Merry End of Holidays

We survived Christmas, although barely, and are just trying to make it past New Years. The hardest thing about this whole holiday thing? Maintaining my good habits. I don't have many, good habits, and my whole world is being rocked with all the bad things influencing me right now. Mainly my diet, which consists of sugar, chocolate, dessert, and carbs, and flossing, which is a bad thing when my diet is as listed above. The first couple of days I felt awful, sick to my stomach, after eating anything sweet. Now, my body is embracing my old lifestyle and I'm craving it more and more. This.Must.Stop. I think we should just toss out all the goodies in the house. But first I want to eat that box of delicious chocolates The Bear gave me. Mmmmm......

This brings up the topic of resolutions for the new year. I've been instructed to find 5....for myself....and then as a couple we will set another 5. TEN???? That is a lot of potential failure. I'm trying to set realistic goals. Like, get better at yoga instead of do yoga 5 times a week. Or, lose at least 1 lb each month until goal weight is reached. It would take me 3 years at that rate but it allows some room for a bad month.

Not sure what my couple goals will be. Is, "stop being a nagging bitch," realistic? Probably not. Neither is, keeping my house clean all the time, always putting my dishes in the dishwasher, sweeping every day (or once a week), discontinue critical behaviors, have a bra on by 10 AM every day, brush my teeth by 10 AM every day, drink less coffee (blasphemy!), or stop napping during Mads morning nap. Not all couple goals, but you get how hard this is going to be for me.

I wish I could make the dog set a resolution. It would be, "stop hogging mama's side of the bed because it makes her regret letting me sleep with them."

And for Mad's it would be, "stop screaming like a banshee during diaper changes for no apparent reason."


Unfortunately I doubt those are reasonable either. But seriously, the diaper changes are extremely difficult these days. When I changed her while out shopping last week she was freaking out so much that I thought she was injured. I'm officially that mom everyone looks at and judges. I want to wave my arms around and tell everyone that I really am a good mom. Most of the time.

Maybe my blogging goal could be to start using punctuation correctly. I don't think that's realistic either. And not very fun. What is fun is enjoying the rest of Christmas break like this.....

Happy End of Holidays

Tonight The Bear and I went out to do some last minute shopping for some friends. MISTAKE! Big mistake. It was raining and crowded and absolutely ridiculous. Baby Bear was awful, which is pretty typical this month. Probably because her nap schedule, that I worked so hard to enforce the first 15 months of her life, has been totally up in the air while we run errands and I give into her fits of clingy not wanting to nap-ness. So, let me say, I cannot wait for Christmas to be over. I'm tired of her opening all 3 of the presents that I put under the tree (because they are too big to hide elsewhere), I'm tired of Christmas music (except for Glee), I'm tired of crowds and selfish bratty humans, basically I've lost the Christmas spirit. Bah hum bug!!! But, I'm super excited for Mads to open presents because she'll be so so excited and that makes me excited. Bratty brat brat!

Just like I got the itch to decorate for Christmas right after Halloween I've started to get the itch actually start decorating for Valentines Day. I've been wanting to make some felt flowers to put on my yarn wreaths and I figured it out FINALLY.

So I made a wreath and I won't lie, it's awesome. I'm saving the whole picture until after I take down my Christmas stuff (TOMORROW! not really, but I wish) and find a spot for it. I can make you one too, if you're nice to me! It's my best wreath yet, I have to admit. Even The Bear lied really well about liking it.

My last glass of wine is almost empty and that means it's time for teeth brushing and bed. Here's to hoping for a bed to myself all night. Myself and Mr. Bear that is. And, not that I don't love a good snuggle but Mads is a really serious bed hog. Just sayin.

Things I'm Loving

In no particular order (because I'm lazy and don't want to rearrange the pics to a particular order), these are some things I love today. I took a few shots tonight, on the fly, so I could post this. I could have (should have) waited until tomorrow so I could take them in natural light but, once again, I'm just too damn lazy. Besides, if it was as easy as saying I'd do it there would be a lot more posts on here lately. So, here you go!

Mads in a winter hat. Cutest.Ever.

Because I'm spoiled McSpoiledson my lover brought me home the ultimate in Lush gift boxes to make up for leaving me alone with an anxious dog, messy house, and satan's spawn our adorable and practically perfect daughter. I stash it in my closet where it can smell lovely every day and I can look and oooo and awwww and wish I could make it last forever.
More Lush, stashed on my closet shelves with the Nora Roberts books The Bear won't let me put on our book shelves. Yep, he's embarrassed. Aren't the colors so pretty (the Lush, not the books)?
My pretty little bench from Target that matches our bed perfectly. It also opens and has storage inside. Not tons of space, but enough. The sad part in this picture is the lack of pretty pillows on my bed. I have ideas of the perfect bed pillows so I'm slow accumulating them. Not to mention that pretty throws are expensive! Note the dark lamp on The Bear's side of the bed. Because he is traveling yet again.
My half decorated Target tree. I loaded the top half of the tree up with pretty/cheap ornaments because I have to leave the bottom emtpy due to little baby hands that like to grab. "Wow wow," she says when I turn the lights on.
My new little entryway bench. It's the perfect size and I'm so happy to have it. The baskets were even included and they are actually pretty nice. I don't sit here to read or drink my coffee but I didn't have anything to fill the other side of the bench!
Love these two. Just because they are awesome and wear things like this.

I love myself for finally buying, and prepping, my prefolds. And of course actually using them. This is a pretty great fold if I do say so myself. Too bad they don't always look so good!
The Angry Bear himself.....and our sweet doggie. Except when he yelps in the night after hearing Mad wake to nurse. The dog, not The Bear.
This face. I love scrunchie nose.
Her. This chair. Books. Bare legs in Winter. Blue eyes. Messy hair.

I love a lot right now. Things I don't love, and thus do not have pictures of, are :

♥ creepy noises in the dark house. There are a lot of them and it freaks me out some nights when I'm alone. aka tonight
♥ wind (probably a huge contributor to the creepy noises)
♥ my empty refrigerator
♥ work travel right before Christmas.
♥ work travel all the time (I know it's necessary but that doesn't mean I have to love it. This is just a "don't love" list, not an "I hate it" list)
♥ Staying up too late when I'm alone
♥ proper punctuation.

So, there you have it. Now I'm off to bed. Someday I'll have a better camera, better photo taking skillz (they are there, I just don't care to try), and the time and energy to take pictures during the day when I don't have to use a flash. Until then, this is what you get.

Snow Diva

Winter has come in full force and every part of me wants to curl up underneath the blankets and hibernate through the next several months. But, I have these....

to keep me busy and happy and warm despite my desire for constant sleep.

