Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Terrible Awful No Good.....

Today at lunch I announced that I wanted to crawl in bed and never get up. "I don't want to deal with life" I proclaimed, but APPARENTLY wishing life to an abrupt halt doesn't mean it actually works like that. A not so Angry Bear tried to lift my spirits by offering to help. I, not so kindly, declined informing him that I did not wish to fix any of the problems I was overwhelmed with. That required acknowledging them don't you know. I simply wanted to have a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, maybe do something illegal and stay under a warm blanket, curled in the fetal position, for the rest of....well....forever. No amount of discussion was going to change my mind. By the end of lunch I reluctantly agreed to his assistance on a few items. Unfortunately those items couldn't be helping me into my eternal bed or enabling me to quit my jobs to be a bum on the side of the road.

December, in general, has been a terrible awful no good month and I don't like it very much at all. Normally I would drown my sorrows in a bottle of Tequila or cheap wine but December has taken that from me too. "December I hate you! You brought snow and destruction into my life and you do not have my forgiveness! All I want is some sunshine to dry my tears but I cannot even have that. December, you bastard."

Next week is Christmas and I think that I shall refuse to acknowledge it. Please, not so much as a whisper about this holiday in my direction if you like me at all. If the pleading isn't working I can only hope the threats will. What threats you ask? Lets keep it that way.....

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Pin A Rose

A few items that I would like to mention. Items that are very important and worth mentioning. Read: IMPORTANT ITEMS!!!!!!!!

The Girls Next Door is my sick secret pleasure. Any time I see this, "SUPER ALL NEW EPISODES!!!" attached to a preview of The Girls Next Door I get a funny feeling in my tummy. The feeling that says, "Mel, you are sick. Sick and twisted! You're not a 14 year old girl...or boy for that matter so WHY on earth do you like to watch 3 SUPER BIMBOS (I think it IS in fact a super power to be so dumb) bounce around in ugly Playboy, jewel encrusted mini tees?". To which I answer myself, "Because it makes you feel better about yourself to see dumb people and also you enjoy pondering how much money it would take to fake enjoyment during sex with a man that old and un-attractive read: BORING!". Last night they went The Kentucky Derby. Hugh is a classy guy so I just don't get why he would take them in public?!?!?!?!?! His number one girlfriend decorated her hat with My Little Ponies. Need I say more? Another gave us this little diddy, "I mean, why would they make the official drink of The Kentucky Derby a mint julep? Why wouldn't it be.....*pause*.....a Corona or something?" blank stares all around. These are all the reasons I love it.

Item # 2: When I drive to work every morning there is a sign that says, "Know Carly". Actually, it is a sign for mammograms and it says "Know Early" but from a far distance and usually being without coffee in my belly at this point I always see, "Know Carly", who happens to be my friend, and it throws me through a loop every damn time. "I KNOW Carly! For the love of Zeus please stop telling me to know her. And if you mean know in the way a man might "know" his wife I want to say that I don't swing that way. Ok only when I'm really drunk, and never past 1st baseish". Perhaps it is a sign that I should suggest that Carly get a mammogram. Something to think about.

Item # 3: The worst ice cream moment I've ever had was at Denny's. It was a long time ago, so long I don't remember how old I was even! I know I was with my dad and I know I couldn't drive nor could I pay for my own food. It was also late at night but that is beside the point; the point that I'm still unsure of. I ordered a bowl of chocolate ice cream, which is really strange because I don't really like chocolate ice cream. It reminds me of messy children with chocolate rings around their mouth. Or maybe I don't like it NOW because of this incident....hmmm. Anyway, the waitress brought me chocolate ice cream with MARSHMALLOWS in it. I ate one bite and almost burst into tears. I dislike marshmallows in my ice cream. They have a funny texture.

Okay, now that you've read OMGIMPORTANTTHINGSIMUSTKNOW you can continue on with your regularly scheduled programs; Read: looking at porn; you sickos!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Can Feel the Peace Permeate the Air

Where have YOU been?!? That would be my response if anyone wondered why me and my wonderful blogging self hasn't delivered the usual bloggish hilarity this past week.

First of all, if you didn't know or if you are not from the United States of America (doubtful since my readership consists of my sister, all my friends (3 people)...and me) last Thursday was Thanksfornothinggiving and I was not at work for 5 whole days. Yep, real whole days...and one half.

My Thanksfornothinggiving was just the same as all the other obnoxious dinners had at the Parental's home. We sat at the table and yelled loudly to out speak each other, after a toast to our beloved Uncle who passed away this year, and when we were done I took a nap..... The kids built forts out of toys that took up the entire living room. I sat in the dark with my sister and had a Thanksfornothinggiving celebratory smoke. Celebratory because I made it through one more Thanks for NOTHING year.

My ungratefulness is despicable, I realize this. It isn't that I'm not grateful for the beautiful things in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I had a long chat with Baby Jesus that night letting him know how happy I am for all the goodness that he has graced my existence with. It's just that holidays remind me of the past which I prefer to keep in THE PAST. They remind me of my many failures and I'm still trying to keep up the facade that I am AWESOME and have never failed at anything. It's a hard image to keep up when I generally fail at everything. I totally failed life this year and I wouldn't care to celebrate it.

Secondly (don't forget I'm giving you reasons for being absent last week) I have been working. Yeah, I'm a worker. I love it! It's awesome. Almost as awesome as me. I miss lists so I'm going to make a short list about all the AWESOME things that come with working 2 jobs.

Come back soon!!! kthanksloveyoubye


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