Day of Summer

Summer is doing all the wonderful things to my life that I had hoped it would through those rough, and never ending, Winter months. The wait? It was so worth it! We play in the little blow up pool, weed our mini vegetable garden, swing, swing, and swing some more on our finally completed swing set. It's amazing. Mad and I have hot, crabby, tired days but more often, as she adjusts to the heat of Summer and learns that drinking endless cups of water helps, we have hot, fabulous, happy, days.

We gave Mad her first hair cut.

We took Mad to the Utah Hogle Zoo.

 

We clean and we nap. We laugh and we play. It's beautiful really. Already I find myself counting the days left of Summer. I wonder to myself how long the warm weather will stick around. Will we get an extra few weeks of shorts and sunshine? The year Mad was born it went from HOT to COLD so quickly. Before I knew it we were bundled up with the heater blasting and not one NOT ONE pair of adorable baby shorts were worn. Tragic really. I'm trying to focus on the now. To enjoy the time in the sun we have while it is here but it is so easy to get distracted. I want to spend every night out in the yard swinging and chasing around in the yard. That's my goal. Now. Unofficially. Maybe it's just a few minutes before bed or eating outside together as a family before the wind and rain pick up (on hot but rainy days) but I will make sure when the cold does come we are filled with the warmth of Summer for as long as possible. Now I'm off to make some simple syrup so I can have a mojito while I enjoy each evening!

Melissa's Must Haves (Summer Edition)

I've been wanting to compile this little list for a while now but I'm using the excuse that I'm too busy to sit down and really put it all together. Truthfully that's just a poor excuse for the fact I'm too lazy to charge my computer to write a list of really no worth whatsoever. I think of a lot of good openers for posts, posts that consist of more than the same blabberdy blah as everything else (my house is messy, my baby is cute/tired/sick/funny/naughty, I am sick, my laundry needs to be done, etc....), I don't ever pull my computer out and start that post. Or if I do I don't finish it and then my good writing moment is gone. Not saying I'm a good writer, just that sometimes it's better than other times. Anyway, this is what I'm calling "Melissa's Must Haves" and this is Summer edition because it's a list of things I've acquired this Summer that I am loving. A lot of it is Summer seasonal stuff but not all of it. If you have a must have list of your own please add it in the comments!

♥ colorful jams. I am referring to pjs for your kids but if you have none, or if you love sleepwear, then it works for adults too! I bought this Gap sleeper for way less than it  is listed on the website, I think I paid $11 for it? Anyway, there is nothing more adorable after a long, sweaty, stinky Summer afternoon playing than a baby who is bathed, lotioned, and dressed in comfy cuties. 

♥ Fresh herbs! I don't know how or why but I've waited until my 28th year (or is it called my 29th since I'm turning 29 this fall?) to plant and grow my own herbs. I've had other house plants that didn't last very long and the Summer before Mad was born I had flower boxes at our condo (they died when we went on vaca in late July) but always had some excuse for not having a little basil plant growing in my window. This year all that changed. I have basil, thyme, rosemary, pineapple sage, mint (mojitos anyone???), flat leaf parsley, and catnip. Aside from being useful in the kitchen (I'll dry some too and store it for the cold months) they smell fantastical on my front and back porches. And they are still alive which is really giving me some gardening confidence.

A fun variety of pots helps too. I have colored pots and some adorable brown terra cotta pots that were basically free at Lowes.

♥ Veggies. I don't have a picture of my vegetable garden, and at this point it's kind of blah to look at, but I'm having so much fun watching the progress on the vegetables we've chosen to plant this year. We only have one box so The Bear just picked a little of everything and we'll see what goes well and keep that in mind for next year. He has high hopes for the watermelon but I'm not going to hold my breath. If you don't have anywhere to grow veggies then head to a local Farmer's Market to enjoy the fruits of another man's labor. 

♥ A place to drink in the evenings. If you don't drink then a place to do whatever it is you do to unwind. As long as that unwinding doesn't include cleaning. I picked up a cute "chat set" for the front patio with an Amazon giftcard we got with reward points. The space has some annoyances, like the uneven surface that makes the chairs sit a little crooked, but overall I love it. The cat loves to stalk bugs and birds while we sit and I like to over analyze all the things that are wrong with my front yard. The Bear plays on his lap top, Ipad, & smart phone all at the the same time.

