4 Months.....Very Late

I just now realized that I haven't done a 4 month post yet. December is crazy and overwhelming and that is my excuse.

Jaime....you are a joyous light that has entered our home and we will never be the same again. I adore you. Daddy melts at your smile. Sister, well, she is more obsessed than any of us. We love you! I know every parent says this about their kids but I cannot even imagine life without you.

Lately.....you slobber everywhere, chew on everything, smile at everyone, and laugh so adorably it makes me want to freeze you at this age forever. I feel so lucky to be your mama. I had this perfect beautiful baby girl, your sister, and I thought life could not be any more amazing. Then I gave birth to you, my little ray of sunshine, and you have made our world complete. Thank you for being here. I love you.

To Christmas, With Love

Growing up I have vivid memories of the perfect way my mom had about doing everything. The way she made my bed, folded my clothes, cut my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and drew little dogs and cats on paper during the boring parts of Sunday worship (my attempt at using non-Mormon words for my Mormon past). Christmas was no exception. Every memory has the touch of my mama in it. Our decorations, still put up every year for the granbabies, mostly made with her artistic hand. I remember making clay bears when I must have been very young. If I close my eyes I can almost feel myself in that kitchen with her and my older sister putting together messy little bears, cooking them, and painting them to put on our tree. I had fun making them but I liked her bears the best because they were perfect. I remember the way she packed her smell so good gingerbread ornaments (I think that is what they were made of anyway) in shirt boxes with paper towels to keep them from breaking. And my favorites, the little fabric packages stacked and tied with a string and the tiny mice sleeping in half a walnut shell; although I'm not sure if she made those, I would imagine she did because we were poor and she was that perfectly crafty, without Etsy or Pinterest or anything.

Gifts for my Mad Maddie

Every Christmas Eve my sisters and I would be sent off to bed with instructions not to peek into the family room until our parents came to get us in the morning. We were never really Santa believers but we just knew if we peeked our mom and dad would know and, as I recall, they would take all our presents away. In the morning, much too late for our parents would bring us down the hallway and into the family room where the Christmas tree was located. My dad would have been recording our sleepy eyed reactions as we entered the room. There it was, a pile of beautifully wrapped gifts, an individual wrapping paper pattern for each daughter, beneath the tree. I loved the pretty packages. No bows or ribbons, just plain paper with a little piece reversed and taped with our name on it. And of course our stockings spread out on the floor full of little candies and presents.

I found matching jammies for my babies!

As I grew older and started wrapping my own gifts for friends and family she shared her trick with me; you crease the edges of each box to make it look neat. I have practiced for years trying to make my packages look as effortlessly perfect as hers did. Turns out it isn't as easy as she made it look. Maybe by the time Maddie can REALLY remember her wrapped Christmas gifts I will have it down. I want her to have the same memories of me that I have of my own mama so she can pass more memories down to her babies. I want her to always come home and want me to cut her peanut butter and honey sandwiches just so, to have her bed made just the way I did it, sheets tucked tight, and to come out on Christmas morning to pretty perfectly wrapped gifts, edges creased.

My imperfectly wrapped gifts.

 I only wish she could remember how soft my skin was and think that I never had to shave my legs. Alas, unlike my mama, that will never be true.

Holidays

We Gave Thanks

This time of year always feels crazy. Even more so when you have a little bebe around to care for 24/7. It's nice because he gives me an excuse to slow down and love in the moment. I'm thankful for that....for him, for my babies, my family, my loves. That is what means the most to me this year.

Thanksgiving. His funny little tongue cracks me up!

She got her own tree, in her bedroom, this year.

One thing that has kept me grounded and sane lately is meal time at home. It isn't always easy to make a meal from scratch every single night but that is our goal and most nights we are successful. Sometimes I end up chopping veggies at an insanely slow pace while a baby is strapped to my chest.

He loves to be part of everything I do.

