All My Bags Are Packed

After a lot of thought and back and forth decision making I decided to move my blog to a wordpress account. I am still getting used to the formatting there, I haven't really had time to put much thought into the design, and I'm not 100% I like it more.....but, the layout just seems more clean and ultimately that won me over.

It's prettier and more awesome. There I said it.

I know if you have my blog in your reader (did you know Google Reader is gone for good this Summer?) or saved in your bookmarks it might be annoying to update it, but please do. All my old posts and comments are still there, and although there aren't very many of you (that I know of anyway) I'd really love to know that I'm still on your reading list. In the next few weeks I'll be adding all my little lovelies like Google+1 buttons, and share buttons or whatever. Please make the move with me, because my mom is going to get really lonely if you don't!

The new address is : http://ezactly.wordpress.com

Ok GO! Update my address, or add it for the first time if you have just magically come across this post for no reason. Thank you!

The Yucks

This week has been a question of letting the nose run a little bit more or, oops, that yellow slash green goop is almost in his mouth. Ok now it is in his mouth so I'm sorry little brother, you're going to scream, but I have to wipe. Wipe, saline, suction, more wiping.....I hope I can keep the snot trail at bay for another hour by putting him through all of that. Temperatures and worrying. Bouncing around the house and sending my other loves to other bedrooms so me and the cranky babe can take up the whole bed with our restless night routines.

Miss Mad was sick earlier in the week, but handles the runny nose better than all of us.

Today my own throat was scratchy when I woke. My head was throbbing. A shower, that fixes everything. No. Coffee maybe? Crying sad baby, still hurting. Finally in the afternoon I caved and closed my eyes for 30 minutes while he napped on my bed. My bed with no sheets because there was mucus throw up on them. Gross? That is simply life right now, it IS gross but mama doesn't get to opt out so you have to hear about it. My bed that was also covered in piles of (clean) laundry because I was just too tired to do it. That gets to be my excuse today anyway, not sure what the deal is the other days of the week.

I wrapped him and we walked and walk and walked......

So we slept, his eyes red and swollen from the sickness and just plain exhaustion. Mad Maddie watched TV, she had no complaints, and didn't realize what a terrible mother I feel I am when I plop her in front of the tv, alone, while I rest. Yesterday she went out the front door while I was emptying the garbage and headed to the neighbors. I ran around the house screaming her name, looking in closets, feeling my heart sink into panic mode, when the neighbor called over the fence that she was there. I was ready to cry and yell and hug her forever but she just didn't understand. And besides, her Auntie had just pulled up and that was much more important than my hugs. At least now, when she is playing with her bath toys in the sink, making a royal mess, I know she is there and I can hear her mess making.

I made a doctors appointment for the wee man then cancelled it. I hope he doesn't have an ear infection. I called my mom to whine about my problems. I put the babe down for another nap and prayed, even though I don't pray, that the day could end with a hot bath, BEFORE 9pm.

My sister says I'm not funny now that I'm a mom & married. I can't imagine what has happened to my sense of humor.

Easter Sunday

Life is hectic and as much as I tried to plan ahead, I had all the Easter basket fixings weeks ahead of time, the holiday came and went without much fanfare. Mad and I colored eggs one afternoon, in a rush, with the intent of coloring more with daddy later. That didn't happen so I was grateful for our spur of the moment egg afternoon after all. I didn't take pretty pictures of the kid's baskets because I put them together in the dark and they were up before the sun. The moment itself is more important than the pictures we remember them with but unfortunately mom and dad were just a little grouchy and it didn't feel as special as I had imagined it would. I don't think Mad noticed because she was so delighted with everything. I guess we need to see the world through her little 3 year old eyes more often. 

Egg hunting

Jaime was good at grabbing the eggs, so long as sister didn't see him.

Mama made an egg just for him. He was too tired to care.

