Hard To Say Goodbye

After almost 5 weeks of being mommy and partner full time I made the decision to venture out of the house, ALONE, for the first time. Just a quick trip to Target but it seemed like a major life event.



I was in search of a dress for my grandfather's funeral on Saturday; A heartbreaking reason to have to go shopping. I wandered around the store which seemed to be full of tired, crying children and exasperated parents. One little boy stood in the midst of the clearance section screaming, and I do mean screaming, at the top of his lungs. I glanced over to see a very embarrassed mother on her knees with her arms around her son, trying to talk quietly to him, which was proving to be difficult. The screaming continued until she offered a bribe enticing enough to quiet him down and they moved on. All around me babies cried, whined, begged for toys......is this what my future has in store for me??? My break was turning out to be rather traumatizing.

Armed with dresses in sizes so large I was ashamed to be carrying them I made my way into a dressing room, locked the door and looked up to see my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me was a pale, pudgy faced woman with dark circles under her eyes and little red bumps scattered across her neck and chest (thank you whacked out hormones). The plaid shirt I was wearing was ill fitted due to my super sized mom boobs and though I have often gone without makeup or fancy hair the result this day was nothing short of hideous.

Safe to say the tent dresses I was trying on for the funeral didn't work out. Even if I had found a dress my feet are still swollen a size and a half bigger than my pre-pregnancy feet so I had no heels to wear with it. Tired and somewhat depressed I climbed back into a car I no longer felt suited to be driving (fat, frumpy women and red, turbo Audi's don't mix). On the ride home I did what any woman in my super sized shoes would/should do; picked up a large coffee and a donut. The coffee to help me get through the rest of the evening and the donut to give my fat butt the middle finger. Baby Bear was happy to have her milk source home again and I was happy to snuggle with a soft little thing that didn't judge my frazzled appearance.



Today my Grandpa Carter passed away. I know it was his time and I know he was ready to move on from this life but it hurts just the same. He never got to meet my sweet Madeleine; I know he would have loved her, and she him. The last time I saw him we were rushed for time and space in the hospital room and, added to the fact that I am awful with emotions, I didn't say a proper goodbye. I kissed his cheek and held back tears; one can only hope he knew that was my way of letting him know how very much I loved him and how terribly his presence would be missed in my life. I hope one day my girl forgives me for giving her so many names and is proud to carry a piece of her Great-Grandpa Carter with her.



Baby Bear will hear stories of two great-grandparents that passed on shortly before, and shortly after, her birth. A life begins and others end. Thus the circle of life continues.

*Picture from a previous trip to the hospital in December of 2008, taken by Wickenden.