Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Terrible Awful No Good.....

Today at lunch I announced that I wanted to crawl in bed and never get up. "I don't want to deal with life" I proclaimed, but APPARENTLY wishing life to an abrupt halt doesn't mean it actually works like that. A not so Angry Bear tried to lift my spirits by offering to help. I, not so kindly, declined informing him that I did not wish to fix any of the problems I was overwhelmed with. That required acknowledging them don't you know. I simply wanted to have a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, maybe do something illegal and stay under a warm blanket, curled in the fetal position, for the rest of....well....forever. No amount of discussion was going to change my mind. By the end of lunch I reluctantly agreed to his assistance on a few items. Unfortunately those items couldn't be helping me into my eternal bed or enabling me to quit my jobs to be a bum on the side of the road.

December, in general, has been a terrible awful no good month and I don't like it very much at all. Normally I would drown my sorrows in a bottle of Tequila or cheap wine but December has taken that from me too. "December I hate you! You brought snow and destruction into my life and you do not have my forgiveness! All I want is some sunshine to dry my tears but I cannot even have that. December, you bastard."

Next week is Christmas and I think that I shall refuse to acknowledge it. Please, not so much as a whisper about this holiday in my direction if you like me at all. If the pleading isn't working I can only hope the threats will. What threats you ask? Lets keep it that way.....

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Pin A Rose

A few items that I would like to mention. Items that are very important and worth mentioning. Read: IMPORTANT ITEMS!!!!!!!!

The Girls Next Door is my sick secret pleasure. Any time I see this, "SUPER ALL NEW EPISODES!!!" attached to a preview of The Girls Next Door I get a funny feeling in my tummy. The feeling that says, "Mel, you are sick. Sick and twisted! You're not a 14 year old girl...or boy for that matter so WHY on earth do you like to watch 3 SUPER BIMBOS (I think it IS in fact a super power to be so dumb) bounce around in ugly Playboy, jewel encrusted mini tees?". To which I answer myself, "Because it makes you feel better about yourself to see dumb people and also you enjoy pondering how much money it would take to fake enjoyment during sex with a man that old and un-attractive read: BORING!". Last night they went The Kentucky Derby. Hugh is a classy guy so I just don't get why he would take them in public?!?!?!?!?! His number one girlfriend decorated her hat with My Little Ponies. Need I say more? Another gave us this little diddy, "I mean, why would they make the official drink of The Kentucky Derby a mint julep? Why wouldn't it be.....*pause*.....a Corona or something?" blank stares all around. These are all the reasons I love it.

Item # 2: When I drive to work every morning there is a sign that says, "Know Carly". Actually, it is a sign for mammograms and it says "Know Early" but from a far distance and usually being without coffee in my belly at this point I always see, "Know Carly", who happens to be my friend, and it throws me through a loop every damn time. "I KNOW Carly! For the love of Zeus please stop telling me to know her. And if you mean know in the way a man might "know" his wife I want to say that I don't swing that way. Ok only when I'm really drunk, and never past 1st baseish". Perhaps it is a sign that I should suggest that Carly get a mammogram. Something to think about.

Item # 3: The worst ice cream moment I've ever had was at Denny's. It was a long time ago, so long I don't remember how old I was even! I know I was with my dad and I know I couldn't drive nor could I pay for my own food. It was also late at night but that is beside the point; the point that I'm still unsure of. I ordered a bowl of chocolate ice cream, which is really strange because I don't really like chocolate ice cream. It reminds me of messy children with chocolate rings around their mouth. Or maybe I don't like it NOW because of this incident....hmmm. Anyway, the waitress brought me chocolate ice cream with MARSHMALLOWS in it. I ate one bite and almost burst into tears. I dislike marshmallows in my ice cream. They have a funny texture.

Okay, now that you've read OMGIMPORTANTTHINGSIMUSTKNOW you can continue on with your regularly scheduled programs; Read: looking at porn; you sickos!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Can Feel the Peace Permeate the Air

Where have YOU been?!? That would be my response if anyone wondered why me and my wonderful blogging self hasn't delivered the usual bloggish hilarity this past week.

First of all, if you didn't know or if you are not from the United States of America (doubtful since my readership consists of my sister, all my friends (3 people)...and me) last Thursday was Thanksfornothinggiving and I was not at work for 5 whole days. Yep, real whole days...and one half.

My Thanksfornothinggiving was just the same as all the other obnoxious dinners had at the Parental's home. We sat at the table and yelled loudly to out speak each other, after a toast to our beloved Uncle who passed away this year, and when we were done I took a nap..... The kids built forts out of toys that took up the entire living room. I sat in the dark with my sister and had a Thanksfornothinggiving celebratory smoke. Celebratory because I made it through one more Thanks for NOTHING year.

