Happy Birthday

To my Madeleine,
In just a few hours (well, 12 but I'm going to sleep and you already are so it will FEEL like a few) you will be 3. THREE YEARS OLD! How did this happen? I'm having a lot of mama guilt today because I've been down with mastitis the last 3 days and don't have a single thing to surprise you with in the morning. You can blame brother for trying to look like the good sibling by sleeping so well so early, before mama was ready, since I'm pretty sure that is what got me into this position. Luckily you don't expect anything more than exclamations about it being your real birthday (you like to pretend a lot) and hugs and kisses from me and your brother. Don't worry, I'll make your day special. Every day with you is special my sweet girl, I just don't always appreciate it the way I should. Tomorrow I will, and I hope to remember that more often.

Life with you as a 3 year old is never boring. It never has been, but especially now. I love this video (below this paragraph) because you are talking up a storm not knowing what exactly you are saying. Little did we all know that wouldn't change much. Now if you have stuff to say but can't quite figure out what word to use you just make the noise of the action. Like spitting into the sink after brushing your teeth. You tell us you need to *pfffft* and that is as close to the sound as I can type. It is adorable. Sometimes you make noises you shouldn't know and don't really understand, like today when you told me you were going to *pshew pshew* me, meaning you were pretending to shoot me with a gun. Thanks Tavian, I'm pretty sure I owe that one to you. As well as the *hiya*ing.

I'd like to remember your favorite things right now but......I have no idea what they are. You love life, you love stuff, you love EVERYTHING! Every family member is the best when you are with them, every color of the rainbow is a favorite when you look at it, every toy has their moment, every food is good when you are eating it. You are just full of appreciation and love for life and all the things, and people, in it. Every time we drive past the park you ask if we can stop and go to the park. I never take you, we have all the same things in the backyard but I guess I should. Because you would love it. I have a lot to learn from you little girl. You are FULL of life and ideas and most of all happiness. You laugh and cry and get angry (I know because you tell me so) and every emotion is so vivid with you. Luckily you are most often happy or simply opinionated, hardly every crying or whining, except when fit trowing. I know if I were a better mam to you it would be easier to make all the fits go away. I'll try harder this next year ok? (this video is your first really good laugh, you loved life from the beginning).

Oh Madeleine. Bringing you into this world was not an easy thing for me to do. I don't think it was too easy for you either. But we did it, together, and I'm so happy you are here, my first daughter. My first and forever baby. I love every inch of you and wish I could hold you in my arms right now as I weep while writing this. I hope you remember that, no matter what happens. Your mama loved you so much it made her cry when you were away. Even when she was a grouch she missed you the moment you left her side. That is how amazing you are sweet girl. Happy 3rd birthday. I cannot wait to see how we celebrate together.  (below: an old phone picture of your sweet baby tummy, snoozing on my lap. No wonder you hate to sleep without me ;)

Overdue

I had all kinds of plans to post a lengthy, overly detailed, birth story. That didn't happen and I kind of lost interest in the story. I guess that happens as you move away from birth and into life with your baby. At 3 weeks it feels like old news*snore* and things like poop and throw up are more my current life right now. Exciting! I'm so cool! And interesting! I never leave the house unless it is for the baby!

Anyway, a brief rundown. It was no secret that I wanted a med free labor and delivery. Here is how it went down.
♥ contractions began 10 minutes apart at 4 AM and continue consistently all day.
♥ We ran some last minute errands to pass the time. Mr. Bear liked to shock people by telling them I was in labor. This only happened once but I could tell that he liked it, ok.
♥ Labored intensely at home until 7ish PM then headed to the hospital.
♥ Checked in at 7cm I was feeling like a rock star!
♥ Tub then checked an hour later, 8 1/2 cm
♥ 2 hours after arriving tons of pressure, major panic setting in @ 9 cm
♥ Lots of doubting, baby has been posterior sooooo that = back labor this whole day. I'm tired.
♥ by midnight I'm still at 9 cm and pushing involuntarily but my water still hasn't broken so I ask her to break it in hopes that I can push the baby out within the hour.
♥ Pain. Constant, never ending, intense contractions. Pressure in the wrong area.....I know baby isn't ready to come out.
♥ Pushing on my side/back where I am most comfortable with no change. Still at 9 cm because baby is posterior still and not turning.
♥ Pushing on hands and knees. Nothing.
♥ It's 2 AM. I've been at 9 cm since 10 PM. I yell at everyone a lot and demand an epidural. I am exhausted and cannot move. I know that the baby isn't coming until he turns and that could be hours.
♥ At roughly 3 AM I have the epidural. I'm too tired to be disappointed. Baby's heart rate drops a little but I find a good position for him and fall asleep for 20 minutes.
♥ By 4 AM baby has turned. I credit my nap during which contractions slowed down quite a bit and that is how I will continue to justify giving in to the epidural. Dr. thinks she will need to use forceps, calls backup. She is worried that there is something wrong with baby's position and I might even need a C-Section though the thought never crossed my determined mind.
♥ Pushing.
♥ 4:30 AM more pushing. Dr. says this baby is going to be huge.
♥ 5:04 AM my beautiful baby is born. "It's a boy!" Stephen says. He knew it. He's huge.
♥ 10 lbs 3 oz and cute as a button.

Did I say brief? I suppose this IS brief for me.....

We've been busy living life, too busy to care that things didn't go exactly as I had hoped. Now I feel pretty great and am anxious to drop the excess weight I've been hanging onto for years now. It's hard to be patient. I miss the little kicks inside of me but even waking at night to nurse a baby is easier than sleeping with an enormous painful belly. Jaime fits right in. He complains a lot but doesn't cry too often unless there is no boob when he wants it or someone is holding him who doesn't know how to do the bounce & pat pat system the way mama does. Which means pretty much everyone, except for Gram, and so I do a lot of the holding and calming. I still love him. Mad loves him. I miss giving her all my attention but in all honesty this Summer has been tiring and not that wonderful for mothering so I guess this is better.