Back, with balance

I realize I've been MIA for that last month. I'm pretty sure I've missed you (this blog and my reader aka my mom) more than you've missed me.

We have a bit of a drama queen on our hands

 The truth; I was getting a little distracted by technology and, added to the fact that there was A LOT going on in our lives that was causing both The Bear and I a lot of heartache, I just felt like I wasn't being the wife and mama that I should be. The overwhelming sadness, anger, & frustration of things combined with the distractions of the internet that I used to avoid doing what I needed/wanted to do, had put me far behind. So, I gave some of it up for a while. For over a day I gave all of it up but when I was out with my sister dropping cars off and she got lost and couldn't call me....well, let's just say my AngryBear wasn't too pleased with me and insisted I take my phone with me going forward. That day without caring about anything else but what was right in front of me? It felt really good.

Now The Bear and I feel a little more calm and content, and I think it's safe to say we are stronger and loving each other more than ever, I feel a little more capable to handle distractions without letting them take over. Time management isn't my best trait and so as long and I somehow manage to keep a healthy balance there is no reason I shouldn't do the things I really enjoying doing for myself. Like being a blob on the computer!

And finding time to pamper my "Queena", as she calls herself

Life is crazy around here, with or without the extra distractions.Our home is full of love and chaos and the end of every day leaves me completely spent. I haven't felt so in need of a regular mama break since Mad was just a little newborn crying, pooping, and throwing up all the time. The last few weeks I've been choosing to work on my own schedule, doing things that make me happy instead of the things that always have to get done every day no matter how many times I do them (ie. dishes, laundry, bed making, picking up toys etc). I've reorganized pantries, worked on some projects, thrown away or donated the excess in our life, and attempted to keep the throw pillows on the couch more tidy than they usually are, although you'd never know it since everyone else seems to be working against me. Priorities amirite? It's safe to say that if you walked into my house at any given moment there would still be a play room full of baskets turned upside down, a sink full of dishes, and a baby still in jammies. But, I'm finding peace (don't I always say that?) with the way things are.

Somehow while eliminating things I also acquired others. This is Callie, she adds to the chaos for sure.

Understanding

Mr. Bear and I were talking tonight about compassion. About the truest form of compassion and who it impacts the most. Those who are on the receiving end of compassion? Or those offering it?

All I really have to base my ideas on are my own experiences. And truthfully, as I said tonight, I am a happier more self satisfied person when I exercise compassion consistently in my daily life.

I need/want to get back to a place where I am this person more often. My own balance is off lately. I feel frustrated more often than I would like to (wait, would I ever like to feel frustrated???). I feel myself judging more and searching for understanding less. I feel that that the example I am setting for my child, who perhaps cannot understand yet but will someday, is not ultimately in harmony with the person I hope she will strive to be.

I'm struggling to think of a way to remind myself, when I make a mistake, that those actions aren't part of who I want to be and to correct them. So often I find myself slipping up or forgetting and then just moving on without rationally changing my perspective at that very moment.

So, I don't have all the answers but I am committed to making a change in my attitude, thoughts, & behavior towards others and just life in general. It's important for me to start behaving like the person I know I am inside. For the good of myself and my family. I don't think this part of myself is buried that deep but I have certainly lost track of her lately.

I was reminded this week just how lucky I am. I am loved by, and in love with, my two bears. They don't judge me for my mistakes but they encourage me to strive to be a better person. When I hold my daughter close I feel peace and love. When I struggle with life's great questions I have the wisdom of a loving partner to lean on. What more could I ask for?