My ungratefulness is despicable, I realize this. It isn't that I'm not grateful for the beautiful things in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I had a long chat with Baby Jesus that night letting him know how happy I am for all the goodness that he has graced my existence with. It's just that holidays remind me of the past which I prefer to keep in THE PAST. They remind me of my many failures and I'm still trying to keep up the facade that I am AWESOME and have never failed at anything. It's a hard image to keep up when I generally fail at everything. I totally failed life this year and I wouldn't care to celebrate it.

Secondly (don't forget I'm giving you reasons for being absent last week) I have been working. Yeah, I'm a worker. I love it! It's awesome. Almost as awesome as me. I miss lists so I'm going to make a short list about all the AWESOME things that come with working 2 jobs.

Come back soon!!! kthanksloveyoubye

Monday, November 24, 2008

My Whole Life is Just Change Falling Out of My Pockets

Sunday morning I woke up with a plan. A good one. Blogging about it includes a lot of back(forward?)slashes and I'm excited for it/them. The world SLASH is awesome and so every time you see this,/, you MUST say "slash" in your head. Or out loud, whichever is preferable to your blog reading style.

This weekend I was going to pray to my heathen God that Sunday would be fantastically beautiful, as it has been all week (alas my "knees"/weather update sources were incorrect in their expectation of snow and cold and misery), and I could drag Mr. Bear up the canyon for the hike/walk I've been wanting/needing.

Pray/Praying/Prayed. IT WORKED!!! Apparently I've confirmed that there is such a thing as a heathen God/God of Heathens and Sunday was BEAUTIFUL!!! And by beautiful I mean incredible/everything I could possibly ask for on a Sunday in November in the cold infested state of Utah/All that is Miserable. Mr. Bear and I got up and headed for coffee right after showers and WoW time HAHAHAHAH (sorry) as I cannot function without it. Example (give or take some words for blogness compatibility):

Mr. Bear: What would you like for breakfast?
Me: Coffee
Mr. Bear: And?
Me: Toast?
Mr. Bear: We'd have to sit somewhere to get coffee AND toast.
Me: Ok, just coffee.
Mr. Bear: *looking up some place with breakfast type food that is not as complicated as sit down with a waitress restaurants*
Me: It's Sunday. I don't think they even have coffee.
Me in my own head: Food? What is food? Where is my coffee? What day is it? Where am I? Who is this man talking about ingesting a meal before I am caffeinated? Do normal people require a substance OTHER THAN caffeine in the morning? Weird. MUST.HAVE.COFFEE.

We drove what felt like hours to the nearest Starfucks so I could function properly and fueled up. Lucky for Mr. Bear they serve somewhat edible bagels (note: SOMEWHAT if you like dry bagels, which I do as long as I have coffee) and it didn't require a waitress. He ate in 2 minutes. I ate in 20. It was delightful and he needs to learn how to eat at a normal human/Melissa is slow pace.

Our walk up the the canyon was so lovely and I want to do it all over again every single day/once a week. We also saw a dead body/homeless kid dead/sleeping in a body bag/sleeping bag on the way back to the car. Some people thought that was really hilarious.

Mr. Bear: I hate when change falls out of my pockets and beneath my seat where I will never see it again.
Me: My whole life is just change falling out of my pockets.
Mr. Bear: Wow! That was really deep. *smirk* (possibly imagined the smirk but it's doubtful)
Me: No, I mean literally. I'm always dropping change everywhere.
Mr. Bear: But the DOUBLE meaning. That really was deep! You should blog about that! It would make a great blog!

So here I am, change falling out of my pockets and all, take that as you will/in a very deep way. Next time you drop some change and swear out loud/in your head because it has been lost to the underneath of your seat I hope you think of us. I will advise you not to pay $60.00 for a car detail just to find at least that much hiding beneath you. Just sayin.

*Some convo is not word for word. I can barely remember my name each morning (especially before coffee) let alone full word for word conversations. BUT it is essentially the same and this is the only time I will ever clarify this lapse in actuality. It ruins the blogness of my blog and all that which is funny/blogish.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Еб тваю мать...в банкe

This morning as I rushed out the door (rushing because I have been in the bad habit of obsessing over my chubby ass in the mirror before deciding what to wear each morning) I realized that I had a couple of necessary errands that needed to be taken care of before I started my day. Adding errands to an already frazzled, distant, sidetracked Melissa? Interesting.

