Thursday, June 2, 2011

The (frustrated) Mama in Me

I lost my patience this morning with a little girl I call Mad. Even though I try to avoid writing too often about the frustrating times we are going through (terrible two's come early?) in real ACTUAL life those frustrating times are impossible to avoid. Lots of days are wonderful. She might throw a fit or two but it's nothing we can't handle. Other days end up like this one.
"Look mom, I don't have time for this, I've got better things to do, OBVIOUSLY!"
Mad wakes at the crack of dawn. Literally. 5:45 AM. I know it's before 6 AM if the sky has that lovely hazy color only captured as the sun is rising over the mountains. Since our mornings are pretty relaxed (lounge in bed watching Curious George and nursing) I don't mind that she wakes early. But by early I mean 6:30 because any earlier than that and she is a snotty wreck by 9 AM. Sure enough the moment the clock struck 9 the tears and fits began.

Somehow we managed to get through a couple more hours before....I. Just. Lost. It. Too many tears. Too many hits. Too many kicks. Too many "DOP MAMA!"s (STOP MAMA!)for the day. If you have ever had a toddler you know that there are days. Unwelcome, overtired, cranky, crabby, awful no good days when no matter how many times you look into their eyes and ask for a "nice" voice they just don't even acknowledge you and go right on screaming,  kicking and hitting their way through the day. And on some of those days we mama's just aren't the perfect women we want to be. I picked her fit throwing self up and took her to her bed. After I calmed down a little, a moment was really all I needed, I went in to her with a binky and blankey and told her to lie down and nap. I wiped her snotty nose, but didn't pick her up and nurse her like I normally would have, stroked her wispy hair, and tried to hold back my own tears while she fell into a coma like sleep.

I left her sleeping soundly but couldn't get the pit out of my stomach. "I didn't even nurse her!" was all I could think to myself. Not surprisingly I snuck back in the room, picked up her heavy toddler body and nursed her. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and buried her face into me. This little person makes me weep with love and even now, hours later, I feel so frustrated with myself for losing my cool. I'm not the first mama in the world to get frustrated with their child, of course, but it's not what I want to be as a parent. It's difficult to find patience and love in these situations but what my daughter needs is for me to step outside of my own anger and exhaustion and try to "listen" to what she needs. As a friend once said, their love tank needs to be filled, and then MOST of the time it gets better.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill her love tank up until it is bursting and show her that I can be patient and hold her hand while she lets out her emotions (but, she still can't hit me).
Memorial Day outing to Ikea, one of our favorite mama and Mad day trip destinations.


Jess said...

Oh girl... I feel your pain. We had one of those days yesterday! I can't tell you how many times I had to apologize to Lea. It's hard. I find myself biting my tongue all the time. Hang in there, lady. :)

Gillman said...

That is exactly how our day was yesterday and the day before and probably tomorrow. My boys seem to feeding off my frustrations. Thanks for being such a great example of a patient mama!

Mel said...

Hardly a great example! It's a daily struggle! But thank you Carrie :)

I know the more upset I get the more upset Mad gets. It's an uphill battle when we are in such a bad place.

lapoli said...

Haha - how funny that we both lament our early mornings within a couple of days one another. Why has no one invented the mama early bird chat line yet?!

Does Mad sleep in her own room? Can you maybe make a special box of things to keep her distracted in the morning to give you some extra time?

Mel said...

She does sleep in her own room, almost all the time anyway, but still in a crib. She comes to bed with us first thing, to nurse, and will usually snuggle for a bit and at this stage, since our house is all basically on one level, she is free and able to play on her own for a little bit. In the past we had baskets but once she learned to open doors she would go get toys and bring them back to our room.

Lately though no toy compares to mama. If I watch her do whatever it is she wants to do it's a million times more entertaining than doing it alone. I can't really blame her!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...