 

♥ Awesome baskets. Remember my dream pantry? Well, I took another step in the right direction when I found and ordered several wire baskets online. The original organizing job I had done went down the drain a month or so after I finished it all and so I got the bug to get it back into shape, found the baskets, and VOILA! I'm so in love with these baskets! I want more for this space (different than what my dream pantry has going on but better for what I have IN my pantry), and a few to organize my linen closet all pretty. Everything looks so much better in a fun container than it does just sitting all blah like on a boring shelf.

I feel like this looks worse than the first picture because it's so full right now....and the top and bottom is a bit of a wreck still waiting for some TLC. But, in real life it looks way better. I swear!

♥ Flip flops...for obvious reasons. I say one cute pair of sandals and a few go to cheap but comfy pairs that can be worn around the house, in the garden, at the park, & out for errands. My cheap choice is always Old Navy flip flops. The kind that are rubbery and soft so they are so comfy to wear.

♥ Adirondack chairs. I got some colorful plastic chairs from Home Depot and while they will probably only last 2 or 3 seasons before they crack they don't have to be sanded or painted and with all the projects I have going on right now (the projects I'm not actually making progress on BTW) that is kind of important.

♥ Swings. A park swing, a tree swing, or an entire Costco swing set (like us) a swing is a Summer must have for any kid. Mad will spend hours swinging if I will stand there and push her that long. I love that she loves it that much. It's made all the work putting the damn thing together well worth it. I mean, the hard work of watching Mr. Bear do the building of course.

That's not really it but this is getting wordy so I'll stop now! If nothing else this has been fun for me to write. Next up, a picture list of all the projects I'm NOT working on but really do hope to finish in the next month or so if I can just get some quiet time to myself.....

*I just read this to edit it and stuff....cause we all know how much I care about proper punctuation....and stuff.....but despite the several run on sentences and need for additional commas I decided to leave it as is so I could properly reflect the exhaustion I am feeling tonight. Because of the cat. And the mouse. And the ear infection.

Too Tired to Come Up With a Title. for reals.

You guys. I just have to say this. The last week of nights (does that even make any sense?) has been an absolute circus for this Bear house. I'm totally not even kidding. It all started over something so teeny tiny that you would almost not believe it (ok, you would)....a mouse. An itty bitty mouse. Seriously. Have you seen Coraline? It looked just like the circus mice, but probably even smaller! One night a week or so ago we discovered Mew (the cat, remember?) had a little mouse cornered in the hall. The Bear scooped it up in paper towel and let him go outside. One of the many things I super love about my Mr. Bear? His big ol' bear heart. He is so compassionate when it comes to animals of all shapes and sizes!

Anyway, that's the end right? This was for sure just a random event. Mew had just found this mouse in the garage so we'll put up traps or whatever and never worry about it again. That's what I was telling myself the next day while I was locked in the car, with Mad, sans shoes, while Mew chased another itty bitty mouse around the hallway. I actually called The Bear home from a work lunch (turns out he was test driving cars instead) to take care of the SURELY DEAD IN THE HOUSE mouse. However, the cat was snoozing and the mouse was no where to be seen, dead or alive.

Pest control came and set up super professional traps and told me that there was no sign of mice living in the house so that means they are coming from some random hole outside the house and entering our vents. NO BIG DEAL!!! That night I woke hearing the cat running around the bedroom like a crazed animal. I was tired and completely out of it so I shined my cell phone light on the floor where, you guessed it, I saw Mew chasing another tiny mouse around my bedroom. Mr. Bear got up, still in his sleeping stupor (which, I don't know if I've mentioned before but he can function completely while asleep and not remember a single thing the next day, kind of like the first 4 months of Mad's nightlife) and caught the mouse, again releasing it in the field outside our house.

Every night since then I have been absolutely petrified of Mew bringing a mouse up onto the bed and dropping it on my face, half alive. Because Mew just does.not.get.it. when it comes to my personal space at night. She will gladly sit on my nightstand taking a mini spur of the moment bath in my water cup before putting her nose to mine trying to check if I'm still awake (I AM NOW!!!) and settling down to bat at my hair until she falls asleep. I'm co-sleeping with my cat you guys. Anyway, several times a night now I wake from a dead sleep hearing Mew chase another mouse around the room. My heart will be beating out of my chest as I search wildly around the floor for a mouse, kicking my blankets in case it's been dropped at my feet, and waking The Bear only to be reassured that there is no mouse.

