Thursday, April 29, 2010

Goodnight Cow Jumping Over the Moon

Once again I'm sitting up on the computer when I should be sleeping. The Bear came home from his business trip, unplugged the television system, realized he has no where to put it all yet, & went to bed. I was a brat about it I admit. I didn't want to be left alone and I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep that early (9:30). Maybe I need a business trip so I can come home and sleep well...hmmm.....

Tomorrow is moving day and this place is a mess of boxed up items and random piles of things needing a home. I'm happy that we are one step closer to getting into our dream house but I'm feeling sentimental and sad about leaving the place we've called home our entire relationship. This is where he brought me on our second date. I remember sitting on his couch, drinking wine that wasn't very good (believe me his taste has improved since then), and watching a movie. I was amazed at how neat, tidy, and decorated it was. The most impressive bachelor pad I've ever seen. I remember sitting on the couch and telling him that I would take a pregnancy test if he would go buy it. I don't know if I was more scared to see that positive sign or just feeling lazy (hey blame it on the tadpole sucking up all my energy at the time!). He left right then and I have to laugh thinking about him wandering the pregnancy test aisle all alone at WalMart. I will never forget my 48 hours of labor in our living room. I was so miserable with the 2 minute contractions that I didn't even move from the couch to sleep. And then....bringing our sweet baby girl home. Decorating her first nursery, sleeping next to her in our room, bathing her in the little tub, spending hour after hour rocking and holding her here. I'm sad to see our little home go but hopefully I will always keep the memories (old age memory loss be damned) of our first years together.

I'm just overwhelmed with everything I suppose. It's been a long week all by myself and now our last night together here I'm wasting away on the computer. I hope we are ready for this next chapter. There is so so much to worry about. I need to crawl into bed with my loves and all will fall into place. Goodnight moon.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Times They Are Changin

I really despise moving. Really. The mess, the disorganization no matter how organized we try to be, the effort. UGH! And thinking that I will have to do this not just once but TWICE in the next 4 months makes me want to cry. *CRIE* While Mr. Bear travels it's up to me to get what remains of our house in order. This means lots of laundry and lots of decisions and lots of packing away things that I hope I don't need.

You see our condo has been sold but they haven't even broken ground on our new house yet. So, in the interim, we are moving in with Mr. Bear's brother. I love him and I love his house, there is plenty of room for us, but I hate giving up our own things for these few months, and I hate knowing that we are infringing on his privacy. But mostly I hate that I have to pack and move and then unpack and then pack and move and unpack again. I suppose I should be grateful because once we unpack in the new AMAZING house I won't have to worry about it again for many many years. I'll just need to worry about furnishing and organizing a house that is triple the size of our condo, landscaping a huge yard, & finishing a basement. Then I have to keep it all clean.

Baby Bear's room is mostly packed, although it looks like a bomb went off in there. Mr. Bear packed most of the kitchen and excess storage stuff. Now I'm just feeling like I don't know where to go next. I don't want to pack anything I'll need this week and I don't want to pack something and send it off to storage if it actually needs to come with us. I'm tired and lonely and wish The Bear was here to keep me company. I suppose I should go start some more laundry while the Baby naps. *le sigh*

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Shopping With My Eyes Closed

I'm tired. Not just tonight. I'm physically exhausted every single day. Baby Bear is restless. I'm restless too. We get so bored in this condo but it's impossible to leave for more than short periods of time and when you have to drive to get anywhere you either sacrifice a nap or come and go multiple times a day. Either option is exhausting. If you've ever hauled a 17 lbs baby in and out of the car 4 times in one day or dealt with an over tired baby for hours on end you'll understand what I mean. If you haven't then I probably just sound fat and lazy.

I'm learning what I guess I always knew and never really appreciated with my own mother. Mamas don't get a day off. No sick day. No vacation day. No holiday. I'm on duty even when I'm off duty and lately my shifts are a lot more demanding. A little one who is ready to move but can't yet keeps me on my toes and keeps my hands full. Baby Bear wants to be going going going every second that she is not sleeping. She has endless energy when she is awake and her toys simply do not entertain her the way they used to. We will read every book in the house. twice. and she'll still look up at me expectantly as if to say, "Ok? Now what? That can't be all you've got woman!". So we'll move to another room, pull out a different basket of toys and books and go through those until she starts to whine with her bored disapproval.

Today, while Baby Bear and I shopped at Target for groceries, I swung into the baby toy aisle looking for something new and more challenging than the blocks and rattles she tires of quickly these days. I guess I wasn't paying attention when my daughter rolled her eyes and told me those toys were SOOOOO 2 weeks ago. My bad. I am not kidding when I say that her eyes got big and round with awe as I paced up and down the aisle examining each toy for her age group, checking the price, seeing what sounds it made, thinking if her little hands could do those tasks yet, trying to imagine if it would last more than 2 minutes before being tossed aside. Finally after I'd gone back and forth multiple times she let out a squawk of excitement/impatience, her little feet twirling around and around, arms waggling as if to say, "Please for the love of God woman pick a damn toy"! I settled on a phone slash piano (it flipped over from one to the other) that was reasonably priced and not too huge. When I pulled it out for her at home she banged on the keypad with delight and made lovely music on the little keyboard. When I showed her how to pick the phone the first thing she did was try to shove the entire piece into her mouth. Yep, just as I thought. Maybe now my Iphone won't be covered in slobber when I turn my back for two seconds.

So, I'm tired, but happy. Happy that my baby girl is growing into a smart, fun, busy little person. Sad that she it is all happening so fast though. I admit that instead of more rigid sleep training I've started nursing her to drowsiness and then snuggling her on my chest until she's fast asleep. These moments are just passing too quickly to leave her before she's sleeping. In the past she preferred to go down on her own without me crowding her personal space (oh such her mama's girl in that way). Now I think we both need a little extra cuddling to calm down from the busy days. I hold her and let her wispy hair tickle my face. She smells so yummy and feels so warm and soft against my body. I remember nursing her during those first weeks, in the wee hours of the night, and trying to remember exactly how small she looked in my arms. Now she fills my entire lap with her long chubby limbs and her head seems so big on my chest (hard to believe that it was once smaller than just one side of my "chest" ;). I love to see her grow...but oh boy does it break my heart.


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