For just a moment tonight I missed my old life. I missed getting up, getting my skinny butt into skinny jeans, and going out. I missed drinking like a fish. Yes, I missed being Tequila Melissa.
Lately the winter has been taking a toll on me. I go a little stir crazy and I get really lazy. I haven't put the laundry I actually DO wash away for weeks. WEEKS! So when The Bear called me tonight on his way home from a big "Meet & Greet" party for work, and told me that he saw some of my old friends, I realized that they were there baby free. Not thinking or worrying about anything in life but that moment. They were drinking without counting the hours in their head between that second and when their infant would be up and hollering for mama's milk, from the tap only, please and thank you. They were laughing at something other than a baby tooting and rolling around naked. They weren't depressed about not having lost the baby weight. And I just missed that. So much. I missed knowing myself as someone other than "mama" for once. How would it be to wake up one morning and think about myself? To stretch out and take a long lazy shower without craning my neck out the bathroom door to listen for baby cries? To need a nap because I was out having fun the night before and not because I woke up every hour to nurse a fussy baby? To not loath the body I am left with post-child birth?
I know how it would be. It would be lonely. Quiet. Empty. When I was single those things were OK. But it ISN'T baby fat rolls and rumbling bottoms. And it isn't popping my head out the bathroom door mid-shower to hear a baby jabbering to herself in a sing song voice. It isn't kisses on the back of soft necks. Or getting drunk off the scent of a freshly bathed baby. It isn't crawling in bed after a long, exhausting, day with an energetic and short tempered 5 month old and watching her chest rise and fall as she sleeps next to me and feeling so much love my heart could explode. Nope.
So take your Tequila shots and your loud parties. Take your work events and stimulating conversation. I'll stay home and savor the baby talk while it lasts. I'll snuggle and soothe and rock. I'll be the mama and save Tequila Melissa for a couple years down the road when Mr. Bear takes me on a cruise and I miss my baby so much I have to drink away my worries.
But I still hate my body even if it did shelter my beautiful baby for 42 weeks!