We've been busy little Bears with Thanksgiving and other holiday errands to run. Baby Bear has been pretty tuckered out every single night and has slept until after 4AM the last few days. No complaints here! She's also been a serious crack up. We can't take her anywhere without stopping traffic and charming the pants off of every person she comes in eye contact with. I like to think that she makes people happy with her smile, changing their days for the better, and just the other night I got confirmation of that. We were sitting down at dinner when an elderly woman and her husband walked by. Mad beamed up at her with a big toothy grin, scrunching her nose up, and the woman smiled back, "thank you for that smile, I needed it", she said. When my Baby Bear is all grown up I will tell her this story, maybe when she feels like she isn't important or special, (we all have those days don't we?) so she knows how extremely special she always has been. Not just to me and her daddy but to people that don't even know her. The wonderful thing about children is that there is no judgment, no bias, no fear of the things they don't understand. She loves the men the women, the gay the straight, every color of skin, every size big and small, the happy the sad, the shy and the bold. She is something pretty amazing and I am honored to be her mama bear. /emotional blabbering

Counting Sheep

It's no secret that bed time in our house is a nightmare. Not so much the initial going to sleep process, many nights Baby Bear crawls right out of my arms into her cozy bed and kicks me out, but the whole sleeping through the night thing. While she was teething her most recent molar she screamed every time I tried to put her back in her own bed after nursing in the middle of the night. It was exhausting and the only way she wanted to sleep was snug in my arm on the bed that sits next to her crib, lets be honest, porta crib (we bought a full size co-sleeper and just lowered it rather than spending the money on a huge A crib we didn't have room for before the move). Then came the hives and two days of being in our bed, sleeping with her hands entangled in my hair, feet propped on my belly, head snugged on my super comfy pillow (that I've hoarded since I was a teenager, it's the best and even The Bear knows it), ruined her. She went from not sleeping well in our room to LOVING the family bed. She's always loved to snuggle in bed with us but for a few months she was just too excited and wiggly to fall asleep.


For me it's just easier to bring a crying baby into bed with us because I know she'll sleep the rest of the night and the thought of using the nightstand as a pillow is sometimes better than trying to constantly go to a baby who flips every time I put her back down. It's easier emotionally anyway. Most mornings I wake up pretty sore but not exhausted. The Bear, on the other hand, doesn't love it. He rarely complains, about anything I do, but inside it's there. The thought that never again will he ever let a child co-sleep with us. He likes our bed to be for us. He likes to be the one to curl up on my pillow with his face pressed into the back of my neck. It's his territory and he likes it that way.

I don't know what the future holds for us and our sometimes family bed. I know that the thought of fighting a child on sleeping with us if that's what they really really want is hard for me. I hate letting Baby Bear cry because I'm so tired of rocking, for hours on bad nights, while she sleeps in my arms that I have to just put her down and go to bed. I hate that she still struggles so much when it comes to sleeping at night.

I know that she is more attached to me than ever and that only seems to be increasing. She comes over to my arms for a cuddle often through out the day while playing. She just needs to rest her head on my mama chest for a moment to be reminded that I am there. When she is sleeping peacefully next to me, stirring and reaching out to wrap her arms around my warm body, I know I am doing what humans did with their children for centuries before the invention of cribs, crying it out, and houses big enough for designer nurseries. And...it feels right. I wish it didn't. It's a subject of disagreement for us and it would be easier if, just once, I could roll over and do what The Bear thinks is best instead of getting all emotional and maternal while I over analyze what sort of damage I might be doing to my child if I let her "manipulate" us on sleep routines or don't. I hate that word, manipulate. No one has successfully convinced me that a baby crying because being with mama is the best feeling in the world and nothing compares to that sort of emotional and physical euphoria is manipulation.

I just read this really great blog on Babycenter about this very subject, which prompted my post. I've read her blog before and I love it. She has a great writing style and I love the French thrown in here and there.

I have to mention that since her molar is in and another hasn't begun to break yet she has been doing better at night. She slept through the night once and has gone down like an angel every other night waking to nurse but going back to bed immediately and not making any fuss whatsoever. Maybe this is her meeting us in the middle. Simply on her own terms. So like her mother.....

Pack Rat

Tonight The Bear was packing for a quick trip. He left his suitcase in the front room with a pocket open. Our daughter, who does all of this lately.....






....decided that she needed to pack some stuff too. In went her new snowman jammies and her current favorite movie cover. There is no point other than, hello, how cute is that. I wish I would have zipped the pocket up so The Bear would find them in his hotel room. I know he misses her so much while he's gone, even if it's for less than 24 hours. I know sometimes I miss her just when she's napping or down for the night. Like now. I was just uploading iphone pictures and looking at all her little tiny baby face pictures and it made me want to cry.

She's trying so hard to communicate clearly these days. She'll jabber for several minutes and then look at us like we're nuts because we have no clue what she said. When I talk on the phone she takes it away from me and starts talking and then adds a super fake laugh at the end, all while running away from me of course. She's been signing "more" and "all done" (like when she's in the grocery cart and says all done like that is somehow going to make the shopping end) for a while now but hasn't picked up on any others. A few days ago she wanted a toy that she couldn't reach and was "eh eh ehing" at me. I signed help and asked her if that's what she wanted. She anxiously repeated the sign several times as I pulled the toy out. Minutes later she did it again. Now she's added a sweet little "hep" from time to time when she signs it and I melt. Baby signs and baby words are the cutest ever.

I've been in a weird funk the last couple of weeks. I've kind of been a bummer for myself to be around and The Bear just bought a plastic dog house for me to sleep in out back. I'm blaming the sugar with drawls. Truthfully I think it's all the self loathing I've done, hence the power to overcome the sugar in the first place. So, I'm trying to work on that because it's cold outside and I like my bed and personal foot warmer. But it will be a lot easier when I lose 40 lbs.

Oh wait, I just have to say that Mad put my shoes on today and was clomping around the closet and bathroom. THAT is the cutest thing ever. Yep. Probably more so than the times that she gets my headbands out and successfully gets them on her head. Note to self: get a picture of that cuteness. Why would anyone want to be a bummer with such a perfect life?

Give Me Hive!

What an absolutely miserable couple of days! Have you figured out that this is going to be a bit of a bummer post? I'll make sure to say some positive things too, don't worry. I guess that is a positive before I even state the negative! Things can be miserable here at the Angrybear house and yet there are millions of wonderful moments. Even more positive is that I truly do notice them.

