Confessions

When Mad was still my little Baby Bear, about 10 months old, I was just starting to get back into the swing of things as far as cleaning, laundry, & oh you know REAL LIFE goes. I wrote about it a lot and here is one example. About that same time Mad was still napping 3 times a day for 45 minutes to an hour each time. The last nap of the day I allowed myself to sit on the bed and browse the computer, read, nap, or just do whatever I felt like I needed to do for myself. When you have a baby that seems like a foreign concept because every inch of your body and soul belong to that little being.

Still, I felt guilty about that time and felt the need to justify it to The Bear. Basically, I imagine he's upset about things and I get all defensive and stuff. Poor guy. ANYWAY, I was telling him that I felt like I worked hard all day, cleaning, cooking baby meals, playing, teaching, doing all the stuff that mom's do, and when that last nap time came I deserved to spend some time for myself not working hard. I can't recall the exact words he used but in a nutshell he said that it was fine but he didn't think most people got that time in their work day. Insert fiery, burning, flames of rage igniting behind my eyeballs.

Never mind what he was ACTUALLY saying (I've never quite figured out what his point was exactly but it wasn't meant to illicit such an offended reaction from me aka he wasn't meaning to be mean) I was entirely focused on my own interpretation. Apparently it's a habit with me. To me he had just said I was lazy and didn't deserve any time to sit quietly by myself because people who work at "regular" jobs never get a break for themselves! As if! If I had been thinking like a sane human being I would have laughed and asked him what he read on Engadget that afternoon and then I would tell him about his co-workers updates they had Facebooked earlier....while they were "working" without a break. I'm sure we fought about that one. Or I was mad and didn't speak to him until the next morning. Either way, me now is laughing at me then. Because this morning we had to talk about how I left him without clean undershirts and he was going to have to do his own laundry. And napping with Mad is a regular occurrence in my life. So is eating cheesecake for breakfast. I've welcomed the lazy in my life and I'm, mostly, ok with that. That is my first confession. It is kind of related to my third. But not really, I just wanted to tell this story.

Me being lazy with my leggy blond snuggled next to me.

My second makes me really sad to confess publicly. You remember that sweety sweet dog we adopted? Well, it just didn't work out. Yes, we were that couple who got a dog and then had to find a new home for him. He was so sweet and tender, and he loved The Bear sooo much. Too much. There was a constant struggle between he and Mad over attention from him and the poor doggie just didn't understand his actual HUGE size. The anxiety over Mr. Bear's affection didn't get better with time and when a baby is concerned there isn't a whole lot of wiggle room in the time department. We found him a home with two loving parents who had been searching for this exact dog breed at this exact age and for that exact price (free with all accessories included). So, with lots of tears we let him go with instructions to let him sleep in their bed and give him lots of hugs and made them promise that if he was too much they would call us. They didn't. I'm happy that he is happy. This leads me to my third confession.....

Mad loves every kind of animal. She has gotten so good with our parents dogs (there are 7 between the two houses!) and spoils them with unwanted affection and (very much wanted) table scraps. I wanted her to have her own pet to love and care for so when The Bear gave an opening I agreed to let he and Mad get......a cat. I know what you're all thinking. Ok, well, I don't, but I know what I'M thinking when I write that. I'm allergic to cats. As in, itchy eyes and hives if I have too much contact, nothing major BUT STILL! I don't even like cats, I think they are weird. That is how much I A) love my animal loving daughter and B) love my self proclaimed cat lover AngryBear. We agreed to look and see if there was one for adoption that was the right fit for us. There was, and now we have a 2 year old cat. Carly, I know if you're reading this you are totally disgusted with me (and amazed that I would do such a thing!) but Mew, that is what we named her her since that is all Mad will call her, is fairly easy going and non-offensive in all the normal "things I hate about cats" ways. Am I trying to convince you or me? Both maybe?

Meet Mew. She likes to sleep on our kitchen chairs.

We've had her for several days now and I'm ashamed to say that she hasn't bothered me one little bit and has molded right into our lives like she's always been here. She loves me. A lot. I don't know why but I'm guessing it's because we have one thing in common, she's lazy. She napped through two nap times today, in the baby's room, without making a peep. If I HAVE to have a cat she is the cat to have. And that, friends, is my big confession. I never ever ever thought I would have a cat. Ew. See below for why it is totally worth it.

"Hi Mew, hi Mew!"

"Oooooohhhhh Mew!"

Angel or Devil?

