Today, after lunch with some girlfriends, Mad and I went to get a little chocolate treat. Oh, wait, did I just admit to slipping on my no sugar rule? Yes, yes I did but it was only a little and mother nature was telling my body I needed it. In the form of cramps and tears. Nuff said.
It was cold, but not too cold, and the streets in the little outdoor shopping plaza were closed off for construction. My arms were full of baby, leftovers from lunch, bag of chocolate, and bulky diaper bag so I set Mad down to walk beside me on her own. She.was.thrilled! She walks all over at home but rarely outside. The park has lots of curbs that cause falls but this, this was just a big empty space, with lots of people and noises and fun new things to explore. Looking down at my daughter I smiled and enjoyed the lazy walk to the car. She squealed at her reflection in the windows, she tested out all the benches, she swung her little arms as she toddled up and down the little streets and sidewalks. In fact, she was so happy walking that she didn't even notice to pull her coat hood off. Point for me!
Last night I had an emotional breakdown and cried and cried. Somewhere in my mind I imagine that a good mother doesn't have to try as hard as I do to be a "good mother". Me, I have to try constantly. I wish it was easy to wake up at the crack of dawn just because I know I get to spend the day with my girl, but it isn't and I usually put off getting out of bed for as long as she'll snuggle quietly with me (thank you Curious George!). I'm sure there are lots of good mothers out there who didn't put off cleaning their bedrooms and bathrooms of toys so they could browse cloth diaper products online. A good mother wouldn't have to focus constantly on how much cleaning they do....and have a cluttered house to show for it. Most women probably cook a whole meal without requiring daddy to entertain the little one. I also would bet that they don't spill the pepper all over the floor and set the fire alarm off on a regular basis. That's just how I do things in this house. Don't be jealous because you don't have to try as hard as I do.
I might not be naturally perfect, but my child is. And I'm telling you, it takes no effort whatsoever to love the hell out of her. Also, I don't think it takes her any effort to be crazy awesome all the time. I mean, she walks around with her shirt pulled up over her round belly tickling herself. That is the definition of crazy awesome. She also roars at strangers in public. That is the alternative definition.