On Wednesday night, after my blog post, Baby Bear woke crying. I went into her room and seriously, there are no words to describe the smell. It.was.awful. Gagging I changed her diaper, and pj's, before deciding to let her sleep with us for the rest of the night. The nursery was toxic, I kid you not. I don't know how I noticed but there were hives (like the other night after bath time) on her arm. I pulled her jammies off and they were all over her arms and legs. FREAKING OUT (an action, by me)! The Bear and I went back and forth about taking her to the ER. After a call to our insurance provided after hours over the phone medical thingy we decided that since they seemed to be fading we'd wait until morning. She snuggled in but woke about 20 minutes later and there were bigger hives in all new places. My mama bear heart just couldn't take it so we packed up the car and headed to the ER (at 1 in the morning, yes.)

It was a typical ER visit. Or wait, it was not typical because it was empty and we just walked right in, but the dr. didn't really give us a whole lot of info just said she had an allergic reaction and gave us some meds for the next few days. Thursday I made two frantic calls to our pediatrician and fretted over my baby bear all day. She was fine. Happy, playful, healthy. Just covered in huge hives from head to toe. They would go away only to come back again when a certain part of her body got warm. By bedtime I was exhausted from worrying. She was exhausted from the Benedryl. We crashed together in my bed and slept fitfully all night.

I love love love when she rolls over and wraps her arms around me, or pats around with her eyes closed until she finds my arm to snuggle with. I love feeling her breath on my face. I love waking to see my baby has helped herself to some nursies in her sleep. I won't focus on how I don't love resting my head on my nightstand to sleep because apparently she is just like her daddy and thinks my pillow is much more comfy than her pillow. In fact, my entire side of the bed is better! So, today I'm exhausted. Luckily she woke with no hives. I'm not sure that will last but I enjoyed a stress free, zombified, morning.

When she wakes from her nap I'll pack her in the car and head out to Target for more detergent (I deleted the paragraph the explained a new laundry detergent that probably isn't the culprit but is being replaced just to be safe) and some chocolate pudding. How does chocolate pudding have anything to do with this? Oh yeah, that disgusting medicine that she has to take. The stuff that makes her scream and writhe around as I try desperately to pin her down while forcing her to swallow. By myself, I might add, since I'm feeling depressed about being left alone during all this misery while The Bear is enjoying the calm warmth of Florida on a not so worky work trip. So, I'm buying chocolate pudding to try and trick her into taking it without fuhREAKING out and thus preventing me from feeling like an abusive mother. Maybe I'll eat a few while I'm at it. I don't even know who to feel more sorry for, her or me. Ok, her, obviously. Silver lining? I have had so so so many long snuggles the last two days. With a toddler walking baby those moments are precious.

Tea and Crumpets

Today, after lunch with some girlfriends, Mad and I went to get a little chocolate treat. Oh, wait, did I just admit to slipping on my no sugar rule? Yes, yes I did but it was only a little and mother nature was telling my body I needed it. In the form of cramps and tears. Nuff said.

It was cold, but not too cold, and the streets in the little outdoor shopping plaza were closed off for construction. My arms were full of baby, leftovers from lunch, bag of chocolate, and bulky diaper bag so I set Mad down to walk beside me on her own. She.was.thrilled! She walks all over at home but rarely outside. The park has lots of curbs that cause falls but this, this was just a big empty space, with lots of people and noises and fun new things to explore. Looking down at my daughter I smiled and enjoyed the lazy walk to the car. She squealed at her reflection in the windows, she tested out all the benches, she swung her little arms as she toddled up and down the little streets and sidewalks. In fact, she was so happy walking that she didn't even notice to pull her coat hood off. Point for me!


Last night I had an emotional breakdown and cried and cried. Somewhere in my mind I imagine that a good mother doesn't have to try as hard as I do to be a "good mother". Me, I have to try constantly. I wish it was easy to wake up at the crack of dawn just because I know I get to spend the day with my girl, but it isn't and I usually put off getting out of bed for as long as she'll snuggle quietly with me (thank you Curious George!). I'm sure there are lots of good mothers out there who didn't put off cleaning their bedrooms and bathrooms of toys so they could browse cloth diaper products online. A good mother wouldn't have to focus constantly on how much cleaning they do....and have a cluttered house to show for it. Most women probably cook a whole meal without requiring daddy to entertain the little one. I also would bet that they don't spill the pepper all over the floor and set the fire alarm off on a regular basis. That's just how I do things in this house. Don't be jealous because you don't have to try as hard as I do.

I might not be naturally perfect, but my child is. And I'm telling you, it takes no effort whatsoever to love the hell out of her. Also, I don't think it takes her any effort to be crazy awesome all the time. I mean, she walks around with her shirt pulled up over her round belly tickling herself. That is the definition of crazy awesome. She also roars at strangers in public. That is the alternative definition.

Worried Rambling

Am I allowed to say that it has been a long week when we're only on Monday? Time change just threw the whole routine through a big fiery loop and it feels like the last two days have been an eternity.

On Sunday (an appropriate day for eternity to begin, no?) Mr. Bear and I were restless, like whoa, and itching to get out of the house, by noon, or one according to our brains/bodies. We piled our Angrybear selves into the car and took Baby Bear to the aquarium. I've been meaning to invite my girlfriends and their kiddos to go with us on a boring cold day but this day was desperate for entertainment. As it turns out it was better just the three of us went because Mad, who I was sure would looooove the whole thing, was more than a little afraid at a lot of the big fish (and penguins!). Also, she was petrified of the big plastic frog. Who would have thought my fearless munchkin would flip out over a cute frog?! But, she really like the tanks with tiny, bright, fish and frogs so we had some white knuckled, clingy, fun.

This morning we woke to cloudy skies that threatened rain. After a very long night, in a week of many many long nights (molars), I bumbled through the morning routine before naps and then a trip to the craft store. It was snowy/rainy and so so cold. Welcome Winter.

After book time I noticed a voicemail from my sister....my niece, the one that Mads loves to hug and kiss on, has strep throat. My stomach felt sick (still does). First of all, my poor poor niecey. Up all night crying, for days, and in so much icky pain. Second of all, we were just with her the night before. Both Mad and I loved on her. The Bear travels this week, I can not be home alone with a strep throat baby, or a strep throat me.

During bath time I asked The Bear to put some lavender drops in to help calm Mad down, hopefully, so we could get a night of good sleep. When we pulled her out her legs and bum we covered in huge raised spots and were burning to the touch. Mama freak out! We assume he put too much oil in the water (we've used this same oil her entire life with no issues) and she had a reaction. She was oblivious so we let her play on our bed without clothes so we could keep an eye on her. Sooner than later they faded away and off to bed she went.

