Enjoying This Moment

I spent the last 24 hours in the hell that is (probably) food poisoning or a 24 hour flu. I haven't thrown up that much since I was a kid. Hell. Seriously. Thanks to my sweet Mr. Bear I have a clean house and today I am relaxing and totally enjoying this.....

In lieu of any real sort of post for the past week (making up for it after the fact?) I thought I'd send you all over to one of my regular reads to a post about parenting. Somewhat related to the "clean house" statement I just made. Normally I really like Cjane's ideas, for as different as we may see the world (she also happens to be related to one of my absolute most favorite college teachers so that gives her a leg up in my book), but this particular post I somewhat disagree with.

 Particularly the first and last quotes she mentioned.....for as much as I try to get things done around my home I value time spent with my daughter a lot more than I value time spent scrubbing kitchen counters or having an immaculate garden. A clean house is a happy house, YES, but I will clean my house every day, (practically) for the rest of my life, and I only have a few years where my baby will want me to color alongside her all morning long. Plus, even for someone like me who has a child that wants to be attended to almost constantly, there are plenty of hours where I am hands free. Morning play (when she doesn't seem to notice her solitude), naps, kitchen cleaning while she eats (sssssllllloooooowwwwwly!), and bed time. If I WANT to get it all I can, maybe not as perfectly as I would always like, but, clean enough. Usually I'm the one holding myself back (lazy much?). Anyway, maybe it's an excuse to get out of constant chores but I know very few women (none actually, but I'm sure they are out there), with all their children grown and gone, that don't wish they would have put the cleaning aside to really enjoy their babies more often. I don't want to have that regret.

Avoiding

Avoiding. Lately that's all I've been doing.

Like now. I'm justifying sitting at the computer during nap time because :
♥ The kitchen is (mostly) clean
♥ I've already decided against washing my hair today (should I have kept that a secret? Probably not because if you see me out in public you'll be able to tell by looking at my rat's nest!)
♥ I made the bed once this week and that is enough
♥  I just don't feel all that pressed to do anything above and beyond today

The reality is :

♥ I need to clean up my morning coffee mess (french press, while delicious beyond measure, does not make itself nor does it tidy up on it's own when I am done)
♥ I am always happier with a made bed, plus I'm less likely to get BACK IN bed if it looks pretty ♥ Laundry is, as always, piled up waiting to be attended to
♥ and basically there a millions of things I've been avoiding this week that need to be done

The reason almost all my blogging references cleaning, or not cleaning, is because when that is NOT what I want to be doing I generally end up here. Hoping I'll convince myself to do what needs to be done.

I don't consider myself a lazy person but, oh boy, have I been lazy lately! It started with a cold that last way too long. Now I've been feeling really un-rested and sore every morning (I can't find a good sleep position!) which makes me drag all morning. Once afternoon hits Miss Mad wants nothing more than for me to hold her or sit quietly and watch her do what she does (make messes). I know I sound like a broken record, I'm sorry! I want sun and more energy, is that too much to ask???

Truthfully I think it all really does have to do with the cold (weather not sickness, but that too I guess). It gets me down when the end of April is just around the corner and I am stuck inside with grey skies staring at me through the windows. Mad begs to play outside every time she passes the back door. My gardens are overrun with weeds that I ignored last fall when it started to get out of control. My body aches with lack of exercise (walks to the park anyone?).

So, I've been doing you all a favor by not writing more often. If I did it would all read exactly like the last dozen posts. I'll be better! Don't leave ok? I promise to be more interesting. In fact, The Bear and I have a delightful trip planned to (somewhere) in California to drink wine and be merry. I won't blog, yet, about how much I know I'll miss my Baby Bear and how I'm a little scared that she'll be sad without me. Because, and this is me not blogging about missing her, she and I have been really attached lately. She's my little buddy. See?

Basically.....

♥ my head hurts
♥ I'm tired
♥ I'm cold
♥ my teeth want to be brushed
♥ my head hurts
♥ shiz needs cleaning....like whoa
♥ laundry baskets!!! (like, I'm being attacked)
♥ messy refrigerator!!! (cue murder scene music)
♥ un-made bed!!! (blood on the bathroom floor)
♥ my head hurts (even more from the exclamations)
♥ the dog needs training....weeks ago
♥ I ate a cookie tonight
♥ more than one.
♥ I miss Mads when she sleeps

BUT....

♥ I have a soft pillow to put my aching head on to sleep
♥ our blankets are warm and cozy
♥ Sonicare!!! (like a welcome home sign at the airport exclamation)
♥ our pantry is full of over the counter pain killers
♥ when cleaned this shiz will look beautiful.....like, double whoa
♥ if I never clean it it's still pretty awesome
♥ laundry baskets are good for playing in with Mads when emptied (onto the floor)
♥ refrigerator full of food!!! (puppies being adorable exclamation)
♥ messy beds are still comfy
♥ headaches go away. almost always.
♥ my dog sleeps with/looks adorable with pillow pets. all on his own
♥ the more cookies you eat the less the calories count (?????right?????)
♥ Mad fell asleep in my bed and we snugged for a bit
♥ also, she looks like this.....