Other nights Mr. Bear struggles to entertain him, when all he wants is a boob and bed, so I can just get the food on the table. Most nights I set down a meal for my family and whisk our Mini Bear off to bed. I know my food is getting cold but I have learned that this time passes too quickly and there is no reason to be resentful of the time I have get to spend sitting, rocking, nursing, and kissing my baby. You would think that would be easy to do but the reality is, when you are mama, the day just keeps going while you sit, be still, and care for the little one. That means cold meals, or no meal at all, missed conversations, messy houses, and many other details of the day that we just have to be ready to skip out on at a moments notice. I struggled with that when I had Maddie. I hate to admit I felt that way but I didn't realize, at the time, how much I'd miss missing things just to be in quiet place with her, alone.

We napped

So when I haven't posted in a while....since that is what usually happens. I am probably doing dishes or caring for my loves (sweet AngryBear included). They are my heart, not just a part of it, ALL of it. I only wish I was better than I am at it.

Happy Holidays Interwebs!

3 Months

My sweet Jaime,

 
You are 3 whole months old! It's amazing how fast time has gone by. You like to talk talk talk talk talk. Such a chatterbox. You make everyone who meets you feel so special because you smile and just tell them all about yourself. Your round cheeks are so kissable! I kiss you so much and I think it makes your already sensitive skin even more so but I just. Can't. Stop. You adore your sister. ADORE! I could not have imagined the way you two have bonded. She is SOOOO overwhelming and tends to smother you and get in your face, loudly, and often, but you just smile and jabber at her. When you hear her voice you search the room to find her. You love to twist your little chubby fists in her blonde hair. I love it. I love you both so much I can't imagine how I ever lived my life without you both in it.

Your easygoing personality has not changed. You get cranky and want to be carried constantly but when it is time to sleep, at night, you put yourself to sleep (after nursing for a good 30 or 40 minutes) and stay down until 3 AM, usually. I couldn't ask for more! You love to stand up on my legs, be tickled on your ribs, "fly" in the air, and trot on my knees. Every day with you is amazing and wonderful. I feel so lucky to be your mama.

Recap

Tonight I'm sitting up, alone. My babies are tucked snuggly into their beds (well, maybe not so snug for my little Prince with the no blankets rules etc), my sweet husband is snoozing (tomorrow is our anniversary, he must be anxious for it to begin!), and even the kitties are tucked into strange spots purring away. This is the time I have to think.....I replay my days.

Making dinner with a baby wrapped to your body takes practice.

 I scolded a squirrely Maddie several times....more than I would like. She was just tired and happy to be with us, maybe wanting some special attention, which for my little bug equals wild hysterics, rule breaking, and major meltdowns when things don't go her way. Our little Prince (Jameson Prince is Mad's nickname for him, so I'll go with it) had something causing discomfort and he would not nap for more than 5 minutes even though he was totally and completely exhausted. So, I rubbed some teething oil (clove oil drops in EVOO) on his gums, just in case, wrapped him up on my chest and we walked. His warm little head felt so good on my chest once he finally gave in to his exhaustion and fell asleep. We, very slowly, made dinner this way. I took my baby girl and tucked her into bed. When she finally fell asleep I kissed her cheeks and lips, obsessively my husband says, and whisper that I'm sorry I'm a grouchy mama and I love her so. I know later she will sneak down the stairs and into bed with her mama and daddy, her legs swinging over my waist, her face snuggled into a pillow that probably smells like me.

He watches everything she does. He loves her already.

Whenever the day is over I can remember all the wonderful moments and I wonder why I got so grouchy. Is it just the nature of being the mama? Of loving, caring for, cleaning up after, tending to constantly, that makes patience nearly non-existent? That makes the beauty of our life a little more difficult to see in the heat of the tantrum/moment?

They make me laugh. She adores him.

I looked at Jaime tonight and saw him toddling around the house, making messes with sister, sitting in a high chair eating food that my body doesn't personally provide for him, being naughty, growing right before my very eyes. And then I blinked and I saw my Maddie sitting in my lap. Big beautiful blue eyes laughing at everything I say, giving me big slobbery open mouthed kisses, sitting patiently while I kissed her over and over (I've always done this).

Even when he doesn't nap he is my angel baby. Truly, he lights up our lives.

She was only 1. Perfection. I wish I could have that moment back, just for a moment.