Now I'm just sitting up wondering if she might be getting sick and hoping her jammies didn't irritate her legs, even though the spots were all gone. So yes, a long long mama day. My heart races at the thought of my little Bear going through any pain at all. She is never sick, has only had 2 or 3 colds her entire life, so I'm not sure how to handle any problems. I continually panic at the thought of waking in the night to a very high fever. So, even if she sleeps tonight, which I DOUBT she will, I have a feeling I won't be doing much of it either way. Who knew being the mama could be so hard (everyone, I'm pretty sure).

My Name is Melissaa & I'm an Addict....

Yesterday The Bear sent me a link about sugar as an addiction. I confess, it's addiction we both suffer from, and it was sort of embarrassing to read about how lab mice would rather have sugar water than cocaine. I'm just a chubby lab mouse!

I wasn't always this way! Although I've always appreciated a treat when I'm bored/busy/tired/stressed/happy/sad (emotional gratification much?) but it was never to an extreme. Enter an Alien baby that would eventually be my Baby Bear. I was worried that I would crave meat during my pregnancy but, unless you count the dreams about corn dogs I had in the beginning, I didn't. Instead I craved all things sugar (and some curly fries). It's likely that sugar had a lot to do with the weight I gained....and haven't been able to lose.

Haven't been able to lose because.......once the sugar addiction started I haven't been able to kick it. And it's depressing. Just before Halloween The Bear started a diet. We bought more candy then you could even imagine (really!) and when way more than half of it was leftover after the holiday and I was left to face it alone. Kit Kat's sounded good first thing in the morning, and then another, and another, and another. Reeses, Milk Duds, Whoppers. Whoa boy was I in trouble. So, I packed up the candy, dropped it off to my mom's house to save for Gingerbread house making and have been in withdrawals ever since. I've lost 3 lbs of sugar weight this week (I gave up Dr. Pepper too!) and I feel like I'm going to die. Sad really! But sugar cravings are better than self loathing right? RIGHT??????

Last night I was thinking about addictions and I glanced at my nightstand, the very home of my other addiction. Catalogs (and some magazines but not the celebrity kind). Real Simple, Pottery Barn Kids, William Sonoma, & Sundance...just to name the few I'm browsing right now. When The Bear comes in the house with new mail I am absolutely giddy thinking about looking through a brand new, fresh & crisp, catalog. I like to browse through them quickly, first, and then go back the second time and look at each page more carefully. In decor magazines I like to imagine all the cute things in my own house, I often exclaim to Mr. Bear, "oh isn't this so cute! It would look great *insert room here*," and he just shakes his head. I mark pages, get inspiration, and generally just gush over everything. If it's clothing or jewlery I tab pages with things I wish I could have, or wish I could look good in, and try to put together a mental image of each outfit I'm imagining buying. How often do I actually order from these magazines? Almost never. Everything is overpriced and I can't really justify buying a lot any of it.

My addiction to cataloging (as I like to call it) comes from my mom. When I was a teenager my favorite thing to do was tab pages in the Victoria's Secret catalog. Every so often my mom would let my older sister and I pick a thing or two to actually order. These days I love going to my parent's and finding a catalog I don't receive sitting on the counter. My mom and I will sit together and choose our favorite items (cardigans have been the thing of the season) and argue over which color is best. The Bear doesn't understand why we do this to ourselves, when often we can't/don't buy anything, but I guess it's just an "us" thing. It's a happy addiction and one I don't mind indulging in. Also, it has fewer side effects than my sugar addiction.

Best & Worst

Today Mad and I were at the elementary school, voting (just me though, she wasn't registered on time,) and after I set her down so she could roam about she returned to me wrapping her arms around my legs for a great big hug. That was one of about twenty thousand millions hugs I got that day. Mama FTW!

On Saturday I was giving Mad a bath when she got her funny pee shiver face and out popped a lovely brown gift. Thanks for that daughter. I held her naked, dangling in my out stretched arms, dripping water all over the floor, while I called The Bear from upstairs. He mostly dry heaved while he took care of the problem and then I cleaned the tub while my little angel danced around the house naked like she planned it the whole time. Fail!

Tonight I nursed my little baby (don't you dare say toddler) and she fell asleep next to me. It's been AGES since she's done this, probably since she realized that she could roll over and crawl away instead of having to fall asleep, so I was in shock, and in heaven. Never one to pass up the opportunity to kiss on her without having my face shoved away (no time for kissing MOOOOOOOOM!) I tentatively kissed her warm, round, baby cheek. Not so much as a stir (I can't tell you how many times I've undone 20 minutes or more of hard work by waking her with my kisses,) so I did it again...and again and again and again. Baby FTW!

I told Mr. Bear that I'm feeling like I never want to stop nursing her. Of course I don't want to continue forever, I just feel like lately she and I have been close like never before and I want it to never ever go away. I want her to stay my baby & my mama's girl. Nursing gives me that feeling of mom euphoria these days and I swear she feels it too. Hence the leg hugs....and the poops? Somewhere I know deep down that if we stopped we'd still have all those moments. But as long as I have a nursling I won't be baby hungry so The Bear will have to be in full support. Apparently he's not baby hungry yet. What's his deal? Does he hate babies or something?

Halloween(ish)

When weeks go by it's obvious that blogging has become less off a priority in my life. A fact I hate, because I've always enjoyed writing, but when you have a toddling little one life becomes so busy with the chasing, picking up after, searching out, (because you turned your head to sneeze and all of a sudden you hear slamming of some drawer/door and, for the life of you, you can't figure out which room it was coming from so, begin frantic search) & comforting, that you forget about all the other things that you used to think you loved so much. At least that is what has happened to me. I've gotten used to cleaning the contents of my kitchen drawers off of the floor at least 5 times a day (not even kidding!) because that is the only way I can get a meal cooked. Then I have to clean the mess while she eats and once she's done eating I have to clean the mess from that while she empties the drawers, again. Really!

Thankfully Mr. Bear has been a huge (HUGE) help lately and at the end of every day, when we are both exhausted and ready to sleep, he helps me do one final clean up. We sweep away the abandoned remnants of vegetables and pasta that were tossed overboard when dinner started to get a little boring, scrub the dishes that were used as a food finger painting canvas, tuck the plastic spoons back in their drawers, remove the dolls/blocks from the cabinets, stow away the well loved books, fold the laundry (for the second time), and crash on the couch with a drink or ten. He even put her to bed one night while I was out helping my teenage sister find a costume, epic!

