Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Domestic Bliss

These last weeks as I've been running around, NOT for no reason, trying to get my home and garden into shape, trying to keep up with a toddler who has more volume and energy every day, and learning to once again keep my balance with a growing belly full of baby, I've realized that I'm still just getting used to this domestic life. In reality I jumped head first from a life of YOUNG! SINGLE! TOTALLY CAREFREE! into this, my life now with a husband, babies, a home, a yard, weeds to pull, dishes to wash that simply cannot be ignored, 10x the laundry, baths to give, jammies to put on, songs to be sung, dinners to be made, garbage to be cleaned, rinse and repeat. There was no gentle initiation. Is there ever?
Mad is already the best mama
Today my Mad and I pulled weeds, spread mulch, cleaned dirt, put out chairs, and then, with the sun and a gentle breeze pouring over us,we sat in our seats to drink water and be amazed at what we got done. The funny thing is, once you sit down it doesn't feel like very much at all. The weeded area was not even 1/4 of the entire yard needing to be attended to and when you look at it you can easily look past the parts that are good and focus on all of the things that aren't good enough & very well might not ever be as good as they could be.
Enjoying her water after a long day of work/play
 It felt so similar to the way I often, fleetingly, feel at the end of a long day. When my arms are so heavy they couldn't possibly lift my baby even one more time to change one more diaper and I feel like I did so many loads of dishes, possibly even got around to making my bed, showered, got dressed, played, napped, cleaned some more, and did all of the things that should make my family and my home so happy.....only to sit down, put my feet up, and realize there are dishes in the sink, dirt on the floors, the bed that was made is unmade from naps and tv hour in the late afternoon, laundry didn't get done, the minutes I spent on the computer/phone add up to more than I intended and I look at my husband just KNOWING how much he must think I fail every day at my job.
Happy as long as I don't force him to take pictures with me
Some nights it gets to me and I swear to be better, do more, the next day, but most of the time I just shrug my mental shoulders flip, on the tv and feel so grateful to have a home to be messy and a toddler to exhaust me. And when we crawl into that cozy bed no one is worried about how perfectly made it is, least of all my AngryBear who is usually happy to have food in his belly and a few minutes of quiet before we drift off to sleep.
The cat's only demand is plenty of attention and warm spots to nap
I figure it's ok to want to be better, to do better, but the more I think and talk about it the less I do it and the more I feel disappointed that I "failed". I should just give what I have every day, which can be more or less depending on the day/mood/health status/baby location in my belly/hours of sleep from the night before and be happy for another day to do it again. That's my goal for the Summer, and hopefully by the end of it, when my new little baby arrives, I'll have next to no days when I focus on what I didn't do instead of being happy and proud of what I did........because this life was the best jump I've ever taken.
24 weeks with a baby who doesn't care about dirty dishes
My best work so far

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Goodness of Spring

Life has just been so busy and writing has just seemed like so much work lately. So, I don't do it. And then I'm sad because I wish I did. Then I sit down to write and I remember why it is so much work because I have all these thoughts and memories in my head and trying to put them down is extremely difficult.

April is a month of birthdays and my youngest sister turned 21!
Everything seems to be at such a peaceful place right now. That is exactly how I want it. I want to be calm, and happy.....I know that it's just a matter of looking around me, watching my girl play, feeling this newest baby kick and squirm around inside me, anxiously waiting for the end of the day for my husband to be with us again, listening to the laughter that brightens every morning in our home, and I can't deny how much happiness I have. That's not to say that there aren't difficult things but right now, at this point, I'm choosing to forget about that and just be content. A person only has control over their own direct choices and life and I want mine to be good. It's that easy really. If I ever feel like crying? I listen to happy music, or color in a coloring book. I mean HELLO, what tears could not be dried over coloring Disney Princesses???
Coffee, food, and my baby girl....this is every day and I like it
I am making a huge effort to spend this pregnancy overwhelmed with the good. I really believe it is a positive thing for this baby and for this birth, which I am already trying to prepare myself for. With my beautiful first baby I was so worried all the time. I obsessed over what her little face would look like, over how much she would weigh, if she would cry or nurse well, or if she would actually turn out a she. I cried worrying that there would be problems or that labor would hurt so much or that somehow I wouldn't be able to do it. As if there was really any option once things got started anyway, so silly of me. But it felt real. All that anxiety was real to me and I allowed myself to feel it. This time? It just isn't an option. I'm calm and relaxed, and if I'm not I'm pretending that I am anyway. I don't worry about anything except for the moment I am in, the kicks I am feeling, the roundness I'm trying to appreciate, the way my daughter cups my belly with her arms and whisper yells to her sibling about her love for him/her, and how she demands I do not cover the baby with clothing, which I get around by telling her the baby is coldy (coldie? It's our way cuter way of saying cold) and that totally makes sense to her!
Our kitties love Mad - My very best lunch date - Book reading together - 22 week baby
I'm feeling the extra happiness of Spring and can't wait to spend every day outside in the sun. I think the baby would like that and I KNOW my little outside girl will too. This mama could use some Vitamin D to keep her pumped up with happy with little to no effort, which is exactly what Spring brings. Happy Spring everyone, I hope it makes everything look a little brighter for everyone.
Such a cute and happy Easter girl
P.S. My new favorite Iphone app, Frametastic. I don't even use a regular camera these days and this is a fun way to catalog my many pictures.


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