Year in Review (in pictures) : Part One

I'd like to take just a moment to review the past 12 months, since some of them have been the most memorable. I can't deny that 2009 has been my favorite year yet. Because it is SOOOO picture heavy (lots of never before seen pictures of my very pregnant body!) I'll do this in 2 parts. Today, January-June.

♥ January ♥ Mr. Bear and I found out that we had our little Baby Bear on the way. I was nervous but The Bear was wonderful, as always. My Grandpa was in the hospital with Pneumonia and my mom and I went to visit him. Spent lots of quality time with my sweet niece and nephew (practice for my own? Mostly I just love being with them!)





♥ February ♥ Went for long drives with Mr. Bear. Welcomed a new little Puggy into the family. Mr. Bear took me to Cali to visit some friends. I was feeling extra shitty this trip but it was a welcome vacation. Please notice how SKINNY I was. Ugh, and this was after I'd gained almost 10 lbs. *sigh* miss being thin. Celebrated my Grandpa's birthday. We were so happy to have him out of the hospital and doing well.









♥ March ♥ March must have been very uneventful because I only have 4 pictures, and none of them representing anything significant....I suppose being pregnant (and still keeping it a secret from almost everyone!) was a bit of a buzz kill. I think in March I was still going through Tequila withdrawls. It would get easier but at the time I know I was dreading a Summer with no margarita!



&hears; April ♥ April was birthday month. Dad, Amy, Cait, & Tina. Happy Birthday's! It is also the month we decided to put our condo up for sale and buy a town house. We got an offer but changed our minds and decided to stay put until we could save for a house in an area we'd rather live long term (*ahem* Sugarhouse). This must have been the month we told my family about the baby (they were happy) because I was pretty chubby at this point. Mostly The Bear and I spent a lot of time together. I loved his Angry Bear face more every day, and still do.







♥ May ♥ We were delighted to hear that our Baby Bear, or "Alien" as we were calling her at the time, was expected to be a GIRL! I thought it was a boy and during the ultrasound we made a bet that whoever was wrong had to buy the other dinner of their choice. Mr. Bear let me take him for Sushi, a nice compromise. May was my first un-official Mother's Day. The first of many to come. Also, The Bear turned 31! Woo, he sure is getting old. At the end of the month we went to Vegas for the weekend to meet some of The Bear's friends. Let's just say that walking the strip fat, swollen, pregnant, and stone cold sober is not that delightful. But I did have some delicious carrot cake and we discovered the most amazing hotel that has the biggest bath tub in the world! (I'm amazed I am posting this Vegas picture because I look awful and at the time I cried when I saw how fat my arms were....of course I continued to grow and right about now my arms in that picture look pretty damn good!)









♥ June ♥ I got really fat this month with only 3 1/2 to go before the baby arrived. I also began what ended up being a very long decorating process for such a tiny room. My first baby love, niece Ayla, turned 6. Why does she keep getting bigger?!?







July-December to come in the next day or so.

*Yawn*

I sat down at the computer at 9:00 intending to do.....nothing. To wait for my diapers to soak, to wait for my laundry to dry, to listen for my baby and hope she sleeps late into the night (or early into the morning) before she wakes to nurse, to ignore the quiet of a house void of Mr. Bear. Now it is 11:30. My diapers are STILL soaking (has it ever taken this long???), my other laundry is finished drying but I truly do not want to get up and fold all the millions of baby sized items, the wee one is still sound asleep, and...the house is still quiet and void of my love.

Life is good despite the cold and dark of winter. Though I do wish it was warm so I could pack up my darling and go find a shady spot to play and enjoy the Earth. If it is only December and it has only begun to snow then how will I feel when the misery that is February hits? February is misery because it is bone cold. The ground has forgotten what heat is and has all but given up on living. But, February means March is on the horizon which means April showers are not so far away. And although we'll likely get some snow in April (thank you Utah) it will mostly be warm. Warm enough for walks and daydreams of Summer! So, I suppose I would take February over December. Life is still good though. I have my daughter. I have The Bear, even if he has spent more of December away from me than he has with me, or it feels that way. Work is a pest but I am glad for it anyway.

I'm tired but I keep thinking I'll go get that warm laundry and do my duty. On the other hand....I rarely get quiet to myself so perhaps I should enjoy it? Likely I'll give into the tired and crawl in bed, my sleeping sweetheart barely an arms reach away, and get what rest I can. I do love to lie in the dark and listen to her little sighs. To reach over and place my hand on her chest when she stirs.

Tomorrow is another day with more life to face. I savor the goodness that is my own.

Happy

An anniversary and a birthday. I'm not much for celebrating holidays, or my age, but Mr. Bear always enjoys both....and I enjoy eating so I let him take me out to dinner on both nights. Grammy came to watch Baby Bear and Stephen and I enjoyed the peace and quiet we'd all but forgotten about during the last 5 weeks.