My energy level is suffering greatly from the lack of consistent sleep and nighttime stress and anxiety. I hear every little noise and I'm sleeping in genuine fear of waking up to another mouse incident. Last night around 2 AM Mew jumped on the bed and pounced right on my legs. It was a mouse attack! I bolted up and kicked my mouse infested blankets in the air, sending Mew flying across the room, mumbling incoherently and trying to catch my breath. It was just Mew's favorite mouse toy so, phew, I could go back to sleep. Except now my baby was crying in her bed. And she has a fever. And she's totally wired. And wants to roll around my bed instead of sleep. Of course as soon as she falls asleep Mew is mewing around my legs playing with her toy and attacking invisible mice leaving me exhausted and cranky in the morning just in time to take my feverish baby to the doctor, deal with multiple exhausted outbursts (her's not mine, but I totally wanted to), waiting 40 minutes at the pharmacy and then losing my keys. If I never hear the word mouse again it will be too soon.

Oh, she has an ear infection. Again. The third one this year. I'm convinced it's because the first infections never actually healed completely. Anyone have any magic tips for helping her little ear clear up once and for all?

P.S. I know the little mouse did try to come back, yet again, because I found it's teeny tiny dead body on my front patio. Ew!

The (frustrated) Mama in Me

I lost my patience this morning with a little girl I call Mad. Even though I try to avoid writing too often about the frustrating times we are going through (terrible two's come early?) in real ACTUAL life those frustrating times are impossible to avoid. Lots of days are wonderful. She might throw a fit or two but it's nothing we can't handle. Other days end up like this one.

"Look mom, I don't have time for this, I've got better things to do, OBVIOUSLY!"

Mad wakes at the crack of dawn. Literally. 5:45 AM. I know it's before 6 AM if the sky has that lovely hazy color only captured as the sun is rising over the mountains. Since our mornings are pretty relaxed (lounge in bed watching Curious George and nursing) I don't mind that she wakes early. But by early I mean 6:30 because any earlier than that and she is a snotty wreck by 9 AM. Sure enough the moment the clock struck 9 the tears and fits began.

Somehow we managed to get through a couple more hours before....I. Just. Lost. It. Too many tears. Too many hits. Too many kicks. Too many "DOP MAMA!"s (STOP MAMA!)for the day. If you have ever had a toddler you know that there are days. Unwelcome, overtired, cranky, crabby, awful no good days when no matter how many times you look into their eyes and ask for a "nice" voice they just don't even acknowledge you and go right on screaming,  kicking and hitting their way through the day. And on some of those days we mama's just aren't the perfect women we want to be. I picked her fit throwing self up and took her to her bed. After I calmed down a little, a moment was really all I needed, I went in to her with a binky and blankey and told her to lie down and nap. I wiped her snotty nose, but didn't pick her up and nurse her like I normally would have, stroked her wispy hair, and tried to hold back my own tears while she fell into a coma like sleep.

I left her sleeping soundly but couldn't get the pit out of my stomach. "I didn't even nurse her!" was all I could think to myself. Not surprisingly I snuck back in the room, picked up her heavy toddler body and nursed her. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and buried her face into me. This little person makes me weep with love and even now, hours later, I feel so frustrated with myself for losing my cool. I'm not the first mama in the world to get frustrated with their child, of course, but it's not what I want to be as a parent. It's difficult to find patience and love in these situations but what my daughter needs is for me to step outside of my own anger and exhaustion and try to "listen" to what she needs. As a friend once said, their love tank needs to be filled, and then MOST of the time it gets better.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill her love tank up until it is bursting and show her that I can be patient and hold her hand while she lets out her emotions (but, she still can't hit me).

Memorial Day outing to Ikea, one of our favorite mama and Mad day trip destinations.

Confessions

When Mad was still my little Baby Bear, about 10 months old, I was just starting to get back into the swing of things as far as cleaning, laundry, & oh you know REAL LIFE goes. I wrote about it a lot and here is one example. About that same time Mad was still napping 3 times a day for 45 minutes to an hour each time. The last nap of the day I allowed myself to sit on the bed and browse the computer, read, nap, or just do whatever I felt like I needed to do for myself. When you have a baby that seems like a foreign concept because every inch of your body and soul belong to that little being.

