♥ Cry
♥ Listen to the rain in the dark without talking
♥ Run away to Ireland
♥ Work on a new project (p.s. I'm really good at finishing, really good)
♥ Drink wine &/or Gin & Tonics (the official drink of this winter perhaps?)
♥ Write an AWESOME fan letter to Geof from Ace of Cakes. He's really quirky this season, yowza!
♥ Stop obsessing about lists (they aren't funny! and I don't get paid to be boring...also, your monthly subscription fee is late, ahem)
♥ Throw water balloons at stupid people who are in line for Twilight.
♥ Go to Twilight and talk loudly throughout the entire movie about how stupid it is.
♥ Wander around the book store
♥ Yell without feeling guilty

I think this is it....for now. Too much to ask for? I think not. Actually making the list itself made me feel really good. Not really. But kind of. I should add, "Make lists" but then I would have already done at least one thing from the list and I should feel better. And, well, that just isn't how this is supposed to work.

On second thought.....I just need to do one thing to feel better.

Buy new jeans.

Can I say the fuck word now? Because that isn't happening any time soon. The jeans I mean; I say fuck a lot. I guess I had better start composing that fan letter to Geof.

Also, I'm going to grovel as a pathetic attempt to get my old second job back. One might wonder why I ever quit. Well I'll tell you. It's because I'm a stubborn ass who can't admit when she is in the wrong. Can you blame me though? I'm really never wrong so obviously it took my by surprise! Come to think of it this is going to be much more difficult than I realize because I was totally not wrong.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Drinking Around for No Reason

The funniest caption blog ever!

In other news: I'm alone this weekend and plan to celebrate** by consuming enough Tequila to give me a hangover Sunday morning, which will be A LOT of Tequila. Below I've created a list of all the reasons I am drinking this weekend. Making a list is the only good way to stay productive and I would hate to be an un-productive drunk! Each item is punctuated with an exclamation mark because it is A)awesome! & B)Annoying to a lot of people that I probably don't like! (kind of like when I use CAPS all the time, YES!) Side notes are in parenthesis though I wish I could insert some sort of roll over note pop out...hmmmm....

♥ Obama won!
♥ My dad will condone it, which makes it ok, because he said this when I asked what he was doing this weekend, "drinking heavily. woo hoo"!
♥ I'm celebrating being the best person I know at drinking Tequila!
I have a lot of other things I should be doing I have nothing better to do!
♥ I made it through the week!
♥ It's my un-birthday!
♥ Celebrating not being pregnant, impressive!
♥ Celebrating my friends not being pregnant! (one shot for every friend who is baby free...word.)
♥ Your mom!
* ♥ I drank responsibly like TWO TIMES this week. Really impressive!
♥ I still don't have a second job! (this item shouldn't have an exclamation mark because it is really stressing me out but I made a commitment and dammit if I won't follow through)
♥ Just because! (this is the most important reason really. If you can't drink "just because" then what's the point?! Perhaps I should change my blog to "Drinking Around for No Reason". That makes me laugh)

Hence ends my attempt to avoid Tequila related posts. For today anyway. Talking about one earring just doesn't cut it.

*As great as it is to explore the life of a responsible, social drinker it just isn't me and one has to be true to their heart. No? I KID! I love being

**Not to celebrate being alone....celebrate the weekend.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Ways to Improve Sexiness

After being at work for a couple hours this morning I made my way to the ladies room so I could throw on some make-up for the day. One might think that this was a step you take BEFORE getting to work but no not in my world. Coming prepared is what I call overrated. I had a great conversation with myself while standing in front of the mirror, it went something like this. "Awesome. You look really awesome. I'm not sure what you call've got going on with your hair but 80's Madonna would be really proud. Did I read somewhere that dark eye bags are all the rage in Europe? If so I'm in the wrong damn country. Might be a good idea to skip lunch...hmmmm actually on second thought it might be a good idea to skip all the creamer in my coffee. Wait, did I just say that? Awesome, never gonna happen." You get the idea. I looked really hot. And skinny.