Sometimes when I drive I realize how TOTALLY unorganized I can be. Why don't I wait to walk out the door until my coat is on....or, you know, everything is at least in my purse. Instead I leave the house with one arm in my coat, my scarf half tied, phone, keys, hair pins, breakfast and most of the contents of my purse IN MY HANDS! Not in my purse, where they belong. So what I'm saying is it is quite a sight to watch me walk to my car some mornings. This is usually followed by a drive where I try to remember what it was that morning I told myself I needed to remember. Then it becomes a struggle to even remember if there was ANYTHING I needed to remember at all. Perhaps it was yesterday I had things to remember...and if that is the case I definitely didn't even remember to remember it let alone remember it a day later.

What I'm trying to say, lest I get side tracked (SHINY OBJECTS!!!) & forget, is that sometimes, er MOST of the time, I'm a headcase who can't remember shit and to be honest I don't try that hard to rectify the problem. Now I'm going to tell you a very short story to sum up my morning: Wait for it......BAM

Notice something missing from this picture?

If this was my bank I visited this morning...and that was my banking tube I picked up my transaction through...then the actual container the following customer might need to complete THEIR transaction would be in my back seat. Yep. I noticed when I got to work and have yet to return it. Just another moment when I think to myself, "Is this a sign that I'm going a little crazy?", to which I answer, "Yes, yes it is", TO MYSELF!

Note: If you can't read Russian, and that is perhaps a good thing, I will tell you that I don't think my title is at all appropriate for repeating. It could say chicken fucker and I would have no idea. But that would be cool if it did.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tirer de Sommeil

I had big plans. Lots to do. All the time in the world. Sparkling fresh bathrooms were in my future and I couldn't wait.

It must have been close to 2AM when I woke up on the front room couch, television repeating the Daily Show probably for the 3rd time that night. I ate 4 pieces of Tuna on toast, 2 beers, and a tootsie roll. Good to know I can keep up with myself. I guess secretly when I was making great plans to clean and do my laundry I really knew I just wanted to sleep all night in an apartment with no roommates (traveling). It doesn't happen every day you know.

In between naps last night I think I came up with some brilliant ideas about life. Oh man, I had it all figured out. Beer and toast will do that to a person. True enlightenment. Unfortunately by the time I woke up in the morning I couldn't remember what the questions were to begin with. Must not have been that great.

I guess it's good to know that there is nothing so major in my life that I worry about it for too long....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Tweet & Tweeted & YetAnotherListOMGWTF

My most recent Tweet: this day is awesome. people are awesome. i am super in love with this shitty ass day/week. awesome.

It isn't that everything this week has been shitty. Thank you to the following for being the kind of awesome that is happy and not shitty:

♥ Gin & Tonic
♥ Tequila shots
♥ Xanax scrip refills
♥ hilarity during dinner
♥ fancy dresses
♥ good sleep
♥ good work out sessions
♥ the release of the most awesome game ever EVAH; WoW! OMG I love that game! Totally powering up right now (is that even possible? you know who you are...)
♥ being served alcohol somewhat illegally
♥ stupid people
♥ drunken....conversation
♥ Mr. Bear for accompanying, providing, enjoying all of the above with/for me

As for the bull shit that makes everything so awesome, well. yeah. I'll kill a bitch. And anyone that ever makes me cry again. And your mom. Kidding, I won't kill your mom but if you do it and you need an alibi I can totally provide. Or maybe I won't and this is all a set up (by your mom)? *insert mysterious music here* also *waving my hands in a mysterious manner*.

I will say that, regardless of my badassness, matters of the heart are never easy. Also....if you give something up don't try and make it feel bad for moving on. Not cool yo. A second also; if the something you gave up was, say, an M&M that you didn't like, you can't just have it back. Trying to convince someone to give it back is super gross anyway, and kind of pointless. I think I just compared myself to a regurgitated M&M? If that is the case I'd like to be the one with Peanut Butter in the middle. k thanks bye.

*edit: If you are reading this out loud please remember to verbalize all parenthetic indicators. It makes the whole thing so much more....awesome.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Buy Lists Wholesale

Too much anxiety. Must consume Xanax. It would also be nice if I could do all or any or perhaps just one of the following:

♥ Take a full week off of work from the Big Green
♥ Not live in a state where I freeze my ass off when I walk out the door
♥ Be normal
♥ Do something illegal....I have something in mind
♥ Ignore all of my calls and the incessant questions that follow
♥ Plant a tree that grows money
♥ Plant money and grow a tree (a regular one) which would subsequently make me a lot of money because, HELLO, money can't grow a tree!
♥ Have a lot of....er
♥ Lose pounds that I will not specify...without giving up peanut butter
♥ Hit something (not someone)
♥ Lay in the middle of a perfectly square field of perfectly green grass and stare up at the sky. For hours.
♥ Cry
♥ Listen to the rain in the dark without talking
♥ Run away to Ireland
♥ Work on a new project (p.s. I'm really good at finishing furniture....like, really good)
♥ Drink wine &/or Gin & Tonics (the official drink of this winter perhaps?)
♥ Write an AWESOME fan letter to Geof from Ace of Cakes. He's really quirky this season, yowza!
♥ Stop obsessing about lists (they aren't funny! and I don't get paid to be boring...also, your monthly subscription fee is late, ahem)
♥ Throw water balloons at stupid people who are in line for Twilight.
♥ Go to Twilight and talk loudly throughout the entire movie about how stupid it is.
♥ Wander around the book store
♥ Yell without feeling guilty