My Maddie so loves holidays. Every day should be a celebration, in her mind. She is happy for every holiday and every birthday, if for no other reason than to announce HAPPY *insert holiday or birthday here* to everyone she loves. She loves the decorations at the grocery store we frequent and of course loves any holiday themed treat or cake. The day will come when the holidays feel like more of a disappointment when it isn't as cool or done up as her friends at school (thanks, thanks a lot Pinterest) but for now she is so thrilled with the moments we have. I feel lucky for that. 

Bubbles are always her favorite

 So, Happy Easter, I hope it was a lovely one for everyone, if you celebrate. If we are being totally honest I just like making Easter baskets.

Not sure who likes her new purple Hunters more, her or me.

These Are the Moments

Lately on Facebook a little story has been going around about a mom at the park who is so busy on her phone that she is missing out on what her child is experiencing. The first time I read it I felt the tiniest bit of guilt because, yeah, that is me sometimes. Even when we're at home, even at the dinner table; sad. Mad Maddie hates when I'm on my phone and at the same time her own obsession with technology is growing. I put her off so I can read something, so she finds an Ipad and watches a movie.

Last year she couldn't figure out how to pedal. This year she just hopped on and did it! And I was there to see those first moments of glee in her eyes as she pushed that bicycle forward. Priceless.

Shortly after reading that we were at the park and I looked around at everyone doing just that, missing out on beautiful moments because they are so distracted with their phones or even just gossiping with friends on the benches. One woman walked her toddler down, unpacked him from his huge fancy stroller, followed him around the park, all while talking on her hands free set. He wanted to swing, she pushed him two times and then took him out and walked away, never saying two words to him. He wandered around, too small to get to the top of the slide on his own or play on any of the other toys at all, until she picked up him (still on her phone) and headed home. They were there for 15 minutes on a BEAUTIFUL, rare, early Spring day and she was too busy talking to a friend about some dance drama (can you see that I have a knack for eavesdropping during my own park trips? An hour of swing pushing requires entertainment) to even help her boy play.

I took this selfie and then melted to see how he was looking at me. He loves me! I feel like I don't deserve it sometimes, but I'm trying.

So I've committed to less. Less phone time, less putting my Maddie off, less computer when I could be playing. Just less of everything that isn't being WITH my babies. I'm grouchy. Most days my tank starts off on empty and just depletes completely by the afternoon. This is all the more reason to be more present with them. To SEE their beautiful moments. To say YES more often when she asks me to help cook/clean/fold or to push her for an hour in the swing. To instill in them the memory that when they were young their mama wasn't perfect, but she was there. As a result I feel more guilt about my lack of patience but less guilt about what I am not giving them. I've found myself on the floor playing more often than ever before and it feels good. When I go to the park I don't have a million Iphone pictures to show for it because I make the conscience choice to leave my phone in the stroller, where it doesn't call to me.

I do, however keep my phone with me during dress up hour. Our favorite.

Next week he'll be in the Tinkerbell costume, Maddie is dying to put it on him.

They hug on each other all day. He climbs all over her when she is near.

I try to find moments to fill my tank so the next day I can be better and more patient. I don't have the luxury of spending time out of the house without my kids and I always feel like I need some recovery time so I can't really ask for it constantly. Sweet Jaime is attached to me nearly 24/7, so I'm needing to find things that fill me up without taking too much time. One of those moments is when I am nursing him to sleep at night, especially now that it is still light when I put him to bed (I love the sun, I want to marry it, for reals). We nurse and snuggle, then when he falls asleep I stretch out and lay beside him for 20 or 30 minutes, letting him fall into a deep sleep before moving him to his bed. The quiet time is good and my bed is comfy with him snoring next to me. Tonight, after my quiet 20 minutes with Jaime, I got the kitchen cleaned up and got Mad ready and into bed. It all felt so much easier; my tank had been filled enough to get me through the evening.

Nursing him when he is tired is heaven to me.

She found this pretty dead flower for me. I treasure it.