Look at me. Being all venty and positive in the same post. And have awesome punctuation skills that make tons of sense. All reasons why I read my own blog. I need to go eat some more cookies so I will hopefully have lost some weight in the morning.

By the way, if you're wondering, yes her tummy is exactly that sweet, her leg rolls beg to be pinched, she can accessorize her own hair thankyouverymuch so that's why it looks like I never do it. Cause I don't.

Cooking & Cleaning DID Wait

The house smells clean. Clean because it is actually super clean and clean like a Scentsy smell clean. I love both types. My baby bear is better after a couple days of a nasty nasty cold, though her nose and cheeks are red and raw from all the epic snot wiping, and sleeping blissfully in her bed. The dog is snoozing on the freshly cleaned couch, Mr. Bear is using him as an armrest. Christmas is 100% taken down (well, 99% if you count the garland sitting in the hallway upstairs where you can't even see so it's basically considered put away). The bathroom is freshly organized. The huge piles of holiday laundry, diapers and clothing, are soooooo close to being done. I'm in my jammies and slippers.

Basically life would be perfect if I were drinking a glass of wine, instead of bloating beer, and if the few loads of laundry, diapers AND clothing, would fold themselves. But it's worth it to at least have SOMETHING to drink (which makes me sound like an alchy, I'm not, I swear it was just one of those days/nights) and to have a perfectly clean closet with perfectly clean clothes. I won't focus on how, after our two week peppermint shake binge, those clothes all fit just a little worse than they were fitting pre-Christmas.

Tomorrow The Bear ends his two week, almost completely work free, vaca. That is nearly impossible for him and to tell you the truth I don't think we've ever spent this much time together without constant work interruptions. It's been incredible.

This week feels busy. Not because it is ACTUALLY busy but because I can't help but mentally fill it up with things I want/need to get done. I do have a couple appointments but I have a mile long list of projects I want to start RIGHT THIS MINUTE. That attitude usually exhausts me to the point of not completing a single thing. It's also the reason I have spray paint sitting in my garage and several frames sitting, NOT hanging, at the top of my coat closet. Maybe I should start with finishing what I've actually started before I start something new? Not likely.

Now it's off to fold the dreaded laundry and hopefully get to bed before the little one wakes and demands some middle of the night snuggles. Here's a random picture. I love her face to death and want to kiss it right now. This is also my favorite diaper right now. Doncha just love it?

Tea and Crumpets

Today, after lunch with some girlfriends, Mad and I went to get a little chocolate treat. Oh, wait, did I just admit to slipping on my no sugar rule? Yes, yes I did but it was only a little and mother nature was telling my body I needed it. In the form of cramps and tears. Nuff said.

It was cold, but not too cold, and the streets in the little outdoor shopping plaza were closed off for construction. My arms were full of baby, leftovers from lunch, bag of chocolate, and bulky diaper bag so I set Mad down to walk beside me on her own. She.was.thrilled! She walks all over at home but rarely outside. The park has lots of curbs that cause falls but this, this was just a big empty space, with lots of people and noises and fun new things to explore. Looking down at my daughter I smiled and enjoyed the lazy walk to the car. She squealed at her reflection in the windows, she tested out all the benches, she swung her little arms as she toddled up and down the little streets and sidewalks. In fact, she was so happy walking that she didn't even notice to pull her coat hood off. Point for me!


Last night I had an emotional breakdown and cried and cried. Somewhere in my mind I imagine that a good mother doesn't have to try as hard as I do to be a "good mother". Me, I have to try constantly. I wish it was easy to wake up at the crack of dawn just because I know I get to spend the day with my girl, but it isn't and I usually put off getting out of bed for as long as she'll snuggle quietly with me (thank you Curious George!). I'm sure there are lots of good mothers out there who didn't put off cleaning their bedrooms and bathrooms of toys so they could browse cloth diaper products online. A good mother wouldn't have to focus constantly on how much cleaning they do....and have a cluttered house to show for it. Most women probably cook a whole meal without requiring daddy to entertain the little one. I also would bet that they don't spill the pepper all over the floor and set the fire alarm off on a regular basis. That's just how I do things in this house. Don't be jealous because you don't have to try as hard as I do.

I might not be naturally perfect, but my child is. And I'm telling you, it takes no effort whatsoever to love the hell out of her. Also, I don't think it takes her any effort to be crazy awesome all the time. I mean, she walks around with her shirt pulled up over her round belly tickling herself. That is the definition of crazy awesome. She also roars at strangers in public. That is the alternative definition.