Still, I felt guilty about that time and felt the need to justify it to The Bear. Basically, I imagine he's upset about things and I get all defensive and stuff. Poor guy. ANYWAY, I was telling him that I felt like I worked hard all day, cleaning, cooking baby meals, playing, teaching, doing all the stuff that mom's do, and when that last nap time came I deserved to spend some time for myself not working hard. I can't recall the exact words he used but in a nutshell he said that it was fine but he didn't think most people got that time in their work day. Insert fiery, burning, flames of rage igniting behind my eyeballs.

Never mind what he was ACTUALLY saying (I've never quite figured out what his point was exactly but it wasn't meant to illicit such an offended reaction from me aka he wasn't meaning to be mean) I was entirely focused on my own interpretation. Apparently it's a habit with me. To me he had just said I was lazy and didn't deserve any time to sit quietly by myself because people who work at "regular" jobs never get a break for themselves! As if! If I had been thinking like a sane human being I would have laughed and asked him what he read on Engadget that afternoon and then I would tell him about his co-workers updates they had Facebooked earlier....while they were "working" without a break. I'm sure we fought about that one. Or I was mad and didn't speak to him until the next morning. Either way, me now is laughing at me then. Because this morning we had to talk about how I left him without clean undershirts and he was going to have to do his own laundry. And napping with Mad is a regular occurrence in my life. So is eating cheesecake for breakfast. I've welcomed the lazy in my life and I'm, mostly, ok with that. That is my first confession. It is kind of related to my third. But not really, I just wanted to tell this story.

Me being lazy with my leggy blond snuggled next to me.

My second makes me really sad to confess publicly. You remember that sweety sweet dog we adopted? Well, it just didn't work out. Yes, we were that couple who got a dog and then had to find a new home for him. He was so sweet and tender, and he loved The Bear sooo much. Too much. There was a constant struggle between he and Mad over attention from him and the poor doggie just didn't understand his actual HUGE size. The anxiety over Mr. Bear's affection didn't get better with time and when a baby is concerned there isn't a whole lot of wiggle room in the time department. We found him a home with two loving parents who had been searching for this exact dog breed at this exact age and for that exact price (free with all accessories included). So, with lots of tears we let him go with instructions to let him sleep in their bed and give him lots of hugs and made them promise that if he was too much they would call us. They didn't. I'm happy that he is happy. This leads me to my third confession.....

Mad loves every kind of animal. She has gotten so good with our parents dogs (there are 7 between the two houses!) and spoils them with unwanted affection and (very much wanted) table scraps. I wanted her to have her own pet to love and care for so when The Bear gave an opening I agreed to let he and Mad get......a cat. I know what you're all thinking. Ok, well, I don't, but I know what I'M thinking when I write that. I'm allergic to cats. As in, itchy eyes and hives if I have too much contact, nothing major BUT STILL! I don't even like cats, I think they are weird. That is how much I A) love my animal loving daughter and B) love my self proclaimed cat lover AngryBear. We agreed to look and see if there was one for adoption that was the right fit for us. There was, and now we have a 2 year old cat. Carly, I know if you're reading this you are totally disgusted with me (and amazed that I would do such a thing!) but Mew, that is what we named her her since that is all Mad will call her, is fairly easy going and non-offensive in all the normal "things I hate about cats" ways. Am I trying to convince you or me? Both maybe?

Meet Mew. She likes to sleep on our kitchen chairs.

We've had her for several days now and I'm ashamed to say that she hasn't bothered me one little bit and has molded right into our lives like she's always been here. She loves me. A lot. I don't know why but I'm guessing it's because we have one thing in common, she's lazy. She napped through two nap times today, in the baby's room, without making a peep. If I HAVE to have a cat she is the cat to have. And that, friends, is my big confession. I never ever ever thought I would have a cat. Ew. See below for why it is totally worth it.

"Hi Mew, hi Mew!"

"Oooooohhhhh Mew!"

Angel or Devil?

Rather than write about how this angelic face has tested my patience morning and night for the past few days I will remember the delight in her eyes while she pulled weeds in the yard this weekend. I will remember the squeal of laughter when her daddy gave her a bath in the late evening hour. I will remember that every tantrum means a long hug in my lap, her tear stained face pressed against my chest, her small hands stroking my arms, her little chest rising and falling as she calms down in my embrace. Instead of recalling the times I lost the battle against my own patience (news flash, I have none) for the millionth time I will recall all the moments I took a long breath and looked at her frustrated little face asking her to help this mama understand what she needed. Those were the moments I won.

