Maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired or maybe it's because I've had one of "those days," (you know, the days where everything you do and say comes out a little harsher than you intended it, or you opened your big mouth at all when you knew you should have just kept it shut altogether) but the intense feeling of failure is just overwhelming. Alright, over dramatics aside, I simply feel like I can't win just by being me today.
Parenthood & partnerships/marriages are two of those fuzzy, feel good, me love you long time sorts of experiences that you can't help but feel intense gratitude for being involved in. Most days are surrounded by laughter, hugs, smiles, slight chaos (the good kind), & much much love. Other days, for me anyway, begin on the wrong side of the bed and end with the whole bed to yourself (not the good kind). They are few and far between, really they are, but when I have them it's enough to make me wonder why/how I ever thought I was so awesome to begin with.
For example? I thought I was an awesome, attentive, loving, home cooked meal, sort of mama but today my almost 13 month old daughter ate an Arby's roast beef for lunch and Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner (I couldn't have even done the Organic kind???), she cried when I took her out of my sister's arms (the quivering lips and huge crocodile tears type of crying), & she picked up the television remote and carried it over to me whining and pointing to the television. Guess the 6 AM Sesame Street in bed & sanity saving Tinkerbell movie does more damage than good. My bad! Mom of the year at your service!
Or this; I feel like I try to be patient and understanding with The Bear when it comes to these two things, work & parenting. Instead the first thing I do when he sits down to play with us at the end of his work day is bark at him for checking work email at the same time. Never mind the trip to NYC that work email just paid for, or my beautiful home & brand new car. And when we sit down for dinner, rather than expressing gratitude that he is feeding the baby so I can eat before my food goes cold for once, I criticize him for not doing the feeding just the way I think he should be doing it; which is something I've struggled with since day one, "hold her neck! rock her MY way! smile more! talk more! laugh more!". Just saying it all aloud makes me want to kick myself out of the house. In my head I am telling myself that I'm patient and understanding a lot of other times and maybe I had every right to react the way I did (I was sick and exhausted right?) but I never have been good at pep talks and mostly just feel worse the longer I analyze the situation.
Unfortunately even though I recognize these flaws in myself it is extremely likely that I will, flip on Sesame Street when Baby Bear is brought to me at 6 AM (or earlier) tomorrow morning, fill up another day with not so homemade meals because I'm still recovering from the sickness, get my feelings hurt when Baby Bear wants my sister more than me, & feel, possibly un-justified, resentment toward Mr. Bear's Iphone....and vocally express that resentment. All of these realizations are contributing to this overwhelming feeling of utter parent & partner failure.
So I sure hope that this day can be blamed on my sickness because I know the runny nose won't last and this losing streak sure as hell can't last either lest I spend the remainder of my life being constantly plagued with the knowledge that I am a sub-par, overly critical, & nagging woman (reminded by no one other than myself). /pity party