Miles of Piles

It's late...for me anyway.....and I have a gigantic pile of towels to fold.....and they are still sitting in the same place I put them first thing this morning, right on the couch, next to the spot that I have planted my lazy self, NOT folded. To be exact there are 5 folded towels. Only 20 million to go.

The Bear was tired and headed off to bed almost an hour ago. Right now he is snoring so loudly that I can hear him through the wall and closed doors (guess this means I won't be joining him any time soon since sleeping next to a snoring bear is nearly impossible). On the bed next to him is a huge pile of clothes that I threw there this morning and never put away. Do you see a pattern?

I also have jeans in the dryer and a tub full of soaking diapers that need to be moved to the washer. Diapers that haven't been used since basically the day we moved in to the new house. Something about two weeks of baby diarrhea (TMI!) which then turned into a consistent 3 poops a day-er baby, a broken diaper sprayer, & super funky smelling dipes from too much hard water and terrible washing habits. Excuses that are all as stinky as my diapers but I've felt a little buried lately. Not to mention fighting against an Angryatclothdiapers Bear who has been less than enthusiastic (but I love him anyway) toward my cloth since we moved in. Pretty sure he sabotaged my diaper sprayer (love you Mr. Bear, if you even read my blog anymore!).

So instead of doing all this folding of laundry that is basically BEGGING to be done....I'm reading craft/design blogs. Yep. And oogling over all the projects I'll probably never do but really wish I could. My most crafty project since the move has been a couple of picture frames and a letter "T" that I finished to go over the mantle. Even that took me about 3 days longer than it should have. Sitting on top of my dryer is an unfinished shelf for Baby Bear's bedroom that is entirely lacking in the decor department. I swore I would have this finished before her birthday when all the family is here to view how much I haven't done to the place. I am a sad un-crafty mama. Other crafts on my list? An Autumn yarn wreath for the front door & a book wreath for the empty library/"formal" living room. I say "formal" because nothing in my life will ever be successfully formal, I'm just not that classy.

/tangent. I think the snoring has gotten quieter so I really am going to fold these towels so I can sneak into bed. Hopefully without disturbing The Bear's sleep.

You Have it & Then You Don't

Truly it has been an overwhelming feat getting adjusted and settled, neither of which I've done completely yet. Each morning I'm pulled in 3 directions. Play with baby, clean the house, or organize and unpack what is left in boxes. There is so much to do every day that I just start everything at once. We play on the floor for two minutes before I plop Baby Bear into her high chair and get out some breakfast dishes. Then I fold the laundry, after giving Baby something to make noise with of course, wash two dishes, and finish breakfast. When Baby Bear goes down for her first nap I am pulled in two more directions. Finish the chores I halfheartedly started, or shower because, lets be honest I look pretty awful. Before I realize what exactly I'm doing I find myself outside dressed in cotton shorts, my night nursing bra hanging out of a tank top, and an over sized cardigan, watering our practically dead trees. Once the trees are watered (thank God I took care of that urgent chore!?) I go into overdrive trying to finish what I started.

I won't lie, my house looks incredible for, oh, about 10 minutes every day. But don't you know that once you clean a mess up it's cause for making another? It's true. Breakfast mess gives way to lunch mess which is simply a prelude to the massive dinner mess. I can get the first two cleaned up fairly quickly and the third I'm working on. Working really hard, can't you tell? I suppose I should congratulate myself on making meals at all! The last couple of months, er since I was about 5 months pregnant, I've been slacking in the cooking department. I've made a small handful of meals but in truth The Bear has really been doing the bulk of the cooking or we have just been eating out. No more. I am truly striving to be the perfect housewife & mother. Next thing you know I'll be wearing dresses and low kitten heels while I cook in my lacy apron instead of too big rolled up jeans and a t-shirt that accentuates my postpartum belly.

I want to be that woman who has a hot meal ready when her man walks through the door. But who the hell are those women anyway? Robots? Do their babies not demand attention? Do they have a magical shower that also cooks meals and does laundry when you turn them on? Maybe I've yet to master the art of manipulating space and time. Could someone please send me that "how to" book? I keep reassuring myself that I'll get the hang of it, That I won't feel like I have to constantly choose between a shower and a clean house, time with my daughter or cooking a fresh healthy meal, sanity or complete and total INSANITY! Alas, today I am still struggling to figure it out. A hot shower not followed up by hair styling, a meal that took far too long and tasted far too mediocre, folded laundry that never found its way to the closet. I suppose I now know where to start tomorrow morning.......

*Here are some pics of Baby this last week. And no, I don't usually leave remotes and cords hanging around. Oh the joys of unpacking!