Sunday, October 31, 2010


When weeks go by it's obvious that blogging has become less off a priority in my life. A fact I hate, because I've always enjoyed writing, but when you have a toddling little one life becomes so busy with the chasing, picking up after, searching out, (because you turned your head to sneeze and all of a sudden you hear slamming of some drawer/door and, for the life of you, you can't figure out which room it was coming from so, begin frantic search) & comforting, that you forget about all the other things that you used to think you loved so much. At least that is what has happened to me. I've gotten used to cleaning the contents of my kitchen drawers off of the floor at least 5 times a day (not even kidding!) because that is the only way I can get a meal cooked. Then I have to clean the mess while she eats and once she's done eating I have to clean the mess from that while she empties the drawers, again. Really!

Thankfully Mr. Bear has been a huge (HUGE) help lately and at the end of every day, when we are both exhausted and ready to sleep, he helps me do one final clean up. We sweep away the abandoned remnants of vegetables and pasta that were tossed overboard when dinner started to get a little boring, scrub the dishes that were used as a food finger painting canvas, tuck the plastic spoons back in their drawers, remove the dolls/blocks from the cabinets, stow away the well loved books, fold the laundry (for the second time), and crash on the couch with a drink or ten. He even put her to bed one night while I was out helping my teenage sister find a costume, epic!

In between all of the chasing around we've been doing the typical October activities. Eating pumpkin pie. Oh, and pumpkin picking & costume wearing.

Originally I was going to get her a cute Pottery Barn costume. Then I realized that we weren't going trick or treating (good thing we didn't plan on it) and had no where to go so it would have been a waste. SOOOOO, I passed on spending a small fortune for fabric cut into cute shapes. We had a little Piggy outfit from Gap that we figured she could wear, even though the booties didn't fit and it was a game to see how many times she could pull the hat off, and it was perfect for handing out candy. Halloween was approaching and The Bear and I are out buying candy. I don't know why I walked down the crappy costume aisle (sparkles and cheap fabric that will probably fall of and rip by the end of the night) but I did and that's where I discovered a mini Tinkerbell outfit. Baby Bear adores all things Tinkerbell (thanks to daddy) and carries her Tinkerbell around the house all day long making her fly about (sound effects and everything) so wouldn't it be cute/funny for her to wear it while we hand out candy? I thought so and even though it was mostly too small, it was too damn cold to wear without undershirts and leggings (even indoors), she wouldn't keep the wings on, & she wasn't going "treating", she was the cutest fairy I've ever seen. The proof is in the pictures.

We would have taken her around the neighborhood with her cousins but Utah doesn't Trick or Treat on Sunday and Saturday was the coldest, rainiest, most awful day of the year so far. There were MAYBE 30 kids that came by the house so we have enough leftover candy to build small candy village. Ultimately Halloween was a major let down, despite our cute child. Hopefully the rest of the holidays will be better! Also, if you live in Utah and want some candy come on over!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Weekend Warrior (not the Churchy kind)

There is truly nothing like a quiet house on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. NOTHING! Ok, maybe a really nice bottle of wine and a piece of exquisite chocolate cake in addition to a quiet house, but one can't have everything all at once.....

The Bear was busy this morning getting the yard ready for Winter. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday we were moving into this house and feeling overwhelmed with all the work to get done. That is not to say we have all the things we need to make this home exactly what I want but we knocked out a huge chunk this Summer and now we have a BEAUTIFUL lawn. It's a little bit depressing to know that just as the weeds are starting to fade and all the dry patches have filled we have to Winterize the yard and get ready for the first snow. This morning I walked out to a beautiful green back yard and marveled at how much more I love my house now that it doesn't look all white trash with mile high weeds and dead lawn. I just have to keep reminding myself how great it will be next year *sigh*.

Baby Bear is walking now and it's safe to say she keeps me on my toes. She just goes and goes and goes, then passes out for a 2 hour nap only to wake up and go a million miles an hour until the next nap. She's exhausting and wonderful all at the same time. Which is another reason weekends are so awesome. I know I'm lucky to have a partner to carry the load with me but during the week it all starts to build up and 5 days with barely enough energy/time to shower and get ready or keep things clean starts to push me over the edge. Then the weekend comes and I feel so relieved to know that I can clean during nap time and still get a shower because someone is here to help me. And today, when Baby Bear didn't want to nap, crying sounded much better apparently, and I was at the edge of sanity, Mr. Bear was there to take a turn so I could shower and get my shit back together. Also, he gets to stay in bed with us in the morning and feel the joy of snuggling in bed with a warm baby. If she'll hold still that is. So, exhausting & awesome! I'm glad he is here to share it all with me.