In between all of the chasing around we've been doing the typical October activities. Eating pumpkin pie. Oh, and pumpkin picking & costume wearing.


Originally I was going to get her a cute Pottery Barn costume. Then I realized that we weren't going trick or treating (good thing we didn't plan on it) and had no where to go so it would have been a waste. SOOOOO, I passed on spending a small fortune for fabric cut into cute shapes. We had a little Piggy outfit from Gap that we figured she could wear, even though the booties didn't fit and it was a game to see how many times she could pull the hat off, and it was perfect for handing out candy. Halloween was approaching and The Bear and I are out buying candy. I don't know why I walked down the crappy costume aisle (sparkles and cheap fabric that will probably fall of and rip by the end of the night) but I did and that's where I discovered a mini Tinkerbell outfit. Baby Bear adores all things Tinkerbell (thanks to daddy) and carries her Tinkerbell around the house all day long making her fly about (sound effects and everything) so wouldn't it be cute/funny for her to wear it while we hand out candy? I thought so and even though it was mostly too small, it was too damn cold to wear without undershirts and leggings (even indoors), she wouldn't keep the wings on, & she wasn't going "treating", she was the cutest fairy I've ever seen. The proof is in the pictures.



We would have taken her around the neighborhood with her cousins but Utah doesn't Trick or Treat on Sunday and Saturday was the coldest, rainiest, most awful day of the year so far. There were MAYBE 30 kids that came by the house so we have enough leftover candy to build small candy village. Ultimately Halloween was a major let down, despite our cute child. Hopefully the rest of the holidays will be better! Also, if you live in Utah and want some candy come on over!

Weekend Warrior (not the Churchy kind)

There is truly nothing like a quiet house on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. NOTHING! Ok, maybe a really nice bottle of wine and a piece of exquisite chocolate cake in addition to a quiet house, but one can't have everything all at once.....

The Bear was busy this morning getting the yard ready for Winter. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday we were moving into this house and feeling overwhelmed with all the work to get done. That is not to say we have all the things we need to make this home exactly what I want but we knocked out a huge chunk this Summer and now we have a BEAUTIFUL lawn. It's a little bit depressing to know that just as the weeds are starting to fade and all the dry patches have filled we have to Winterize the yard and get ready for the first snow. This morning I walked out to a beautiful green back yard and marveled at how much more I love my house now that it doesn't look all white trash with mile high weeds and dead lawn. I just have to keep reminding myself how great it will be next year *sigh*.

Baby Bear is walking now and it's safe to say she keeps me on my toes. She just goes and goes and goes, then passes out for a 2 hour nap only to wake up and go a million miles an hour until the next nap. She's exhausting and wonderful all at the same time. Which is another reason weekends are so awesome. I know I'm lucky to have a partner to carry the load with me but during the week it all starts to build up and 5 days with barely enough energy/time to shower and get ready or keep things clean starts to push me over the edge. Then the weekend comes and I feel so relieved to know that I can clean during nap time and still get a shower because someone is here to help me. And today, when Baby Bear didn't want to nap, crying sounded much better apparently, and I was at the edge of sanity, Mr. Bear was there to take a turn so I could shower and get my shit back together. Also, he gets to stay in bed with us in the morning and feel the joy of snuggling in bed with a warm baby. If she'll hold still that is. So, exhausting & awesome! I'm glad he is here to share it all with me.

I have to add that as much as we will miss the warm days Baby Bear is sooo ready for Halloween! Check it out....

Falling for Fall

Now that the sickness is gone things have calmed down. The last week was difficult, I was tired and ornery and it's safe to say I wasn't being the partner I needed/wanted to be, but it's over and a succession of really amazing days helps to forget it. And by forget I mean simply to stop obsessing over the details of what made that week so awful.

Fall has settled in here in Utah and Baby Bear and I are loving every minute of it. We go on relaxing, albeit short walks, open the windows so the house smells of fresh air, and enjoy the colors of the season. The colors around us are more gorgeous than I remember from years past. The burnt oranges and greenish yellows roll around the hills and give a crisp warmth to our Earth. I've never considered myself much of a seasonal decorator (for example, I'll decorate for Halloween but won't replace pillows candles, flower vases, etc. for each season) but this year I'm really wishing I had a seasonal decorations budget. I'd love to throw some Fallish pillows on the couch or have more surfaces to put up candles, garlands, pumpkins, and things of that sort. I have so much space to decorate in the future but right now, this season, I have a lot of empty corners and not enough places that can easily accommodate frequent decor changes.

However, I do have some space outside! I have a pretty small front porch and a couple little nooks out front which make it easy to fill and decorate. I've been coveting these yarn wreaths for well over a year now but at forty bucks, or more, a pop I knew that I could afford ONE for the whole year, not multiple wreaths, plus buying it wouldn't give me the satisfaction of figuring out how to do it myself. So this week I did it. I asked The Bear if I could spend $20 at the craft store, not sure what I was going to spend it on, and then I decided to go for it. It took me one day and even though I spent just a little more than the $20 planned I have a lot of extra Fall flowers to use in the future. I admit that it's a far cry from the beautiful wreaths on Etsy, but the idea is to get a feel for it and eventually they will get better. I can't wait to do one for Christmas!



Please excuse our awful front door. I hate it and hopefully will be able to at least sand it down and re-stain it before Winter. Door's are expensive!

I Got Out of Bed...& Bumped My Head

Maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired or maybe it's because I've had one of "those days," (you know, the days where everything you do and say comes out a little harsher than you intended it, or you opened your big mouth at all when you knew you should have just kept it shut altogether) but the intense feeling of failure is just overwhelming. Alright, over dramatics aside, I simply feel like I can't win just by being me today.

Parenthood & partnerships/marriages are two of those fuzzy, feel good, me love you long time sorts of experiences that you can't help but feel intense gratitude for being involved in. Most days are surrounded by laughter, hugs, smiles, slight chaos (the good kind), & much much love. Other days, for me anyway, begin on the wrong side of the bed and end with the whole bed to yourself (not the good kind). They are few and far between, really they are, but when I have them it's enough to make me wonder why/how I ever thought I was so awesome to begin with.

For example? I thought I was an awesome, attentive, loving, home cooked meal, sort of mama but today my almost 13 month old daughter ate an Arby's roast beef for lunch and Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner (I couldn't have even done the Organic kind???), she cried when I took her out of my sister's arms (the quivering lips and huge crocodile tears type of crying), & she picked up the television remote and carried it over to me whining and pointing to the television. Guess the 6 AM Sesame Street in bed & sanity saving Tinkerbell movie does more damage than good. My bad! Mom of the year at your service!

