Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Ultimate

Where to start. Well. I haven't put make up on in WEEKS (now turning into months) I've stopped trying to remember if I'm wearing the same shirt as I wore 3 days ago (hey if it's clean I'll take it!), I've been snacking on the same Blueberry Luna bar for 3 days...the same bar that I threw half of up on Tuesday because of that lovely Tequila hangover, I got a manicure today and my hands are you really want me to continue? Because I can. Don't get me started on shaving. Underarms are a stretch this week.

And yet, I'm chipper and listening to Bryan Adams while I blog(yeah what are you gonna do about it. FYI my jokes about the music I listen to are NOT jokes. I really do have a Michael Bolton album, just one).

There are 5652 emails total in my Outlook. Who is even noticing that I have 15 unread emails in my inbox and I can't read them because I can't even find them! 22 voicemails....that's nothing compared to my usual 45 (that is the max my phone can hold). I probably shouldn't make a joke about how there are only 22 because I just erased half of them the other day. Awkward! And the paper. My desk is being held responsible for holding 1/2 of the world's rain forest's hostage. Believe me I don't take that accusation lightly. Oh the guilt.

And yet, I'm drinking a Dr. Pepper (lovehandles, what? Huh?) and wishing I could be headed to my vaca in California right this very second. I took a 2 hour lunch and left my phone on silent. I'm really only concerned about finishing my work by 5 so I can go home to Mr. Bear, a delicious cranberry & blue cheese salad & a fancy bottle of wine. Oh, and Grey's. We aren't risking the recording disaster again today so you now know what I'll be doing at 8PM this evening and you better believe it won't be working from home.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

In My Moment of Weekness

first of all. I know. I was an English major for, like, a week. Not kidding. Impressive I know. Now on to the story.

Mr. Bear is constantly hassling me to learn his ultra fantastically difficult television remote system. I, ever so kindly, decline at his every insistence. Find me one good reason on God's good earth why I should learn how to push lots of buttons and possibly royally fuck SOMETHING up, as I am known to do (I can hardly figure out how to use a garage door opener for hell's sake!), and I will learn. Unfortunately Mr. Bear, a very ANGRY Bear, only found reason enough to convince me I should learn to turn the overcomplicated device OFF. It came in handy once or twice but I won't lie, I'd much prefer the alternative, which is to wait for him to get in bed and then remind him that the tv is on and I, the incompetent home invader, can't remember which red buttons to push and he has to get up to turn it off. Actually, on second thought, I don't prefer the alternative as much as I REQUIRE the alternative because when you have twentysevenmillionty remotes, all with a few red buttons of varying sizes, a girl like me, who has never paid for cable in her life (if it doesn't come with the apartment it must not be very important), is hard pressed to remember which damn red button to push. And in what God damn order?! "The black one? There are 5 black remotes! The black remote with the red On button? Ok got it!" and then the radio starts blaring from the laundry room. You get my point.

Anyway, tonight I was left to my own devices as Mr. Bear fulfilled his "work obligations" and drank Patron without me. It all started off innocently enough with the thought of a big lonely house.....I immediately decided to break into Mr. Bear's condo so I wouldn't feel so ALONE. Maybe I'd read a book. That was my single resolution was it not? "Strange" I thought to myself, "I feel like there is something very important going on today???". Oh man, important was an understatement! Today is my favorite day of the week, Thursday!!! Not because it comes before Friday, although that is a lovely thought, but because Thursday is Grey's Anatomy night!

In my mind I know there is a little highlighted section on his Tivo blinking with the indication of a new recorded piece of heaven. Wish I would have taken those lessons after all. Brilliant idea! I'll call him and make him teach me over the phone. I'm a smart girl, it could totally work. And work it did. Even though he MAY have been a few (dozen) sheets to the wind he walked me through the process and BAM there was my highlighted euphoria.

I wish I could end this story with how AWESOME Grey's was tonight but, of course, the one night I show off my incredible remote control talents the show stopped recording about 5 minutes in. It, like this story, was similar to seeing Brad Pitt get ALMOST naked (in person!) only to find out he's really a chick, and not even a hot one! Buzz kill. So I watched shitty Utah news until I got pissed off about the talk of stupid new Utah liquor laws and shut it off. I kind of wanted to leave it on for whenever he got home the next day but I figure it's not nice to take my anger on an innocent man. At least not when he was possibly sleeping peacefully in a comatose-like fashion. Instead I'll just let him continue to get out of bed to turn it off at night, knowing I probably could do it without breaking too much in the process. Yeah, this is a brilliant plan.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

9 Times Out of 10

Mel: When Yenchi has a pug puppy we should have one! Kidding!
Mr. Bear: We can get a pug puppy...but it's yours if you leave me. And it has to be a Yenchi pug puppy. Small.
Mel: You never know. There's no guarantee.
Mr. Bear: We'll just get a girl.
Mel: There's no guarantee.
Mr. Bear: 9 times out of 10 girls are smaller.
Mel: You're so full of shit! You just made that shit up.
Mr. Bear: Google it!
Mel: You just made that shit up.

