It's always a dilemma for you when you meet someone who is good with language and also able to make you laugh. You can enjoy your time with such a person, but the conversations may leave you feeling empty. You want more depth, intensity and passion. Ask, and don't take no for an answer.
Today at lunch we started talking about getting married and somehow it lead to talking about having a baby. “So are you? Desperate to have a baby right now?”. I thought about it and this was/is my answer (though this is a bit more in depth).
No. When I was married the thought of starting a family was all consuming. It was the driving force behind every effort I made in my marriage. It was all I knew. You grew up, got married and had a family. After the big D word I was so afraid I would never have a baby and some sad events that next year made me incredibly lonely for the baby I was sure I would never have (at this time I told my mom that if I wasn’t married by 27 I’d get a sperm donor). Now though, now I have no desire to bring a child into this world. Not now. Why? What could I possibly offer this littler person? Every day would be a struggle for us. I wouldn’t be able to give them a life worth having, not alone.
The conversation ended quickly at that as our lunch was officially over but I wonder what any of those words meant. Does it mean I have lost faith that I would be a good caregiver regardless of the circumstances? Does it mean that I’ve become too selfish? Does it mean that I have begun to think the only way to have a family is the traditional marriage then baby sense (if that was ever the case you should shoot me, because I would never feel that way while sane)?
I don’t really have an end to this because I don’t know the answers to my own questions. Instead of continuing to get lost in these thoughts I am off to a dirty bar for beers and friends and laughter. We won’t talk about the babies we don’t have yet. Or, in my case, the past years of endlessly failing relationships (actually we should make that singular, relationship). We won’t talk about those things because it does no good. Instead, we drink.
Goodbye and goodnight my dears.