I'm tired. Not just tonight. I'm physically exhausted every single day. Baby Bear is restless. I'm restless too. We get so bored in this condo but it's impossible to leave for more than short periods of time and when you have to drive to get anywhere you either sacrifice a nap or come and go multiple times a day. Either option is exhausting. If you've ever hauled a 17 lbs baby in and out of the car 4 times in one day or dealt with an over tired baby for hours on end you'll understand what I mean. If you haven't then I probably just sound fat and lazy.
I'm learning what I guess I always knew and never really appreciated with my own mother. Mamas don't get a day off. No sick day. No vacation day. No holiday. I'm on duty even when I'm off duty and lately my shifts are a lot more demanding. A little one who is ready to move but can't yet keeps me on my toes and keeps my hands full. Baby Bear wants to be going going going every second that she is not sleeping. She has endless energy when she is awake and her toys simply do not entertain her the way they used to. We will read every book in the house. twice. and she'll still look up at me expectantly as if to say, "Ok? Now what? That can't be all you've got woman!". So we'll move to another room, pull out a different basket of toys and books and go through those until she starts to whine with her bored disapproval.
Today, while Baby Bear and I shopped at Target for groceries, I swung into the baby toy aisle looking for something new and more challenging than the blocks and rattles she tires of quickly these days. I guess I wasn't paying attention when my daughter rolled her eyes and told me those toys were SOOOOO 2 weeks ago. My bad. I am not kidding when I say that her eyes got big and round with awe as I paced up and down the aisle examining each toy for her age group, checking the price, seeing what sounds it made, thinking if her little hands could do those tasks yet, trying to imagine if it would last more than 2 minutes before being tossed aside. Finally after I'd gone back and forth multiple times she let out a squawk of excitement/impatience, her little feet twirling around and around, arms waggling as if to say, "Please for the love of God woman pick a damn toy"! I settled on a phone slash piano (it flipped over from one to the other) that was reasonably priced and not too huge. When I pulled it out for her at home she banged on the keypad with delight and made lovely music on the little keyboard. When I showed her how to pick the phone the first thing she did was try to shove the entire piece into her mouth. Yep, just as I thought. Maybe now my Iphone won't be covered in slobber when I turn my back for two seconds.
So, I'm tired, but happy. Happy that my baby girl is growing into a smart, fun, busy little person. Sad that she it is all happening so fast though. I admit that instead of more rigid sleep training I've started nursing her to drowsiness and then snuggling her on my chest until she's fast asleep. These moments are just passing too quickly to leave her before she's sleeping. In the past she preferred to go down on her own without me crowding her personal space (oh such her mama's girl in that way). Now I think we both need a little extra cuddling to calm down from the busy days. I hold her and let her wispy hair tickle my face. She smells so yummy and feels so warm and soft against my body. I remember nursing her during those first weeks, in the wee hours of the night, and trying to remember exactly how small she looked in my arms. Now she fills my entire lap with her long chubby limbs and her head seems so big on my chest (hard to believe that it was once smaller than just one side of my "chest" ;). I love to see her grow...but oh boy does it break my heart.