Just one of the awesome conversations we have through out our days together. But you better believe he loves those little shit fucks more than he ever thought possible. Shedding, snorting, begging and all. It's amazing what a little affection for a person can do you for you. He has also finally learned that regardless of what he might insist I am always right. No point in arguing when you're with someone who knows everything. *shrug* Yeah, sometimes it's tough to be as awesome and as perfect as I am. It's a cross I am will to bare (bear? haha)

Talking Shit About A Pretty Sun....set

I hate winter. It's as simple as that really. There is nothing about it I really enjoy other than looking through the window at a beautiful snowy mountain with the heater blowing on my skin. Even the lovely view can be enjoyed vicariously through photographs taken by those who choose to venture out into the brittle temperatures of winter. But for now I'm stuck here and although people claim we will see "warmer" days (what is warm when we are speaking of temperatures just above freezing?) or that we are, "turning the corner into Spring", I still dread waking up and subjecting myself to the COLD air. Cold. Cold is what you feel when you walk outside and there is ice and snow. So the sun is shining, big deal. Fuck you sun. Do you enjoy to tease me with your brilliance? If you're so awesome then why don't you heat me while I lay poolside, half naked, sipping a margarita? That's right sun. You're not so awesome. You can't fight winter either. You and I, we're not so different. Winter is our nemesis. It overpowers us even at our best. Sun, I suggest you see a counselor to figure out why you insist on letting Winter slap you around like a little bitch. Then maybe we can be on speaking terms once again. Until then, don't call or write. We're officially on a break until you see the severity of your actions. Or lack of.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Give Me A Reason

*FYI I tried to format better with the pictures and descriptions at the bottom but I don't know computer shit and so I did the best I could with what I had. Which wasn't much. Who knows how terrible it looks on YOUR computer screen.*

Ahhh well the holidays are finally over. Finally being the key word. No more discussion about how much of a Scrooge McScrooger I am, no more "Cheer" and if my neighbors are smart there will be NO MORE Christmas lights up and down the streets sending me into seizures with their bright and shiny glow. I am celebrating the new year with hopes that next year I can pretend Christmas does not exist. Though I say the same thing every year and have yet to avoid or ignore it's presence. Looking back I might say that 2008 was just like the year before with more or less of certain things. Things will now be listed below, bulleted and randomized as is my fashion.


♥ Tequila drinking
♥ working (hence the tequila)
♥ laughing
♥ questioning (everything)
♥ heartbreak (but life does go on)
♥ opportunities
♥ Sex (kidding just checking to see if you were truly paying attention)
♥ pink eye. Not just more...for the first time EVER! TWICE!
♥ eye drops, because now I'm addicted
♥ spending money on good food
♥ partying at cabin's with younger boys
♥ shotgunning PBR & corrupting adult men who have never shot gunned a beer...or tasted PBR
♥ delicious beer
♥ fancy wine
♥ getting older


♥ crying
♥ wasted....ness (or so I'm trying to convince myself)
♥ showering....I'm sure we both wish I was kidding. But I'm not! It really seemed like a good idea at the time.
♥ likewise....less shaving my legs. Awesome is what that is.
♥ close friendships with people I've known for a long long time. :(
♥ reading. I sense a resolution for this one.....
♥ eating meat! I just totally high fived myself on this one.
♥ caring about people who don't care back
♥ being single for years at a time

Some of these are sad to me but I need to laugh at them. Some of them are happy for real and I'm laughing remembering it all. Some of them don't make me feel anything at all.

Now for as much as I hate the C word I must admit the holiday helped to make my blog MORE COLORFUL and full of pictures. Here are some things I did in December.

Got pink eye and took creepy up close pictures of it! case you needed/wanted it. My doctor told me it was pretty awesomely intense. In so many words.

Went to a work Cword party and won employee of the year for the accounting department, among other things. This means I'm a bad ass.

Cried, drank, and put on party hats with Carly Ray to make me feel better.

Had the best parents in the whole world.

Dated this man.

but moved in with this one.

Laughed at pugs jumping around my lap....AT THE KITCHEN TABLE!

and took a tequila shot with some of my very most favorite friends to celebrate...something. What a delightful way to end the year.


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