Rather than write about how this angelic face has tested my patience morning and night for the past few days I will remember the delight in her eyes while she pulled weeds in the yard this weekend. I will remember the squeal of laughter when her daddy gave her a bath in the late evening hour. I will remember that every tantrum means a long hug in my lap, her tear stained face pressed against my chest, her small hands stroking my arms, her little chest rising and falling as she calms down in my embrace. Instead of recalling the times I lost the battle against my own patience (news flash, I have none) for the millionth time I will recall all the moments I took a long breath and looked at her frustrated little face asking her to help this mama understand what she needed. Those were the moments I won.

Mothering a willful toddler is tough work. This afternoon, after a nice long nap, she woke with a frown. I rattled off a list of things we could do after a diaper change (aka HELL on Earth, for both of us). All of my suggestions were met with a scowl and a shake of her little chubby face. Finally we settled on a snack, only she didn't want to sit in her chair to eat the snack, she didn't want to share my arms with the makings of a snack, and she didn't want to actually eat the snack. So, I sat down beside her and took her bowl of fruit for myself. I ate her pears, exclaiming how delicious they were, and let her pick each piece out for me to eat. I made some toast, one of her favorite snacks, and smothered it in peanut butter and raspberry jam, a recently discovered treat. By the end of our snack time she had eaten half the pears and one piece of toast. Everything on her terms, this is how our house is run.

I call her my sweetest baby, my darling daughter, my small angel, and she is all of those things. Lately it just takes a little extra time to look beneath the furrowed brow into the eyes of a frustrated baby who just wants to have things go her way. Inside I feel the same way so I can hardly blame her.

The Sweetest Things

Has it really been 2 weeks since my last post? How am I supposed to keep up with my own thoughts if I don't even write them down! I guess it's a mixture of busy and lazy. I'm busy during the day and lazy at night. And I'm honest all the time, thank God!

When it comes to motherhood I really jumped in head first. I love my Mad, she is,without a doubt, my world and I love being that mother who never regrets all the vacations I potentially miss out on because I don't enjoy leaving my baby. Sometimes I know The Bear wishes I didn't have so much anxiety about having her away from my arms overnight. Both of our mother's are likely tired of hearing my long lists the few times we do leave her for a night. I know that the intense anxiety at the thought of being away is something only I truly understand. That is ok with me. I don't wish to change it completely but I do try to take control of my anxiety and let her go for enough time that my Bear can feel important too.

So, last week we packed our bags, and Baby Bear's bags too, for a few days away. This is the second time since she was born but for 4 nights instead of 2 (she stayed 2 nights with my family and 2 nights with the Bear's. I know his brother would appreciate me mentioning that he is an excellent overnight sitter and is adored by our Mad). We drove through the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California (let's not reminisce about how long of a drive it was!) to a little area in Amador County for much appreciated R&R (rest and relaxation, you know). A sweet bed and breakfast with our own cottage (shared with another friend couple of ours), 3 days of wine tastings, and quaint small town living (and by quaint I mean everything closes at 4 PM and from that moment on the only people you see are in one of the 3 restaurants or other tourists who didn't get the closing time memo) really recharged our parenting batteries.

It was beautiful and quiet. I drank several cups of coffee every day, the first delivered to my door at 7:30 every morning (which was perfect because I couldn't stay asleep past 7AM), ate until I practically exploded and....pumped a lot of milk, which The Bear says is not really the kind of information people really want to know when you have a 20 month old still nursing baby, but I'm pretty sure I don't care. Did I mention how beautiful it was?

 

I could look at this view forever! Although I could do without all the driving on winding roads to get there. The quiet in the air is something I am not accustomed to at all and it gave me such pleasure to hear only the wind blowing rather than cars speeding past and construction trucks grumbling all the day long.  You don't realize how noisy the world is until.....it isn't. You don't realize how many buildings there are until you see none. You don't realize how annoying all the rushing and planning is until you don't have to do either. On a side note, I'm not sure that our traveling companions enjoyed this trip as much as The Bear and I did. I'm trying to feel bad about it because I'm sure everyone else might not find out company as enjoyable as we do ourselves, but I can't really because there was nothing stopping someone from just enjoy what was. Relaxing while the time is there and available to you.

I'm glad to be home. I'm enjoying the day to day chores that I was feeling burnt out on before (though you might not know looking at my house/disaster area!). The sun has come out and the days are beautiful again; it was a long Winter in Utah this year. My garden might actually get weeded before Fall comes and my Mad has never been happier than she is putting about the yard like the little princess that she is. I know I'm a lucky woman to be surrounded by happiness and love in my home. My Bear and my Baby Bear fill my heart (I'm a broken record, I know) and I happy to be here, appreciating this life, and them.

Enjoying This Moment

I spent the last 24 hours in the hell that is (probably) food poisoning or a 24 hour flu. I haven't thrown up that much since I was a kid. Hell. Seriously. Thanks to my sweet Mr. Bear I have a clean house and today I am relaxing and totally enjoying this.....