Well, maybe it was the cold (what CAN'T I blame on shitty weather in Utah?) or maybe it was the fact that I felt like complete shit all night and all morning but I noticed after a few minutes that I only had one earring on. Yep. Just one. Can I say awesome just one more time? Awesome! I half expected to find that my shirt was on inside out but luckily it was that style where it sort of looks inside out normally so I got it right.

Currently I'm resisting the urge to go out and eat a double bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo. Maybe I could just do a bun with mayo? Yeah, not the same.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ease Back Brother


Yeah, that's how I feel today. I'm laughing because of many things most of which are related to the events of last night (and corresponding drama on the internets today).

I'm remembering the conversation I had with my roommate's boyfriend about how Obama would surely get the majority of the popular votes but IF he won the electoral votes it was sure to be a close call HAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because all the LDS women on my Facebook page have made comments about how bad the next 4 years are going to be (WHERE have you been the past 8 years???) and that they are sad and worried about our country HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because today at work a co-worker ordered lunch from a shitty restaraunt in honor of Obama's win and said if "anyone didn't like it to blame Pres. Bush" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because I commented to a good friend whom I've known for many many years that I was grateful to him for standing with unwavering support of Obama despite what those around him said about it and one of his acquaintances called me ignorant because of it HAHAHAHAHAHA. And I'm also laughing because his accusation infuriated me so much that I started to shake HAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing at every single person who is saying Obama is God's punishment to the world for killing babies and wanting to allow same sex marriage HAHAHAHAHAHA. Only Jesus himself can save us now! We will burn alive if we allow equal rights!

Oh, and I'm laughing because I'm truly such an ornery ass hole this week that I've nothing but bitch and moan (about things that truly do NOT matter) to someone who has been nothing but an absolute peach to me. Not a laugh because I think it's funny, though who doesn't laugh at some poor man who has to put up with an ornery ass PMSing woman, but because I KNOW it's pretty pathetic.....consider it more of a maniacal laughter.

Other things that make me laugh:

♥ Being told I need to replace my tires. Something about being bald
♥ Our power bill
♥ Southpark
♥ Dreams about foxes that can make popcorn
♥ Trick questions
♥ Ex's
♥ Co-workers
♥ Quitting second jobs
♥ My i-tunes play list when it will only play the songs I hate
♥ Not responding to emails
♥ Republicans
♥ Crying
♥ Laughing gas
♥ Eating peanut butter off of nipples

I'm sure there are more so this list is subject to continuous update. If you have anything that I've missed please comment.

Monday, November 3, 2008

NEW! A Bunch of Stuff!!!

Yeah you read it correctly! There is a bunch of NEW stuff I'm going to write about!!! It's super exciting! It will require a lot of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It may also require a seat belt (not provided) which will additionally require a signed liability statement by you, the reader, releasing Running Around for No Reason of any and all liability to injuries you may sustain while reading this blog. Please comment with your full name (including any aliases...just for the fun of it), bank account number (also for the fun of it?), & the email address of anyone you would like me to send SPAM to (totally serious). To see the Terms & Conditions go to this website and simply insert any line that is related to sky diving with something blog related.

Great!!!! Let's get started. Click Me!

I know! I'm sorry! But this blog is about me, first and foremost, and I had to see that today so therefore you must suffer as well. I hope it haunts your nightmares.

I don't want to give all my super NEW bunch of stuff away all in one blog but I will tell you that none of it is related to Tequila. *sigh* I know, I'm sorry. Due to a concerned friend who shall remain nameless (it's for your own good otherwise the blog masses will tar and feather your inbox because my Tequila posts are in high demand) I've decided to see what I can come up with that isn't joking about alcohol abuse; specifically my own, if not a bit over exaggerated, alcohol abuse . I explained to said person that blogging about drinking is like making movies about sells....but not to be catagorized amongst alcoholics I'm making an already weak attempt at change.

I suppose I could just start blogging about sex and watching movies about alcohol? Great idea!

Dear readers. Sex is awesome. Have some. Use protection. It should protect you except in cases of V@&in@ Dentata. That's right, I said it. Also, don't eat Cauliflower because it looks like genital warts. Thanks for reading!!!

*Dedicated to Mr. Angry Bears who I'm sure can appreciate a blog full of tasteful humor.


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