When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. Crazy scared. I didn't know if I would be a good mama to that little being. I was afraid I wouldn't be what this child needed. I was excited, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel fear. I had just spent the last 4 years of my life thinking about no one but myself. I was still adjusting to life in a committed relationship. You know, one where the man I was with actually admitted to being with me, who fought to keep me by his side. I wasn't sure I deserved his love let alone the love of an innocent human. Lucky for us, hormone filled, women we have 9 months to gain the confidence we need for the beautiful day when we become a mother for the first time. Or the second, third, fourth, etc.
*2 months pregnant with The Bear in L.A.
*on vacation with The Bear, 30+ weeks pregnant
After the first 24 hours of contractions I knew that I was ready to have my child. My daughter. After the second 24 hours I was begging my body to do what was necessary to give birth. I lacked the grace I had always hoped to have during birth. After throwing up for the 4th time I seem to remember wondering how I was going to make it to pushing. And how would I find the strength when that time came.
How silly it was of me to question myself. I should have had faith in my abilities because when it had to be done I didn't give up. And I had the most beautiful, perfect, amazing baby girl to show for it. I would live those pain filled days a thousand times over again. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. It would take many weeks before I could feel comfortable again but, oh my, being a mother was heaven. Even being a mother in pain. When she was placed in my arms the world stopped. The hospital room was filled with lights and people but all I could see, all I could hear, was my child. I put my hands on her and forgot the tears of the past few days.
I've spent the last 8 months loving her. Absorbing her perfect baby energy. Teaching her all I know (all that a baby can understand anyway, and some that she can't). Talking, laughing, crying with her. And you know what? I'm an awesome mama. I can say that. I might not love all the things about myself but I love being a mother. And I've poured my heart and soul into it. It seems to have paid off because I have a beautiful and funny daughter who stops grocery store traffic with her chubby cheeks and precious smile.
*Baby Bear, 6 months old
Those days of fear? When I didn't know if I could do it? If i would be any good at it? Well, they're mostly gone. Sometimes I still think about having a teenage daughter and I wonder how I'll help her understand how important it is to be good, smart, & respectful (of others and of herself). I hope I'll have another moment where it just clicks.
*Baby Bear & her mama on Valentines, 5 months old