In lieu of any real sort of post for the past week (making up for it after the fact?) I thought I'd send you all over to one of my regular reads to a post about parenting. Somewhat related to the "clean house" statement I just made. Normally I really like Cjane's ideas, for as different as we may see the world (she also happens to be related to one of my absolute most favorite college teachers so that gives her a leg up in my book), but this particular post I somewhat disagree with.

 Particularly the first and last quotes she mentioned.....for as much as I try to get things done around my home I value time spent with my daughter a lot more than I value time spent scrubbing kitchen counters or having an immaculate garden. A clean house is a happy house, YES, but I will clean my house every day, (practically) for the rest of my life, and I only have a few years where my baby will want me to color alongside her all morning long. Plus, even for someone like me who has a child that wants to be attended to almost constantly, there are plenty of hours where I am hands free. Morning play (when she doesn't seem to notice her solitude), naps, kitchen cleaning while she eats (sssssllllloooooowwwwwly!), and bed time. If I WANT to get it all I can, maybe not as perfectly as I would always like, but, clean enough. Usually I'm the one holding myself back (lazy much?). Anyway, maybe it's an excuse to get out of constant chores but I know very few women (none actually, but I'm sure they are out there), with all their children grown and gone, that don't wish they would have put the cleaning aside to really enjoy their babies more often. I don't want to have that regret.

Avoiding

Avoiding. Lately that's all I've been doing.

Like now. I'm justifying sitting at the computer during nap time because :
♥ The kitchen is (mostly) clean
♥ I've already decided against washing my hair today (should I have kept that a secret? Probably not because if you see me out in public you'll be able to tell by looking at my rat's nest!)
♥ I made the bed once this week and that is enough
♥  I just don't feel all that pressed to do anything above and beyond today

The reality is :

♥ I need to clean up my morning coffee mess (french press, while delicious beyond measure, does not make itself nor does it tidy up on it's own when I am done)
♥ I am always happier with a made bed, plus I'm less likely to get BACK IN bed if it looks pretty ♥ Laundry is, as always, piled up waiting to be attended to
♥ and basically there a millions of things I've been avoiding this week that need to be done

The reason almost all my blogging references cleaning, or not cleaning, is because when that is NOT what I want to be doing I generally end up here. Hoping I'll convince myself to do what needs to be done.

I don't consider myself a lazy person but, oh boy, have I been lazy lately! It started with a cold that last way too long. Now I've been feeling really un-rested and sore every morning (I can't find a good sleep position!) which makes me drag all morning. Once afternoon hits Miss Mad wants nothing more than for me to hold her or sit quietly and watch her do what she does (make messes). I know I sound like a broken record, I'm sorry! I want sun and more energy, is that too much to ask???

Truthfully I think it all really does have to do with the cold (weather not sickness, but that too I guess). It gets me down when the end of April is just around the corner and I am stuck inside with grey skies staring at me through the windows. Mad begs to play outside every time she passes the back door. My gardens are overrun with weeds that I ignored last fall when it started to get out of control. My body aches with lack of exercise (walks to the park anyone?).

So, I've been doing you all a favor by not writing more often. If I did it would all read exactly like the last dozen posts. I'll be better! Don't leave ok? I promise to be more interesting. In fact, The Bear and I have a delightful trip planned to (somewhere) in California to drink wine and be merry. I won't blog, yet, about how much I know I'll miss my Baby Bear and how I'm a little scared that she'll be sad without me. Because, and this is me not blogging about missing her, she and I have been really attached lately. She's my little buddy. See?

From a House to a Home

The house is quiet. Like whoa. The Bear is watching a movie (likely one that I wouldn't watch with him aka something totally demented and awful) on his laptop, the dishwasher is going, the baby moniter is buzzing peacefully with no cries from the other end, and I am sitting in a comfy spot editing photos and drinking a glass off wine. Yes please! Did I mention my house is NOT littered with baby toys and garbage from dinner? Cause we cleaned. Impressive.

Today I took a trip with my Mad to Ikea. Lately that has been a good way to pass the time when I have some cash in pocket and ideas in my head. Truthfully I never leave with what I was searching for but I'm always happy with what I do end up with. Today it was pillows, kitchen randoms, bathroom randoms, & picture frames (hopefully some cute "after" images to come soon).