Or this; I feel like I try to be patient and understanding with The Bear when it comes to these two things, work & parenting. Instead the first thing I do when he sits down to play with us at the end of his work day is bark at him for checking work email at the same time. Never mind the trip to NYC that work email just paid for, or my beautiful home & brand new car. And when we sit down for dinner, rather than expressing gratitude that he is feeding the baby so I can eat before my food goes cold for once, I criticize him for not doing the feeding just the way I think he should be doing it; which is something I've struggled with since day one, "hold her neck! rock her MY way! smile more! talk more! laugh more!". Just saying it all aloud makes me want to kick myself out of the house. In my head I am telling myself that I'm patient and understanding a lot of other times and maybe I had every right to react the way I did (I was sick and exhausted right?) but I never have been good at pep talks and mostly just feel worse the longer I analyze the situation.

Unfortunately even though I recognize these flaws in myself it is extremely likely that I will, flip on Sesame Street when Baby Bear is brought to me at 6 AM (or earlier) tomorrow morning, fill up another day with not so homemade meals because I'm still recovering from the sickness, get my feelings hurt when Baby Bear wants my sister more than me, & feel, possibly un-justified, resentment toward Mr. Bear's Iphone....and vocally express that resentment. All of these realizations are contributing to this overwhelming feeling of utter parent & partner failure.

So I sure hope that this day can be blamed on my sickness because I know the runny nose won't last and this losing streak sure as hell can't last either lest I spend the remainder of my life being constantly plagued with the knowledge that I am a sub-par, overly critical, & nagging woman (reminded by no one other than myself). /pity party

In The City

Ahhh....it feels so good to be home. Well, I mean it would have felt good if it weren't for the souvenir I picked up in NYC in the form of sniffles, sore throat, & body aches. Now I'm in bed just begging the day to end. I don't get to take a walk with my baby. I can hardly enjoy playing with her because it hurts to enjoy anything. Being a mom when you are sick is tough.

Despite today's sickness I enjoyed a beautiful homecoming with my girl last night. She has a great weekend with my family filled with attention and adoration all directed at her. Being the center of attention is her favorite thing to do! I was anxious before I left about her taking a bottle (she always refuses it which is why we waited until after 1 year to take any extended time away from her) but the new Breastflow bottle I picked up worked wonders.

After that my anxiety shifted to nursing when we got home. Would she? I've heard of so many babies who just decide they are done when they have a couple days with a bottle. We walked in the door late at night to a quiet house. I went to put some comfortable clothes on so I could sneak in and pull her out of bed to nurse sleepily, hoping for more success. I'd pumped for over a month trying to build up my freezer stock of milk and I really wanted to continue nursing after I got home for at least another 8-12 months. When I walked out of the bathroom a sleepy smiling face greeted me at the door. Into my arms flew my little one, patting, hugging, & kissing me. Heaven! "Would you like nursies," I asked her? She patted my chest, her signal that yes, indeed, she did. We crawled into my bed and spent a glorious 5 minutes (speedy little bugger) snuggling while she nursed. It seems as though we are destined to continue, and I am so grateful.

As for NYC, well, it was wonderful. I discovered in the car that I'd forgotten my camera so we were stuck with Iphones and The Bear's SLR. Not exactly great tourist picture taking devices. I tried to force him into taking some self portraits on his phone but they just did not turn out. So....I have nothing to show for my trip except the happy look on my face as I type this.

We ate delicious Sushi, visited the Empire State Building at night (beautiful!), toured Liberty Island, ate pizza at Lombardi's (fresh motz, in house roasted red peppers, sauteed mushrooms, garlic spinach, & ricotta.....a foodie's dream come true!), & saw Mary Poppins on Broadway. We attempted the shopping scene, and bought lots of lovely handmade jewelry (a gorgeous blue topaz tension ring among other sweet finds in the Little Italy area just next to Soho) but I got discouraged when it was obvious that fashion savvy NYC doesn't market to chubby mom's who haven't lost all of their baby weight. I can count the number of women I know that are a size 23 on one hand (or one finger!) but every rack was filled with 22, 23 & 24 sizes, it was amazing to me that anyone could shop there at all. Even in my skinny days I could only fit my pinky finger in some of the clothes they sold. Defeated only for now I've vowed to return when I'm back down to my normal size.

Despite the mostly bad clothes experience I have to give a shout out to the Levi brand. There was a huge store right by our hotel and, always on the prowl for new jeans, The Bear and I went in. I found an incredible pair of skinny jeans, that I've been needing for boot wearing this winter, that actually came in my size and fit really well! They have different "curve" fits and it makes a big difference. I was shocked to pay over $70 for Levi's but it was worth it. The Bear got his own pair of jeans that actually make him look like there is a hint of a bum underneath all that denim. If you've ever seen him from behind you know this is a pretty huge deal! It wasn't exactly exciting NYC shopping but we went home happy.

So, here I am. Sick and more than a little exhausted, wasting my nap time on a long, wordy, blog post. To make things exciting I'll add in a couple yummy baby faced pictures of my Baby Bear playing. Did I mention how much I missed her this weekend??? I really did!

Craft-O-Rama

Since we bought the house I've been obsessively searching the internet for design ideas to help me fill up all the empty wall and corner space. I've replaced a lot of my favorite celebrity mom blog spots with design on a dime style blogs and they've given me the itch to start re-finishing furniture more often.

Years ago I helped a friend finish a table for his house. During the whole process he bitched and moaned about how he could have found the same table, finished the exact same way, for a lot less money, at DownEast and he wouldn't be stuck in the garage at that very moment, with paint fumes filling his nostrils, in the middle of Winter. I admit we didn't really know what we were doing and did almost all the sanding by hand (there was A LOT of it!) which made the process even longer but it gave me the itch and I've never lost it. Sometimes I wonder if he still appreciates that table and all the work we put into it......probably not. But I appreciate the lesson learned!

My itch to thrift shop for furniture to re-finish is also coupled with the strong desire to add some color to my home. I don't want to just have a stand to throw keys on I want to have a COLORFUL one. I want to have a red/blue/green/orange/yellow console that I can hide all the awful electronics in my living room. I want to have the awesome creative furniture that people "oooo" and "awwww" at when they enter my home. Currently I am a RcWilley couch owning, Costco rug loving, Pier One table dining woman. I hate that there is no character to my entry way. I loathe my cluttered counters. I despise my poor attempt at pillow creativity. I need to be more crafty!!!!!

