Saturday, October 6, 2012

At the End of the Day

I could probably read back to my posting after Mad was born and read the same things that I feel like I want to write today.

Well, SOME of the same things. Because to be honest moving from 1 to 2 babies (ssssshhhhh Mad is absolutely still my baby, her hands are still a little chubby) is so so so much easier than moving from alcoholic zero babies and zero clue to life with a child. I can't say I know what I'm doing, because I'm not sure if I ever will, but I definitely feel more confidence in just jumping into the unknown that is raising children. Before it was a jump from complete selfishness to absolute selflessness....for the rest of my life.
Not TOO hard to be selfless when your babies are this adorable
Anyway, lately I'm just feeling the weight of every choice I make with my time. In the morning I could snuggle more in bed making my baby laugh, letting Mad climb on me and trying not to grouch at her (my body is soooore in the mornings, why? shouldn't I feel rested?), and just being warm and snuggly with my family. OR I could shower, God knows it will take hours before I catch the right 20 minute time frame if I wait. OR I could workout. Because I'm fat. And I hate that. And I know my husband doesn't hate my body but wants me to be healthy, as I want him to be healthy. OR I could just get up and stop avoiding the inevitable, make some breakfast and pour some coffee into my desperately exhausted body.
Seriously, a must have for my mornings no matter how they begin
 Those all make for a difficult choice to start out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Yesterday I chose to shower. Oh it was a good shower. I find my days are a lot more functional if I start them fully dressed. I'm a lot less likely to take a nap if I've already gotten ready and honestly I don't have time for naps anymore (something I imagined doing all the time when I was pregnant). Today I decided, with my AngryBear's support, to take an hour for myself and run down to Starbucks for coffee. It was nice and I wish I could do that more often. Turn my mama self off for a few minutes, I mean.

The choices continue throughout the day. Hold the baby when he is happy and cooing and melt at his perfection or let him play on his play mat during the only time he'll tolerate it so I can sit with Mad and read The Berenstain Bears books that she is so obsessed with lately. Eat lunch or switch the laundry. Fold that laundry or do anything other than fold the laundry. As an aside, I almost always choose the latter on that one because I hate folding laundry. So the clothes sit in their baskets for a couple days until I just dump it all onto the bed and put it away while wondering why I put it off so long; it is never as bad as I imagine it to be. Anyway, I really do feel like I'm rolling with things a lot better than I did when I had Mad but I'm always feeling like the way I choose to spend my time is the wrong way. My house could be cleaner, more organized and decorated. My kids could be happier and more fufilled with true quality time more often. My body could ache a little less and look a whole lot better.....I just don't have time for it all. 
She's a spaz. And she needs lots of mama attention or she is crazy. it, so much, and it takes up a HUGE chunk of my day.

Dreaded laundry piles. But cute baskets.

Found time for a day date with my babies and my mama.

Made time for a hair cut....with lots of tears involved.

No one else in this picture is worried about getting things done.....

5 days a week goal for making my bed.

At the end of the day I just want to know what choice I can make that will help me with my patience levels. Something I'm really struggling with lately. The End.

Oh wait, I never posted a 1 month post for my sweet baby. Good thing they aren't really doing anything at 1 month. Except getting fat. My sweet boy is getting soooo fat and I love it.
He's my fatty fat fat and I love to kiss him.

1 comment:

Gillman said...

You look amazing Melissa! I know it's hard to feel like ya do after having a baby, but really you look great. And oh my goodness his chub is soo cute! I love that pictue of Maddie snuggling with her brother. You are a very good mama and I look up to you and your parenting.


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