Speaking of shopping....I've actually been doing a lot of it lately. My favorite! We had a birthday party for my sister at our house and while The Bear and I were at Pier 1 shopping for some serving trays he offered to buy me the chair I've been coveting for several months now. It's more expensive than it was when I first saw it on sale but definitely still reasonable in my book. One off my biggest complaints in our home was the lack of color. Brown and beige was the name of the game. I've done my best to colorize tastefully but it can be overwhelming at times. The cost I mean. This chair looks so HAPPY in my "great" room. I call it a "great" room because it fits the bill of  a kitchen and living area in one but it is just a normal sized space, nothing really GREAT about it's size.

Cutie pillow from Bedbuggs on Etsy, similar to this one

 Additionally I found a dining chair that was a lone soldier and thus was discounted like crazy. I paid $40 for this pretty thing and it looks so sweet at my desk. Ok, so it wouldn't be comfortable if I sat there all day every day but because I only sit down intermittently throughout my day it's perfect. And cute too.

 My goal is to finish our library slash temporary play room (until I'm ok with Mad going up and down the stairs and playing while I can't watch her constantly) in the next couple of months and then I'll move on to our hallways and master bedroom. Of course there are a million other little ideas I have for the "great" room but for now it's definitely in a good place. I really love adding fun items to my home and in the spirit of decorating I've added several design blogs to my feed. Anyone have any blog suggestions for me? Send them my way!!!

A Chance to Change?

Lately I've been wondering a lot about my thoughts and ideas on parenthood and how, if I get the opportunity to do it again from the very beginning, I would do it differently (I am so so so NOT pregnant, not for a while I hope, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it).

First of all I would find a fairy to grant me three wishes and every single one of them would be that The Bear and I would agree on all parenting issues. That would basically have solved ALL of our contention the past 2 years of our lives together. I hate knowing that if we disagree one person is going to feel that they "lost" and perhaps their parenting opinions don't matter as much. Mostly that would be The Bear. He knows it and I know it. I don't love that it is that way but I'm not foolish enough to deny it. Somewhere in my heart I believe that if we both had supported* each other a little more the difficult months would have been easier to move through. I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly searching for a way that we both agreed with and just stuck to the same thing from day 1. There is no going back but I hope if we do it again some day there will be less debate on how and what to do and more action. Consistent and calm action.

Secondly, and this is a big one, I would stop WONDERING, out loud mostly, how to make my child do what I wanted and expected. The wondering led to discussions, which led to disagreement, which led to attempts at other ways, which led to frustration, which led to more disagreement, and ultimately led us back to the same thing I was doing in the first place. If I just did what my heart told me was right, without the tears (my own) because things weren't perfect and complaints of exhaustion and frustration, we would have moved through with less contention and those long months wouldn't  have dragged on and on. I hate recalling all the conversations wherein I analyzed every little thing she did trying to figure out the best way to parent her (sleep, let's be honest, I've stressed about sleep this.entire.time). I would have been so much happier if I just stopped talking about it. In the end I am who I am and I can no sooner let her cry for hours on end when she just wants me close to her than The Bear can stop eating cake pops from Starbucks. It's part of who we all are...compulsive cake pop eating and all.

Sleeping with all of her things

Thirdly? Stop trying to control everything. I'm a control freak when it comes to my beloved daughter, I can't deny this even though I feel a little ashamed from time to time. Next time around I think it would ease a lot of that new baby pressure if I didn't freak out quite so much. Chances are The Bear is not going to snap her neck when he pulls her out of her bed for a diaper change but according to me it's a miracle Mad survived the first 6 months when he was in charge of her care. I won't stop missing my babies when I am away from them for even a moment, I won't stop sending huge lists of "how to's" when they go to Grammy (my mom) or Manna's (his mom) house, I won't stop describing every detail of how I get them to sleep, I won't stop loving them with every inch of my being....but I really hope that I can leave The Bear with our new baby without agonizing over the fact that he doesn't do things exactly the way that I do. Mad is proof that he did something right (a lot of things) because never has a little girl loved her father more than my Mad loves her daddy. He is the first person she looks for in the morning and business trips are getting so difficult now that she spends half her days asking "where he is?" until the moment he walks through the door. I love that because I love him so much too, so I totally get it. We both like shoes, shopping bags full of new stuff, and an AngryBear. Twinners!

But....if I didn't change a thing? Well, I have to think that despite all my (many) flaws I must have done something right. Because I made this (with a little help ;) and I think she is pretty.damn.amazing.

Playing in her hut. She loves this thing.

*The fact is, The Bear was so supportive of me and my choices, even when they didn't line up AT ALL with how he thought things should be done or what he was used to in his family. He might not always understand what I do, or why I do it, but he will always defend me. I really love that about him and it is just one more reason why I am so lucky to have him. I was the one who struggled to support any way of doing things that wasn't MY way. So, I fail, I'm working on it. I promise.