A year ago I had no idea that I would be spending my nights awake with the sweetest little bear I've ever laid eyes on. I didn't know how happy The Bear and I would still be together. I guess it's safe to say I didn't know my whole world would be different, and I'm sure glad that was the case because I don't think I would have appreciated it all as much if I'd known in advance. I always said that 27 was the magical baby age, that if I didn't have one by that time I would find a way to make it happen, even if it was on my own. Thankfully I didn't have to do it alone. It's just a guess but I think it would be a lot harder, and more lonely, without him.

*I'm posting this late....way late...but better late than never eh?

Hard To Say Goodbye

After almost 5 weeks of being mommy and partner full time I made the decision to venture out of the house, ALONE, for the first time. Just a quick trip to Target but it seemed like a major life event.



I was in search of a dress for my grandfather's funeral on Saturday; A heartbreaking reason to have to go shopping. I wandered around the store which seemed to be full of tired, crying children and exasperated parents. One little boy stood in the midst of the clearance section screaming, and I do mean screaming, at the top of his lungs. I glanced over to see a very embarrassed mother on her knees with her arms around her son, trying to talk quietly to him, which was proving to be difficult. The screaming continued until she offered a bribe enticing enough to quiet him down and they moved on. All around me babies cried, whined, begged for toys......is this what my future has in store for me??? My break was turning out to be rather traumatizing.

Armed with dresses in sizes so large I was ashamed to be carrying them I made my way into a dressing room, locked the door and looked up to see my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me was a pale, pudgy faced woman with dark circles under her eyes and little red bumps scattered across her neck and chest (thank you whacked out hormones). The plaid shirt I was wearing was ill fitted due to my super sized mom boobs and though I have often gone without makeup or fancy hair the result this day was nothing short of hideous.

Safe to say the tent dresses I was trying on for the funeral didn't work out. Even if I had found a dress my feet are still swollen a size and a half bigger than my pre-pregnancy feet so I had no heels to wear with it. Tired and somewhat depressed I climbed back into a car I no longer felt suited to be driving (fat, frumpy women and red, turbo Audi's don't mix). On the ride home I did what any woman in my super sized shoes would/should do; picked up a large coffee and a donut. The coffee to help me get through the rest of the evening and the donut to give my fat butt the middle finger. Baby Bear was happy to have her milk source home again and I was happy to snuggle with a soft little thing that didn't judge my frazzled appearance.



Today my Grandpa Carter passed away. I know it was his time and I know he was ready to move on from this life but it hurts just the same. He never got to meet my sweet Madeleine; I know he would have loved her, and she him. The last time I saw him we were rushed for time and space in the hospital room and, added to the fact that I am awful with emotions, I didn't say a proper goodbye. I kissed his cheek and held back tears; one can only hope he knew that was my way of letting him know how very much I loved him and how terribly his presence would be missed in my life. I hope one day my girl forgives me for giving her so many names and is proud to carry a piece of her Great-Grandpa Carter with her.



Baby Bear will hear stories of two great-grandparents that passed on shortly before, and shortly after, her birth. A life begins and others end. Thus the circle of life continues.

*Picture from a previous trip to the hospital in December of 2008, taken by Wickenden.

In The Moment

The house is quiet save a few little "mews" from my Baby Bear sleeping away in her swing. Desperate for 10 minutes in a hot shower I plopped her in the swing, something that makes me feel like a terrible & lazy mom, and after a few minutes of watching the rotating lambs she dozed off to sleep. I got a whole shower AND I got to dry my hair. AND I got to put her laundry away. The laundry that was piled up on the guest bed in her nursery/the room we use to change her diapers. How is it that one teeny tiny child can have so much damn laundry? It's unbelievable.



Now I'm exhausted and, although I know it's time for her to wake and have some lunch (isn't it lovely the way my body is a personal meal alarm?), I'm letting her doze a moment longer so I can sit and write....and enjoy the quiet. Instead of writing I could clean, God knows there is a lot of that to do, but the past month has been one huge moment of exhaustion for me and I am finding that a mother never gets to enjoy time to herself. So here I am. Enjoying it. Or trying to anyway.

In just a few days Mr. Bear and I will break* from our life as parents to spend our anniversary alone together. Welcoming this new year, one where I am not pregnant and growing fatter every day, is something I am very much looking forward to. I know that the coming months hold many unexpected events for me and my head is spinning with the thought that I am living a life so very different than the one I was living a year ago. You'd think that just becoming a mother would be life changing enough....but at the possibility of moving my entire professional direction altogether I am beginning to think my parenting position is the most normal of all the changes I'm facing. Lucky for me I am not alone in this. Having The Bear to support me relieves a weight from my shoulders, though I can't imagine he knows how hard it is for me right now. So, as I was saying, we will take our time this week to remember how much we love each other. And we do, Good God how I love that man. Now I can only hope some miracle presents itself so that his anniversary gift arrives on time....though I'm doubting it will.