I think this is it....for now. Too much to ask for? I think not. Actually making the list itself made me feel really good. Not really. But kind of. I should add, "Make lists" but then I would have already done at least one thing from the list and I should feel better. And, well, that just isn't how this is supposed to work.

On second thought.....I just need to do one thing to feel better.

Buy new jeans.

Can I say the fuck word now? Because that isn't happening any time soon. The jeans I mean; I say fuck a lot. I guess I had better start composing that fan letter to Geof.

Also, I'm going to grovel as a pathetic attempt to get my old second job back. One might wonder why I ever quit. Well I'll tell you. It's because I'm a stubborn ass who can't admit when she is in the wrong. Can you blame me though? I'm really never wrong so obviously it took my by surprise! Come to think of it this is going to be much more difficult than I realize because I was totally not wrong.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Drinking Around for No Reason

The funniest caption blog ever!

In other news: I'm alone this weekend and plan to celebrate** by consuming enough Tequila to give me a hangover Sunday morning, which will be A LOT of Tequila. Below I've created a list of all the reasons I am drinking this weekend. Making a list is the only good way to stay productive and I would hate to be an un-productive drunk! Each item is punctuated with an exclamation mark because it is A)awesome! & B)Annoying to a lot of people that I probably don't like! (kind of like when I use CAPS all the time, YES!) Side notes are in parenthesis though I wish I could insert some sort of roll over note pop out...hmmmm....

♥ Obama won!
♥ My dad will condone it, which makes it ok, because he said this when I asked what he was doing this weekend, "drinking heavily. woo hoo"!
♥ I'm celebrating being the best person I know at drinking Tequila!
I have a lot of other things I should be doing I have nothing better to do!
♥ I made it through the week!
♥ It's my un-birthday!
♥ Celebrating not being pregnant, impressive!
♥ Celebrating my friends not being pregnant! (one shot for every friend who is baby free...word.)
♥ Your mom!
* ♥ I drank responsibly like TWO TIMES this week. Really impressive!
♥ I still don't have a second job! (this item shouldn't have an exclamation mark because it is really stressing me out but I made a commitment and dammit if I won't follow through)
♥ Just because! (this is the most important reason really. If you can't drink "just because" then what's the point?! Perhaps I should change my blog to "Drinking Around for No Reason". That makes me laugh)

Hence ends my attempt to avoid Tequila related posts. For today anyway. Talking about one earring just doesn't cut it.

*As great as it is to explore the life of a responsible, social drinker it just isn't me and one has to be true to their heart. No? I KID! I love being responsible.......er

**Not to celebrate being alone....celebrate the weekend.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Ways to Improve Sexiness

After being at work for a couple hours this morning I made my way to the ladies room so I could throw on some make-up for the day. One might think that this was a step you take BEFORE getting to work but no not in my world. Coming prepared is what I call overrated. I had a great conversation with myself while standing in front of the mirror, it went something like this. "Awesome. You look really awesome. I'm not sure what you call this....thing....you've got going on with your hair but 80's Madonna would be really proud. Did I read somewhere that dark eye bags are all the rage in Europe? If so I'm in the wrong damn country. Might be a good idea to skip lunch...hmmmm actually on second thought it might be a good idea to skip all the creamer in my coffee. Wait, did I just say that? Awesome, never gonna happen." You get the idea. I looked really hot. And skinny.

Well, maybe it was the cold (what CAN'T I blame on shitty weather in Utah?) or maybe it was the fact that I felt like complete shit all night and all morning but I noticed after a few minutes that I only had one earring on. Yep. Just one. Can I say awesome just one more time? Awesome! I half expected to find that my shirt was on inside out but luckily it was that style where it sort of looks inside out normally so I got it right.

Currently I'm resisting the urge to go out and eat a double bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo. Maybe I could just do a bun with mayo? Yeah, not the same.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ease Back Brother


Yeah, that's how I feel today. I'm laughing because of many things most of which are related to the events of last night (and corresponding drama on the internets today).