I enjoy finding a project and getting to work on it. Mostly it's my sticktoitivness that starts to lag after a while. When we moved in I was going to do everything, ALL AT ONCE! Of course after finishing two picture frames and not really loving the design outcome I sort of lost my momentum. A shelf for Baby Bear's bedroom sat, forgotten, on top of the washer/dryer for months. I shocked myself when I ordered, and actually picked up, a gorgeous photograph that my dad shot. The easy option was to buy a frame from Target and I shocked myself again when I found energy one day and hung it. This required measuring, marking, & leveling which are not things I enjoy. And you know what. I love that picture. It really adds to our small bathroom and every time I see it I smile.

This weekend while The Bear was sick and my mom was babysitting Baby Bear for our not so datey "date night" I pulled out the shelf for the nursery. I sanded and painted that night and the next morning I put the last coat on and did some antiquing. It turned out lovely! The Bear helped me hang it and, aside from agonizing over what should be placed on the shelf itself, it looks amazing! When Mad wakes up from her naps she smiles at me and points to it, showing me the new addition to her room. She's very attentive to details in her space and the fact that I have her approval gives me the drive to do more.

So, here's a goal for the Fall/Winter. Be crafty. Furniture, frames, candle holders, kitchen decor. Whatever it may be, large or small, I'm going to get it done before Spring. Ok. Maybe not all of the things that need to get done. But some of them. A lot of them. And it won't take me weeks of mental preparation either. Maybe next year I'll have the nerve to approach the subject of wall painting with The Bear......

It's My Party

Today my beautiful daughter turned One. One year ago I held her in my arms for the first time. One year ago I knew what it was like to feel an absolute unconditional love. One year ago my life was forever changed and I'm so glad that it was. These months have gone by too quickly but they have been so wonderful. She brings a light and a life to our days that I cannot even describe. Her bright eyes sparkle with happiness and wonder from the moment she wakes in the morning until I snuggle her to sleep at night. I watch her laugh and play and I am in awe that I had a part in creating such a perfect being. Mr. Bear and I are so lucky to be her parents and my heart is overflowing with my love for her.









The weekend has been filled with family, friends & fun but I think I can safely speak for both Mad and myself when I say that we are looking forward to the nice quiet week ahead. All the excitement has made her a little clingy, which is entirely out of the ordinary, so I plan to spend the week doing a lot of snuggling and playing with all the new fun toys she has. I am sad that her first year is ALREADY over but I know that the next months will be more fun than ever.

Happy Birthday my beautiful daughter! I love you more and more each day.

Miles of Piles

It's late...for me anyway.....and I have a gigantic pile of towels to fold.....and they are still sitting in the same place I put them first thing this morning, right on the couch, next to the spot that I have planted my lazy self, NOT folded. To be exact there are 5 folded towels. Only 20 million to go.

The Bear was tired and headed off to bed almost an hour ago. Right now he is snoring so loudly that I can hear him through the wall and closed doors (guess this means I won't be joining him any time soon since sleeping next to a snoring bear is nearly impossible). On the bed next to him is a huge pile of clothes that I threw there this morning and never put away. Do you see a pattern?

I also have jeans in the dryer and a tub full of soaking diapers that need to be moved to the washer. Diapers that haven't been used since basically the day we moved in to the new house. Something about two weeks of baby diarrhea (TMI!) which then turned into a consistent 3 poops a day-er baby, a broken diaper sprayer, & super funky smelling dipes from too much hard water and terrible washing habits. Excuses that are all as stinky as my diapers but I've felt a little buried lately. Not to mention fighting against an Angryatclothdiapers Bear who has been less than enthusiastic (but I love him anyway) toward my cloth since we moved in. Pretty sure he sabotaged my diaper sprayer (love you Mr. Bear, if you even read my blog anymore!).

So instead of doing all this folding of laundry that is basically BEGGING to be done....I'm reading craft/design blogs. Yep. And oogling over all the projects I'll probably never do but really wish I could. My most crafty project since the move has been a couple of picture frames and a letter "T" that I finished to go over the mantle. Even that took me about 3 days longer than it should have. Sitting on top of my dryer is an unfinished shelf for Baby Bear's bedroom that is entirely lacking in the decor department. I swore I would have this finished before her birthday when all the family is here to view how much I haven't done to the place. I am a sad un-crafty mama. Other crafts on my list? An Autumn yarn wreath for the front door & a book wreath for the empty library/"formal" living room. I say "formal" because nothing in my life will ever be successfully formal, I'm just not that classy.

/tangent. I think the snoring has gotten quieter so I really am going to fold these towels so I can sneak into bed. Hopefully without disturbing The Bear's sleep.

Reminiscing - The First Year

My daughter is turning 1 in a, very short, week. I try to soak up all my moments with her now, pre-one year old, so I never forget what it feels like. How her wispy hair tickles my cheek as I slowly rock her to sleep, the way the softest skin on her neck and shoulders feels against my lips when I kiss her over and over and over again there (it's my little spot of heaven), how she buries her head in my chest when she wants to be close to me, how her chubby hands look perched on top of my breast as she nurses, and the blissful feeling of having her so much a part of me still, relying on me for nourishment, comfort, love, soothing; I wouldn't have it any other way.

When a couple welcomes a child into their lives for the first time every other parent around them explains how fast it will go and how before you know it they'll be graduating high school, having babies of their own, & moving on with their own grown up lives. Do they all feel the way I do when they say this? Aching knowing that the sweet beings we hold, nurse, kiss, hug, love constantly day in and day out are going to grow out of us so much sooner than we will ever be ready for? I see friends, and even strangers, and I want to yell out to them, "it DOES go so fast and you won't know, you won't understand, what that means until it's already past!". There's just nothing you can do to slow it down.

The joy of watching her grow and change is mixed with the sadness of watching her leave each stage behind. Every day that she still holds her little arms up for me to pick her up I try to remind myself that sooner, not later, she will be able to run so fast she won't need my arms to carry her where she wants to go. Every night she calls for me because she needs to be snuggled and nursed before she can fall back to sleep is one closer to the night she stops wanting me to comfort her. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I still don't get all the sleep I want every night but then I stop and think...and I realize that some unlucky parents have had 30 minutes (ore more) LESS snuggling each day than I have gotten this entire first year. Yes, that is how I choose to look at it. I'M the lucky one. And let me just say that middle of the night snuggles are so much snugglier (not a word, I realize) than day time snuggles. Their heavy, sleepy bodies just curl up so easily and rather than yanking hair and earrings the darkness soothes them and little arms and fingers find a resting spot across your chest as they slumber contently in your arms. I love love love it. Even when I'm tired and think I hate it I still love it.