Caffeinated

This morning I was up with the birds (wait, the birds haven't arrived home....Spring is not yet in full swing), or the babies, so I could sneak downstairs and do some yoga. Because if I want to do something for myself I have to make time for it. Me time doesn't just fit into my day and it isn't easy managing it all if I somehow did fit time in. So that is how it is; I either wake early or don't get me time, or a shower. I was up and stretched, and showered, and dressed, before 9 AM, a little Jaime with tired eyes ready to help me make coffee and share my morning banana.

He started out excited to have mama all to himself.

That coffee? I drank the whole press. That day? It lasted for ever. FOR.EVER. Maddie was gone and, yeah, that makes life a little less hectic, but boring. Boring as hell. And Jaime felt the brunt of it. He took two really great long naps in his crib and then in my bed before 1PM. Then he didn't want to nap the rest of the day. We cycled through toy after toy, rearranged baskets (you guys, I'm obsessed with baskets) so there were new fun things to discover, and tried to clean sisters room while she was away, but eventually fussing was all that was left to do. All the while I was thinking thinking thinking. I forget to talk outloud when Maddie isn't around. Or maybe I don't, I just think out loud and don't realize it? Anyway, it was a long day and we had a hard time staying entertained.

So happy to have his best friend back. Also, Maddie is obsessed with naked.

With the kids finally in bed I get to relax.

HA.

I did the second load of dishes for the day. Swept the floors. Picked up toys. Folded towels. Thought about folding the clothes in the dryer (still thinking about it). Mopped the floors. Got annoyed because my floors never look shiny anymore and I can't figure out why. Wiped the appliances down. Made a drink. "Ahhhhhhh" (pretty sure I thought that one rather than saying it)......and sat down to write this post. It isn't at all what I had wanted to write. It isn't eloquent or thoughtful at all really. It just is. This is life for me right now. I'm constantly trying to keep up and it's nearly impossible. I'm trying to be healthy (more on that another time, I hope) and fit all while being the attentive loving mother I long to be for my babies. It's hard.

Stainless steel is pretty but, my Lord, the fingerprints.

 Also, I made this yummy lunch for Stephen and I.

Half an avocado filled with chopped spinach, a fried egg, bacon, and topped with siracha.

 He sent me a text from his office in the basement saying it was delicious. I was so happy. Then I saw his plate in the sink with half of the avocado and half the spinach still on the plate (I guess he thought it was basil?). I knew it was not delicious. Am I the only one who struggles to make food that isn't just enjoyable for myself? I can make food I like. I can make food Maddie likes. But I just sort of miss the mark when it comes to The AngryBear. I hate it.

7 Months

Oh Jaime. You are a crazy 7 month old baby. You are huge. HUGE. How my biceps are not enormous carrying your 21 pound self around all day, I'm really not sure, but they should be. You are extremely restless and keeping you happy all day has gotten to be a very difficult task. You have always loved to be carried but now even that is hard! I try to sit you on my hip and you lock your knees, pushing your little feet against my belly trying to stand on my body instead.You can't crawl, or even get on all fours, but it's obvious to you that you are the only one in the house that can't move on your own and it makes you ANGRY. When you play with toys you really play with them now, rather than just try to put everything in your mouth. In fact, I've started seeing your little brain working as you turn toys around in your hands, examining every facet of how they work. It's amazing to watch you try every button and dial, then turn the whole toy over to see what is on the other side. I only have your sister to compare to, obviously, and she played with these toys so differently than you do. There is so much thought put into your playtime and I feel like you will be so thoughtful and intelligent. I'm a little scared I won't be able to keep up with you!