I'm remembering the conversation I had with my roommate's boyfriend about how Obama would surely get the majority of the popular votes but IF he won the electoral votes it was sure to be a close call HAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because all the LDS women on my Facebook page have made comments about how bad the next 4 years are going to be (WHERE have you been the past 8 years???) and that they are sad and worried about our country HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because today at work a co-worker ordered lunch from a shitty restaraunt in honor of Obama's win and said if "anyone didn't like it to blame Pres. Bush" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because I commented to a good friend whom I've known for many many years that I was grateful to him for standing with unwavering support of Obama despite what those around him said about it and one of his acquaintances called me ignorant because of it HAHAHAHAHAHA. And I'm also laughing because his accusation infuriated me so much that I started to shake HAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing at every single person who is saying Obama is God's punishment to the world for killing babies and wanting to allow same sex marriage HAHAHAHAHAHA. Only Jesus himself can save us now! We will burn alive if we allow equal rights!

Oh, and I'm laughing because I'm truly such an ornery ass hole this week that I've nothing but bitch and moan (about things that truly do NOT matter) to someone who has been nothing but an absolute peach to me. Not a laugh because I think it's funny, though who doesn't laugh at some poor man who has to put up with an ornery ass PMSing woman, but because I KNOW it's pretty pathetic.....consider it more of a maniacal laughter.

Other things that make me laugh:

♥ Being told I need to replace my tires. Something about being bald
♥ Our power bill
♥ Southpark
♥ Dreams about foxes that can make popcorn
♥ Trick questions
♥ Ex's
♥ Co-workers
♥ Quitting second jobs
♥ My i-tunes play list when it will only play the songs I hate
♥ Not responding to emails
♥ Republicans
♥ Crying
♥ Laughing gas
♥ Eating peanut butter off of nipples

I'm sure there are more so this list is subject to continuous update. If you have anything that I've missed please comment.

Monday, November 3, 2008

NEW! A Bunch of Stuff!!!

Yeah you read it correctly! There is a bunch of NEW stuff I'm going to write about!!! It's super exciting! It will require a lot of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It may also require a seat belt (not provided) which will additionally require a signed liability statement by you, the reader, releasing Running Around for No Reason of any and all liability to injuries you may sustain while reading this blog. Please comment with your full name (including any aliases...just for the fun of it), bank account number (also for the fun of it?), & the email address of anyone you would like me to send SPAM to (totally serious). To see the Terms & Conditions go to this website and simply insert any line that is related to sky diving with something blog related.

Great!!!! Let's get started. Click Me!

I know! I'm sorry! But this blog is about me, first and foremost, and I had to see that today so therefore you must suffer as well. I hope it haunts your nightmares.

I don't want to give all my super NEW bunch of stuff away all in one blog but I will tell you that none of it is related to Tequila. *sigh* I know, I'm sorry. Due to a concerned friend who shall remain nameless (it's for your own good otherwise the blog masses will tar and feather your inbox because my Tequila posts are in high demand) I've decided to see what I can come up with that isn't joking about alcohol abuse; specifically my own, if not a bit over exaggerated, alcohol abuse . I explained to said person that blogging about drinking is like making movies about sex...it sells....but not to be catagorized amongst alcoholics I'm making an already weak attempt at change.

I suppose I could just start blogging about sex and watching movies about alcohol? Great idea!

Dear readers. Sex is awesome. Have some. Use protection. It should protect you except in cases of V@&in@ Dentata. That's right, I said it. Also, don't eat Cauliflower because it looks like genital warts. Thanks for reading!!!

*Dedicated to Mr. Angry Bears who I'm sure can appreciate a blog full of tasteful humor.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Usage Problem

I went to this really awesome bar in Spanish Fork (I know right!!!) and I wonder why Orem can't have a nice bar like that. They have pints of PBR for $1.00 Monday-Wednesday and right now they have Wasatch Pumpkin Ale on tap. Yum! Last year someone I know *ahem* Emilix *ahem* wasn't a huge fan of it (it being Pumpkin Ale)....but mayhap she has changed her mind and would like to join a group of us down there this coming Tuesday. Not sure she wants to go anywhere with me after this last weekend (do we really look like sisters? awesome ha)...I'm an obnoxious drunk when I'm upset APPARENTLY...but she should seriously consider it. I'll be so much better this time.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Eye Candy

I was browsing his highness, Teh World Wide Webs, and I stopped by my favorite "I'll never own anything from you but I love you anyway" Etsy shop when a vision stopped me in my clicking tracks....behold (you have to click on the link to do the beholding). Seriously...I've never wanted something so much in my entire whole lifetime! ARGHAGHADKLFJGOIJDF It is meant to be and I MUST have it. It's likely I can justify buying it for Christmas (someone has to buy me something and, since I'm officially going to be the most single this year that I've ever been since right after my divorce, so it is going to have to be myself) it's just a matter of waiting and clicking to make sure it doesn't go anywhere. I really love the design on it, honestly I covet all of her work, but as soon as I saw the name I knew it was made just for me.