I hate to say goodbye to this first year. I hate that some people will start calling my BABY a toddler. I wish I could freeze time. But I can't, and I know I'll love this next year just as much as the first. I know that my baby will always be MY baby. I know I'll still get snuggles even if I have to wait until she's worn out and ready for bed before I get them. They are worth waiting for.

I've loved this year so much. I love my baby so much. I love being a mama so much more than I ever could have imagined I would have. Now my little munchkin is waking and will be calling for her mama any moment so I must wipe away the tears and enjoy my baby.

Days Like These

When Mad wakes from a nap I like to let her play in bed for a while before I go to get her. Why? Well, mostly because she will and it gives me a few minutes to finish up whatever I'm in the middle of doing (usually a shower or dishes), and also because who am I to disturb a cheerful baby who is playing happily by herself? I like to wait until she has decided she is done playing and starts to call for me. "Mama? She says. And then it is followed by a long string of loud, "mamamamamamamamama"'s. I love it. I pop my head in the door and she jumps up and down in her bed with the biggest most delicious grin on her face.

Kinda like this, only maybe a little bigger because you can't see her rabbit teeth in this one, looking way too big for her (or my) own good.

Then, once she's in a fresh diaper and sometimes even wearing a real outfit (getting dressed is overrated you know) we head out to play, have a snack, listen to music, read books...all that good stuff. That means all that extra time I had to finish my cleaning is about to be undone because this kid is a whirlwind. And it's not just toys. It's everything! Laundry is her favorite item to spread throughout the house. Diaper laundry especially.

She inherited her father's strange fascination with putting everything she can find on her head. Sometimes if she can't get it to stay she gets annoyed so I help her secure it on top of her crown, but usually I just glance over and there she is with a diaper/lap top sleeve, toy bag, bowl, perched up there and a big grin on her face. I laugh hysterically which only encourages this behavior.

During meal time it's a constant battle on who gets to feed her. Me, the mama with capable hands, or her the BABY with spastic movements and no aversion to having food smothering her from top to bottom.


This picture makes it look like she's mastered the spoon. Let me assure you, based on my kitchen floor after lunch this afternoon, that she certainly has NOT!

When she gets filthy dirty I give up the battle and just let her be as nature intended. I admit it's selfish of me because this view is just about the most adorable in the entire world.

Now, and also a hint at what she will look like as an 80 year old lady.

At the end of the day she smothers us with love before it's time for jammies. Daddy gets the extra special loves as she's a world class daddy's girl. I mean, he might as well start filling up her closet with shoes and designer jeans because he'll never say no to his little girl. Never.


And that, dear friends, is what life is like these days. I want it to never end. Except at 10 PM then I want to sleep allllll night long. I think it's the Summer. I can't imagine Winter being this lovely.

I'll See You in the Morning

As I sit here typing away my daughter is playing peacefully on her own. Which means she is NOT asking me to read slash sing Elmo's Twelve Days of Christmas fifteen times in a row. That's a pretty big deal since that has been her favorite book for the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying that I have an awful voice but let's just say that if I went to a church I probably would NOT be invited to sing with the choir. But Mad loves my singing voice and she's the most important judge in my world, just sayin. Either way, good voice or not, no one wants to hear the Sesame Street version of that annoying Christmas song so many times a day, or ever. The sacrifices I make.

Speaking of sacrifices...I have to sacrifice my Iphone to get her to do something other than read books, allowing me a few moments to sit on the couch. She loves talking on the phone and will jabber away to herself before handing the phone off to me to chat with whatever imaginary person is on the other line. It's her favorite. After books that is. And maybe after eating. This kid will consume more food than her 7 year old cousin! And she still nurses at least 5 times a day and twice at night! Yes, that means she still doesn't sleep through the night.

Oh the sleeping hell she puts me through. I know it's normal for some babies not to sleep through the night at this age but when everyone you know got their child to sleep at 6 months it's really depressing. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And maybe I am. At around 8 months I got her to sleep for about a month until she started working on all the rest of the teeth in her mouth at the same time as well as learned to move into a sitting position from her tummy. She was restless, uncomfortable and constantly pushing herself up so my previous techniques of calming her in bed stopped working. For a while we let her stay in bed with us, until she no longer wanted to sleep in our bed. Maybe I should have let her cry it out at that point but something inside me just didn't think that was the method to use with her and so I was back to nursing her twice a night. We do have really good nights though, which gives me hope, like last night. She went down at 7 with no issues and slept until 3:30 AM. If only I had gone to bed at 9! Of course she woke for the day at 6:50 AM and I was exhausted all morning. I blame the sun. Damn sunlight telling my offspring to wake for the day. Hate it.

I suppose my point in saying all of this (about sleeping issues) is that The Bear has booked a weekend NYC getaway for us in few weeks, without Baby Bear (!), and I really really want to have her sleeping well before then. I'll rest so much easier while I'm gone knowing that she is sleeping and not waking expecting mama nursies and getting a bottle and someone other than her mama (even if it is Grammy, a pretty awesome substitute). Not to mention that I have NO milk stored and so I have to pump enough for the three days and knowing that I don't have to get enough for 4 night feedings too would be a huge relief. I don't know how I'm going to get enough as it is since I haven't pumped since she was 4 months old.

Enough talk about my mom boobs. Can we return to the fact that I get to go away, ALONE with Mr. Bear, for a whole weekend?!?! I'm beyond excited and pretty nervous too. I know that a lot of parents take vacations alone during the first year of their child's life but I have only spent one night away from her when she was 4 months old and mostly all I did was sleep and then we were back together the next morning. Mr. Bear travels so much that not seeing her every day is normal. I feel like it should be easier for me but I can't stand to imagine my baby wanting me and not understanding why I'm not there for her. Likely she won't even realize I'm gone and that will make me sad too. Really though, I know that time time alone is truly important for my relationship with my Angry Bear and that is what I'm excited for. Plus NYC! Hello! We will have so much fun together. He has been there a lot but I haven't been since I was really young and I couldn't enjoy the things I can now...like drinks! Going out without having to come home and nurse the Baby Bear means I have a lot more freedom. And no curfew! Woo hoo! Now I just have to find some cute things to wear while we are there. What is a vacation without a cute outfit, or three?

Now my Baby Bear is napping, she is a great napper, and I am missing her. She's been extra lovey with me all day, smothering me with kisses and hugging me for no reason at all. Heaven! No wonder I'm afraid of how much I'll miss her! How cute is this picture of her watching the kids play in the water fountains in SLC? Cute! She always props her feet up like this and I just want to eat them for dinner. Yum.