 I must be better. I love my babies so.

Happenings

My handsome hubby

The band was my birthday gift. I didn't think I could love my ring any more, but I do.

Beautiful birthday flowers from my sweet brother

She wants to wear her babies too

His little hands slay me *swoon*

My beautiful girl. This was such a good day.

Bedroom eyes, be still my heart

Stocking Stuff 2012 Christmas Edition

Rather than a full blog post I just thought I'd share that I've been working on a couple stocking stuffer boards on Pinterest. Not that they are all that interesting since pretty much anyone could do some searches for stocking stuffers and find the same :). However, if you are lazy, like I am most of the time, feel free to take a peek. Most everything I would love to receive myself or would get for someone in my life. Some of my favorites?

Pretty Paris Cosmetic Bag

Felt bows by blogger and Etsy shop owner Mrs. Priss

Christmas Coal soap

Ok I can't really pick favorites because I like them all but these are some peeks at a few fun things. I'm really trying to have my ideas ready before I start shopping because I always forget by the time I get my Christmas spending money. I hate to be talking holidays before Halloween has even begun but PEOPLE I'm trying to be prepared. Confession, I already bought some cute things that I have on the list that aren't even being set aside :/.

2 Months

2 months since my little giant entered the world on that long long night in August. 2 months since I first put my hands on his soft skin and smelled his delicious baby breath. 2 months since his first cries and first gaze into my eyes. 2 whole months. It goes so fast, it really does. This time I expected it but it still just flies by at an alarming rate.

The truth is, beyond 2 months feeling like a long time to have been alive, he doesn't do too much to write about. He's just beyond adorable almost all of the time. What else is there to do? I'd say he sleeps like an angel but I'm still anticipating the day when he doesn't sleep well anymore. Or the day I realize he doesn't get any better, he just always wakes up to nurse once a night until he leaves for high school. He talks and smiles and gurgles at us in the most delightful voice. His chubby little arms and legs flail around while he tries to catch on to something, though he isn't quite sure what to do with an object once he has it in his tiny little grasp.

At this age you can see a glimpse of the fun baby they are growing into BUT you aren't quite there yet. He is just a suggestion of what he will be in 2 more months. We nurse, sleep, walk around, talk, change some diapers, nap, change more diapers, nurse a lot more, walk around, nurse, have some tummy time......every day is pretty much the same, just like that. I spend a lot of time with my lips planted firmly on his cheek or my nose pressed next to his mouth, because I'm absolutely intoxicated with the smell of his skin and breath. Absolutely.

Sometimes he cries. Mostly he complains. His sister adores him. I adore them both.

Mothering two babies is hard work. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. There are days like today when I wake up to a potty trained toddler who has pooped in her night pull up. When the day starts off with a mandatory bath before I've even washed the sleep from my eyes I know I will just be tired.all.day. And I am. I will be. I was. And it is so worth it to love on my babies every minute. I just hope they know I love them so.

At the End of the Day

I could probably read back to my posting after Mad was born and read the same things that I feel like I want to write today.

Well, SOME of the same things. Because to be honest moving from 1 to 2 babies (ssssshhhhh Mad is absolutely still my baby, her hands are still a little chubby) is so so so much easier than moving from alcoholic zero babies and zero clue to life with a child. I can't say I know what I'm doing, because I'm not sure if I ever will, but I definitely feel more confidence in just jumping into the unknown that is raising children. Before it was a jump from complete selfishness to absolute selflessness....for the rest of my life.

Not TOO hard to be selfless when your babies are this adorable

Anyway, lately I'm just feeling the weight of every choice I make with my time. In the morning I could snuggle more in bed making my baby laugh, letting Mad climb on me and trying not to grouch at her (my body is soooore in the mornings, why? shouldn't I feel rested?), and just being warm and snuggly with my family. OR I could shower, God knows it will take hours before I catch the right 20 minute time frame if I wait. OR I could workout. Because I'm fat. And I hate that. And I know my husband doesn't hate my body but wants me to be healthy, as I want him to be healthy. OR I could just get up and stop avoiding the inevitable, make some breakfast and pour some coffee into my desperately exhausted body.