You are a mama's boy, this is true, but finally your stranger (or not so stranger anxiety) has begun to ease. If you are tired or hungry you can be crabby, searching the room for you mama and then crying out when you find me, but most of the time you are easily distracted by smiles and kisses. When you need me I am always right there and you reach your entire body for mine so we are back together again. You have been nursing so well and really haven't experienced much in the way of "table" food. I let you feed yourself some squash or sweet potato in a little mesh feeder, but you eat the equivalent of 1/4 jar of baby food, MAYBE. I guess in my 2nd time mama wisdom I have remembered that all too soon you will be eating me out of house and home, like your sister does, and we are just enjoying this time that my mama milk satisfies all of your nutritional needs. You do nurse a lot, of course. We nurse in the Ergo baby carrier often so you can nurse to sleep and be carried against me while you take a long nap. It's exhausting and amazing all at the same time. This month I should skip talking about nights because my eyes are red and burning from all the sleep I am not getting. I won't blame it all on you, because your sister contributes, but this mama is tired and I'm wondering how my babies aren't exhausted every day!

Not an unusual scene. Frazzled mama, annoyed baby.

A very unusual scene. Snoozing on daddy's lap.

Jameson, you have made our family so happy. Your beautiful smile, contagious laugh, sweet snuggles and delightful squeals fill our lives with goodness. Thank you. I know your daddy and sister are just as in love with you as I am. xoxo

Some outakes from our 7 month photo shoot......you wiggle. A lot.

This is what happens whenever you are on your back.

6 Months

6 months old. That is halfway to a year! Time please stop. Sweet Jaime. You are so happy OR so extremely angry/sad. You've really blossomed a personality this month and gone are the perfectly content days of your infanthood. You know that you want to move, but can't. You see things and want them. You want to be held and walked around the house all day, so I carry you in our carrier. You cook, clean, eat, and sleep with me this way and I love it. You love to sit up on your own to play. Mostly you like to play with sister. She is amazing to you, as are the cats, and you laugh whenever you see her, even though she hasn't done anything funny. We dance and sing to make you happy. Music really speaks to you and I think you must get that from your daddy. You sleep mostly terribly until you are finally next to me in bed. I know people think I create a monster with my kids and my bed but the truth is you DEMAND it and I just listen. I love you and will give you what you need to thrive, especially if all you need is my closeness and love. During this month you got some major stranger anxiety, but here we are just out of 6 months and it has started to subside, just as I knew it would if I continued to protect you and respect your need for me. But, that is news for next months (late) update. Your hair is fuzzy and soft. Daddy, Maddie, and I all love to rub our faces against your head, we just can't help it, you feel so good. You still love to nurse and toward the end of the month I started to see some relaxation on how/where we nurse. Before it was ONLY in bed, lying down, when it was very quiet. By the end of the month we started to practice nursing in the Ergo baby carrier and would sneak in some nursing on the couch again. I look forward to the days when I can go anywhere without worrying about feeding you. Although, speaking of eating, you are over 20lbs and are nearly 30 inches long without eating any solid table food. I am so proud of the fact that I made it 6 months without a single supplemental feeding and you are absolutely thriving on my milk. We've let you have some of a banana or avocado but you aren't interested in slurping puree from a spoon so I haven't really pushed it. Clearly you are healthy and will eat more food when you need and want it.

I love you. I adore you. You are beautiful and handsome and happy. You are mine, and I feel so lucky. Stay little my sweet baby, please stop growing!

 

Our first time nursing in the Ergo. We are now pros and nurse like this while we grocery shop!

You are obsessed with the cats. They are, well, not so much...but this day they wanted to nap on your changing table and let you pet them in exchange.

*I am so tired and didn't even bother proofreading this post. If it makes no sense, well, just take that as proof of how much energy this boy has.

Winter Wrap-up. Please, Wrap.It.Up.

It's late and I am the last one awake in the house. Daddy and baby fell asleep first and then I tiptoed up to Miss Mad's room where she was sneakily sitting at her desk coloring her "work jobs" (anything that seems like it would be for school, she is desperate to go, or just anything with a pen/pencil and paper) and chatting to herself. She hopped into bed, arranging bears around the pillows where the might be most comfortable and able to snuggle with each other, and settled into her warm nest of blankets. 4 bedtime songs and a few minutes of humming, a few reminders to keep her hands out of her nose and/or mouth, and she was off to sweet baby dreamland. I still see her soft cheeks while she sleeps and feel amazed that she is mine.