*sigh* *swoon*

*Edit: I said entire whole lifetime...which is backasswards from how I intended it, but on second thought I prefer it that way so it stays.......

Thursday, October 2, 2008

One Liner

Message from mom: "Missing you!"

I wish that she didn't have ulcers because that means she can't drink with me!

Speaking of drinks...I came to the conclusion that the reason things are so hard to cope with this week is due to lack of Tequila. Tequila really asks for company and because I haven't been out much in the last couple of weeks I just haven't had it around me. Well, tonight that will change. I should have known that the cheer me up I needed came in the form of a delicious gold liquid! I realize that all of my ramblings about alcoholic substances make me seem a little bit of an, oh I don't know, ALCOHOLIC but I promise that I'm not. I just drink it on a regular basis to make my problems go away.....hmmmm....probably shouldn't have said that.

To plead my case I will now list all the other things I do on a regular basis to make myself feel better. In no particular order:

♥ Eat peanut butter in bed
♥ Eat ice cream from the carton (sometimes in, but not limited to, my bed)
♥ Cry excessively
♥ Yell the fuck word at old people driving down the road really slowly
♥ Listen to Michael Bolton love songs
♥ Write sob worthy Tweets and then erase them*
♥ Watch re-runs of Ace of Cakes(and crush on Geof because A)I like men with that name and B) I think he's sexy in that goofy sort of way. Yum to cakes and sexy/goofy men)
♥ NOT wear my seat belt (take that! Ooooo such a rebel)

NONE of these things are good for me but do you see people urging me to attend an "I love Michael Bolton when I'm depressed" support group? No, no you don't. And you know what, I'm WAY less ashamed of drinking Tequila (and not even to excess) than I am of admitting my taste in sob induced tunes. That's right, I said it! I think if Jesus was standing right next to me on these particularly bad nights he'd raise a glass too....then again, I suppose saying things like this is the reason my dad's religious fanatic sister thinks I'm going to hell. Dude, Jesus is for lovers! Michael Bolton is too, so take that. They're my posse, yo.

*If you don't know what a Tweet is then get thee to Twitter!!!

I think this is all for today. I still want the week to end but at least I have something to look forward to; Friday night my darling niece will be coming to have a sleepover with me! We'll be doing dinner, either making it together or going out to a fancy restaurant, and will likely end up watching my original Care Bear DVD episodes with some popcorn. I wish I could bring my nephew too but he's a bit too wild for girls night.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Purse Presents

After the most horrible awful no good Monday ever (aside from much needed alcohol and the hilarity which is girls night) I am anxious to have this whole week over and done with. Safe to say it will be a long one. The Gods must have known that I needed something special to help me today because I just opened up my purse and found a stray Peanut Butter M&M!!! Yes, I did eat it. My purse is clean inside! Well, maybe it isn't and, frankly my dears, I just don't give a sweet shit.

Somehow that made all the ALLNESS that was my Monday, and the lingering emotions that have rolled into my Tuesday, much tastier. Now I can't say that EVERYTHING this week sucked. "Well, my sister got picked up for shoplifting, my "best friends" can't tell me the truth about anything (apparently I'm just a shitty person that can't handle the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!) so they A)Make shit up and think I'm too stupid to know that they are lying or B)Just don't tell me and let me find out from someone else then apologize for me finding out that way, I'm a wreck and haven't had a single functioning relationship since my divorce (I guess by using the word divorce I'm admitting that I've never ACTUALLY had a functioning relationship) but I continue to devote my heart to people who don't really want it which results in tearful breakdowns on a frequent basis, I'm so stressed that I can't sleep, AND I'm on my period so I feel like shit BUT BUT BUT I found an M&M in my purse so take that mother truckers. You're jealous, I can tell, as you should be."

Right now things (ie: my life) are pretty laughable but that doesn't mean one can't find pure enjoyment in the simple things of life. Yeah, I do what I can.....

Friday, September 26, 2008

If You've Been Wondering About My Political Ideas...

You are a

Social Liberal
(81% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(21% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid.com: Free Online Dating
Also : The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Are people truly so hateful? Am I one of them? I don't understand how we can be happy if we refuse to release the hate. Can we ever be happy if we wish pain and suffering for others?

This has really made me think about my life and the bad energy that I expel. I don't want to be miserable over things that are done. I don't want my past to haunt me. There is beauty here in this strange and difficult life and I want to absorb it all. I strive to see beauty in everyone and while it isn't easy I still try. I'm sorry for all of us who have been hurt by another. My heart aches for everyone who has been through or is going through pain and I wish I could reach out and hold them all. But....my heart breaks even more for those of us who refuse to heal. The more hatred we put out into the universe, no matter how well deserved it may be, the more hatred will be returned to us. Hate is an ugly sick being. I know because I am still working to let mine go; sometimes we just don't know how.