Alas, my quiet time really must come to an end. Baby Bear needs the nourishment only I can provide.....and in a way I need it too.

*break....for a few hours. Not a whole day or night. God, I can't even imagine that right now. Although my mother would be thrilled if we did ask her to stay the night with the wee one. And Mr. Bear would be thrilled to experience an entire nights sleep for the first time in a month....but he's going out of town on business next week and for that he can just SUCK IT. Yep. I said it. Anyway, yes a few hours of break, which for me is enough.

Bring Back That Lovin Feeling

My hair feels dirty even though I shower every day. My arms and shoulders smell of milk and spit up. My shirts and bras are all spotted with milk stains, my bed sheets follow the same pattern. Next to me is a little, tiny, snoring baby, looking as innocent as can be. Her little chest rising and falling, her sweet lips twitching into a smile from time to time, the sweetest little bundle you've ever seen. She's napping well, I'm sure, due to the fact that all night long she grumbled and complained, squirmed and twisted, sleeping fitfully in her mama's arms (since she had no desire to sleep in her own bed of course) and wearing herself out. And me. Yes, don't forget about me. I'm tired too! And cranky on top of that. And it's only Tuesday.

Now it's nearly 4 hours later......Baby Bear woke, ate, snuggled, and now she is back in her favorite place; the soft spot in the middle of our king sized bed, head resting on a pillow while I'm here to watch her, close to her mama but comfy in her own space. Why can't night time be so easy? The little pill likes to stay awake for an hour or more every time she wakes up to eat, and she nurses terribly at night. This is all new for us as the last two weeks had been pretty good at night. So we're hoping it's just a phase. Or I'm hoping anyway.

I try to find patience during these late nights and early mornings though it's not always easy. Early this morning, while she hollered at my boob for not making her food come faster and easier, while she flailed her arms around and head butted my chest in her own frustration, I sighed loudly and said her name very sternly. It was a real parent moment come to soon. She jerked her head up to look at me, her eyes wide open and blinking as if to say, "Yes mother? Is there a problem?", and my heart melted just a little. Mostly I felt bad for scolding her even though she doesn't know her name and was just reacting to the noise not knowing what it meant. I don't suppose it gets any easier from here. One day, too soon I'm sure, she will know what it means when I say her name that way. She will look at me with her sparkly eyes and wonder why I'm such a mean cranky parent. And I'm sure my heart will break then too. Or maybe she'll have been so terrible I won't feel bad at all....but I'm not counting on it, and I'm not looking forward to it either.

Oh Baby Bear. Please stay little forever. But.....learn how to nurse and sleep at night the same way you do in the afternoons. Also, I can't believe you're almost 1 month old! We picked pumpkins last night for your first Halloween. It was cold and mama is still fat but here we are! /yet another mommy bloggeresque post

Nap & Milkstains : The Aftermath

When I found out I was pregnant at the end of January I reluctantly went to Barnes & Noble to buy some pregnancy literature. At only 6 or so weeks pregnant I still didn't FEEL like I was carrying a miniature little seedling inside of me so when the cashier asked me if the book was for me I told him quickly that, no, it was for my sister who was expecting. "Oh, well, kids are great", he said with a smile. I walked out of the store feeling uncomfortable (and really, what business did he have asking me such a personal question anyway?) and unsure of this new title in my life. Pregnant. What did this mean for my life as I knew it? So I began reading my book. What to Expect...I'm sure you've heard of it and, chances are, if you've been pregnant before you've read it too. Week after week month after month I read. By month 9 I was an expert, or so I thought.

Whatever mention there had been of the post-pregnancy experience I must have skipped over because I literally had NO idea what I would be getting. It's been nearly two weeks. Two weeks of beautiful frustration. Two weeks of naps and milk stains. Two weeks of tears. Two weeks of kissing soft cheeks. Two weeks of tiny hands reaching for my fingers. Two weeks of loving this absolutely perfect child that I created with The Bear and carried for 41 weeks. These are the moments I didn't know I had been waiting for.



Our little Baby Bear is delightful, there is no other way to describe it. Her sweet stares while she is awake, cooing, and wiggly arms are worth all the heartache I've experienced trying to feed her. Feeding time can be hell at the Bear home. Baby decided early on to make it as difficult for herself, and her mama, by refusing to actually work for her food. I suppose it shouldn't be too much to ask that the milk just pour gloriously from my chest into her open, expecting mouth. I would if I could but instead I patiently work, day after day after day, to help her understand that one must make a very small effort for each meal. She's coming around, slowly but surely, and in the end the work is all quite selfish; I love nursing this stubborn, willful, child.



No one really told me how much I would love loving her. "You'll love being a mom!", I heard them all say. But I doubted myself. I doubted my ability to be maternal. And perhaps I'm not perfect....but I love it all the same.