Seriously, a must have for my mornings no matter how they begin

 Those all make for a difficult choice to start out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Yesterday I chose to shower. Oh it was a good shower. I find my days are a lot more functional if I start them fully dressed. I'm a lot less likely to take a nap if I've already gotten ready and honestly I don't have time for naps anymore (something I imagined doing all the time when I was pregnant). Today I decided, with my AngryBear's support, to take an hour for myself and run down to Starbucks for coffee. It was nice and I wish I could do that more often. Turn my mama self off for a few minutes, I mean.

The choices continue throughout the day. Hold the baby when he is happy and cooing and melt at his perfection or let him play on his play mat during the only time he'll tolerate it so I can sit with Mad and read The Berenstain Bears books that she is so obsessed with lately. Eat lunch or switch the laundry. Fold that laundry or do anything other than fold the laundry. As an aside, I almost always choose the latter on that one because I hate folding laundry. So the clothes sit in their baskets for a couple days until I just dump it all onto the bed and put it away while wondering why I put it off so long; it is never as bad as I imagine it to be. Anyway, I really do feel like I'm rolling with things a lot better than I did when I had Mad but I'm always feeling like the way I choose to spend my time is the wrong way. My house could be cleaner, more organized and decorated. My kids could be happier and more fufilled with true quality time more often. My body could ache a little less and look a whole lot better.....I just don't have time for it all. 

She's a spaz. And she needs lots of mama attention or she is crazy. 

Nursing....love it, so much, and it takes up a HUGE chunk of my day.

Dreaded laundry piles. But cute baskets.

Found time for a day date with my babies and my mama.

Made time for a hair cut....with lots of tears involved.

No one else in this picture is worried about getting things done.....

5 days a week goal for making my bed.

At the end of the day I just want to know what choice I can make that will help me with my patience levels. Something I'm really struggling with lately. The End.

Oh wait, I never posted a 1 month post for my sweet baby. Good thing they aren't really doing anything at 1 month. Except getting fat. My sweet boy is getting soooo fat and I love it.

He's my fatty fat fat and I love to kiss him.

Happy Birthday

To my Madeleine,
In just a few hours (well, 12 but I'm going to sleep and you already are so it will FEEL like a few) you will be 3. THREE YEARS OLD! How did this happen? I'm having a lot of mama guilt today because I've been down with mastitis the last 3 days and don't have a single thing to surprise you with in the morning. You can blame brother for trying to look like the good sibling by sleeping so well so early, before mama was ready, since I'm pretty sure that is what got me into this position. Luckily you don't expect anything more than exclamations about it being your real birthday (you like to pretend a lot) and hugs and kisses from me and your brother. Don't worry, I'll make your day special. Every day with you is special my sweet girl, I just don't always appreciate it the way I should. Tomorrow I will, and I hope to remember that more often.

Life with you as a 3 year old is never boring. It never has been, but especially now. I love this video (below this paragraph) because you are talking up a storm not knowing what exactly you are saying. Little did we all know that wouldn't change much. Now if you have stuff to say but can't quite figure out what word to use you just make the noise of the action. Like spitting into the sink after brushing your teeth. You tell us you need to *pfffft* and that is as close to the sound as I can type. It is adorable. Sometimes you make noises you shouldn't know and don't really understand, like today when you told me you were going to *pshew pshew* me, meaning you were pretending to shoot me with a gun. Thanks Tavian, I'm pretty sure I owe that one to you. As well as the *hiya*ing.

I'd like to remember your favorite things right now but......I have no idea what they are. You love life, you love stuff, you love EVERYTHING! Every family member is the best when you are with them, every color of the rainbow is a favorite when you look at it, every toy has their moment, every food is good when you are eating it. You are just full of appreciation and love for life and all the things, and people, in it. Every time we drive past the park you ask if we can stop and go to the park. I never take you, we have all the same things in the backyard but I guess I should. Because you would love it. I have a lot to learn from you little girl. You are FULL of life and ideas and most of all happiness. You laugh and cry and get angry (I know because you tell me so) and every emotion is so vivid with you. Luckily you are most often happy or simply opinionated, hardly every crying or whining, except when fit trowing. I know if I were a better mam to you it would be easier to make all the fits go away. I'll try harder this next year ok? (this video is your first really good laugh, you loved life from the beginning).

