My hair feels dirty even though I shower every day. My arms and shoulders smell of milk and spit up. My shirts and bras are all spotted with milk stains, my bed sheets follow the same pattern. Next to me is a little, tiny, snoring baby, looking as innocent as can be. Her little chest rising and falling, her sweet lips twitching into a smile from time to time, the sweetest little bundle you've ever seen. She's napping well, I'm sure, due to the fact that all night long she grumbled and complained, squirmed and twisted, sleeping fitfully in her mama's arms (since she had no desire to sleep in her own bed of course) and wearing herself out. And me. Yes, don't forget about me. I'm tired too! And cranky on top of that. And it's only Tuesday.
Now it's nearly 4 hours later......Baby Bear woke, ate, snuggled, and now she is back in her favorite place; the soft spot in the middle of our king sized bed, head resting on a pillow while I'm here to watch her, close to her mama but comfy in her own space. Why can't night time be so easy? The little pill likes to stay awake for an hour or more every time she wakes up to eat, and she nurses terribly at night. This is all new for us as the last two weeks had been pretty good at night. So we're hoping it's just a phase. Or I'm hoping anyway.
I try to find patience during these late nights and early mornings though it's not always easy. Early this morning, while she hollered at my boob for not making her food come faster and easier, while she flailed her arms around and head butted my chest in her own frustration, I sighed loudly and said her name very sternly. It was a real parent moment come to soon. She jerked her head up to look at me, her eyes wide open and blinking as if to say, "Yes mother? Is there a problem?", and my heart melted just a little. Mostly I felt bad for scolding her even though she doesn't know her name and was just reacting to the noise not knowing what it meant. I don't suppose it gets any easier from here. One day, too soon I'm sure, she will know what it means when I say her name that way. She will look at me with her sparkly eyes and wonder why I'm such a mean cranky parent. And I'm sure my heart will break then too. Or maybe she'll have been so terrible I won't feel bad at all....but I'm not counting on it, and I'm not looking forward to it either.
Oh Baby Bear. Please stay little forever. But.....learn how to nurse and sleep at night the same way you do in the afternoons. Also, I can't believe you're almost 1 month old! We picked pumpkins last night for your first Halloween. It was cold and mama is still fat but here we are! /yet another mommy bloggeresque post