I have to add that as much as we will miss the warm days Baby Bear is sooo ready for Halloween! Check it out....

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Falling for Fall

Now that the sickness is gone things have calmed down. The last week was difficult, I was tired and ornery and it's safe to say I wasn't being the partner I needed/wanted to be, but it's over and a succession of really amazing days helps to forget it. And by forget I mean simply to stop obsessing over the details of what made that week so awful.

Fall has settled in here in Utah and Baby Bear and I are loving every minute of it. We go on relaxing, albeit short walks, open the windows so the house smells of fresh air, and enjoy the colors of the season. The colors around us are more gorgeous than I remember from years past. The burnt oranges and greenish yellows roll around the hills and give a crisp warmth to our Earth. I've never considered myself much of a seasonal decorator (for example, I'll decorate for Halloween but won't replace pillows candles, flower vases, etc. for each season) but this year I'm really wishing I had a seasonal decorations budget. I'd love to throw some Fallish pillows on the couch or have more surfaces to put up candles, garlands, pumpkins, and things of that sort. I have so much space to decorate in the future but right now, this season, I have a lot of empty corners and not enough places that can easily accommodate frequent decor changes.

However, I do have some space outside! I have a pretty small front porch and a couple little nooks out front which make it easy to fill and decorate. I've been coveting these yarn wreaths for well over a year now but at forty bucks, or more, a pop I knew that I could afford ONE for the whole year, not multiple wreaths, plus buying it wouldn't give me the satisfaction of figuring out how to do it myself. So this week I did it. I asked The Bear if I could spend $20 at the craft store, not sure what I was going to spend it on, and then I decided to go for it. It took me one day and even though I spent just a little more than the $20 planned I have a lot of extra Fall flowers to use in the future. I admit that it's a far cry from the beautiful wreaths on Etsy, but the idea is to get a feel for it and eventually they will get better. I can't wait to do one for Christmas!

Please excuse our awful front door. I hate it and hopefully will be able to at least sand it down and re-stain it before Winter. Door's are expensive!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Got Out of Bed...& Bumped My Head

Maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired or maybe it's because I've had one of "those days," (you know, the days where everything you do and say comes out a little harsher than you intended it, or you opened your big mouth at all when you knew you should have just kept it shut altogether) but the intense feeling of failure is just overwhelming. Alright, over dramatics aside, I simply feel like I can't win just by being me today.

Parenthood & partnerships/marriages are two of those fuzzy, feel good, me love you long time sorts of experiences that you can't help but feel intense gratitude for being involved in. Most days are surrounded by laughter, hugs, smiles, slight chaos (the good kind), & much much love. Other days, for me anyway, begin on the wrong side of the bed and end with the whole bed to yourself (not the good kind). They are few and far between, really they are, but when I have them it's enough to make me wonder why/how I ever thought I was so awesome to begin with.

For example? I thought I was an awesome, attentive, loving, home cooked meal, sort of mama but today my almost 13 month old daughter ate an Arby's roast beef for lunch and Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner (I couldn't have even done the Organic kind???), she cried when I took her out of my sister's arms (the quivering lips and huge crocodile tears type of crying), & she picked up the television remote and carried it over to me whining and pointing to the television. Guess the 6 AM Sesame Street in bed & sanity saving Tinkerbell movie does more damage than good. My bad! Mom of the year at your service!

Or this; I feel like I try to be patient and understanding with The Bear when it comes to these two things, work & parenting. Instead the first thing I do when he sits down to play with us at the end of his work day is bark at him for checking work email at the same time. Never mind the trip to NYC that work email just paid for, or my beautiful home & brand new car. And when we sit down for dinner, rather than expressing gratitude that he is feeding the baby so I can eat before my food goes cold for once, I criticize him for not doing the feeding just the way I think he should be doing it; which is something I've struggled with since day one, "hold her neck! rock her MY way! smile more! talk more! laugh more!". Just saying it all aloud makes me want to kick myself out of the house. In my head I am telling myself that I'm patient and understanding a lot of other times and maybe I had every right to react the way I did (I was sick and exhausted right?) but I never have been good at pep talks and mostly just feel worse the longer I analyze the situation.