Oh Madeleine. Bringing you into this world was not an easy thing for me to do. I don't think it was too easy for you either. But we did it, together, and I'm so happy you are here, my first daughter. My first and forever baby. I love every inch of you and wish I could hold you in my arms right now as I weep while writing this. I hope you remember that, no matter what happens. Your mama loved you so much it made her cry when you were away. Even when she was a grouch she missed you the moment you left her side. That is how amazing you are sweet girl. Happy 3rd birthday. I cannot wait to see how we celebrate together.  (below: an old phone picture of your sweet baby tummy, snoozing on my lap. No wonder you hate to sleep without me ;)

Overdue

I had all kinds of plans to post a lengthy, overly detailed, birth story. That didn't happen and I kind of lost interest in the story. I guess that happens as you move away from birth and into life with your baby. At 3 weeks it feels like old news*snore* and things like poop and throw up are more my current life right now. Exciting! I'm so cool! And interesting! I never leave the house unless it is for the baby!

Anyway, a brief rundown. It was no secret that I wanted a med free labor and delivery. Here is how it went down.
♥ contractions began 10 minutes apart at 4 AM and continue consistently all day.
♥ We ran some last minute errands to pass the time. Mr. Bear liked to shock people by telling them I was in labor. This only happened once but I could tell that he liked it, ok.
♥ Labored intensely at home until 7ish PM then headed to the hospital.
♥ Checked in at 7cm I was feeling like a rock star!
♥ Tub then checked an hour later, 8 1/2 cm
♥ 2 hours after arriving tons of pressure, major panic setting in @ 9 cm
♥ Lots of doubting, baby has been posterior sooooo that = back labor this whole day. I'm tired.
♥ by midnight I'm still at 9 cm and pushing involuntarily but my water still hasn't broken so I ask her to break it in hopes that I can push the baby out within the hour.
♥ Pain. Constant, never ending, intense contractions. Pressure in the wrong area.....I know baby isn't ready to come out.
♥ Pushing on my side/back where I am most comfortable with no change. Still at 9 cm because baby is posterior still and not turning.
♥ Pushing on hands and knees. Nothing.
♥ It's 2 AM. I've been at 9 cm since 10 PM. I yell at everyone a lot and demand an epidural. I am exhausted and cannot move. I know that the baby isn't coming until he turns and that could be hours.
♥ At roughly 3 AM I have the epidural. I'm too tired to be disappointed. Baby's heart rate drops a little but I find a good position for him and fall asleep for 20 minutes.
♥ By 4 AM baby has turned. I credit my nap during which contractions slowed down quite a bit and that is how I will continue to justify giving in to the epidural. Dr. thinks she will need to use forceps, calls backup. She is worried that there is something wrong with baby's position and I might even need a C-Section though the thought never crossed my determined mind.
♥ Pushing.
♥ 4:30 AM more pushing. Dr. says this baby is going to be huge.
♥ 5:04 AM my beautiful baby is born. "It's a boy!" Stephen says. He knew it. He's huge.
♥ 10 lbs 3 oz and cute as a button.

Did I say brief? I suppose this IS brief for me.....

We've been busy living life, too busy to care that things didn't go exactly as I had hoped. Now I feel pretty great and am anxious to drop the excess weight I've been hanging onto for years now. It's hard to be patient. I miss the little kicks inside of me but even waking at night to nurse a baby is easier than sleeping with an enormous painful belly. Jaime fits right in. He complains a lot but doesn't cry too often unless there is no boob when he wants it or someone is holding him who doesn't know how to do the bounce & pat pat system the way mama does. Which means pretty much everyone, except for Gram, and so I do a lot of the holding and calming. I still love him. Mad loves him. I miss giving her all my attention but in all honesty this Summer has been tiring and not that wonderful for mothering so I guess this is better.