Mothering a willful toddler is tough work. This afternoon, after a nice long nap, she woke with a frown. I rattled off a list of things we could do after a diaper change (aka HELL on Earth, for both of us). All of my suggestions were met with a scowl and a shake of her little chubby face. Finally we settled on a snack, only she didn't want to sit in her chair to eat the snack, she didn't want to share my arms with the makings of a snack, and she didn't want to actually eat the snack. So, I sat down beside her and took her bowl of fruit for myself. I ate her pears, exclaiming how delicious they were, and let her pick each piece out for me to eat. I made some toast, one of her favorite snacks, and smothered it in peanut butter and raspberry jam, a recently discovered treat. By the end of our snack time she had eaten half the pears and one piece of toast. Everything on her terms, this is how our house is run.

I call her my sweetest baby, my darling daughter, my small angel, and she is all of those things. Lately it just takes a little extra time to look beneath the furrowed brow into the eyes of a frustrated baby who just wants to have things go her way. Inside I feel the same way so I can hardly blame her.

The Sweetest Things

Has it really been 2 weeks since my last post? How am I supposed to keep up with my own thoughts if I don't even write them down! I guess it's a mixture of busy and lazy. I'm busy during the day and lazy at night. And I'm honest all the time, thank God!

When it comes to motherhood I really jumped in head first. I love my Mad, she is,without a doubt, my world and I love being that mother who never regrets all the vacations I potentially miss out on because I don't enjoy leaving my baby. Sometimes I know The Bear wishes I didn't have so much anxiety about having her away from my arms overnight. Both of our mother's are likely tired of hearing my long lists the few times we do leave her for a night. I know that the intense anxiety at the thought of being away is something only I truly understand. That is ok with me. I don't wish to change it completely but I do try to take control of my anxiety and let her go for enough time that my Bear can feel important too.

So, last week we packed our bags, and Baby Bear's bags too, for a few days away. This is the second time since she was born but for 4 nights instead of 2 (she stayed 2 nights with my family and 2 nights with the Bear's. I know his brother would appreciate me mentioning that he is an excellent overnight sitter and is adored by our Mad). We drove through the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California (let's not reminisce about how long of a drive it was!) to a little area in Amador County for much appreciated R&R (rest and relaxation, you know). A sweet bed and breakfast with our own cottage (shared with another friend couple of ours), 3 days of wine tastings, and quaint small town living (and by quaint I mean everything closes at 4 PM and from that moment on the only people you see are in one of the 3 restaurants or other tourists who didn't get the closing time memo) really recharged our parenting batteries.

It was beautiful and quiet. I drank several cups of coffee every day, the first delivered to my door at 7:30 every morning (which was perfect because I couldn't stay asleep past 7AM), ate until I practically exploded and....pumped a lot of milk, which The Bear says is not really the kind of information people really want to know when you have a 20 month old still nursing baby, but I'm pretty sure I don't care. Did I mention how beautiful it was?

 

I could look at this view forever! Although I could do without all the driving on winding roads to get there. The quiet in the air is something I am not accustomed to at all and it gave me such pleasure to hear only the wind blowing rather than cars speeding past and construction trucks grumbling all the day long.  You don't realize how noisy the world is until.....it isn't. You don't realize how many buildings there are until you see none. You don't realize how annoying all the rushing and planning is until you don't have to do either. On a side note, I'm not sure that our traveling companions enjoyed this trip as much as The Bear and I did. I'm trying to feel bad about it because I'm sure everyone else might not find out company as enjoyable as we do ourselves, but I can't really because there was nothing stopping someone from just enjoy what was. Relaxing while the time is there and available to you.

I'm glad to be home. I'm enjoying the day to day chores that I was feeling burnt out on before (though you might not know looking at my house/disaster area!). The sun has come out and the days are beautiful again; it was a long Winter in Utah this year. My garden might actually get weeded before Fall comes and my Mad has never been happier than she is putting about the yard like the little princess that she is. I know I'm a lucky woman to be surrounded by happiness and love in my home. My Bear and my Baby Bear fill my heart (I'm a broken record, I know) and I happy to be here, appreciating this life, and them.