Unfortunately even though I recognize these flaws in myself it is extremely likely that I will, flip on Sesame Street when Baby Bear is brought to me at 6 AM (or earlier) tomorrow morning, fill up another day with not so homemade meals because I'm still recovering from the sickness, get my feelings hurt when Baby Bear wants my sister more than me, & feel, possibly un-justified, resentment toward Mr. Bear's Iphone....and vocally express that resentment. All of these realizations are contributing to this overwhelming feeling of utter parent & partner failure.

So I sure hope that this day can be blamed on my sickness because I know the runny nose won't last and this losing streak sure as hell can't last either lest I spend the remainder of my life being constantly plagued with the knowledge that I am a sub-par, overly critical, & nagging woman (reminded by no one other than myself). /pity party

Monday, October 4, 2010

In The City feels so good to be home. Well, I mean it would have felt good if it weren't for the souvenir I picked up in NYC in the form of sniffles, sore throat, & body aches. Now I'm in bed just begging the day to end. I don't get to take a walk with my baby. I can hardly enjoy playing with her because it hurts to enjoy anything. Being a mom when you are sick is tough.

Despite today's sickness I enjoyed a beautiful homecoming with my girl last night. She has a great weekend with my family filled with attention and adoration all directed at her. Being the center of attention is her favorite thing to do! I was anxious before I left about her taking a bottle (she always refuses it which is why we waited until after 1 year to take any extended time away from her) but the new Breastflow bottle I picked up worked wonders.

After that my anxiety shifted to nursing when we got home. Would she? I've heard of so many babies who just decide they are done when they have a couple days with a bottle. We walked in the door late at night to a quiet house. I went to put some comfortable clothes on so I could sneak in and pull her out of bed to nurse sleepily, hoping for more success. I'd pumped for over a month trying to build up my freezer stock of milk and I really wanted to continue nursing after I got home for at least another 8-12 months. When I walked out of the bathroom a sleepy smiling face greeted me at the door. Into my arms flew my little one, patting, hugging, & kissing me. Heaven! "Would you like nursies," I asked her? She patted my chest, her signal that yes, indeed, she did. We crawled into my bed and spent a glorious 5 minutes (speedy little bugger) snuggling while she nursed. It seems as though we are destined to continue, and I am so grateful.

As for NYC, well, it was wonderful. I discovered in the car that I'd forgotten my camera so we were stuck with Iphones and The Bear's SLR. Not exactly great tourist picture taking devices. I tried to force him into taking some self portraits on his phone but they just did not turn out. So....I have nothing to show for my trip except the happy look on my face as I type this.

We ate delicious Sushi, visited the Empire State Building at night (beautiful!), toured Liberty Island, ate pizza at Lombardi's (fresh motz, in house roasted red peppers, sauteed mushrooms, garlic spinach, & ricotta.....a foodie's dream come true!), & saw Mary Poppins on Broadway. We attempted the shopping scene, and bought lots of lovely handmade jewelry (a gorgeous blue topaz tension ring among other sweet finds in the Little Italy area just next to Soho) but I got discouraged when it was obvious that fashion savvy NYC doesn't market to chubby mom's who haven't lost all of their baby weight. I can count the number of women I know that are a size 23 on one hand (or one finger!) but every rack was filled with 22, 23 & 24 sizes, it was amazing to me that anyone could shop there at all. Even in my skinny days I could only fit my pinky finger in some of the clothes they sold. Defeated only for now I've vowed to return when I'm back down to my normal size.

Despite the mostly bad clothes experience I have to give a shout out to the Levi brand. There was a huge store right by our hotel and, always on the prowl for new jeans, The Bear and I went in. I found an incredible pair of skinny jeans, that I've been needing for boot wearing this winter, that actually came in my size and fit really well! They have different "curve" fits and it makes a big difference. I was shocked to pay over $70 for Levi's but it was worth it. The Bear got his own pair of jeans that actually make him look like there is a hint of a bum underneath all that denim. If you've ever seen him from behind you know this is a pretty huge deal! It wasn't exactly exciting NYC shopping but we went home happy.

So, here I am. Sick and more than a little exhausted, wasting my nap time on a long, wordy, blog post. To make things exciting I'll add in a couple yummy baby faced pictures of my Baby Bear playing. Did I mention how much I missed her this weekend??? I really did!


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