My hate does not make me happy. I do not hate with pride or pleasure. I hate with tears. I hate with regret. I hate with so much pain and I'm so afraid that I will never be free from it. I do not find an ounce of beauty in those emotions and I am truly ashamed of them. I know that my hate makes me weak and I cannot live my life knowing that I was the one who could not follow the murmurings in my heart and learn to move beyond it all. My entire being has suffered long enough and I am ready to be rid of the guilt my hatred has burdened me with.

Today I will forgive. I will never ever write another word of hate towards a person or people who have hurt me. Today I will be the woman I know I am capable of being. Today I will act as I wish all others could act. I will be humble and forgiving. I will be kind and accepting. I will not judge. I will not find beauty in others hate. I will not. I cannot. I will be better because of this; I will heal, and my life will never, ever be the same.

Monday, September 15, 2008

When Life Gives You Lemons....

Have you ever had such a crisis in your life that it caused you to do crazy things? OH perfect example: You had a meltdown because you and your boyfriend got in a fight and the next night you were going to dinner with a previous man friend and then ACCIDENTALLY made out with him thus envoking a serious of emotions, happy and sad, that you didn't wish to stir up.

This weekend was a lot like that kind of a situation; kind of but not really because I don't even have a boyfriend. Also, I'm not really claiming I made out with someone but you get what I'm trying to say right? I'm in a crisis. I made a fake profile on a dating site because destiny demanded it of me and the hilarity was too great to pass up this opportunity. Carlix and I are going to speed dating on October 1st. It is going to be awesomely hilarious. I went to The Bayou and saw 2 different people I know. Apparently the world is shrinking!!! I also played pool and I still suck but once or twice I made it right in the hole and I'm not lying when I say that I totally turned myself on! Mad skillz yo.

My crisis? Well, it is just a regular crisis. Oh noes I don't know what I want so THE BEST THING TO DO IS DRINK TEQUILA!!! Tequila is my lover. Tequila lifts me up when I'm down. Tequila is the other man. Tequila, the other OTHER white meat; well, that one didn't work very well I guess so I'll end it there. I will say that due to tequila our dinner bill was $47.00 when I only ordered a $4.00 meal. Soooooo...there's that.

I'm working through this crisis and attempting to refrain from sending a long emotional email. It's not worth it and judging from previous experiences it will get me all of no where. Perhaps it will just give cause to drink and then we will drink rather than have the conversation that I've been wanting. Maybe I'll get another alcohol induced proclamation of love. *whee*

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

True Love in A Bottle

Last night I went over to a friend's house after work and upon my arrival he asked if he could get me anything. He proceeded to list a number of items in his kitchen that were to my liking. Being the gracious guest that I am I accepted his offer of a drink and said that I would mix something up for myself and make him one as well. You can imagine my delight when I opened the freezer to see this little lovely staring back at me....(see image)

It was as if he crawled right into my head and produced all the goodness I could have ever hoped for that night, or any night for that matter. We all need more friends who can read our minds. It helps when these friends have heard you declare your love for Tequila many MANY time over (in the last week especially).

I must add that this is the same friend that Tivo'd beach volleyball for me during the Olympics. You can see now why I let him hang out with me. No, it isn't for his awesome Guitar Hero skillz, sorry.

Flickr photo from lensbs

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Why Couldn't I Have Been Born Witty?

I DON’T EVEN BLOG ABOUT ANYTHING REAL!!!!!!!! I know this...deal with it.

But it all comes down to having nothing to blog about. You want to know what’s in my head today? Okay hurry up! Good luck making sense of it.

All through this long weekend I’ve wondered what it is about relationships that is so wonderfully endearing that SUCKS SO MUCH ASS!!!

And after coming up with the answer I moved on to greater questions, like why can’t the rain and John Mayer sound so wonderful without a smoke? Or perhaps a few.

Also, why, when I make my coffee the same every morning (I measure the damn scoops!) does it taste good one day and bad the next then merely mediocre after that? It’s the endless search for the most delicious cup of coffee and I want to pull my hair out trying to figure it out. Coffee just isn’t one of those things that can taste the same day to day. The nice thing about attempting the perfect cup is the delicious anticipation it brings each morning. Only to drink it and have it suck. I don’t know about you but a bad cup of coffee WILL ruin my day. My answer to this is to stop using cream and sugar but, God, it’s like CRACK! (must be said out loud just how I’ve written it) and I want to use a little of every flavor I find on the shelf at least once. I’m telling you that the Cinnabun flavor was my eternal companion until I discovered Tiramisu. I’m torn between shame (it isn’t REAL coffee with flavored creamer in it) and the desire to shout my love of flavored creamer to the world.

