Tuesday, March 30, 2010

If You Can't Say Something Nice....

I haven't felt like "myself" lately. Whatever myself is anyway. I don't know how long using the excuse, "I'm in a funk", is going to work, especially since we've been getting lots of sun lately. I apologize for my snarky attitude too much without actually changing anything. I try to but my snarkiness just pops out before I think about it. I keep resolving to be a better partner to Mr. Bear and I truly mean it....I guess my mouth is just acting out. I know I'm lucky because Mr. Bear really really loves me. Not that all those other men out their don't really really love their women....but I think Mr. Bear exceeds most expectations. I guess that means I need to get my mouth under control because it has had a bad attitude lately and in my heart I don't really feel that way. Rather than blame everything on sleep deprivation, winter, & the stress of building a home (it's official now!), selling the condo, & moving in with The Bear's brother for a few months I will take accountability from now on.

Dear Mr. Bear, I've been a brat lately and it must suck to live with me! I'm sorry. I love you! I'm lucky to have you! I can't wait until we live in our new house and have our bedroom to ourselves again. Won't it be nice to talk in bed without waking up Baby Bear? I admit though that I will miss watching her sleep next to me. Maybe sometimes she can still come snuggle with us? I think you'd like that too. I promise to be more pleasant to be around. And I'll try not to blame you when I can't find stuff.....except when it really is your fault...I love you! See how cute your girl is when she sleeps? That's why I'll miss it, but I'm taking lots of (awful IPhone) pictures so I never forget!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Airing Our Dirty Laundry

This week I finally "officially" packed up all of Baby Bear's 0-3 month clothing items (and a few 3-6 month pants that don't fit her long legs and booty bottom). Whoa boy was it a sad day for me. I have watched her grow. I've been excited to see all the things she can learn. So why am I so shocked??? I miss my tiny little itty bitty baby.

I wish I could go back and smell her newborness just one last time. Hold her tiny little head while she nursed through the night. Snuggle her on my shoulder without having her squirm away from me. Oh how will I ever make it through her life without crying over every new development? I suppose this is being a parent.

Today we folded diapers together. Well. I folded diapers. She stole them from my pile every time I turned my head. Eventually she had the bulk of the laundry on her lap and smiled up at me just as innocent as can be. I put my hands on her face, brought my head down low to touch hers, and kissed her over and over and over again. She loves when I do this. She loves big open mouth kisses especially. I love smelling her sweet scent. I love her. Then we decided that it was a good time to abandon our piles and take a nap together. I love being a mama. Thank you Mr. Bear for letting me spend all my days at home with my baby girl. Our time together is precious. Look at that face? I'm drunk from love. Time to go sleep so I can be close to her.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I Love(d) Tequila & Getting Caught in the Rain

For just a moment tonight I missed my old life. I missed getting up, getting my skinny butt into skinny jeans, and going out. I missed drinking like a fish. Yes, I missed being Tequila Melissa.

Lately the winter has been taking a toll on me. I go a little stir crazy and I get really lazy. I haven't put the laundry I actually DO wash away for weeks. WEEKS! So when The Bear called me tonight on his way home from a big "Meet & Greet" party for work, and told me that he saw some of my old friends, I realized that they were there baby free. Not thinking or worrying about anything in life but that moment. They were drinking without counting the hours in their head between that second and when their infant would be up and hollering for mama's milk, from the tap only, please and thank you. They were laughing at something other than a baby tooting and rolling around naked. They weren't depressed about not having lost the baby weight. And I just missed that. So much. I missed knowing myself as someone other than "mama" for once. How would it be to wake up one morning and think about myself? To stretch out and take a long lazy shower without craning my neck out the bathroom door to listen for baby cries? To need a nap because I was out having fun the night before and not because I woke up every hour to nurse a fussy baby? To not loath the body I am left with post-child birth?

I know how it would be. It would be lonely. Quiet. Empty. When I was single those things were OK. But it ISN'T baby fat rolls and rumbling bottoms. And it isn't popping my head out the bathroom door mid-shower to hear a baby jabbering to herself in a sing song voice. It isn't kisses on the back of soft necks. Or getting drunk off the scent of a freshly bathed baby. It isn't crawling in bed after a long, exhausting, day with an energetic and short tempered 5 month old and watching her chest rise and fall as she sleeps next to me and feeling so much love my heart could explode. Nope.

So take your Tequila shots and your loud parties. Take your work events and stimulating conversation. I'll stay home and savor the baby talk while it lasts. I'll snuggle and soothe and rock. I'll be the mama and save Tequila Melissa for a couple years down the road when Mr. Bear takes me on a cruise and I miss my baby so much I have to drink away my worries.

But I still hate my body even if it did shelter my beautiful baby for 42 weeks!


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