She is so awesome and strange at the same time.

Tonight I'm thinking about all the things that will happen this year. I'm excited for a lot of new adventures and hopeful that I will be up to the task. I really hope some of those adventures include more writing....and more shopping too. WHAT?! Shopping is an adventure. It is.

I'm addicted to coffee accessories and chalk labels.

This Winter is starting to get to me. Like a page in a book curling up with age, heat, moisture. I'm officially curled, only no heat was involved. Some weeks I hardly leave the house except to buy groceries and wine. If I can manage to send The Bear out to do those things for me, well, even better. I go to Target and buy dresses that are made for warm weather and sandals. I'm going to start wearing these dresses with fuzzy socks, cranking the heat up so high we all start to sweat and magically get tan. Don't believe me? Just you wait. JUST WAIT!

Often Maddie wanders around in circles whining and acting generally obnoxious. She refuses to go to her room to play because she wants to be with me, but she is BORED. Bored out of her mind. When the snow outside is nice and not icy she'll go make mini snowmen and practice her snowball throwing. Other days she just hangs out in her panties and begs to watch movies over and over and over. And over.

Watching a movie. I die, they are so cute.

What I'm saying is, we are all ready for Spring. Ok?

She isn't bored of him yet.

5 Months - how did I forget?

Somehow I forgot to blog my sweet Jaime's 5 month pictures! How could that happen? I'm sure I was just too buys kissing his rosy cheeks and smelling his stinky little feet. They really are kind of stinky, but he thinks it is hilarious. And sister tells him they are yummy, what a wonderful amazing sister.

My sweet baby. OH how you have grown! This month you are pulling the people you love in for smothering slobbering kisses, rolling to your tummy (but not to your back), munching on your toes whenever your stinky little tootsies are set free, and laughing laughing laughing. You love me, the mama. You search me out, find my eyes, throw yourself into a fit of excited jumps and wag your arms in the air, letting me know I can come to hold you any time, you are ready for me. You are tentative about people you don't quite remember. Add being tired and a somewhat empty belly to the mix? Well, that is the only time you REALLY cry. Your little bottom lip starts to quiver, tears well up in your blue eyes, and you just let it all out. I know people judge me when I jump to your rescue but it is important to me that you KNOW I will always be right there for you. Even daddy has forgotten that even your brave, social sister went through the same period at some point; I did the same for her and she turned out ok? But if you want to be mama's boy and cry for everyone else I'd be ok with that too, secretly. We are together, attached at the hip (or mama's nursies ;) ), all day and night so obviously I enjoy being there for you. I know you will grow out of wanting to be with me all the time so I kiss you and hug you every second that I can, because I wish it could last forever. I love you so my baby.

Parenting OR Am I Doing It All Wrong

Sometimes I get the itch to blog. But, I have nothing to say. Honestly, most days around the Bear house are pretty much the same. And our same isn't always that exciting. Well, Jaime thinks it is, but he is easy to impress! So, tonight I got the feeling that I wanted to blog. Like I need to pee, only I need to blog instead? Yep. I pushed it off since I could peruse Facebook instead without putting any thought into it at all. But the feeling stayed and I'm not tired (thanks to a sweet husband who let me sleep in this morning, whoa I'm not used to sleep!) so here I am.