I really can’t even count the number of times this weekend I’ve said these exact words, “It’s the Tequila. I really love Tequila”. I really do love Tequila and if you’d like to seduce me one night then I suggest you show up with a bottle of 1800 and a book that gives you 101 ways to get a drunk passed out chick to make out with you…without throwing up first.

I have a short list of reasons why one should never date men who are in their 30’s. Here it is:
♥ They are stupid

I also have a short list of why one (me) should never date (read: discontinue dating) men who are religiously confused.

♥ They are stupid

I’ve ALSO compiled a brief, yet very poignant, list of why one (once again, moi) should never date….

♥ They are stupid

I know. You’re moved. I can’t help it.

This answer also works for, “Why you should never read my blogs”, or perhaps, “Why you should always read my blogs”. Pick at random if you wish.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My bangs, that I love, are falling in my face, which I don't love.

Must.Eat.Hot.Pocket. HOT POCKET!!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Baby Making

It's always a dilemma for you when you meet someone who is good with language and also able to make you laugh. You can enjoy your time with such a person, but the conversations may leave you feeling empty. You want more depth, intensity and passion. Ask, and don't take no for an answer.

Today at lunch we started talking about getting married and somehow it lead to talking about having a baby. “So are you? Desperate to have a baby right now?”. I thought about it and this was/is my answer (though this is a bit more in depth).

No. When I was married the thought of starting a family was all consuming. It was the driving force behind every effort I made in my marriage. It was all I knew. You grew up, got married and had a family. After the big D word I was so afraid I would never have a baby and some sad events that next year made me incredibly lonely for the baby I was sure I would never have (at this time I told my mom that if I wasn’t married by 27 I’d get a sperm donor). Now though, now I have no desire to bring a child into this world. Not now. Why? What could I possibly offer this littler person? Every day would be a struggle for us. I wouldn’t be able to give them a life worth having, not alone.

The conversation ended quickly at that as our lunch was officially over but I wonder what any of those words meant. Does it mean I have lost faith that I would be a good caregiver regardless of the circumstances? Does it mean that I’ve become too selfish? Does it mean that I have begun to think the only way to have a family is the traditional marriage then baby sense (if that was ever the case you should shoot me, because I would never feel that way while sane)?

I don’t really have an end to this because I don’t know the answers to my own questions. Instead of continuing to get lost in these thoughts I am off to a dirty bar for beers and friends and laughter. We won’t talk about the babies we don’t have yet. Or, in my case, the past years of endlessly failing relationships (actually we should make that singular, relationship). We won’t talk about those things because it does no good. Instead, we drink.

Goodbye and goodnight my dears.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


It's a painful mix of anger and sadness. Sanger perhaps? Also frustration, so, Sangstration? Which could also be the way you die of a relationship. Like, "I've analyzed the body and found that, due to a relationship, Melissa has died from sangstration." Or perhaps, "Here lies Melissa, she dated a man for a couple years and eventually died of sangstration. That's what you get, I hope you learn from this rather than the hard way as she did. We know she's resting in peace because....well, she's dead". Hmmm....something to think about. Can I get a shot from the Dr. that protects against sangstration? It's a difficult one because ANYONE can get it, you technically don't even need physical contact although it certainly speeds up the process....actually, TECHNICALLY you don't even need a real relationship, a fake one does the job just fine.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Get In My Truck!

I've learned a lot in my 21 (yeah, okay 25 & 3/4) years. One of those things was not, "do not talk to strangers".

Must record travelingness to Vegas but truly I have no words. I talked to many a stranger there. And lets just say that the weekend was there for one night and one night only because I didn't make it to the second night. Yes, yes I did drink that much. And yes mom I'm very proud of myself. Also, liver damage is worth it and may God have mercy on the soul of anyone who dares challenge me.

Also, the big move happens next Monday. I'm offering a beer to anyone who moves at least 6 boxes (out and then in) for me. Yes, just one beer, but it's worth it! Plus I promise that you can earn at least a six pack. There is no cap on how many of my boxes you can move. Aside from the baby blue carpet K and I adore it. We have a garage. And a patio. And a storage shed (literally, it's a shed, and I love that too!). We also have our own private bathrooms! Which mean no strange guest (as if there are any) will be touching my "things". Speaking of which, my ex said I was selfish because of this very thing in the past, but I prefer to call myself particular, so Fuck you man.

I'm attempting to set up Twitter by phone and it is a struggle.

Do I really need another blog? Yes, yes I do. Now on to widgets. Onto or on to? One of those things I just don't understand.

I have grand ideas for my sidebars ya know. But....all in due time. Can't give the goods away right up front now can I.


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