There is one thing on my mind lately. It's there a lot because it is ever present in my life. Parenting. It's hard. I want to be completely honest but complete honesty makes me look bad, and it makes me feel sad. But, here it is. Mad Maddie is rough these days. I waiver between feeling like Stephen and I have too high of expectations, or perhaps don't truly understand what is normal behavior for little kids (perhaps a little of both?), and feeling that Maddie is a truly spirited child. I think it really is a bit of both of those things. I struggle with the yelling that so often accompanies her activities. I feel guilty when I don't have the time/hands to clean, nurse the baby, AND pay attention to her constantly. Add to that the time I spend on myself, showers, computer time, coffee, 15 minutes to stare at the wall and have no one touching me, I guess I put her off too often.

Add caption

We aren't the sort of family that has crafts and projects going every week, so often her activities are reading, coloring, and playing with her toys. No pretty blankets and picnics out in the woods, or trips to the market with mini child sized carts. No season pass to the zoo where we bundle up even in the bone cold Winter to watch the polar bears laze around. Our days have too many trips to "the stairs", which is a non-excluded version of time out. She never really sits there but she also can't be running amok and causing trouble for a few minutes, which we HOPE gets her to calm down just a bit. I tell her no, be quiet, stop doing that, put that away, go play in your room, way too much for my own liking.

I was so annoyed she wouldn't smile for this picture. Mom fail.

The hardest part is, she is amazing. She is SO affectionate and tells me constantly how much she loves me. She adores Jaime, hugging kissing, rushing to his side when he wakes after naps. I feel like if I could JUST find her best way of disciplining things would be easier/better. We talk, we try to talk things out, allow her to have feelings, problem solve when she does something that isn't ok (hitting, mean words, yelling, waking the baby, torturing the cats, bossing her cousins.....etc), but the lessons never really last until the next episode. Which could be 5 minutes later or a day later, we never know. I want her to thrive while keeping my own sanity. I just don't.know.how.

The best big sister. The best.

I feel like we need a screen free week VERY soon. A week without tv, for any of us, computer, ipads, or phones (except for phone use). I bet if I eliminated the time on all of that we'd have more done around the house and have more time to play the way she wants. At the heart of all of this I believe that more time on her terms would be a good solution. Maybe a membership to the zoo is in our future.......

Resolution to Resolve

I certainly need to update the header on this blog. Only I don't want to. Even though I love my Jaime baby, my little joyful chubby boy, I loved that Maddie baby first. And now she is growing. And growing. And I'm sad about it. I love who she is now, except when she talks back. But even then I love that a little too because I know that she is strong willed and knows what she wants and she is smart and clever and all those good things we hope our girls turn out to be. Who cares if she refuses to admit she knows her alphabet? Not me, not much anyway. She'll just start reading novels tomorrow because there was something cool on the cover. That is how my girl works.

My little ham bone. She loves her some pictures.

Also, it is that time to admit that I caved and committed to, yet another, year of resolutions I'm not sure if I'll achieve. Only this year I have a head start. So, here is my list. The more and the less of the New Year. 2013, I don't know how you could compare to 2012 (remember that joyful boy I was just talking about?) but I welcome you to try.

MORE:
♥ laughing
♥ cleaning
♥ writing
♥ reading
♥ kissing
♥ snuggling
♥ dressing up
♥ wine drinking (that one will be really easy!)
♥ patience
♥ learning
♥ dance parties
♥ LIFE LIVING!
♥ better wife becoming
♥ mamaing
♥ bath taking
♥ moving....my body, not my house.
♥ crafting
♥ loving
♥ playing
♥ breastfeeding ♥
♥ memory making
♥ meal making
♥ improper punctuating!;......""

More kisses on this happy face

More bum shots please

Less:
♥ money spending
♥ junk food eating
♥ fighting (not that there was that much ;)
♥ weight gaining (should also be pretty easy)
♥ procrastinating
♥ back aching

I'm happy my more list is longer than my less list. I'm also happy that I ending the year hoping that the next could be just a fraction as wonderful. 

Resolution posts of the past : 2009 2011 More 2011 2010 I only did a year end review, which was kind of a snore (it took me 3 posts, WTF man) and 2012 I was too tired and pregnant to care about resolutions.